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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Secretive grandparents! Where are they taking ds?

301 replies

StrangeEffect · 20/10/2022 22:43

My inlaws like to take out our 3 year old son every so often which is lovely. He enjoys it and so do they. However, AIBU to think that my inlaws could just let us know where they're going with him? Is it OK that I just want to know whereabouts my son is?

He's only 3, he has special needs and unfortunately suffers from a weak immune system and gets recurrent tonsillitis, etc. So for those reasons, I am a protective mummy but that doesn't mean that I wouldn't let him go out with his grandparents. I'm not trying to control them and I do trust them but I still want to know where he is.

The problem is, my inlaws have been quite secretive when taking ds out and I just don't get why. So now I ask them but I don't think they like it. They don't do things spontaneously with him, that's just not them, so everything is planned beforehand.

I know posters will likely say I'm controlling but all I'm asking is a quick text with ' we're at the park then going to get somethjng to eat at...'
Or inlaws just letting us know when they pick him up.

Is this strange of me or can other parents feel this way?

OP posts:
LavenderBlue95 · 22/10/2022 17:39

Not a chance would anybody be taking my child if they wouldn’t tell me where they planned on going. Not only is it very weird but unsafe. What if something was to happen and you had no idea where they were?

Tillow4ever · 22/10/2022 17:54

We used to have this with my in-laws. They used to look after our eldest from 6 months old one day a week. We had told them one time we dropped him off that we were intending to take him to a local garden centre that weekend to see Santa for the first time (his first Christmas). When we picked him up we found out they took him there that day without telling us. That particularly pissed me off.

The amount of times we would pick him up to find out they’d taken him to all sorts of places, yet when we’d ask in the morning if they had any plans they’d say no. The worst thing is my MIL’s driving was awful, and they’d sometimes go some real distances with him. My gripe was if anything happened, we’d have no idea where they were.

It wasn’t the only issue we had with them which probably made the whole situation worse to be fair, but OP YANBU to want to know where your child is going to be.

FindingMyself1999 · 22/10/2022 18:01

I’m kind of in two minds. I think it’s good to know but then it’s your in-laws. So my MIL cared for my eldest one day a week. I’d drop her off but then that’s it I wouldn’t ask what they’re doing for the day. Sometimes DD would come back tired cos they’ve been out all day and she’s only had a little nap. Often it was garden centres, NT properties and to be fair they kept her safe. Also she started eating a much wider variety of food being with them.

LeMoo · 22/10/2022 18:02

Aquamarine1029 · 20/10/2022 22:56

They won't tell you when you ask directly? Is this really true? Surely not.

Anyone who refused to tell me where they are taking my child wouldn't be spending any time alone with them. That includes grandparents. Totally unacceptable.

Yes, this. Put your foot down.

beeflin · 22/10/2022 18:05

I wouldn't let them take him to an unknown destination if he was 16 and able-bodied. They have no right and you should insist.

LovelyIssues · 22/10/2022 18:06

What do they actually say when you ask "where are you off to so I know what to pack/what clothes to put him in"..?

Juststopamoment · 22/10/2022 18:08

I really think some grandparents are hugely entitled and we need to take our power back. Air tag is a brilliant idea. Wish I’d thought of that when I had the same problem. Luckily mine are old enough to text me now. I would actually say they are the ones being controlling by not telling you even when directly asked. It’s not their child.

Keeper11 · 22/10/2022 18:09

I am a grandparent, hopefully trusted. From time to time I take my granddaughter out for the day and don’t say where we are going. It’s a sort of game. My son and his wife have to guess the venue from my granddaughters rather obscure description. If I thought for one moment they were uneasy about this I would never do it. I do send photo texts at lunch, at a playground etc to demonstrate she is OK. If her parents asked where we were going I would always say.

Happyunhappy · 22/10/2022 18:11

Yanbu esp as he has health needs to be considered. I'd insist they tell you on a need to know basis. Otherwise they don't take him out unsupervised and you will have to accompany them. You're not asking a lot.

Knittingnanny2 · 22/10/2022 18:12

This nanny would find this odd and potentially causing a problem. I always ask if they are happy with us taking them to x y or z and would text them if there was a change of plan.

crowsfeet57 · 22/10/2022 18:13

I wouldn't dream of taking my 3 year old grandson out without checking with his parents that they were happy with the venue.

Squirrelvillage · 22/10/2022 18:16

That would really put me on edge and I wouldn't let him go any more.

Wiluli · 22/10/2022 18:20

Not controlling at all. The parents of a 3 year old should know when they are at all times . Sorry if this was my child they would I either tell me their plans or he wouldn’t be going . No 2 ways about this !

BexW40 · 22/10/2022 18:25

I think you’re well within your rights to ask. But if you think they’re getting annoyed try an air tag.

misslooloo · 22/10/2022 18:25

Air tags? Really?

