MIL said my breast milk isn't good enough for my baby

[goldenroses95]

I have a newborn who is feeding extremely often and my MIL claims that my baby is feeding so often because she's not getting enough nutrients from my breast milk. She says I need to change my diet (this is based on her seeing me eat 1 pizza takeaway on the weekend!) and even said "do you not love your child?"

I have told her that babies cluster feed and you feed breast fed babies on demand but MIL is having none of it. DH has not once backed me on this and her constant interfering is stressing me out. This incident is just one of a long list of things she's said/done.

Not an aibu as such but posting to see if anyone can advise me on how to navigate this situation!

I’m a qualified nurse, we are in no way trained in breastfeeding support and should not offer any support outside of our area of specialty. I hate it when nurses do things like this and feel they bring our profession into disrepute by doing so. When asked for advice in my personal life I will always refer to correct specialist, in your case HV or midwife.

Please don't explain yourself to her.
She has been extraordinarily rude, so tell her to shut her ignorant, toxic mouth.

It's hard to navigate when outsiders think they have a valid opinion on other people's parenting choices. It's harder when you're related.

It's also extremely hard when they won't listen to boundaries or choices you've already put in place.

I think it would be extremely difficult to maintain these boundaries while your husband isn't being a team with you.

I can guarantee that once you assert the boundary firmly it will negatively impact your relationship with her anyway.

If you can't remove her from the situation, then you need to remove yourself from the situation.

It's much more diplomatic than telling her to fuck off and leave you alone, but it does the same job.

Unless your mil is a lactation consultant I doubt she's up on current breastfeeding advice.
my SIL is a nurse. Her breastfeeding knowledge comes from BFing two babies, not her medical training

I breastfed on demand in the early 90s. The NC

Tell mil that if she makes one more nasty comment about you breastfeeding then she will not be welcome in your home.

goldenroses95, you are right, she is wrong, and I wish you all the very best in the world in keeping her unpleasantness at bay.

This "babies ought to be fed every x hours" thing (when I had mine, in the eighties, it was every four hours rather than three, and we were very strongly encouraged to bottle-feed and made to feel like bad mothers if we breast-fed) was from the advice of a man called Truby King.

Truby King lived 1 April 1858 – 10 February 1938.

He also advised not cuddling babies in case they grew up to be namby-pamby (not his words, but that was what he meant). And if they cried you should ignore them, for the same reason.

He probably meant well....

Nobody mentioned cluster feeding to me when I had my son in 1981, in fact I'm not sure it was really known about, but my son knew about it, and made sure that I found out pretty damn quickly! For the first four weeks of his life he only stopped eating to have his nappy changed and take short sleeps before he started to cry for food again. He's a six foot two marathon runner now, so it doesn't seem to have done him too much harm.

My mother-in-law didn't approve, but luckily she lived 150 miles away so we didn't have to see her too much.

Oh OP, I feel your pain, I had something similar with a MIL who knew better as she had raised 5 kids so knew exactly what to do. Kept lecturing DH on what we should be doing. I dealt with it by using actual medical advice and referred to NHS website, La Leche League and KellyMom and asked HV in his presence. Which he then deferred his mum too, sent her all the links and point blank said we would be taking her advice on breastfeeding anymore.

Think her motives are quite selfish rather than interest of the baby and you need to set clear boundaries now but DH needs to be on side and basically put his foot down.

It did work for us, though she has had her moments, baby is now 6 months and weaning and MIL liquidized chicken, carrot and potato seasoned with salt, pepper and garlic and chucked it in bottle with a fast flow teat. Luckily I had DH prepped and he instantly explained how solids are meant to be introduced and why. She had a quick grumble about how all hers turned out fine but give it a rest when DH pointed out DD is one of ours, not hers and we'll do what we want.

Nc now but I used to know someone a bit like your MIL. I knew I could never convince her or get her to think differently so I used to just agree with her and then quickly change the subject, it used to drive her crazy! E.g "I think it's time your breastfeeding journey came to an end." (Ds was only 1 ffs!) me with a smile "oh ok, I'll stop tomorrow!" then I carried on breastfeeding for as long as I wanted. It worked because it effectively ended the subject as there's nothing more the other person can say. Won't necessarily work with your MIL who does sound a bit more extreme. Congratulations on the baby.

