To really not like my daughter (18)

[fdkc]

My daughter is an emotional abuser to me. She constantly puts me down, calls me names and is just a downright nasty, unlikeable person. She has no friends but has a boyfriend who I dislike because he is 19, finished school over a year ago and still has no job, he just sits around all day.

She lives with us, we have 3 other kids who are younger and I'm just not sure how much longer I can put up with her constant put downs. It's like I'm in an abusive relationship with no hope of getting out. Her dad, my dh has tried to speak to her but she just screams and shouts at him then and they end up in a massive row. She says she doesn't care what we say anyway cause she's 18 and an adult.

Is there anything I can do to help her be a nicer, kinder person and stop abusing me? She will likely be living with us for another few years anyway.

Tell her to leave.

Has anything happened in her life to cause this, how was her upbringing?

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to dislike her behaviour because it sounds nasty. But she’s your daughter - presumably she didn’t just wake up like this one day? People don’t often like hearing this, but in the grand majority of cases I’ve seen where someone dislikes their teenager it’s not hard to see why the relationship has broken down. The parent usually doesn’t reference this but there will be a background that makes it clear why the teenager is the way they are.

Is there anything like that? Has she had a happy and settled childhood with you supporting her and guiding her? Was she always like this or is it recent?

She needs to move out. Your younger kids who don’t have that option need to be your priority. It sounds like a shit environment for them to be living in.

Something’s happened to make her behave this way but assuming you’ve tried to improve things you have to get her to move out.

See…advice that says ‘tell her to move out’ - it’s just stupid, sorry. Rent is astronomical and 18 yr olds do not typically have anything like the amount of cash required to pay it…even a room in a shared flat is beyond most.
Why bother even saying it?

More out to the free flat with no bills, is it?

When did this begin op? How was her childhood?

Time for her to leave! Don't be abused by an adult in your own home.

What's the relevance of the lazy boyfriend?

Don't interact with her when she is being abusive.

What triggers the emotional/aggressive outbursts? Is this learned behavior, has she been taught how to communicate fairly?

And of course ‘tell her to leave’ is excellent advice for someone else’s daughter, isn’t it?

Because mabey after a week of couch surfing with no where to go she will realise that the free room in mums house is a pretty sweet deal so will appreciate it rather then treating her parents like crap.

I lived inul my mums house through uni but would never have behaved the way the OPs daughter is. because I have no doubt that my mother would say your an adult there's the door.

I'm absolutely in the camp of kick her out even if just for a couple of weeks so she gets a reality check.

Is there anything that could have triggered or caused her behaviour? Any significant life events or trauma? or has this all popped up out of nowhere? I just ask because sometimes there’s threads like this and the. Later on a boob is dropped like the child was adopted at age 3 or has experienced sexual assult etc. I think the context of the behaviour is important.

I’ll be honest when I see threads from parents, or children , I always wonder what the other persons perspective would be.im
not trying to suggest it’s your fault, just that often it’s enlightening to know the other persons take.

you of course shouldn’t be abuse or treated badly in your own home. However for me I think how I address it would depend on what I thought the underlying cause of the behaviour was and what would improve the situation.

Tell her to speak to you with respect or get out. As for where, maybe the boyfriend's parents assuming he lives at home.
I don't like my daughters, 21 and 18, either. I love them but I don't like them. Oldest went to prison for repeatedly assaulting me and I had to get police to remove the youngest because every couple of days she would start screaming, swearing and name calling, f-ing this, f-ing that, at the top of her voice, and refused to go when told to. Our neighbours (and I) have put up with it for years, and no more.
My two are adopted which is maybe an explanation but not an excuse for their behaviour.

She had a fairly idyllic childhood with me and her dad. Now not saying we were the best parents because we both only 20 and 21 when we had her but we lived together as a family since day one. She was very spoiled and got everything she wanted. We were very close until maybe she was 15 and then her attitude changed, she just seemed to be not a very nice person. No real kindness towards other people or empathy for others.

For the person that asked the relevance of the lazy boyfriend, I think that's also part of the problem and a further blow to our relationship because I don't like him. I always ask when is he going to get a job, do something with his life etc instead of sponging of her cause she works.