DoYouWantDecking · 22/10/2022 18:26

Poster no1 came up with the solution. Plant an airtag in your child's coat. Then you know exactly where he's been.
I normally wouldn't agree with this kind of thing but their obstinate secrecy for no reason would drive me to it.

Cactusmad · 22/10/2022 18:31

We have been out today with granddaughter aged 3 . It’s a respect thing to show you want them to know you where you are going. We sent lots of pictures, it’s normal to put them at ease. We wouldn’t put her parents through this, I wouldn’t have liked it as a parent.

U1sce · 22/10/2022 18:37

My in laws used to do this, and if we asked theyd ask if we didnt trust them (i didnt) and be moody about it all

Its bloody weird as far as Im concerned

Hmm1234 · 22/10/2022 18:43

They could be taking him for some sort of therapy they think will help. Leave them to it aslong as your son hasn’t said anything suspicious about their ‘outings’

Carblover · 22/10/2022 18:43

Grandma of a 2.5 yr old here who looks after her 2 days a week, i always tell her parents where we are going '/doing and like to send pics of her having a good time , it seems very natural to me as they love seeing how her day is going .. this is also what happens in her nursery little vignettes are sent so don't see why its a big deal not to

Robishar · 22/10/2022 18:50

StrangeEffect · 21/10/2022 06:55

If for example, they were going to go to a big, busy zoo in half term and I knew about it beforehand. I would probably say, just don't let ds get too overtired because this is a chronic problem he has with his immunity and getting tonsillitis.
Also with his SEN, he needs an adult to hold his hand pretty much all the time at a place like a busy zoo. He has little concept of danger and will run off.

Inlaws do know this but I don't think they want me saying it and I feel I have to say it for the wellbeing of my child. I think their attitude (although not said aloud), is, don't tell us, we already know and we'll decide what we do.

I kind of think... if they do know how to look after him and keep him safe, then... they're right, they don't constantly need telling. Presumably they're invested in keeping him as safe and well as you are.

Also, you've said they're secretive but then said they just don't give you detail or change plans. That doesn't sound secretive, that sounds normal. My DD 4, has just come back from 2 nights in M/FIL campervan. They went to Oban which is about 2 hours from us and I didnt know their plans at all. I trust them, I presumed the beach and some lunches out, but I wouldn't need more detail than that. She had fun and i trust she was safe.

If you don't think they're capable of making good decisions or know how to properly care for you son, you should perhaps stop the days out until you feel more comfortable.

SunshineLoving · 22/10/2022 18:53

I think if they have something booked/planned then they should mention it to you what they're doing. In a kind of excited way, I would have thought they would want to tell you.

Maybe they think you put a downer on everything they plan. You don't like the idea of the tapas restaurant or the trip they planned. I can understand why you had reservations but I would personally hold back a bit. If you think they're capable of looking after your son with his extra needs then I wouldn't question where they choose to take him.

Also, I wouldn't expect them to text you saying 'we're going here now, we're at the park now' etc. Some things are just spontaneous. That is controlling.

Dotcomma · 22/10/2022 18:55

Can just imagine when he's a bit older & gparents saying to him "don't tell mummy where you've been". It should start from a very young age that mummy or daddy should always know where you are, imagine him refusing to tell you where he's been. It's common sense and common courtesy.

Willbe2under2 · 22/10/2022 18:56

Keeper11 · 22/10/2022 18:09

I am a grandparent, hopefully trusted. From time to time I take my granddaughter out for the day and don’t say where we are going. It’s a sort of game. My son and his wife have to guess the venue from my granddaughters rather obscure description. If I thought for one moment they were uneasy about this I would never do it. I do send photo texts at lunch, at a playground etc to demonstrate she is OK. If her parents asked where we were going I would always say.

That's cute! 😆

I think I'm an outlier here. My mum looks after dd one day a week, and my in laws another day. My mum usually mentions her plans in passing when I speak to her, and sends the occasional photo,but not always. My in laws I find out where they've been when I get home from work. All I need to know is that she's happy and safe - which she is when she's with her grandparents.

DeeCeeCherry · 22/10/2022 18:57

Yes its weird. I wouldnt want them taking him out. I think its a form of control on their part, some Grandparents wont understand theyve done their childraising & its not their child so, stop the silly one upmanship. Be a Grandparent, youre not the parent. I'd tell them Im not into the secrecy so thanks but no thanks.

A friend of mine (& she isnt only one I've known to go through this) is struggling as Mum will only look after granddaughter at her house. & they dont want the parents there, only the child. Won't babysit Granddaughter at child's own home.

My own Mum was similar. Its not as if I asked for an itinerary, just a casual 'so what did you all get up to today did you have a nice time?' & even that was too much for her. So guarded. I decided to avoid her taking them anywhere