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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To really not like my daughter (18)

147 replies

fdkc · 21/10/2022 15:26

My daughter is an emotional abuser to me. She constantly puts me down, calls me names and is just a downright nasty, unlikeable person. She has no friends but has a boyfriend who I dislike because he is 19, finished school over a year ago and still has no job, he just sits around all day.

She lives with us, we have 3 other kids who are younger and I'm just not sure how much longer I can put up with her constant put downs. It's like I'm in an abusive relationship with no hope of getting out. Her dad, my dh has tried to speak to her but she just screams and shouts at him then and they end up in a massive row. She says she doesn't care what we say anyway cause she's 18 and an adult.

Is there anything I can do to help her be a nicer, kinder person and stop abusing me? She will likely be living with us for another few years anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
fdkc · 22/10/2022 09:07

urbanbuddha · 21/10/2022 22:52

Her life does sound quite constrained by you. You don't let her boyfriend stay over, you don't trust her to babysit. She's 18.

Why would I let her boyfriend stay over? It is our home and I have 3 younger children. I was never allowed a boyfriend stay over in my parents house. Also she is not mature enough to look after 3 younger siblings for a whole night, I genuinely would spend my night away worrying about them. If we just go out for a meal or something she can and has babysat for us.

Her life isn't constrained at all by me, as in she can go where she wants and do what she wants but she can't treat our home like a doss house. She has her own room and nobody bothers her apart from her 5 year old sister who adores her but she adores her little sister too and doesn't mind her coming into her room.

OP posts:
Eupraxia · 22/10/2022 11:38

I was never allowed a boyfriend stay over in my parents house.

And you had a baby by 20, so no doubt living independently.

Are you expecting/hoping the same for her? There are different ways to be a young adult. That can involve being gradually allowed the freedoms of adulthood within your parental home. Is this the kind of thing you would ever consider for any of your children?

Lotusmonster · 22/10/2022 11:55

She sounds emotionally disregulated. Look up EUPD or BPD. Symptoms frequently emerge in puberty. She and you may need help. Ping me if you want to discuss further. I’m a mum of a DC with BPD.

MotherOfRatios · 22/10/2022 16:07

studying something in college presumably a long time ago is different to suggesting therapy to her.

You've said yourself she's stopped opening up, I would really seek on repairing your relationship, it sounds like something deeper is affecting her but she presumably doesn't have anyone to open up to.

if something is going on, it doesn't excuse the abuse, but I would be seeking to repair the relationship rather than enforce punishment, which may worsen things. Also, if not you, someone else in the family that she will open up to.

ElectedOnThursday · 22/10/2022 17:12

Lotusmonster · 22/10/2022 11:55

She sounds emotionally disregulated. Look up EUPD or BPD. Symptoms frequently emerge in puberty. She and you may need help. Ping me if you want to discuss further. I’m a mum of a DC with BPD.

No, she sounds like a typically unreasonable 18yo with not enough boundaries.

Please don’t pathologise teenage behaviour based on your one experience of having an unwell child. You should also know that BPD and EUPD are wildly overused, especially on traumatised and young women.

CaronPoivre · 22/10/2022 17:35

She sounds
ike an aimless 18 year old without aims or dreams for her future and trying to navigate the world between childhood and adulthood.

I suspect she senses you are disappointed, disapproving and dislike her. That’s not a nice thing for your mother to feel. You need to rebuild a positive relationship and learn to adore her but not the behaviour.
Throwing her out is what parents on Jeremy Kyle do. It’s not what kind, loving parents do and would be hugely destructive and probably irreparable. Dreadful suggestion.
She needs to feel trusted, wanted and supported by unconditional love. You are the parent and chose to have her. You adored her as a toddler and child and she needs to see the same joy in her now.

How? What would you want? I’d want my mother and I to laugh and shop together. I’d want my mother to be excited to eat the meal I’d cooked with my boyfriend. I’d want some mummy/daughter time - I’m go on city breaks with my girls individually and we giggle most of the weekend, drink vile coloured cocktails and get lost in European cities. That’s not cheap admittedly, but maybe a cinema or theatre trip to see a film or play aimed at female audience with a shared seafood platter or burgers dripping in whatever sauce is the favourite. Ribs always make us laugh.

