To really not like my daughter (18)

[fdkc]

My daughter is an emotional abuser to me. She constantly puts me down, calls me names and is just a downright nasty, unlikeable person. She has no friends but has a boyfriend who I dislike because he is 19, finished school over a year ago and still has no job, he just sits around all day.

She lives with us, we have 3 other kids who are younger and I'm just not sure how much longer I can put up with her constant put downs. It's like I'm in an abusive relationship with no hope of getting out. Her dad, my dh has tried to speak to her but she just screams and shouts at him then and they end up in a massive row. She says she doesn't care what we say anyway cause she's 18 and an adult.

Is there anything I can do to help her be a nicer, kinder person and stop abusing me? She will likely be living with us for another few years anyway.

Teenagers can be horrible. It sounds like she might be a bit immature ?
I wouldn’t let the BF stay over night while you’ve got little ones in the house.
When my kids say ‘this is my house too’ I always reply that it’s your home, but it’s my house, you don’t own it .

I know it sounds difficult, but try and be more like a friend than a mum? As she is an adult, if you try and set more rules and guidelines this will cause more tension and arguments. It will get better with time! 18 is a very difficult time as she is wanting indepdance but still needs support.

she goes off on one saying we are trying to rob her and this is her house etc etc

It is her house. Its her home.

Or is she not allowed to feel like she has any place to call home?

Well she is abusive so why not say it. If I were talking about my husband speaking to me this way would you call it abusive then?

She has gotten all the love and warmth a child could get, adored from the day she was born so not sure what I could have done better there. I also have two 16 year old who do not act like her.

She's always struggled with making and keeping friends, I don't know why or if that's even relevant. I know we have gone wrong somewhere though but not sure where or what we can do about it now.

Yes it is her home but she is an adult who works full time, she wouldn't go to college so she needs to be paying something. I was told I am being responsible as a parent to charge her some rent even if it is only a tiny amount.

Exactly, some people are completely out of touch with the housing crisis. Even if you ‘don’t like’ your child presumably you don’t want her living in hostels etc while she’s waiting for a council flat and a young woman with no kids isn’t going to be at the front of the queue for rehousing.

She is very immature an no way is the boyfriend allowed stay over night.

It’s not her house. It is her own home, but only by the grace of her parents. She needs to respect her parents’ reasonable rules or she loses her right to live there.

If she doesn’t pay rent then I’d say the consequences are she need to pay for something (eg I’m not buying the snacks/cereal etc only you use anymore) or I’m not giving you a lift in my car as you don’t contribute.

if she is working full time £20 isn’t very much at all.

what sort of things is she saying to you op and how do the conversations or argument start?

Nope you are wrong, she was always corrected and pulled up on her behaviour. She responded well to discipline until around the age of 15 then it was like talking to a brick wall. We still continued to pull her up on her behaviour but the defiance got worse then the verbal abuse started when she was 18. Her childhood was fairly idyllic, a bit like my own, there is nothing I could say that went badly wrong that may have impacted her.

What do you do when she doesn't pay her rent though? Do you just let it go? What did you do when she started verbally abusing you? It sounds like you just took it and put all the fault of the relationship on her. I have an adult DS who had a spell like this. He has a chronic health condition he has had since he was young so I wrapped him in cotton wool, but that never meant accepting abusive language or not fulfilling obligations like rent money when he started working. You need to start being the parent here and stop acting like some poor martyr.

And there is plenty you could do to improve your relationship. It just doesn't sound like you can be bothered to.

An example of what she says. Myself and dh were going away for a night, we asked my brother to stay in the house with the kids while we were away. I know she is 18 but I wouldn't leave her in charge of 3 younger siblings while we were gone all night. She lost it, said I am a creep and a simpleton asking someone to babysit them when she's 18 and she can do it. Now I know she wanted to do it alone so her boyfriend could stay over but I wouldn't enjoy my night away if there wasn't a 'proper' adult in the house. My youngest is only 5 and my two 16 year olds wouldn't listen to a word she says. The abuse continued with 'your an ugly bitch anyway', 'I hate you and all your family', 'your so stuck up' etc etc, this tyrade went on for half an hour.

Eek that’s really hard op. Sounds like awful things to have said to you.

mots so hard when things have escalated to such an extreme point because then it’s difficult to break out of the boundary.

could you tell her that from now on if she’s abusive you’ll be recording it and contacting the police to come and remove her from the home?

I do think you also need to do all you can to prevent any escalation or arguments (eg leave off comments on her boyfriend).

I honestly hate the idea of young adults being made to leave home but abuse like that can’t continue.

Keep your beak our of her boyfriends business. Its not your problem if hes a lazy sod. It makes you overbearing and interferring.

Is she working fulltime? 18 is a tough age - suddenly your whole life is ahead of you and you aren't quite sure what to do next.

The time has come for you to finally set some decent ground rules for the entire household. Speaking to each other with courtesy and respect, keeping common areas clean, paying your fair share.

Sit down and talk to her, grown up to grown up. Tell her that if she wants to be treated as an adult, then she needs to act like one. Adults don't get numerous favours and treats from their parents. Stress how you will support her short and long term goals, and discuss what she thinks they are.

You let her stand and insult you for half a hour? Did you not film her? Tell her to get out? Inform her that she’s in your house by your goodwill, which can be removed if she chooses to behave like a dick?

Time for tough love. There’s no way I’d put up with that. Either she respects you or she leaves.

In a full time wage she can move out to a house share - not a chance would I be spoken to like that in my own home.
She's gotten loud and viscous in her remarks probably because you are too nice & she gotten way too big for her boots.
Time to rein her in - she needs to move out for your mental health and for her growth - in a few months / years she'll realise her home life was nice and appreciate you more atm she resents everything.

She was very spoiled and got everything she wanted Well there's your answer I'm afraid.

Tough love, OP.
Ground rules: Pay rent, contribute to chores, keep her abusive mouth shut.

Consequences: no Wi-Fi, no lifts, no treats bought and finally, if she can’t cooperate, she will be given notice to leave.

I’d even get a contract drawn up.

Your DD has learned you are scared of her and she can do what she likes without any real comeback.

All you are asking if her is to be a nice, normal, cooperative individual. If she won’t cooperate then she faces the consequences. Problem is, OP, you need to mean it.

Nothing to stop her going to live in a HMO, she can act the arsehole to her hearts content there.

I have no advice @fdkc but I've read your posts and just wanted to lend you my sympathy. It sounds awful to live like that. It's corrosive and the wellbeing of you and the rest of the family is being challenged regularly.

Now , if this was my daughter, I would tell her to leave.

It's not unreasonable to ask an adult to move out. There are plenty of adults who live independently at 18. Yes rent is expensive but she will have to rent at some point if she spends all her money on a boyfriend rather than saving.

OP is only asking her for £20 rent, that is nothing! She's taking the piss and that is without the verbal abuse. The OP and the younger children have a right to live in a home without shouting.

I would try some family therapy and to repair the relationship. Hindsight is 20/20 but is she lacking what I lacked? Which was a sense of self-worth that prevents you from being with a deadbeat? It's what I want to instil in my daughter because I learned firsthand what happens when you sell yourself short.

Also you need a connection that gives you mutual respect and I'd be looking to create or repair this. I'm very grateful I think of this stuff while my child is young but I think a lot of it is because I lived into my 30s before having a child so all my fuckedupness was behind me.

I was the same at 18. Moving out and being on my own really made me realise just how good my parents were to me. Years later I tried to apologise to Mum for all the nasty things I'd said and done but she said she couldn't remember them.
(I miss you every day Mum! ) 💔