To feel sad that I'll only be a MIL / other mother / other nan

[Thisismynamenow]

Following another post where OP is blatantly creating double standards between the frequency and allowance of MIL visiting over her DM, I feel very sad that this is the case for most people.

MN seems to demonise MILs and the 'Inlaw' family to a point where they should only be tolerated and visited as infrequently as possible and only out of duty not desire.

My MIL is hard work with multiple addition needs and narcissism as a result of past trauma so I don't have that usual MIL experience, but I do make lots of effort, go shopping with her, invite her for dinner regularly and spend alot of time with the DH side of the family.

My mom doesn't like her MIL either because my mom wasn't good enough for my dad apparently. I don't actually know anyone who likes their MIL :(

I have a baby son, and future children are likely to be sons (my DH family is mainly boys). I love my son massively but sad I'll likely always be a mother of sons. Sad because mother of sons always seem to be the other mother, the tolerated and hated one, some for good reason but others just because your not the DILs mom.

I hope to raise my son(s) to be independent, loving and committed, and would eventually love a DIL (or SIL whatever he wants) I could have a great relationship with rather than the negative one relayed on here. But reading all these posts makes me feel it's never going to happen and I'll just be the tolerated mother.

Is this just a MN thing hating MIL or is this reallife?

I have friends who are very close to their MIL and its equal in terms of GC.

My own MIL not the case she narcissistic, lies and constantly plays the woe is me card when frankly she's not a nice person. She blames me but reality is both of her children give her a wide berth (son and daughter) because of her behaviour it has nothing to do with me! But it's easier to blame me then realise that it's her own fault and own behaviour!

You made an effort to go shopping and spend time with your mil even though she was a narcissist? Did your partner make an effort to go shopping / spend time with your mother? If not, why not. Why do mil put this pressure on dil just because they are women? It's a double standard. Your Dil is not your child so when your son grows up focus on spending time with him instead of putting pressure on your Dil. I say this as someone who is just about to have a son. It's a different relationship and you have to come to terms with that or you will end up being overbearing and she will find you creepy to be around.

Not forgetting how MIL just ignored me when I used to stress a bit about her giving the kids tea in a bottle when they were 6m 🤣 but my mum stuck to my 'rules'

I relaxed about that pretty quickly when I realised no one died 🙄 but guess where they used to have more fun when they were little? Wasn't at boring nanas house where they had to play with educational shit thats for sure 🤣

I’m a mother with one son. We have a great relationship and I love my DIL. She’s one of the best humans I have ever met.

I got on well with my exDMIL - mad as a box of frogs, but very kind. When she was dying, after I got remarried, I went to visit her and she was lovely to me.

My current MIL is wonderful. She’s the kind of person I’d be friends with if I wasn’t now related to her.

So I’d say YABU. Don’t despair.

I’m not particularly close to MIL, but neither is my husband. And therefore neither are my kids. I guess if she made more of an effort with us, she would be in our lives a lot more. It’s definitely not us btw. For example when DD was born my mum offered to look after her one day a week. My MIL offered to do the same, she can be unreliable so I suggested they took it in turns to do the day per week. MIL did it about twice. She wants to see us at Christmas, we went to her last year, so we suggested we come down for a panto around Christmas. She just needs to name the date. So far she hasn’t.
I guess a relationship is a two way thing.

You're making an awful lot of assumptions!

The obvious being that her son might not be heterosexual, or want children 🤷‍♀️

OP your relationship with your children as adults will entirely depend upon your parenting, not their partners.

I have to agree having two daughters and one son I am definitely the main Grandma to my dd's children and the other grandma to my sons and the saying a son is a son until he takes a wife but a daughter's a daughter all her life is definitely relatable and I'm glad I have my daughters because I would feel sad if I only had a son, I'm close to my son but there's definitely something very special about a mum and daughter relationship.

My husband loved my parents , his parents went NC with me when our eldest was about 4/5 so that set the dynamic for our family . My kids ( now adults ) both helped care for and sat at the bedside of my mum when she was dying - for context my son hasn’t seen my MIL for about 5 yrs and my daughter hasn’t seen her for since Covid started . This lack of relationship is purely down to their treatment of me . I actually now do speak to my MIL and take her out occasionally - not because I particularly like her but because it helps out ny lovely husband ( FIL died about 10 yrs ago) .

We moved to be near dh family. Mil and fil always have my kids. Help out etc. My parents live in another country

I love my MIL. I’m much closer to her than to my own mum. She’s a brilliant grandma and a good friend - I genuinely think even if DH and I split up I’d still see his parents. SIL feels exactly the same. You can choose the sort of relationship you have with your childrens’ partners.

Far too soon to worry. You may not have another son, your son may marry a man in which case traditional mil/dil dynamic would change anyway, your son may marry a woman who is not close to her mum or whose mum is not alive. If you have a good relationship with your son you are likely to have a good relationship with your grandchildren. Agree with pp who say that there are lots of threads about problem mils because there is no need to start a thread about a nice one! Also I think it helps to vent about mil because you sometimes can't be as blunt with them as you can your own family so maybe people just getting things off their chests in a forum rather than real life...but doesn't mean the mil is "worse" than their own dm.

