To really not like my daughter (18)

[fdkc]

My daughter is an emotional abuser to me. She constantly puts me down, calls me names and is just a downright nasty, unlikeable person. She has no friends but has a boyfriend who I dislike because he is 19, finished school over a year ago and still has no job, he just sits around all day.

She lives with us, we have 3 other kids who are younger and I'm just not sure how much longer I can put up with her constant put downs. It's like I'm in an abusive relationship with no hope of getting out. Her dad, my dh has tried to speak to her but she just screams and shouts at him then and they end up in a massive row. She says she doesn't care what we say anyway cause she's 18 and an adult.

Is there anything I can do to help her be a nicer, kinder person and stop abusing me? She will likely be living with us for another few years anyway.

There is no excuse for her behaviour,
lf my 16 year old daughter said one of the things mentioned l would come down on her like a ton of bricks, if at 18 she spoke to me like that, l would insist she had a month to move out.
If she did not go l would rent somewhere for her for 2 months and move her myself.

18 is a grown adult, many 18 years olds have children and husbands and pay rent e4tc, why on earth so many posters baby their 18 year old l don't know

Out of interest, how does she behave in front of other adults? For example, extended family? The reason I ask is our daughter went through a similar phase of being really dreadful towards us. Initially we stopped inviting people round but then we realised that we were feeling really miserable not seeing our friends and wider family. We also realised that our daughter behaved much better when other people were there. We started having people round more regularly and she seemed to get into the habit of behaving a little bit better. Have u chatted to the parents of her boyfriend? U might find that a bit of solidarity helps - they cd talk to their son and get him to help her think about her behaviour.

another thing that helped us was setting firm boundaries. Eg - no money, lifts, takeaways etc unless evidence of basic level of politeness. Boyfriend can visit but only if no abusive language used. Yes, she may rage around u but a matter of fact response of “what on earth do u expect wen u behave like this?” puts it back onto her. Keep ur cool. Tell her she can call the police if she wd like and mean it. The police have seen it all.

personally I wdnt ask her to leave. give more strategies a really good go. Consistent boundaries from u both will make a difference. Look after ur own mental health. Make sure the joy does not disappear from the household for ur sake and ur husband and other children.

Main thing that improved our daughter’s behaviour was just growing up. She’s lovely now but she put us thru a hellish time.

make some consistent changes and u r v likely to see some improvements. Big hugs 😀

Pack her suitcase, then sit her down and lay out ground rules. If she can't accept them, out she goes..and do it. Tough love, but you are doing her no favours by allowing her to become an abuser.

18 is a good age for her to move out. She can get a flat share like anyone else who is working. You don’t have to go on paying for her you know.

Have a look on Spare Room and find her somewhere to live. If she goes off on one, point out that the place costs whatever, £500 a month, and that if she plans on continuing to live with you, you expect her to pay say 75% of that. Really, the problem is that she needs her own space but you don't get to rule the roost AND live in someone else's house for free.

You say she changed around 15-16 and your youngest child is 5?
how many other children are there in the house?

did you have 3 kids close together and then a baby when she was a young teen?
Im not excusing anything she’s doing but it is possible she was feeling pushed out by a baby and you didn’t realize

Nasty

@fdkc my youngest son got in with a bad crowd and made my life miserable from 15. Always walking on eggshells around his moods. Any conversation that meant I had to disagree or refuse a request would lead to door slamming and him trashing his bedroom. when he was 17 it came to a head one day when he and his friends had been caught climbing into the local cricket club and trying to access the clubhouse and getting chased off by the very elderly caretaker. When I found out he was involved I lost it with him and told him I’d had enough. He was in my face squaring up to me and saying more of the same vile stuff I’d had for years. This time I didn’t back down and stay the nice calm quiet mum. By the end of the day I’d contacted a local organisation that helped young adults at risk of homelessness and they got him a room in their local unit.

if she stays at home you are letting your younger children experience and learn from her behaviour. Personally I think she needs a sharp lesson in cause and effect. I’d see about having her removed from the home.

my youngest is now 22. He came home at 18 and we have a much better relationship once we had some distance to work on things. The centre also got him help in developing social skills, managing anger, talking therapy and help running and living in his own place.

I do not regret it. I couldn’t have kept living that way. I wouldn’t have let a partner speak to me like that without repercussions. I had previously tried all sorts of avenues for help. Social services, CAMHS, schools, police… nothing worked. The unit was my last hope.

See…advice that says ‘tell her to move out’ - it’s just stupid, sorry. Rent is astronomical and 18 yr olds do not typically have anything like the amount of cash required to pay it…even a room in a shared flat is beyond most.

