Secretive grandparents! Where are they taking ds?

[StrangeEffect]

My inlaws like to take out our 3 year old son every so often which is lovely. He enjoys it and so do they. However, AIBU to think that my inlaws could just let us know where they're going with him? Is it OK that I just want to know whereabouts my son is?

He's only 3, he has special needs and unfortunately suffers from a weak immune system and gets recurrent tonsillitis, etc. So for those reasons, I am a protective mummy but that doesn't mean that I wouldn't let him go out with his grandparents. I'm not trying to control them and I do trust them but I still want to know where he is.

The problem is, my inlaws have been quite secretive when taking ds out and I just don't get why. So now I ask them but I don't think they like it. They don't do things spontaneously with him, that's just not them, so everything is planned beforehand.

I know posters will likely say I'm controlling but all I'm asking is a quick text with ' we're at the park then going to get somethjng to eat at...'
Or inlaws just letting us know when they pick him up.

Is this strange of me or can other parents feel this way?

Absolutely no one would be having my child if they wouldn't tell me where they're going and what their general plan is. The secrecy is the issue, your child should never see that secrets between adults (especially not telling parents) is ok.

As organised as they might be, I imagine they might have plan A and plan B of outings depending on how they feel, how your son feels when they collect him or how busy their destination looks. Might not want to get your sons hopes up. My daughter us autistic and we have to be careful with what we tell her incase it falls through/we change our minds. I'm over protective also, but completely trust them, they've had babies themselves after all.

Surely they could say ‘the park’ or ‘the zoo’ and then take them somewhere completely different that you don’t know about anyway 🤔

I’m not saying I agree with them not telling you - just that if they can’t be trusted now, who says they will future?

That's weird. It's your child and you should know where he is. They should also check to see if you're happy with your child going there.
I would stand your ground and ask they tell you beforehand, it's your child - stand up for them. All sorts of weird strange stuff could happen. They need to know they can't be secretive. If they think it's OK, they'll do it again.

My parents would take care of my elder son and later both sons. Sometimes they would take them up to the local park to play there or walk to the library. I knew that that might happen. But, if they wanted to take them elsewhere then they would ask. Even though both my husband and I trusted my parents to take as good care of my children as we would, I felt it was important for me to know where they were. This is not because we were controlling but we felt better knowing. I would have been concerned if my parents refused to tell me, in advance, where they were going especially with a child with extra or special needs. If they aren't open with you then either you need to go with them or insist that they stay at home with him.

If he's happy with them, has a good time, what's the issue? Enjoy your free time.

I’ve had this but with my own parents. Used to cause such arguments and atmosphere if I wanted to know where they were going with the kids. It used to stress me out so much. I used to be scared to ask as it would all blow up. Totally sympathise. Now they don’t have them as I don’t work and it is SO much better. If you have another option I’d use that!

I'm a bit on the fence with this. My in-laws would quite often take my kids out for the day when they were young. Sometimes they would know what they had planned, and would tell me. Sometimes they didn't so would play it by ear. Either way was fine with me, I trusted them to look after my kids. I didn't need to know where they were at all times, or if plans had changed, which they sometimes did. But they would always tell me at the end of the day what they had done and where they had been.

OP, do you feel that your in-laws deliberately lie to you about their plans? If so, that's not on.

But this comment about the tapas restaurant But I suppose it shows that they can make odd decisions about where they go. That, plus the secrecy, just stresses me out a bit makes me wonder if you are a bit over controlling about what they do and where they go. It's not an odd decision at all, quite a sensible one in fact. And they did tell you about it, just afterwards, which is normal in my opinion, if it wasn't preplanned.

Why not just have a chat to them saying you need to know what their plans are, for your own reassurance? And then try to show you trust them by not commenting on their choices, or telling them things about your DS that they already know.

two things really. Where is your partner in all this? and your child, your rules.

I would find it strange too. So I do not think yabu. I'd just ask them to tell you what there plans are so you can get your ds suitably dressed or prepared. I'd say it lighthearted but ask why the need for secrecy. See what they come back to you with.