Or get your nails done together and talk about her dreams, her plans her wishes. Help her decide her future and remind both of you what is beautiful about her. It might be her hair, her eyelashes or her smile or it might be her singing voice. It doesn’t matter what it is but remind her of what makes her special to you.
Dig out the baby and wedding albums and laugh over a bottle of wine and some beers with your husband, her and her boyfriend.
Get a babysitter and go out for a meal with her and her boyfriend. Let them choose where. Talk about memories and dreams.
Engage with her.

Once that’s done, if she starts putting you down smile widely, tell her not to be so bloody rude and judgemental and ask her if she wants to be reminded exactly where she came from and what her gene pool looks like. Smile again and move on.

Doing battle really isn’t the way. If she’s using good contraception and he’s a fairly long term boyfriend let him stay over once or twice a week. Tell them they can cook twice a week and babysit twice a month in return for the additional costs involved. Make him a welcome guest and he’ll end up defending you to her.

Papergirl1968 · 22/10/2022 17:48

You're living in cloud cuckoo land, CaronPoivre. You may go out for cocktails with your dd, but would you really if she was as vile as the Op's dd?
As for having the boyfriend staying over, no way. I wouldn't even consider it until dd's behaviour improved massively. I would stop criticising him though because as others have said, that just makes him more desirable.

Totallyanonymousplease · 22/10/2022 17:54

Honestly I think describing her behaviour as ‘abusive’ is totally wrong here and you need to reframe this is your mind to move forwards.

yes it would be abusive if it were your dH saying these things to you - but it’s not, it’s your DD and there’s a totally different dynamic there.

she is legally an adult but she’s still your child and I’m guessing her behaviour is her saying she’s unhappy and struggling in life.

would it help to see her outbursts as cries for help?

CaronPoivre · 22/10/2022 17:59

Papergirl1968 · 22/10/2022 17:48

You're living in cloud cuckoo land, CaronPoivre. You may go out for cocktails with your dd, but would you really if she was as vile as the Op's dd?
As for having the boyfriend staying over, no way. I wouldn't even consider it until dd's behaviour improved massively. I would stop criticising him though because as others have said, that just makes him more desirable.

Not at all. It’s having experience of many teenagers, that means I know it works. Kindness and carrots are far more effective than sticks. Nobody suggests accepting the behaviour but it’s much easier to change the behaviour if a young person trusts their parent to love them. Just with toddlers and little children, reinforcing positive behaviours, finding goodness is the way to achieve sustained changes.

Whenwherewhy · 22/10/2022 18:07

Your daughter sounds very unhappy.
You say you don't like her. She probably knows that at some level which cannot help.
You are treating her like a child by not allowing her boyfriend and saying she is too immature to babysit at 18.
Perhaps you both need to start treating each other better. It sounds like you need family counselling. Your daughter needs to know you love her enough to allow her to grow up.

5128gap · 22/10/2022 20:05

Whenwherewhy · 22/10/2022 18:07

Your daughter sounds very unhappy.
You say you don't like her. She probably knows that at some level which cannot help.
You are treating her like a child by not allowing her boyfriend and saying she is too immature to babysit at 18.
Perhaps you both need to start treating each other better. It sounds like you need family counselling. Your daughter needs to know you love her enough to allow her to grow up.

If my DD subjected me to the verbal abuse and bullying the OPs daughter does to her, I'd not like my DD either. Love her, but certainly not like her. Why would she expect any different? She's 18 not a child. She must surely know calling someone an ugly bitch for not allowing you your own way is not a likable trait.
As for allowing her to babysit, the OP doesn't trust her or her BF to be suitable carers.
The younger children are people that the OP is responsible for, not a vehicle for the OP to improve relations with her older daughter by trusting her against her better judgement.
The DD isn't upset at not being trusted anyway. She's upset that her uncle staying means she can't have her BF to stay.

