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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel pissed off they would do this?

171 replies

uzaname · 22/10/2022 09:03

How would you feel if a family holiday (immediate family, 3 generations) was planned for dates when you and your DC wouldn't be able to attend, when it was booked for those dates knowing you wouldn't be able to attend, and the dates don't align with an anniversary or birthday or limited availability of the others in the group etc that mean the holiday must happen then?

I can only assume it was deemed unimportant that DC and I wouldn't be there for a holiday for the 'whole' family.

OP posts:
CourtneeLuv · 22/10/2022 09:41

uzaname · 22/10/2022 09:32

Only one date was ever suggested. It definitely isn't because the others can only go on those dates.

Maybe that's when the booker wanted to go and what fitted into their schedule. They put the offer out and those that could, accepted.

I do this now as the organiser of things. Instead of loads of backwards and forwards, I set the date, time, place etc and put the details out. Come or don't or organise something yourself.

Maybe it's not all about you.

misskatamari · 22/10/2022 09:44

Is it a sibling booking who has form for stuff like this? It’s cruel of whoever booked it and weak and pathetic of others who went along and didn’t question it. I would be really really hurt and angry and I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. There is no excuse. I would imagine there is a big back story tho and if you have a problem with it, you will be painted as the villain and the booker will be the innocent hurt party. I’m sorry. It’s shit. It’s wrong and I know it must hurt immensely. Try and hold on to the fact that this is likely not about you, and they are 100% in the wrong ❤️

Original poster
uzaname · 22/10/2022 09:44

No partner.

The dates were suggested and I was asked if they would work. I said they wouldn't for us, expecting some alternatives to be suggested, but the next communication I got - the very next day - was to say it had been booked.

OP posts:
Ekátn · 22/10/2022 09:45

So an idea of a trip was floated.

Only ever one date suggested. You couldn’t go. No other date was suggested at all, but it definitely doesn’t need to be that date?

How did no one including you not suggest another date?

I get the impression there’s information missing here. Trying to to guess what it is, is painful.

Original poster
uzaname · 22/10/2022 09:46

CourtneeLuv · 22/10/2022 09:41

Maybe that's when the booker wanted to go and what fitted into their schedule. They put the offer out and those that could, accepted.

I do this now as the organiser of things. Instead of loads of backwards and forwards, I set the date, time, place etc and put the details out. Come or don't or organise something yourself.

Maybe it's not all about you.

Show quote history

The booker is retired and the holiday is way off.

I'm not saying it's about me. Quite the opposite. I'm saying my DC and I aren't important.

OP posts:
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 22/10/2022 09:50

How did you communicate to them that you couldn't do that date? Did you ask them to suggest alternatives? Is there any chance they could have misinterpreted you not being available for the suggested date as a blunt refusal of the holiday?

I think you should make them aware of your feelings and ask why it was done in this way. The only other alternative is to feel hurt about it without knowing why. If it is the booker being inconsiderate, you'd probably feel better if you made it clear that it was hurtful.

Worthyornot · 22/10/2022 09:52

So it seems like any other arrangement then. Person A has a date planned for something, asks Person B if they can make the date and they can't. Plan goes ahead. It may have worked for everyone else! Maybe they were all asked in the similar manner? But as you're being annoyingly hard to communicate on here, you are the UR one.

ButterflyBiscuit · 22/10/2022 09:56

If you just said it doesn't work for you but didn't suggest alternatives or otherwise sound keen wouldnt it be like the mumsnet "no" and they assume you're not interested?

ButterflyBiscuit · 22/10/2022 09:56

I think you need to say what the arrangements are that mean you can't come as expect that has something to do with it!

Confusion101 · 22/10/2022 09:58

I would feel disappointed but have to say, when I'm booking things with my group if they reply with "that date doesn't suit me" it is generally accepted that that date this doesn't work for them but they are happy for the rest to go ahead without them. If they say "that doesn't work, what about this date instead" then we try to arrange a different date. Not taking from your disappointment as I'm sure you felt very deflated when you heard it had been booked, just saying what happens in our group.

Ekátn · 22/10/2022 10:00

uzaname · 22/10/2022 09:44

No partner.

The dates were suggested and I was asked if they would work. I said they wouldn't for us, expecting some alternatives to be suggested, but the next communication I got - the very next day - was to say it had been booked.

See this is why I think there’s something you are leaving out. Even if it’s not on purpose.

If loads of people are arranging something and someone can’t make the date, I would expect that person to suggest another. Not sit there waiting for everyone else to pluck one of thin air. I would find that person really frustrating and probably not make plans around them.