What is actually the concern for you, as I am finding your posts a little bit vague tbh. Are they bringing him back overtired and causing relapses? Are they actually lying/ concealing about where they’ve been after the trip? Have there actually been any problems due to them taking him out? Does he have food allergies, is that why you were concerned about the tapas?
If they are causing issues for your child’s health, safety and well-being then I can totally see your concern, but equally if nothing they are doing is actually wrong or causing problems then maybe you need to cut them some slack. Have you discussed this with your partner, what are his views?
You don’t seem to have a good relationship with them from what you have said, maybe showing them a little trust and appreciation would encourage them to be a bit more open with you, it does sound like they are a little defensive, which isn’t right and they should totally respect your wishes as a parent but unless something changes the situation will continue. I don’t recommend tagging your child, if they find out that will probably ruin your relationship with them for ever more.

I should also mention that my inlaws used to have my eldest for 2 afternoon's 2 days a week. If they were going anywhere other than home they would tell me beforehand They didn't need permission of course but as the kids mum it was nice to know.

As grandparents we always tell the parents where we are taking the grandkids we don't tell the kids as we like to surprise them but the mum's and dad's always know don't see a problem with asking the grandparents where they are taking them

That's just weird OP. I have 3 grands and when we have them we let them know where we are going, what we hope be doing etc and I often send photos during the day too.
If the GPS aren't going to be open with their location, could you get DS a tracker type watch? Track where they go and see if it's of concern? Xx

YABU

your posts show why they might not want to tell you, as it seems you would just try and teach them how to suck eggs.

you either trust them or not, I’d never even think to ask my parents or MIL where they planned on taking DD. If they told me great, but I’d never ask as it really doesn’t matter. As I trust them

I have my grandson a couple of days a week. I usually follow the same routine.. soft play/ toddler group etc and in the afternoon nap then shopping or play at home. Even so I always check if it's ok, if there is anything my DD would like him to eat or not eat, and I send pics while she's at work so that when she finishes she can see what he's been up to. When she comes home I give her a run down of the day, his naps, nappies, anything she might want to know. He's precious to me, but he is HER child (and also struggles at times with illness) so I cannot imagine refusing to tell her what we are doing!

If we have a change of plans for any reason I let her know!

We’d certainly tell our DD about what we had planned if asked but also we have been parents to a toddler in the past too so are trusted to take our DGS places without needing the third degree and she generally appreciates doing different stuff helps grows his tastebuds, experience etc! We did a bit early on experience our DD being a bit jealous if we say took DGS to the zoo or something special as a treat without her and if we gave her a lot of advance notice we found she would suddenly take him to the zoo despite knowing we had booked it. She soon gave up doing that and realised it isn’t a competition! We didn’t bother saying anything and certainly didn’t hide things but is it perhaps something like this?

I guess it decides on the context - if they give you a general idea of what you are doing and then you are texting every 20 minutes that would get very annoying. Maybe you just sound a little controlling.

Sometimes I don't want to know where they're going so I don't have to pretend that I know whether the DC's will enjoy it or not! When they're toddler/pre-school age they'll love it one day and hate it the next

Definitely not unreasonable. I have a great relationship with my mum and she would always tell me what she was doing with my kids. Tbh, she’s normally excited to share! She doesn’t always tell me in advance as it can be spontaneous but then I get a tonne of photos- I would never not know what they are up to, which increases trust.
Their behaviours sounds very bizarre. I wouldn’t like it at all!

My parents tired this but they are controlling arseholes and a narrative was put in place to make me seem unreasonable

an air tag only is in real time

a text before - going to the cinema

you are his mother say no

I see my 3 year old Grandson almost every day and provide 90% of his childcare - I still would NEVER take him anywhere without telling his Mum (my DD) and Dad where we were going.

He is your son. No one else knows what is best for him. Your in laws don’t have to deal with the tonsillitis bouts etc. They sound very controlling to me.

Well that's the mystery solved then. They don't tell you because they think you get stressed and start telling them things they already know if you know there's a 'big day out' on the cards. They tell you it's just the park to avoid the instructions.
I'm guessing they think they're either trusted with DS or they're not, and don't need to have things repeated.
However, while that might be the reason, its no excuse. They are absolutely in the wrong here. He is your child and you're fully entitled to know exactly where he is. I pretty much shared care of my grandchild but would never have dreamt of withholding information from their mum, or worse still, misleading her. It's the fastest way to ruin trust.
I think your H needs to have firm words here and tell them you absolutely need to be told their plans.