There wouldn't be a hope of her able to move out either, way too expensive. She would love to though, she wanted to move in with her boyfriend and his family but of course they said no as I would if he wanted to move in with us.

Well that's why. She's been spoiled all her life and you gave her everything she wanted. Now you are reaping the rewards.

Yes, you sit her down and tell her that as an adult you expect her to treat everyone in the household with courtesy and respect.

That she observe the basic decencies of tidiness, shared bathroom hygiene, and she will contribute to the house by cooking once a week.
And if she cannot manage these basics, she will leave on Nov 30. You are giving her notice.

And stick to it.

It's time the gloves came off. She is no longer a child. She can share a squat with her lazy boyfriend.

Does she earn enough a month to rent a room somewhere? Because, as you put it and its also mentioned from another post here; she’s been spoiled, and that’s where I think this sense of entitlement has derived from.

3 years and it’s only getting worse?

Do you let it continue and life in a hostile environment with younger children, which ultimately isn’t fair on them?

If it were my daughter, a polite, calm debate regarding moving out and being free to make her own choices with her boyfriend, would be the topic of tonight’s conversation.

Just because you and her dad have been together all her life doesn’t automatically mean she had a great upbringing. I’m not saying she didn’t, it’s just that the way you’ve put it makes it seem like you think that having two parents living together automatically means she had a great life.

You spoiled her - so she’s spoiled! I can’t see the big mystery here?

She needs to move out. If her lazy boyfriend got a job would they afford to rent? I’m in the camp of thinking it’s absolutely mad to have adult children living with you, but that’s just me. I moved out of home at 18 and had a couple of short stays back home in my 20s (before/after travelling) but otherwise worked full time, as did my partner (now DH) and always rented our own place. Why can’t she do the same.

I find it awful to describe your daughter as "abusive" in this situation.

It's also abusive to not provide your children with emotional warmth, or indeed to fail to instil any respect or boundaries due to oermussive parenting.

How does it make you feel to be described as abusive fdkc?

Is she still in education?

When it comes to helping around the house and cooking the odd meal she does help out. She is supposed to pay 20 a week for rent but doesn't most of the time and if I ask her she goes off on one saying we are trying to rob her and this is her house etc etc. We always get weel this person doesn't have to pay anything at home, thus persons parents bought them a car, this person gets so much more at Christmas. She's quite a nasty piece of work actually with her tongue. Since she was 15/16, if we tried discipline her she would threaten the police on us saying we are abusing/threatening her when we would just be giving out to her over bad behaviour.

I'm actually lost, I don't know what to do with her. And I'm so sick of the constant put downs. I wouldn't take it off anybody else.

Unfortunately thousands of parents are abused by their own adult children in their own homes.

It’s the abuse that’s awful, not the description of the abuser as awful.

She can call the police, they will laugh in her face.

I would be taking £200 per monty from her, saving it, and then 6 months later giving it to her as a deposit for her own place.

She is going to get worse, OP.

In your shoes I’d maybe try talking to her in a reasonable manner and tell her some of the consequences if she doesn’t start being more reasonable. Eg I’m not providing lifts for a person who treats me badly etc.
I’d maybe try to put a plan together to try and get us some quality time together too. She might be reluctant but I’d there is something she likes you can pursuance her with id try. I wouldn’t tell her “let’s have quality time” or anything, I’d do it without making it explicit.

Also I’d back off on the boy friend. Your comments haven’t worked so far and they’re not going to. So they’re probably more damaging than helpful. You don’t have to like him, but you don’t need to make comments about it.

maybe try to reflect on that patterns in your relationship and what you can do to disrupt the negative patterns.

Honestly OP why didn’t you learn at the toddler stage!? “Well that’s what they do in their family, but in ours we do this” If you didn’t address that and she constantly gets to push you around with no boundaries whatsoever then of course she’s become a bit of a monster.

You've trained and enabled her behaviour all her life, and now you’re labelling her a nasty piece of work? It’s unbelievable your lack of accountability for your own child. Hardly “idyllic”.

Sounds like a bad case of a lack of discipline. Honestly so many parents seem to think that by giving their children everything they want, that they are being good parents.