Then sometimes the conversation is ‘we are going to X on Y date, who else wants to go?’ In which case someone saying ‘that date doesn’t work for me’ can easily be taken as ‘we won’t be coming’

If you think you really believe they could have all easily moved to a date that worked for you, and non of the above happened and people in your family genuinely aren’t bother about you and your kids, there has to be a backstory which you know about but aren’t sharing.

At the moment, to me, it just feels like the actual story is fairly reasonable but you are putting it here in a way that puts you in a victim position.

ClocksGoingBackwards · 22/10/2022 10:00

Unless you ask them the reason you’ll never know. We could speculate all day and still not work out the truth. There could be a valid reason that you don’t know about, like someone else’s hospital appointment or work commitments or maybe they’d prefer a child free holiday. That doesn’t mean you’re not important, just that your child contact arrangements aren’t the priority when booking this holiday.

Original poster
uzaname · 22/10/2022 10:02

ButterflyBiscuit · 22/10/2022 09:56

I think you need to say what the arrangements are that mean you can't come as expect that has something to do with it!

I have already said it's to do with child arrangements.

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 22/10/2022 10:04

If the organiser is retired, could they just want a quiet holiday without kids?

Kennykenkencat · 22/10/2022 10:05

MrsSkylerWhite · 22/10/2022 10:04

If the organiser is retired, could they just want a quiet holiday without kids?

Then why suggest a whole family holiday. I would suspect op isn’t the only one with children

ButterflyBiscuit · 22/10/2022 10:06

What's the issue with child arrangements? If they're at their dads can't you go for the days you're around? Or if they're with you can't they come with you?

Did you just say "that doesn't suit me" (which I'd take to mean you're not interested) or did you suggest an alternative?

dontputitthere · 22/10/2022 10:06

I've got to be honest if the level of communication on here is anything to go by I'm not surprised.

You're not very forthcoming. Even when posters tell you they need more info. It's like getting blood out of a stone. So I can understand the organisers frustrations.

CarefreeMe · 22/10/2022 10:07

I would be asking the booker why they’ve gone ahead and booked it knowing the DCs are at their dads and can’t come.

Have they booked you and the DCs a place?

Or have they booked it without giving you and DCs a place?

Worthyornot · 22/10/2022 10:08

Well I can see why they didn't suggest alternative dates with you!! Annoying as anything. Im out.

sheepdogdelight · 22/10/2022 10:08

I'd be upset at being the only one missed out from an extended family holiday, where we were all close and got on well, yes.

However, if you are all close and got on well, I don't see why they have excluded you, or why you haven't just asked for the date to be moved!

So I suspect that you know (or have an inkling) why you've not been invited, which makes this thread a bit disingenuous.

CarefreeMe · 22/10/2022 10:11

I'd be upset at being the only one missed out from an extended family holiday, where we were all close and got on well, yes.

However, if you are all close and got on well, I don't see why they have excluded you, or why you haven't just asked for the date to be moved!

So I suspect that you know (or have an inkling) why you've not been invited, which makes this thread a bit disingenuous.

I agree.

I would have been on the phone straight away asking why it had been booked on X date knowing that’s the only date I couldn’t do but I was able to do any other date.

The fact that you haven’t makes me question what you are leaving out.

ThatGirlInACountrySong · 22/10/2022 10:14

If be thinking my kids are too disruptive for them do it's intentional

Is a place booked for you?

LAMPS1 · 22/10/2022 10:18

Yes, on the face of it, it sounds hurtful.

But digging down a bit, you say that after you turned down the suggested date you then expected other dates to be suggested later. Was that the end of the conversation ? You just ‘expected’ and assumed without further chat ? Did you explain the genuine reason why you couldn’t do those dates? Did you express your feelings about not being able to do those dates and how sad you would be to have to miss out ? Did you not then suggest those dates that you could do ?
It would have been normal to have had a full and friendly conversation where it was clear that you were looking forward to the holiday ……and if you did, then yes I’d wonder if it was a deliberate rejection ….and feel hurt.
Otherwise, from the info given here, the conversation all sounds a bit clipped from your side. And it’s easy then to wonder if you maybe aren’t on the best of terms with the organiser ?

Supercal00 · 22/10/2022 10:19

Given there is a back story, could they of read your reply as not really interested in the holiday? Maybe expecting if you can’t do that day and confirmed so could you of suggested if there are other dates to show interest?

Boredsoentertainme · 22/10/2022 10:20

Did you just respond and say that doesn’t work for me and leave it there,what did you say exactly< did you give alternate dates or expect them to keep suggesting till they found ones which worked for you?

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