I think the problem is sometimes MILs expect the same relationship with their DIL that she has with her own mother particularly and this will never be the case no matter how well you get on. This leads some MILs to try and ‘push’ their way in and it just ends in disaster and conflict.

I think the important thing is to accept that you can have a good relationship with your DIL but if she’s close to her mother you’ll never replicate that with her - it’s not possible.

Build a good relationship with your son and make sure he isn’t a lazy bastard who leaves everything to his partner to sort out because you’ll lose out eventually.

Also build a good relationship with your DIL before any possible children arrive on the scene.

When your DIL has a child do not try and muscle in and turn obsessively baby crazy, so many people do (this isn’t a MIL thing, some family members just go a bit temporarily insane when a family member has a baby).

I am not saying there aren’t some DILs who make it hard, of course there are. However, as a MIL you need to know your son will always pick his wife over you so you do need to cultivate that mutually respectful relationship. That is just the way it is.

If your DS is an active and involved parent and you are close to him, then of course you will be an involved grandparent.

If you're expecting your DIL to facilitate your relationship with your son and grandchildren (as opposed to just being friendly and welcoming when you see her), then YABU.

I also have to ask I have a great relationship with my own MIL. We aren’t extremely close but we get on well, I don’t take the piss asking for favours, she has never ever tried to step on my toes as a mother and therefore I trust her with my children implicitly. The way she is has left a good footprint for me to follow if and when my own son marries and has children.

My mil is lovely but she’s not my mum. I see my mum more and am closer to her. BUT my dh sees his mum more and is close to her and because we share childcare my ds sees all his gps regularly and is actually closer to my mil.
If you want to be close to your potential future gcs then you need to bring up your sons to take an equal role in arranging and maintaining extended family relationships and in childcare in his own home.

Not another "I'm sad I will be a mil to women because I have just a son" threads!
I love my Mil she actually is more of a hands on gran then my own mum . I know lots of people people good relationships with their mil and lots that don't. Don't base the mil bashing threads on real life. women often make these threads because there husband's don't talk to the mil when boundaries are over stepped or that they find it not as comfortable to iron out problems with their mil themselves like you can with your own mum, so problems fester and they come here for advice.

I asked my mil how her son's relationships differs in marriage and she said it's often easier with her son's marriages than her daughter's in her case as her daughter is more needed (just her personality) She told me she does her best to take an interest, be kind, give them space but let them know you are a support, understand at the beginning with a new baby she might want her own mum don't take it personal. Be patient and loving it takes more time like any relationship at time to build.

There are obviously crazy people and unreasonable people but anyone half decent you shouldn't worry.

Daughter is more needy it should say (due to health problems)

I have always got on really well with my ex-MIL. She's lovely and even though my ex-husband is a piece of work, I still have a great relationship with her. As my own mum lives abroad, my ex-MIL did all the childcare for my daughter when she was a baby. She's a great woman I have the utmost respect for and a real pleasure to be around.

Don't lose hope! My future dil loves me to bits and I love her too. She has a good relationship with her parents and wider family so it isn't through lack of that either! I'm not blind to my son's "failings" which may help..

The spite and antipathy towards MiLs on here doesn't reflect my experience in RL. Most women I know have feelings for their MiL that range from amused, slightly irritated tolerance, to genuine love.
That said, unless your DiL has a poor relationship with her mother or she lives further away, or your sons become their childrens primary carers, I think its almost inevitable that as a paternal grandmother you will be the 'junior' grandma; and when the children are young your relationship with them may be largely dependent on keeping your DiL on side.
As they get older though, with more autonomy, this can change and they can build strong relationships in their own right. For this reason it's important not to allow any hurt to make you back too far off and further sideline yourself.
I also agree with PP that your relationship with your sons is key as they are as capable of facilitating their children's relationships with you as their mothers are.

I have a brilliant MIL. I have a DH who is close to her mum. I have two sons so I do share your concerns but actually, I wouldn't blame my DILs if I felt like the 'other nan'. I'd be looking firmly at my sons if I felt slighted at all, but I don't expect to be in competition with the other nan tbh lol.

My mum has 3 kids but 2 of us have DC. She is kinda my children's 'other nan' mostly because of where we are located, but my DC do see her and stay with her. My DB also has two kids and DM is their main nan because they live closer to each other, and my SIL isn't too fond of her own mother (SIL's mother doesn't really want to make time to be with her grandkids.. SIL even had my mum present at the birth of her kids).

You never know how things will be until they are so.

My MIL understands exactly what I have to put up with. She's the only one who truly knows her son is a NOB most of the time!!

Well maybe the DIL sees her own mum more often as she makes effort to arrange contact?

Also, when a baby is involved the mother of the DIL is not just the baby's grandma, it's someone very close and trusted to the new mom, therefore it's normal she would like to have her around more than her MIL where the dynamic is totally different.

I love my MIL she loves my DD and she's more reliable than my own DM.

You may yet have a daughter….
I have two sons both married with a child and another on the way. I adore my daughters in law and my grandchildren, we all have a fabulous relationship. I think you should concentrate on enjoying every stage of your children’s lives, it all goes so soon. Be a good mummy and love them and then trust them to make good choices about their life partners.