MIL said my breast milk isn't good enough for my baby

[goldenroses95]

I have a newborn who is feeding extremely often and my MIL claims that my baby is feeding so often because she's not getting enough nutrients from my breast milk. She says I need to change my diet (this is based on her seeing me eat 1 pizza takeaway on the weekend!) and even said "do you not love your child?"

I have told her that babies cluster feed and you feed breast fed babies on demand but MIL is having none of it. DH has not once backed me on this and her constant interfering is stressing me out. This incident is just one of a long list of things she's said/done.

Not an aibu as such but posting to see if anyone can advise me on how to navigate this situation!

Your MIL is a jerk who wants you to start bottle feeding so she can dominate that.

If your baby is feeding all the time then you’re doing great! My son was attached to my boob almost non-stop for the first three months. He became quite tall 😁

When MIL next starts on you, just say “Excuse me, people stressing me is bad for my milk supply so if you want to criticise maybe speak to DH.” Then don’t answer anything else she says and if possible leave the room and take the baby somewhere private like a bedroom.

It’s crap DH won’t defend you to her but I guess he had a rubbish childhood and is still quite dominated by her.

How often does your MIL go without cups of tea/coffee, glasses of water, nibbles of a biscuit?

It's incredible how many people think a tiny baby should go 3-4 hours without a feed while they merrily stuff their own faces around the clock!

I have spoken to DH about not backing me up and his reasoning is he's never had a baby before so he has no idea what's right or wrong. I have tried to tell him there's nothing wrong with how I'm breastfeeding but it seems he believes his mum over me since she's a nurse.

Perhaps say to him that every new parent goes through the learning process, and if he feels unequipped to decide what's okay and what's not, the best way to give himself confidence in parenting may be for you both to attend a parenting course together, read some modern books on parenting together, attend a breastfeeding workshop or for him to come along to a few appointments with your other medical advisors.

Be clear that you're not putting down his mother but the current advice you're receiving/information you're reading is at odds with what she's saying. Sometimes people can get stuck following outdated advice because that's they way they learned to do things, and they don't understand that the science has moved on.

But regardless, while you are open to hearing her advice and suggestions, you're not open to being insulted, which is what she is doing. If she wants to make polite suggestions, you'll listen and consider them, although at the end of the day, this is your child and you will make the final decision. But what you won't accept is her speaking to you in a denigrating and disrespectful way like she is doing.

Try to separate the issues of 'being open to advice' and 'being insulted'. While your partner may not necessarily agree yet on the best approach to feeding you want to follow, can he at least agree that if your MIL is going to offer advice, it needs to be done in a respectful way? He may not have much experience in standing up for himself, let alone anyone else, with her.

Ignore it..she's wrong. My mil too kept telling me that breast milk isn't as nutritious as formula and also tried to control what I eat so I don't pass crap in my breast milk to baby.

A lot of that generation formula fed and it was heavily advertised to them as superior to breast milk (when this was still allowed) so I think she really believed it.

Breastfeeding is hard. Don't let anyone make it even harder for you. As long as your baby is putting on weight it's all fine.

You poor thing, breastfeeding can be stressful ( well i found it so) without a MIL criticising. Luckily I was left to get on with it, but in the early days there was huge variations, with poor feeding some days, and feeds literally going on for hours on other days. I hope when I’m a MIL one day I’ll manage not to stick my oar in.

By the way in my mother’s generation (age 79s) they were taught complete nonsense at hospitals about how a baby shouod only feed every three hours. They’d literally bring the baby to the mother, allow a short feed then take the baby away for 3 hours. It was a very harmful process but a pretty backward time. Your MIL may have had her views formed in that era.

Oo maybe send your MIL constant links to eg LaLeche league and on attachment parenting, etc etc. You could try bombarding her with information until she avoids you 😬 probably won’t stop her being an ass but might be fun

Your husband sounds like a mummy-pleaser.

He should be supporting you.

It is absolutely none of your MIL's business how you feed your own child. IF your baby is gaining weight and not dehydrated they are getting enough nourishment.

Tell your mil that if she wants to keep visiting that she must be supportive or quiet.

tell your husband his choices are to take a lactation education class or defer to you since he didn’t bother with taking a class during pregnancy like most fathers.

