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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Secretive grandparents! Where are they taking ds?

301 replies

StrangeEffect · 20/10/2022 22:43

My inlaws like to take out our 3 year old son every so often which is lovely. He enjoys it and so do they. However, AIBU to think that my inlaws could just let us know where they're going with him? Is it OK that I just want to know whereabouts my son is?

He's only 3, he has special needs and unfortunately suffers from a weak immune system and gets recurrent tonsillitis, etc. So for those reasons, I am a protective mummy but that doesn't mean that I wouldn't let him go out with his grandparents. I'm not trying to control them and I do trust them but I still want to know where he is.

The problem is, my inlaws have been quite secretive when taking ds out and I just don't get why. So now I ask them but I don't think they like it. They don't do things spontaneously with him, that's just not them, so everything is planned beforehand.

I know posters will likely say I'm controlling but all I'm asking is a quick text with ' we're at the park then going to get somethjng to eat at...'
Or inlaws just letting us know when they pick him up.

Is this strange of me or can other parents feel this way?

OP posts:
starfishmummy · 21/10/2022 12:28

girlmom21 · 21/10/2022 10:34

@starfishmummy op said she trusts her in laws though so presumably they're a bit more sensible than yours

I thought mine were trustworthy until that happened. He was on a booster seat by then - easy enough to use and they had been offered it but said they were staying in.

Nanny0gg · 21/10/2022 12:48

StrangeEffect · 20/10/2022 22:43

My inlaws like to take out our 3 year old son every so often which is lovely. He enjoys it and so do they. However, AIBU to think that my inlaws could just let us know where they're going with him? Is it OK that I just want to know whereabouts my son is?

He's only 3, he has special needs and unfortunately suffers from a weak immune system and gets recurrent tonsillitis, etc. So for those reasons, I am a protective mummy but that doesn't mean that I wouldn't let him go out with his grandparents. I'm not trying to control them and I do trust them but I still want to know where he is.

The problem is, my inlaws have been quite secretive when taking ds out and I just don't get why. So now I ask them but I don't think they like it. They don't do things spontaneously with him, that's just not them, so everything is planned beforehand.

I know posters will likely say I'm controlling but all I'm asking is a quick text with ' we're at the park then going to get somethjng to eat at...'
Or inlaws just letting us know when they pick him up.

Is this strange of me or can other parents feel this way?

Absolutely you should know, he's your 3 year-old and it's your responsibility to know whereabouts he is.

They're either being ridiculous or on a power trip. What does DH think?

kateandme · 21/10/2022 13:24

Maybe you could put this on you to start op.
So " oh just to say we've made a pigs ear lately of not knowing how much he can handle so are trying to reign this and this in." And"gosh just to say can we make sure we hand hold.i stupidly forgot the other day and he's got worse at his danger response...i was so scared and angry with myself for not thinking it through" " your so good with him,ha better than us! it just as he growing I'm go don't I'm having to check more"

ShippingForecastMeditator · 21/10/2022 13:40

They’re not being secretive at all.
They are telling OP their intentional plans but happen to stop off at a cafe on the way home or go somewhere else but they always tell OP afterwards - that’s not being secretive.

Thanks @CarefreeMe. I misunderstood. If this is the case there is literally no problem. Either trust your decision to let these people look after your DS OP or find an alternative. No drama needed really.

MissMissICantDoThis · 21/10/2022 14:01

My inlaws used to do the exact same thing. It was confusing as they would come and collect DD and I would ask where they were going and they would say that they didn't know. Like you, I knew this wasn't the case as they are not spontaneous. I would later find out that they had packed a picnic for a day at the beach/Park etc. I trusted them to look after her and just couldn't understand the need to hide it.

That was 20 years ago now and we have been no contact for the last 5 years. It turned out that they were never really truthful about anything and ended up letting us down on several occasions.

dontbringthatbirdinhere · 21/10/2022 14:10

Another vote for air tagging the child

girlmom21 · 21/10/2022 14:26

dontbringthatbirdinhere · 21/10/2022 14:10

Another vote for air tagging the child

That won't tell her if he's not holding his nans hand at the zoo.

InTrussWeTruss · 21/10/2022 14:32

Oh wow absolutely I'd want to know where they are going. How can they keep that from you? You aren't being controlling at all and they shouldn't keep it a secret.

StopStartStop · 21/10/2022 14:34

Clear as day.
Do not hand your child over to these people ever again. Or at least, until you've had a good break and time to retrain them.
They take your child nowhere that you don't know about and agree to in advance. If you can't trust them, you can't leave your child with them.

PinkPencilCase · 21/10/2022 17:04

You don't need to know where someone is to be able to collect them in an emergency. When you found out that you were needed it only takes a few extra seconds to say 'we're at the zoo' or whatever.

I trust my parents and in laws and if either of them have my son for the day they're free to take him wherever they see fit without telling me, because I know they'll make sensible decisions. It's not really a worry I have because it's natural for us to have a little chat about plans for the day and I know if they were planning something out of the ordinary or if they weren't sure it would go down well (eg would he like to see this film?) they would mention it. Having said that, OP I can tell that you don't have this kind of relationship so I can see why you would prefer more communication, but maybe it's a case of working more generally on the trust? Can you spend more time all together, so you and/or your husband go out with them and your son?

