MIL said my breast milk isn't good enough for my baby

[goldenroses95]

I have a newborn who is feeding extremely often and my MIL claims that my baby is feeding so often because she's not getting enough nutrients from my breast milk. She says I need to change my diet (this is based on her seeing me eat 1 pizza takeaway on the weekend!) and even said "do you not love your child?"

I have told her that babies cluster feed and you feed breast fed babies on demand but MIL is having none of it. DH has not once backed me on this and her constant interfering is stressing me out. This incident is just one of a long list of things she's said/done.

Not an aibu as such but posting to see if anyone can advise me on how to navigate this situation!

Breastfeeding in the Western world declined significantly from the late 1800s to the 1960s.[21] By the 1950s, the predominant attitude to breastfeeding was that it was something practiced by the uneducated and those of lower classes. The practice was considered old-fashioned and "a little disgusting" for those who could not afford infant formula and discouraged by medical practitioners and media of the time.[2] Letters and editorials to Chatelaine from 1945 to as late as 1995 regarding breastfeeding were predominantly negative.[

Breastfeeding in the Western world declined significantly from the late 1800s

Was formula available from that early or did anyone who could afford to farm it out to set nurses?

As I'm sure you know you know this is a DH problem and honestly he is being spineless if he won't at least do his own reading/research on breastfeeding. Its a total cop out to say "I dunno".

Nurses are not automatically breastfeeding experts - not all midwives are unless they have longer experience. If you can find a breastfeeding counselor from La Leche or NCT or similar for advice that might help you, might even convince DH but that will still leave the issue of a DH who defaults to "wot mum says". That is a whole different can of worms which may or may not be liveable long term.

This. Except I might be firmer and tell her not to come next week because you have plans.

She’s not well meaning but ignorant. She questioned your love for your baby. She’s actively undermining you.

Make your partner read up about breastfeeding from trusted sources like the breastfeeding network, lactation advice pages.
he can even phone the breastfeeding helpline for some education this way he won’t have to just hear it from you.
you clearly know that cluster feeding is normal- feeding on demand is best for newborns.
the only thing I know of to eat to increase supply is oats.
your milk is made from your blood not your stomach contents.

in response to her saying she wishes she could take baby as you don’t know what you are doing.
tell her that she is not welcome to visit if she is not going to be supportive.
then (if practical) leave the house when she visits and don’t return with baby until she is gone

I'd be telling DH that if he doesn't stand up to his mother and tell her to STFU, she wouldn't be welcome to visit anymore until you've weaned the baby. If you don't show her where the boundaries are now, she's only going to get worse.
Don't waste energy trying to reason with her or show her evidence. It'll only give her 'permission' to argue against it. Put your foot down!

I'd be blunt and tell her to fuck off. You are doing the right thing Also tell DH to step up and tell her to wind her neck in too.

I wonder if her ignorance shows in her day job also... It's a worry.

Weekly visits is too often. Now baby is here you need to start getting your own lives back. That means weekends when you can be just the three of you without in-laws. It means meeting up with friends. It means seeing your family sometimes. Basically I would start by saying you can't meet next week. Ease her into a fortnightly visit. Then three weeks. Then monthly. If you got on well and she was being supportive it would be a different matter, but right now you need less of her in your life. Also, next time she oversteps the mark put her firmly in her place. Tell her that a lot of her ideas are a generation out of date and that the science has moved on. You are doing what your health visitor has advised and your health visitor says that your baby is gaining weight well and generally thriving. She is welcome to visit, but her advice on parenting is not wanted.

It’s interesting and surprising to read what people are saying about mothers being pressurised to use formula in the eighties,
because this was not my experience. I had four children from 1984 onwards and where I lived (in Oxfordshire) breastfeeding on demand was the norm at that time. All health workers encouraged feeding on demand and I never felt pressurised to do otherwise. I’m not saying it didn’t happen, just that fortunately for me I didn’t experience it. Anyway OP, sounds like you’re doing a great job and there’s some really good advice on here from posters on how to deal with your highly insensitive MIL.

