To really not like my daughter (18)

[fdkc]

My daughter is an emotional abuser to me. She constantly puts me down, calls me names and is just a downright nasty, unlikeable person. She has no friends but has a boyfriend who I dislike because he is 19, finished school over a year ago and still has no job, he just sits around all day.

She lives with us, we have 3 other kids who are younger and I'm just not sure how much longer I can put up with her constant put downs. It's like I'm in an abusive relationship with no hope of getting out. Her dad, my dh has tried to speak to her but she just screams and shouts at him then and they end up in a massive row. She says she doesn't care what we say anyway cause she's 18 and an adult.

Is there anything I can do to help her be a nicer, kinder person and stop abusing me? She will likely be living with us for another few years anyway.

Some of the comments are really judgemental.
You aren't a bad parent & you're certainly not alone.
A bad parent would have given up years ago, you didn't.
There's someone really good advice on this thread @Whowhatwherewhenwhynow for example.
Your daughter is also at "that age". Some, not all teens are really challenging & unhappy at that stage.
Do you know if she's unhappy? Depressed? I'd started there, asking these questions. I would insist on rent & that being non negotiable. Sit down with you & your DH & DD & create some boundaries. If she says she's not willing to make an agreement or work with you then it's not going to work, I'd be sitting down with your DH and trying to decide what to do, as a family.

You feel like you are in an abusive relationship because you are.

The advice to tell her to leave was spot on.

You must not tolerate abuse, for everyone’s sakes - yours, the other children’s and especially the 18yo. At the moment she is getting the message that she can abuse people and there are few if any consequences. This does not bode well for her future relationships, not just intimate but work, friends, the lot.

You and your husband need to agree on boundaries and stick to them. There must be consequences.

What you describe, your daughter being fine until 15 then becoming more and more unpleasant, is quite normal. It’s the teenage brain at work in tandem with hormones going crazy and fears about independence. It’s when they need you most to be consistent. Kind but firm.

Try to overlook minor transgressions, praise effort, reiterate how loved she is but always always be utterly clear that abuse is unacceptable. If it continues she must go.

You say you wouldn't put up with this from some one else. So what would you do or say to someone else who spoke to you that way?
She might be your daughter, she may be young, but she's also an adult, with obligations to treat other adults with respect.
Somewhere along the line you have allowed her to assume all the power in this situation. You have failed to stand up for yourself and fight your corner. She sees you as weak and is riding rough shod over you.
You need to take back control, starting with a zero tolerance for verbal abuse. You say she goes on for half an hour calling you an ugly bitch? Do you just stand there and take it? You and your husband need to take a united front, tell her to leave the room. It is your house, that's your right.
What do you do for her? Lifts? Money? Other favours? If she treats you badly, withdraw them.
While her moving out isn't the easy fix people seem to think, it is your ultimate sanction. If you throw her out she would need to present to the local authority as homeless. At 18 they would owe her a duty under homelessness legislation, and a night or two in a hostel which might give her pause for thought.

I am aware of attachment parenting, I studied psychology in college. I am pretty sure we met her emotional needs as a child growing up. She was always open and honest with me and we were very close until around the age of 15. Back then I just put it down to her being a teenager and going through a difficult time with hormones etc but obviously we went wrong somewhere, I'm just not sure where or how to fix it.

Thank you. While I appreciate all the comments, I certainly don't let the judgmental ones bother me. Even though I am not a perfect parent, I am not a bad parent and I'm sure those trying to find fault in my parenting are far from perfect parents themselves!

As for dd being depressed, I am not sure. She seems pretty happy most of the time until things don't go her way like my brother staying in the house for the night 'babysitting'.

I don't speak negatively to her at all. Even when she is being very nasty, I keep my cool and don't retaliate with abusive name calling.

She says she doesn't care what we say anyway cause she's 18 and an adult. If she's saying she doesn't have to listen to you about who she dates and whether she treats him more than he treats her and what she does while she's out of the house, fine. If she's saying she doesn't have to listen when you tell her not to smoke cannabis in her bedroom, come home and 4 AM and slam every door in the house, or borrow the car without asking, she's talking nonsense.

But you need consequences when she's knowingly breaking house rules and interfering with other family members. She can certainly ask for the rules to be changed or relaxed and make her case rationally. Hear her out. But if she yells and insults you, tell her you've not engaging. Tell her her behaviour is childish (it is).Tell her you can't trust her left in charge of your five year old next time she complains about the babysitter, and tantrumming like a five year old herself won't change your mind. Remind her you're happy to talk when she can either be civil or explain coherently why she's not. And then leave the room, Put on noise-cancelling headphones if she won't stop shrieking. Don't row with her; you and your husband aren't 18 and of course you're calling the shots because you either own or are on the lease for the house and are accountable for any problems. If she ever does move out, her flatmates and landlord aren't going to put up with her temper tantrums and insults either; she might as well learn that now.

I always ask when is he going to get a job, do something with his life etc instead of sponging of her cause she works. Stop asking her this! This falls into the first "your opinion doesn't matter" category. Asking once politely was fine, now it's nagging and kind of rude.

I would laugh hard about the £20. There's no way in hell that covers her share of the utilities and food, even if you're happy for her to live rent-free. As for whether Tarquin's and Veruca's mummies let them stay for free and buy them toys, that's completely irrelevant as she's too old to be adopted.