TheSilentPicnic · 22/10/2022 21:04

Totallyanonymousplease · 22/10/2022 17:54

Honestly I think describing her behaviour as ‘abusive’ is totally wrong here and you need to reframe this is your mind to move forwards.

yes it would be abusive if it were your dH saying these things to you - but it’s not, it’s your DD and there’s a totally different dynamic there.

she is legally an adult but she’s still your child and I’m guessing her behaviour is her saying she’s unhappy and struggling in life.

would it help to see her outbursts as cries for help?

No it is you who is “totally wrong”. Absolutely terrible “advice”.

WalkthisWayUK · 24/10/2022 11:24

You MUST have boundaries with her. Whether she is unhappy or happy, whether she’s allowed her BF to stay, whether you want her in the house or not - that’s not really the point. Boundaries are the point.

You have to have lines that are not crossed, verbally or otherwise. Spell that out and if she can’t live within those boundaries, I think you have to protect your other children.

Obviously something has gone wrong between you, and yes it would be very good to repair the relationship. If i were you I’d do everything to repair it and be proactive. BUT within those boundaries.

Totallyanonymousplease · 24/10/2022 13:37

Fair enough - the OP was looking at ways to change her DD’s behaviour - there’s a quite a bit of advice here to suggest that engaging with her and trying to understand her might the way forward. OP can ignore if she wants.

SammyScrounge · 05/12/2022 02:12

fdkc · 21/10/2022 15:26

My daughter is an emotional abuser to me. She constantly puts me down, calls me names and is just a downright nasty, unlikeable person. She has no friends but has a boyfriend who I dislike because he is 19, finished school over a year ago and still has no job, he just sits around all day.

She lives with us, we have 3 other kids who are younger and I'm just not sure how much longer I can put up with her constant put downs. It's like I'm in an abusive relationship with no hope of getting out. Her dad, my dh has tried to speak to her but she just screams and shouts at him then and they end up in a massive row. She says she doesn't care what we say anyway cause she's 18 and an adult.

Is there anything I can do to help her be a nicer, kinder person and stop abusing me? She will likely be living with us for another few years anyway.

She says she's 18 and an adult. That's good- she can go and be an adult elsewhere.
The reason I say that is that your younger child is afraid of her. She is disturbing his peace of mind - home should be a safe place for him and it isn't. Her behaviour must be having a dreadful impact on him - stomach churning when she kicks off, sleepless when she rants and so on. GIve her some start up money and send her packing.

Mamaneedsadrink · 05/12/2022 02:15

Kick her out. Your house, your rules (respect for your parents being so given!)

glitterfarts · 26/12/2022 13:02

The next time she says she's an adult, just agree and ask her to start behaving like one.
If she wants to scream and swear, then it's time for her to move out into shared house.

She needs to go and grow up a bit and she might realise that actually she had it pretty good at home. She might come back in the future.

I was like this a bit and didn't appreciate my parents until I moved out and it was the making of our relationship.

Whowhatwherewhenwhy1 · 26/12/2022 14:42

If it was an adult treating you like this it would be deemed unacceptable. She may be tour child but she is an adult. You say she is working so I would sit her down and very clearly tell her that her behaviour is unacceptable and will not be tolerated. She can accept that and stay or find a room in a shared house. If she stays stick to your guns and insist her rent is paid on time. Stop enabling this behaviour. If she cannot be respectful then take away her privileges. No more lifts to and from places, no boyfriend visiting tour home, bedroom door removed etc etc. i know i would bot tolerate it from my 18 year old but he has nit been spolit rotten.

GWBistired · 10/01/2023 07:10

Sanctimonious unthought out response I totally agree
move out to where?

CambsAlways · 01/04/2023 22:40

She obviously thinks she can rule the roost ! And is doing as she’s getting away with it! No way would we put up with it, time for tough love ask her to leave! Why on earth should the rest of the family have to put up with her mouth. You spoilt her so she feels entitled.

Coulditreallybe · 18/04/2023 09:50

How are things now @fdkc

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