Oh, so parents of abusive children are just supposed to put up with it are they? If living at home is so awful for this poor girl, then she and her bf need to get jobs and she does need to move out. Plenty of young people here share flats and seem to manage. As for all the posters trying to find excuses why the girl might be like this - and practically blaming it on her parents - I despair!!!!

Verbal and emotional abuse is okay though right?

So should 'it's not their house, it's their parents''

So until you move out you don't have a house? What a way to make your children feel insecure and alone in the world as telling them the house they're brought up in is not "theirs".
I find this horrific and my child knows the house she is in is hers, mine, dad's, the cats'. It's her home, forever. But then I'm not disconnecting from my child and planning on ignoring signs she's becoming horrible as a person until it's too late.

What do you still do for her. If the answer is anything then stop. Dont do her washing or ironing dont cook for her switch the internet off when you go to bed. Really come down hard and if she kicks off and causes a scene ask her to leave. I have done this to my son before it's not long before he is back apologising.

Ask her to leave.

The problem with this is that it sets no expectations.

Part of a house being a "home" is the people who live in it and how they treat each other. While some here appear to view it differently, I absolutely have expectations on how people behave and how they treat the others. Basic human civility is not at all an unreasonable expectation.

Not only is the daughters behaviour not contributing to making the house a home, she is actively working against making it a home. She is destroying the safe space a home should be.

If you want the right to call it a home, you need to treat it like a home.

I actually wondered this too.

I know people will be quick to dismiss the idea but it's worth thinking about, and going back over her childhood to see if there were any signs. Neurodiversity can be extremely difficult to spot in girls as it can be very hidden. But underneath, genuine distress and difficulties can be occurring - it's just that no one realises.

It doesn't make the nasty behaviour acceptable, and nor should you ignore it. But the solution may be different.

@mavismorpoth

what about when your daughter gets her own house? Will that not be her home cos her home is your house?

re the OP’s daughter, OP’s house isn’t her daughters house. It just isn’t.

Fine if you set them throughout the years and identify problems as they come up but this problem reads as

we spoiled our child, did nothing when she began to go off the rails, now she's become absolutely vile so we're going to turf her out of our home

Shocking "parenting" in my view.

What?

The home you grow up in is your home. To suggest otherwise is telling children they're basically homeless and have nothing. It's not true, we bring them into this world. Sorry I just can't imagine not seeing everyone in this family feeling ownership of this home.

It's the cats' home too, they shit on the floor and bite me.

You need to ask her what happened to her when she was 15. Something happened to make her angry and you don't know what it is. Ask her

I don't care what kind of upbringing the kid had, at 18 years old they know better than to treat people the way the daughter is treating her family.

What sort of things do you say to her? I don’t wish to be unkind but children learn from their upbringings. If your child is a disgrace at 18, then you can’t put all the blame for that on her.

You should have stopped the put downs and rude comments as soon as she started with them. Whatever age that is. I’m a very relaxed reasonable parent, but I will not be spoken to like something my kids have stepped in. No way. Most parents do so much for their kids and I find it so disrespectful the way some kids will speak to parents. I was never allowed to be rude either, obviously in a few arguments I was probably rude but day to day there’s no need for kids to rule the roost and dictate to parents and be horrible. At 18 she knows where the door is. I’d tell her calmly you won’t be spoken to like this anymore, if she continues then she needs to find her own place to live. Take back control

This is categorically untrue. Of course the way you are brought up has an impact on all aspects of how you behave.

Exactly, it sounds like you ignored something hoping it would go away and it's biting you in the arse which it always does.

The tac you need is to rebuild with your daughter. She is not your enemy. Family therapy, pay for it, show her you want to be a mother to her and to give her a good start in life because this being kicked out nonsense is a recipe for disaster. I couldn't live with myself if my child's life was fucked up and I didn't do everything I could.

She's still at home. You need to sort it before she leaves not just wash your hands of her.

See…advice that says ‘tell her to move out’ - it’s just stupid,
DS1 became a bit of an arse when he was around 18. At times he was bloody obnoxious and entitled. He never used to be like that. He was told told to shape up or get out and that there was no way I had to tolerate his selfish behaviour. We had a massive row. He said he didn't feel welcome in his home and I told him he was welcome as long as he didn't make demands from him, picked up after himself and didn't talk to me with contempt. It cleared the air and things did change immediately.....so yeah it wasn't stupid advice. It was a shock tactic and I would have carried it out.