MIL said my breast milk isn't good enough for my baby

[goldenroses95]

I have a newborn who is feeding extremely often and my MIL claims that my baby is feeding so often because she's not getting enough nutrients from my breast milk. She says I need to change my diet (this is based on her seeing me eat 1 pizza takeaway on the weekend!) and even said "do you not love your child?"

I have told her that babies cluster feed and you feed breast fed babies on demand but MIL is having none of it. DH has not once backed me on this and her constant interfering is stressing me out. This incident is just one of a long list of things she's said/done.

Not an aibu as such but posting to see if anyone can advise me on how to navigate this situation!

Tell
Your husband to man up !!

Why are granny's so werid .my mum changed into a different person when I had my daughter. She was desperate for me out to feed so she could get my daughter and used to even call her my daughter.
You are going a great job mil not so much
I'd tell her to back off now it won't be easy but nip the werid granny shit now xx

My MIL made similar comments from her experience of a week long stint of breastfeeding 40 years ago. She stopped because she wasn't producing......apparently.

This is the same woman who suggested putting my baby in a pram outside alone for 'fresh air', and who asked a pharmacist about some tonic for pregnant women that was discontinued 35 years ago cause it contained alcohol.

Im NC now. The batshittery got even worse.

I breastfed my two children...still feed one of them now infact at 2.

Something that was an issue though just incase. Both mine had a posterior tongue tie and once cut, feeding was much better (saying that my first was feeding constantly)

I would try and find a way to make it clear if she suggests you don’t love your child or that not knowing what your doing as first time parents to a newborn baby isn’t. Normal she won’t have a relationship with her grandchild. I’d probably be very over emotional and make it clear how much these comments hurt you. That you want her to be involved however not at the extent of you being put down and made to feel like she currently does. With lots of “I’m sure it’s not your intention but when you say….it really upsets me and that’s not right or fair”

I remember some advice someone once gave me; when someone is giving you their unsolicited, negative advice or opinions say in the nicest possible way: “I’m sorry you feel that way.” Then carry on as you were. It seems to work most of the time. Another one is: “Thank-you for sharing your opinion, I’ll look into that.”

Polite and noncommittal.

Why on earth should the OP be polite to someone who has been nothing but judgemental and rude to her, and accused her of not loving her child?!
Being all nicey nicey saying thankyou for voicing her concerns etc...will just feed her more and make her think she hasn't done anything wrong.

To be honest after an unforgivable comment like that I would be ditching her straight away OP (although i get it's hard with your DH not being on board) but if you won't do that then at least be honest and let her know how much her comment upset you and that such horrible behaviour won't be tolerated by you.If she still won't change (which i doubt she will) you really would be better off to cut ties with her (even if your partner won't) and know you have done a good thing removing someone so toxic from your own and your child's life (speaking from experience with having an awful MIL who we put up with for too long!)
She sounds like a bully...don't let her walk all over you.

Your DH is an idiot for not supporting you.He really needs to buck his ideas up, grow some and stop being a mummy's boy/ controlled like a puppet on her strings, you and your baby should be his priority now not her.

I hope you have nicer family on your own side to support you? Or some good friends?

When she says something like that you need to tell her to her face she’s unbearable. Tell her she’s a horrible woman. Ask her for she realises how nasty she sounds.

dont worry about hurting her feelings because she obviously doesn’t give a shit about yours.

Also, I typically never know when she's visiting. She just calls and says "I'm on my way now!" And turns up minutes later and I kind of feel obliged to let her come since she lives over an hour away.

You must feel on edge all the time as she's not a nice visitor , who can turn up anytime.

You need to stop this, her son is out I'm presuming?

Just text her, "now we are family of 3, please text to ask first to find out if it's a good time for visits. Don't want you to waste your time driving over if it's not"

Then she's prewarned! Then any 'I'm a couple minutes away' texts you groan at - & if DH is out - , you can reply "Sorry, can't do, please text before you set off to ask first next time like I reminded you last week. "
Make sure mil doesn't hold a key anymore.

I'd also be tempted to take baby and leave the room each time she comes in with unwelcome opinions. Or say "time to go home as you're having a dig at me again... it's really grating."

Also, I typically never know when she's visiting. She just calls and says "I'm on my way now!" And turns up minutes later and I kind of feel obliged to let her come since she lives over an hour away.

Yes, this is also a problem. She has shown than she has no qualms about pleasing herself with the timing of her visits. I’d address this head-on.

Explain you’re going to be out with other mothers, baby groups, etc. and so it’s not a good idea to expect you to be in last minute, and best to arrange a day and time between you every couple of weeks. Then ideally make it a time when DH is there.

I see from your update that the ‘take the baby away’ talk has already started. Expect the pressure on your breastfeeding to ramp up in coming months unless you (or ideally DH) nips it in the bud now.

Is there a FIL around?

My DS is 9 months old and about 3 weeks ago I finally lost my sh*t at my MIL. We FF and she went on constantly about how hers were both breastfed, were never ill and so superior. Then as DS is a sickly baby she said we were bad parents for not investigating it and getting him the surgery he needs and that he is bulimic? That was the final straw and I wish I had said something months ago! I would say to her very clearly I am a good mum, DH is a good day and if you want to be in this babies lives start respecting our choices or f off.