Coffeetree · 21/10/2022 17:23

You don't have to know where someone is to collect them? Lol

No, I get what you're saying, but obviously if in-laws ring with emergency, and OP says, "Okay, I'm heading to the park" and they're like, "No we're actually a wildlife safari, here's the post code.." that just adds layers of stupidity that no one needs.

SleepingStandingUp · 21/10/2022 17:27

You don't sound like you trust them. Of course a 3 to needs his hand holding around z busy zoo. I have a medically vulnerable child too so I get your worry, but I get why they don't want to be repeatedly told how to not get him lost or run over.

What does your DP think?

If you don't trust them, stop using them for childcare

Saltywalruss · 21/10/2022 20:56

PinkPencilCase · Today 17:04

You don't need to know where someone is to be able to collect them in an emergency. When you found out that you were needed it only takes a few extra seconds to say 'we're at the zoo' or whatever.
Yes, if you have a mobile, it's charged, you can hear it and you are somewhere with good signal!

ClairyFlare · 21/10/2022 21:00

StrangeEffect · 21/10/2022 06:55

If for example, they were going to go to a big, busy zoo in half term and I knew about it beforehand. I would probably say, just don't let ds get too overtired because this is a chronic problem he has with his immunity and getting tonsillitis.
Also with his SEN, he needs an adult to hold his hand pretty much all the time at a place like a busy zoo. He has little concept of danger and will run off.

Inlaws do know this but I don't think they want me saying it and I feel I have to say it for the wellbeing of my child. I think their attitude (although not said aloud), is, don't tell us, we already know and we'll decide what we do.

So they have every reason not to tell you then

as you’ll give them a lecture on things they already know.

I find it odd you’re so ott about this, I’ve never asked where my parents or in laws are taking ours and most of the time it just doesn’t even come up in conversation either.

mavismorpoth · 21/10/2022 21:31

What kind of psychotic weirdo even wants to take someone's child without the parents knowing where the child is? I would feel so weird about that. I send updates to parents every time I have someone else's child and if anything happened they'd need to know where we were.

Suspicious if you ask me. I'd go nuts not knowing where my child was too.

thelobsterquadrille · 21/10/2022 21:42

Saltywalruss · 21/10/2022 20:56

PinkPencilCase · Today 17:04

You don't need to know where someone is to be able to collect them in an emergency. When you found out that you were needed it only takes a few extra seconds to say 'we're at the zoo' or whatever.
Yes, if you have a mobile, it's charged, you can hear it and you are somewhere with good signal!

But if you didn't have those things, they wouldn't be able to contact you to tell you there's an emergency in the first place?

Lonlov · 22/10/2022 00:10

@ClairyFlare there is no reason for anyone to not tell the mother of a child where they are going.

By all means as Grandparents, have the discussion if they feel she's being too over bearing, or 'lecturing them' (if she's even doing that) and talk it through. But just because they don't or might not like what the OP says, does not then translate in to - oh well it's OK to lie or be secretive because we don't like the mothers approach or agree with it, does it?

You might not understand this scenario because it wouldn't bother you, but pick something that would bother you - medicine, diet, bedtime - choose your hang up - and then see how you'd feel if your in-laws/parents decided to be secretive/withhold info about it because they didn't like it.

Saltywalruss · 22/10/2022 08:57

thelobsterquadrille · 21/10/2022 21:42

But if you didn't have those things, they wouldn't be able to contact you to tell you there's an emergency in the first place?

Show quote history

I thought she meant an emergency her end

sheepdogdelight · 22/10/2022 10:34

Saltywalruss · 22/10/2022 08:57

I thought she meant an emergency her end

Show quote history

If the place they'd gone was somewhere other than someone's house or a very small park, you couldn't go and pick the child up without getting in contact anyway. You'd spend all your time hunting round to find them and still potentially not do so!

Even the "must know where they are at all times brigade" have not suggested that the GPs should provide position updates every few minutes if they have gone somewhere big like a zoo or a country park.

Blueeyedgirl21 · 22/10/2022 12:46

‘Must know where they are at all times brigade’

how hyperbolic

as if anyone is unreasonable to want a general outline of what their SEN toddler will be doing for the day

Puppers · 22/10/2022 12:48

the "must know where they are at all times brigade"

🙄Like it’s not entirely normal and acceptable to want to know where your 3 year old is at any given time.

Bobbins36 · 22/10/2022 17:32

StrangeEffect · 20/10/2022 22:50

Last time they had him they took him to a tapas restaurant that definitely wouldn't have been a 3 year old type of place. They didn't tell us they were doing this until afterwards.

There have been various occasions where they haven't said what they're doing and I just don't like it.

@StrangeEffect 3 year olds can’t have tapas?? 😂😂😂

Bobbins36 · 22/10/2022 17:34

B1pbop · 20/10/2022 23:22

Don’t you ask them on the day? ‘What have you got planned today?’

I wouldn’t expect full details or a running commentary.

btw what’s wrong with taking anyone of any age to a restaurant? You sound overly worried. It’s okay for kids not to have the world revolve around them all the time.

This.

Yespresh · 22/10/2022 17:37

Put an Airtag in his bag

love4189 · 22/10/2022 17:38

Tapas is a brilliant place to take a 3 year old. A little bit of this, a little bit of that....what's not to like, especially if they're a bit fussy, they can try everything?