It is right there in your post OP. She is in love with her boyfriend and wants to move in with him. You have told her that you don’t like him and that he is just using her. So basically, her mother thinks she is going out with a loser who doesn’t care that much about her. Of course she doesn’t like you right now.

Where did you read we were turfing her out of her home? Pretty sure I said I expect her to be living with us for a few more years and that she couldn't possibly afford a place of her own.

It's fine that she doesn't like me, loads of teens don't like their parents at different times but the verbal abuse needs to stop.

Yes I had her then twins 2 years later then a surprise baby 11 years after my twins. Dd was 13 when the youngest was born and she adores her little sister.

I think you’ve got to go into boot camp mode.
House rules, no shouting, no swearing, verbal abuse will not be tolerated. Everyone sticks to the rules.
She pays £x per week. List what this contributes towards — food, heat, electric, internet. I’d go as far as biting a receipt book, she pays , you write a receipt for her.
Do not talk about her boyfriend — you can’t make him work, you can’t change him so leave well alone.
By putting everything on a “this is the rules” basis you take the emotion out of it. She’ll kick against it, ignore her, totally 100% ignore her. If she’s shouting point to the rules and walk away. I’ve even put my finger to my lips — stunned a teen into silence more than once.
She will grow up eventually.

• buying, not biting. No one should be biting !!!

Haven’t RTFT as some judgy comments were annoying me. I have read all yours OP and tbh I think you should follow through on some
consequences; that is a disgusting way to speak to you - or anyone.

There’s always the whataboutery posters who are convinced there was that one time at the park and now it’s your fault and if you just loved them a bit more no teenagers would mess up, or she’s depressed, or she’s had a trauma. All possible - or - she might just be a very unpleasant teenager with no respect for her parents who needs some consequences.

GL to you.

Just because I have called you out for being wrong on the assumptions you have made about my parenting doesn't mean I am not listening to the responses I have received. I have actually listened to them all and will take on board the ones with practical, non judgemental advice.

I agree some of the posts are strange, insisting that it's something wrong that I did by not meeting her emotional needs or spoiling her or being too soft etc etc but I am fairly confident I was a good enough parent to her while she was growing up. I am looking for advice on how to deal with her behaviour now. I am not looking for opinions on how people think I might have failed her as a parent throughout the years.

Her life does sound quite constrained by you. You don't let her boyfriend stay over, you don't trust her to babysit. She's 18.

Why is your brother babysitting them overnight? She’s 18, why can’t she babysit on her own or have I missed something ?

OP I will ask this: do you yell back at her or respond when she is like this? Only it is very difficult to stay mad at someone who refuses to retaliate. Of course you can’t kick her out, that’s just an obscene thing to recommend. But, perhaps therapy of some sort or a chaperoned chat with someone else you trust might get to the root of why she is so angry and/or frightened. Am sure she doesn’t want to be this person that she’s turned into really and is obviously taking it on you as you are her rock.

Think you misunderstood my post. I am in no way questioning your parenting and have taken what you’ve written here as true.

My advice is there is a discussion on what’s ok behaviour and what’s not (boundaries) and if/when those are breached there are swift consequences. You’ll need to determine what those are.

Op what do you finance for her beyond a roof over her head and food?

Phone?
Clothes allowance?
Anything else?

That all stops.

And you and DH sit her down and explain the house rules that may enable her to earn these back.
When she blows up at you you stay calm and just keep repeating the rules. She needs to understand that her behaviour is unacceptable.
She is an adult now and is behaving towards you in an abusive way.
She behaves appropriately towards you, or she leaves.

You have my sympathies OP, some teenagers are just different to others and that doesn't mean you have parented them badly
You have to find a way to make her feel some consequences of her actions in my opinion. My friend had an issue with one of her teenagers so withdrew everything above the basics (washing put in the basket was done but anything left on the floor was not collected and added, meals were cooked but no favourite snacks bought, lifts given only to and from school but nothing extra, etc). It did work for them and her daughter is now a wonderful young woman and probably closer to her mum than the other siblings are
Good luck

Does she have any other issues? Mental health? ASD? ADHD? Just wondering because if she’s acting out like that it could explain ( not justify ) her behaviour.

Either way you need clear boundaries. Your house, your rules but there also needs to be give and take.

She’s 18, I think she can babysit overnight for you…. Stop asking your brother to babysit.

She needs to understand that she respects you or all privileges are off the table…. Including cooking, laundry, spins, allowances, phone credit.

Keep calm, don’t meet fire with fire. Explain calmly how her behaviour affects you. Don’t criticise the boyfriend, that will only bring them closer….. forbidden fruit is the sweetest.

She’s 18, I think she can babysit overnight for you…. Stop asking your brother to babysit.

Age isn’t an indicator of being a good babysitter. She sounds selfish at best and not like she’s equipped to care for a young child. OP says she admits just wants the house to herself to have her boyfriend over - it’s op and the other children’s home too, not a dosshouse for her to have free rein over. If she wants to be considered for babysitting then she needs to behave maturely and respectfully, and she can’t/won’t do that at the moment. So she isn’t ‘old’ enough to be responsible for the house and her siblings.

Do you know what abuse is?

Someone eroding all of your boundaries. It’s simple. Put up boundaries. And if you don’t, you are letting your younger kids experience the same.