Gently remind her it’s your baby, your rules! I say gently as you don’t want to start world war 3 🙄 My MIL told me I was neglecting the rest of the family when I breast fed. She hasn’t stopped making snidey comments since and DP won’t stick up for me. We’ve been together 30 years! Do it now! Your future self will thank you
OR, sit her down and have a proper conversation as to why she thinks this. Perhaps advice has changed and ask her to support you. That would only work if you think it would be a fair, two sided conversation and not her railroading everything you say. Good luck OP 💐

this 100%

This is a person you need to, at least temporarily cut out of your life

You're doing a great job! Keep up with the breastfeeding. It's a big regret of mine that I didn't.

You're MIL sounds like an absolute tit. Tell her to mind her own bloody business and your DH needs to grow a pair.

Just to answer a few questions - our relationship has always been fine. We never had any issues and generally got on well, hence why I'm finding this situation so difficult because I've never had to be assertive with her. It's only since I've had a baby she's become an overbearing cow. It's like she thinks she's my child's second mother. She often makes comments about how she "can't wait" until I've weaned the baby so she can take her for A WEEK! I don't even want her to have my baby for a day, never mind a week. Whenever the baby is with her, all she does is cry the whole time.

DH did come with me to classes during my pregnancy, but I did the breastfeeding one on my own and admittedly, didn't tell him much about it, so his lack of knowledge in the area may be partly down to me, although I do realise he could have done his own research.

Also, I typically never know when she's visiting. She just calls and says "I'm on my way now!" And turns up minutes later and I kind of feel obliged to let her come since she lives over an hour away.

Apparently formula was available that early and Native Americans were making alternative feeds in the 1700s if not before.
My father was a sickly baby and he improved enormously after visiting Romanies told my grandmother to give him evaporated milk.

Agreed, this is a good starting point for your DH. Together with info on cluster feeding. My whole family does support me, it makes a big difference.
And when in doubt: lactation consultant, not your MIL...

I'll tell her to piss off and dh can follow if he doesn't like it

Ps. Congratulations!

To which you say ‘oh, I’m so sorry, I’m just on my way out. How about (different day/time) instead?’

As for taking your child for a week, well, your MIL is batshit crazy but for the sake of family harmony 🙄 I’d say something like ‘OMG, what kind of a mother do you think I am going to be? I can’t even imagine being away from DC for that long, never mind actually wanting to be away from DC for that long!!! I promise, I’ll let you know when I’m ready but don’t go holding your breath.’

I have said this before and no doubt I’ll say it again - don’t be afraid to lose your shit occasionally. Sometimes you need to do that to make people listen.

I also recognise my suggestions above aren’t in the ‘losing your suit’ category. Start with them but if you need more, go nuclear. You rarely have to do it twice.

She is way overstepping the boundaries. I’ve seen it way too many times: new parent viewed as easy target.

Stand firm. You know what you are doing. You are doing great. You are the parent not her. Anything you don’t know you will learn just like every other parent (including her when it was her time).

And no! She does not get to be in charge and decide to take the baby for a week.

Sorry you are going through this. It is difficult and stressful dealing with people like your MIL. And your husband needs step up and back you up as a united front. He’s a grown man, his mummy is not in charge of his marriage/partner and how he or his partner parents his/your children.

Wow poor you. Most people would be congratulating you for breast feeding. Try to keep her at a distance she’s way too vocal & critical if you can. Don’t let her guilt you into being exposed to her toxic energy 💐

Tell her to shut up, and tell your Husband to grow a pair. She is a ridiculous woman and I'd be telling her exactly that, and to get a life.

Its time for you to woman-up too unless you want her overbearing presence blighting your life. & once your child is old enough to understand then she'll be criticising you to your child too.

Get your husband to stand up to her. If he won't, you need to be assertive now before it gets worse. I wouldn't worry too much about keeping a wonderful relationship. Be civil but assertive. E.g. if she says "your breastmilk isn't enough" etc. say "it's perfectly normal for babies to cluster feed and I am giving baby a vit d supplement" then send her links to kellymom website etc. If she says "I can't wait to take baby for a week" say "it's lovely that you care and want to spend time with baby but I won't be apart from baby for a long time. I will let you know when I'm ready for you to babysit". If she turns up with little announcement tell her that unfortunately that time doesn't suit you but she's welcome to come on xx date. If necessary go out or pretend to be out when she comes. If this all forces a confrontation don't be afraid of it but try to stay reasonable / don't get too rude or personal.

Well done on persevering with breastfeeding by the way. It's really tough and draining at the start and MIL's unsupportive comments aren't helpful. If you need support for any reason I would recommend la leche league for advice.