I would tell her you find the comments unhelpful, then if she goes into that territory again tell her if she does not keep her comments to herself she won't be welcome. If she does it again, tell her she isn't welcome until she can be supportive. I honestly would take zero crap on this matter.

I just read this update. She would not be visiting me weekly. She is not showing you any respect at all. Do not tolerate it.

Just keep going and hold your head up high. In time it will be apparent that your milk is enough.

It's par for the course with this particular person; this is not the first time today I have looked at what she has to say and thought haw glad I am not to be her.

My ex mil said the same to me. My breastfed newborn fed alot and was a crier and she told me he needed a bottle and it must be that my breast milk wasnt filling him up. I ended up giving him a bottle of formula and it made no difference.
Ignore her. Ask your husband to tell her to back off or get her out of your house. You don't need that added stress.

Bloody hell she's a nurse 😮.
If she starts just tell her that things have changed since she last had kids and the latest advice is, which you agree with, to do it like this and that's what you intend to do.

But as a pp has said, it could be that she's from the generation where they gave water for babies to drink from birth and were told to feed the baby every 3 hours.

Absolute batshitery from your MIL. BFing a newborn is incredibly intense. I’ve done it myself and it is relentless. She clearly doesn’t have a clue. Tell your H to speak to his mother and tell her to back off. if he’s not brave enough to do it then you’ll need to stand up to her yourself and put some boundaries in place. She sounds very controlling and overbearing.

This is the last thing you need right now. Congrats on your newborn 💐 and enjoy your lovely baby!

I hope you showed her the door when she said that.

Your husband needs to tell her you're both taking a break from her for a while because she lacks boundaries.

Tell her to piss off! Mothers and mother in laws like to push their views when it comes to their grandchildren, but you are babies mother and you are doing what is right for them. Your DH needs to stand up for you, or is he scared of his own mother!?

It’s a totally different generation who have no idea. My Mum was in her 70s and openly admits EVERYTHING has changed with regards to breast feeding. My MIL sounds a bit like yours. She said ‘poor child’ when I told her my baby’s name. When she offers her opinion just say ‘thanks for that Janice; I’ll bare that in mind. Then give her a look that says ‘fuck the fuck off you old bitch.’

If you really want to piss her off just laugh and comment on how out of date her baby knowledge is. Tell her you’ll stick to taking advice from the experts. Completely belittle her, after all that’s what’s she’s doing to you .

Does anybody fully know what they are doing when they first become parents?
It is a learning curve. And you learn what your baby is like.
I feel for you OP. Well done for breastfeeding and keeping up with it. I would just ignore her everytome she says something stupid. Once she realises she's having a one way conversation she'll soon get the message.

You have to project confidence even if you need to fake it.

Look at her with a steely, steady gaze and tell her she's talking bullshit.

Your husband is being useless BTW.

I’m afraid I also suspect this may be a nasty ploy to push you to bottle feeding so she can exert more control. Please ask your husband for support and ignore this spiteful woman.

She is being a dickhead and your husband needs to back you up. You need to nip this in the bud by telling her not to comment on your parenting, especially if she doesn't know the current guidelines.

Your MIL is an ignorant witch. Find your power and tell her to STFU, well maybe not in those exact words. Cluster feeds are perfect, you are doing great, keep going and mix with MIL less. I agree that she just wants to get her hands on your baby so she can keep dominating her son, you and now baby. Who cares if she is a nurse? She's clearly not an infant feeding expert pouting that nonsense.

Women have indeed breastfed since the dawn of humanity, but with a marked drop off in the 70s / 80s with the aggressive marketing of infant formula. Many mothers didn't breastfeed at all in the 80s, so have no understanding of it - meaning that instead of useful information being passed from one generation to the next, many of today's grandmothers are pushing uninformed views about BF onto their daughters and daughters-in-law. I hear SO many stories about women giving up on breastfeeding because of a mother or mother-in-law who gave birth in the 80s telling them that their milk isn't enough (because that's what they were told). I suspect there's also some guilt mixed up in it: they were pressured NOT to breastfeed, but are now hearing the message that "breast is best".