My mum was like this with ds1. She got one warning, I told her if she ever did it again she wouldn't have a relationship with my children.

Your mil has crossed a line.

Newborn babies tummies are tiny and only hold small amounts so they will feed constantly plus baby is learning how to breast feed and latch and the more they feed the more your body is able to work out what amount they need to to produce etc. I'm assuming she's formula fed her babies and is expecting the 'milk drunk' effect that bf babies take longer to get to. You know your baby best, you know your body best and the best thing about advice is it's free so you can say thank you and ignore it. I'd recommend joining a bf support group in your area because bf is tough and intense and comments like hers are seriously unhelpful. You need to sit DH down and explain to him that he needs to back you up when she's being pass remarkable and back up your parenting choices as his co parent. I'd also suggest having her over less tbh. If she starts telling you baby isn't getting enough you say thanks for the advice but the health visitor and midwives are happy and this is actually very common for breastfeeding. Then change the topic. If she continues to bring it back just say I'm happy with how feeding is going and if I have any concerns ill raise it with the health visitor. Change topic. She will eventually get the message if you Mel repeating the same line. Well done you on sticking to your guns, hopefully dh will start to step up and get those boundaries in place now.

My mum did this and completely undermined my experience. I haven't gotten over that. Dd1 is 16 now. Find a peer supportive group and go to that.
Trust yourself too. X

Get your Midwife or HV to speak to him.
Tell him to google it?
Show him this thread?
Wtf is wrong with him?

Are you oppressed? I don't get it? If my MIL said that to me I'd laugh at her and tell her she's being ridiculous, tell her to do some research, and tell her to get out of my house. End of.

Not sure what is worse questioning your feeding to the baby or what you eat and acussing you of not caring and loving your child. You’re doing the right thing op. Don’t let her let you down. I have a feeling like others have mentioned she wants to bully you into ff so she can feed the baby and “bond” with them. Stick to your guns and don’t be bullied. You’re doing an amazing job

Unbelievable that she's said she'd like to take your baby.

Talk to your health visitor with your husband. Get him to understand that you are doing all the right things and, importantly you need to be together on this.

He needs to back you up.

My MIL audibly gasped when I told her I was breastfeeding my daughter and FIL constantly made snipes about baby wanting "real food". Its such a shame that its such a common theme and I do believe it is unfortunately a control thing.

Alas that wasn’t even a thing (in my personal experience) when I had my 1st. Tried very hard to breastfeed but was never given any support or guidance.

Ummm no. This is unbelievably insupportive and in your shoes I would tell her to mind her own business. Probably not as kindly. And she's a nurse?!

You are doing a great job, baby is of course cluster feeding and unless there's significant weight loss/ failure to thrive issues (which is not at all in question or what she's responding to), then she needs to butt out.

I would be saying to her "what you're saying is extremely rude and unsupportive, so if you want to keep visiting us you need to stop this"

I'm sorry you're dealing with this, newborn life is hard enough without this crap

Gosh, that posted on its own! Was going to say the NCT was a good support for me, but I was also very lucky with my hospital and community midwives.

I craved carbs when I was BFing too! You're doing fine. Her ideas are a generation out of date.

But your h is the problem - he needs to stand up to you.

Cluster feeding is totally normal. Keep going!

Your dh needs to get a mind of his own and stop taking what Mummy says as gospel

There needs to be dynamics info here for people to advice better I think op.
because some couod say tell her to fuck off,say nothing else or not come at all,would a smiling assassin approach work better,can you be firm.
how is she normally and your relationship and communication?
you know your doing th right thing op.
your husband needs to listen to you as a mother and his wife.he also needs to support you. And he needs to work with you to find what’s right not with your mil. You need to be honest with him and tell him how much at this time you are so vulnerable and need to no he always has your back.

Plus there is zero wrong with pizza or carbs or takeout or any foods.balance op.

This

Did your MIL BF? You are doing great!