It sounds like mil wants the breastfeeding to fail so she can grab baby with bottled milk. Don't let her win. Tell your partner you are breastfeeding your baby and stress will undermine your milk supply so he needs to talk to his Mum and remind her you are the Mother and you know your baby best. I would go into another room to feed if mil sits there making snide comments.

dont let her in at next unannounced visit. she'll soon arrange in advance

you are doing a great job!

This / she is a nightmare! I feel so bad for you, my MIL has said some awful things but this apparent change since baby arrived is something else.

When she does this, text her back saying "sorry have plans today" and go out or to a friend's (or just don't answer the door). Every time. Please tell me she doesn't have a key...

Sorry to say you need to get your big girl pants on and set some very firm boundaries. She is being vile.

I would suggest telling your midwife / health visitor btw, ideally when your DH is there too.

Urgh this seems to be such a common issue. My MIL constantly said unhelpful things like, ‘He can’t possibly be hungry again’ and was desperate for me to bottle feed so she could ‘have a go’. Well MIL, he was hungry, my breastmilk was more than enough, and he grew into a delightful chonk of a baby.

I see someone has mentioned the fresh air fanaticism too. Yes, I daresay it is healthy for babies, as long as you live somewhere with good air quality, ie not next to a raging dual carriageway or the council tip, but it seemed to be taken to some quite bizarre extremes, like three hours outside for a week-old baby, with snow on the ground.

The guy who popularised all these methods, like strict timetabled feeding and babies in separate rooms from birth, Truby King, actually used the rearing of young farm animals as his inspiration, so I wouldn't pay too much attention if you have an older relative spouting these theories.

There was nothing stopping him doing some of his own reading. You really don't need to read very much to know that breastfeeding is an "on demand" system for small babies and not a schedule.

DH really needs to find his spine and deal with the unplanned visits. She needs to let you know/agree times or else you need to go out every time she comes (a hassle but it might make the point to DH).

Telling a new mother she doesn't love her baby and the she doesn't know what she is doing is a totally shitty thing to do to any new mother. If your DH is content to standby and make excuses instead of supporting you then it speaks volumes about him. Would he let anyone else speak to you like this?

Don't think you can't kick her out for being rude because she lives an hour away, you wouldn't accept a stranger in the street to speak to you like that, so why your MIL.

I breast fed in the 70s and 90s and the advice was the same as DIL got a couple of years ago. I had the most wonderful HV in the 70s who helped me when I was a struggling teenage mum. She would come on her way to work, come in during the day and on the way home for a week or so until we were both happy that all was OK. I also had support from my NCT group. I also donated loads to the local milk bank and the "milk maid" as the midwife who ran it was nicknamed by her colleagues was also very supportive.

I added it up and I breastfed for a total of five years and while breastfeeding was twice asked to attend ante natal groups to talk to expectant mums about breastfeeding (and inevitably demonstrate as baby also attended) and once to a group of student midwives. When one of the students asked if I recorded when baby fed and for how long the midwife running the session laughed as she explained that wasn't how it worked with breastfeeding.

Advice about sleeping babies on their front or back was the big thing that changed not breastfeeding. Oh when to wean was the change to advice about feeding babies but breastfeeding was the same.

I've not rtft OP but I had similar comments from both my MIL and Mum. Just ignore her, it really is as simple as that.

Lucky you! She’s shown very early that she’s incredibly stupid and you can ignore all her other crap.

He died in the 30s. Unless you are as old as I am it is unlikely your elderly relatives followed his methods. They were more likely to be following Dr Spock.

There are always a variety of gurus, I think Gina Ford was much more rigid that Dr Spock and her main following was in the naughties I think.

Well done you're doing a great job feeding your baby and you know it. Your husband could do with doing some research himself.

Your MIL is very outspoken. I suggest you adopt the exact same approach. Plan a few responses if it helps. "Ha ha not a chance that's going to happen". "No way you don't know what you're doing!"

This is after all what she says to you

To be used next time she has Any comments about taking your baby for week or really anything you don't like.

Time to reset your relationship relationship with her.

To the taking baby away comment say laughing “oh I’m not going to be the type of mum who can ever cope with that” tinkle tinkle
”me and dp have done our real search,he was just saying to me today how proud he is of me and how well we are both looking on this way of doing things.so don’t worry we are all good thanks.it’s just so nice isn’t it that your son also sees how well it’s going .”tinkle tinkle
”when you say things like that it really hurts my feelings mil.I’m sure you’d never want to hurt me so I can’t understand it.”
”oh mil just to say now we are going out more as a family and me with my groups could you start to arrange visits with us from now on.we don’t want you turning up when we are busy do we.so let’s arrange things from now on yes.” Tinkle tinkle

She often makes comments about how she "can't wait" until I've weaned the baby so she can take her for A WEEK! I don't even want her to have my baby for a day, never mind a week.

Next time she makes a comment like that shut it down straight away with some comment like "Whoah. Calm down. She won't be spending a week away from me until she is at least 5 and probably not even that young."

You do have to stand up to her now and get her to back off or it will just