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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Secretive grandparents! Where are they taking ds?

301 replies

StrangeEffect · 20/10/2022 22:43

My inlaws like to take out our 3 year old son every so often which is lovely. He enjoys it and so do they. However, AIBU to think that my inlaws could just let us know where they're going with him? Is it OK that I just want to know whereabouts my son is?

He's only 3, he has special needs and unfortunately suffers from a weak immune system and gets recurrent tonsillitis, etc. So for those reasons, I am a protective mummy but that doesn't mean that I wouldn't let him go out with his grandparents. I'm not trying to control them and I do trust them but I still want to know where he is.

The problem is, my inlaws have been quite secretive when taking ds out and I just don't get why. So now I ask them but I don't think they like it. They don't do things spontaneously with him, that's just not them, so everything is planned beforehand.

I know posters will likely say I'm controlling but all I'm asking is a quick text with ' we're at the park then going to get somethjng to eat at...'
Or inlaws just letting us know when they pick him up.

Is this strange of me or can other parents feel this way?

OP posts:
ThePoetsWife · 22/10/2022 19:58

Why are you being so passive? Tell them they have to tell you or they don't get to take him out.

Redladybirdbaglady · 22/10/2022 20:03

I feel like there's quite a difference between the absolute refusing to tell you that your initial post implied and the vagueness that your later posts do. I really hope you don't take up the air tag suggestion. Aside from being completely OTT for the actual situation, it's only going to make your relationship with them much, much worse if they find out - and what would it actually achieve? Unless you are planning on rocking up to the zoo to pop out from behind the monkeys to remind them to hold his hand?

Helphusbandsadick · 22/10/2022 20:18

Hi

i have just read a post about grandparents and it has really got me thinking and I would like to hear everyone’s thoughts on this.

grandparents often have my children, they are really good hands on grandparents BUT there is this 1 issue. They don’t like us phoning and either checking up on kids or god forbid we ask to talk to our children! That is not allowed!!!

so my children are 10 and 4. They only ever sleep out the odd night and grandparents but there have been occasions where they have slept for slightly longer. Me and hubby took my daughter to London for a little daughter time and decided it would be too much for my son and take much needed attention off my daughter. We were gone for 2 nights but 3 full days. In that whole time I asked to speak to my son 3 times and each time I was “not allowed!!!” I was fuming. I’m not checking up on then/him! I just missed my son and wanted to speak to him and find out about his day!
this is just 1 occasion (there have been quite a few!) it’s got to the point now where I don’t even txt as I feel like I’m not allowed. Luckily when my daughter is with them she has her own phone so I just txt her but they also take her phone off her at tea time and she isn’t allowed it back until the morning! I’m not sure if they are trying to teach her good habits or just stop me from talking to my kids!

Oh and when I was in hospital having my son I was in for 6 days as he was quite poorly, my emotions where all over the place and I was so homesick it was unreal, at 1 point me and son where just about to be airlifted to a special hospital but luckily he pulled through in time. I rang my husband whilst he was round at his mams (the grandparents) and I was crying on the phone and mentioned how much I missed my daughter and can I talk to her. I heard grandmother say in the background “god she only saw her yesterday” and to “tell her she will see her tomorrow at visiting” my husband just said “she is busy” and ended the call politely. He then rang me back when he was at home and put my daughter on. I wish he had just told the grandmother to go and f* off to be honest! These are my children and I feel if I want to speak to them I shouldn’t have to justify myself

AIBU???

Helphusbandsadick · 22/10/2022 20:20

This was meant to say I have just read this whole post about grandparents and it has got me thinking

Nonicknamesleft · 22/10/2022 20:37

ordinarilyordinary · 20/10/2022 23:14

I would get an air tag as well.
Are your inlaws religious and you aren't? Could they be taking him to church maybe? ( I think I read that years ago in a previous thread very similar to this one, snd that's where the child ended up)
Or are there any other similar activities that perhaps you would approve of that they might be into?

I'm a churchgoer and think taking a very young child against his mum's wishes, and therefore secretively, would be an incredibly wrong thing to do. As I hope would any Christian. Yes, all in all, it's quite weird if they are coy about saying what they're doing, and downright dodgy if they really won't cough.

bluesapphire48 · 22/10/2022 20:45

How does your DH feel about it? Does he think you are BU or does he think his relatives are? Maybe he should handle it.

As mum, you have an absolute right to know what they are doing with your child. Your concerns should be addressed, especially since he is an SEN child. If they are not, then these in-laws really don't care much for mum's feelings, and among other problems, they will certainly communicate this, if subtly and wordlessly, to your child. That's not right!

So, if your husband can't get them to let you know what you need to know, and they won't honor your instructions, they will have to suffer the humiliation (and it IS a humiliation) of being told they can't take your child. Even if you are BU about it, you are behaving that way because you care, and they should respect that.

LynetteScavo · 22/10/2022 21:01

The thing is, do you trust them it not?

They don't feel you trust them, which is why they hold back in where they're going.

I trusted my DM and didn't ask where she was taking my DC, and later found out they went to all sorts of crazy places which I would probably freaked out about before hand.

Harmonypuss · 22/10/2022 21:18

I know this isn't exactly the same but I have people who like to take my dog out to various parks and other places for me and I always ask when they pick him up where they're planning on going and approximately how long they're going to be.
So basically, if I want to know where my doggy borrowers are going, I can't see anything wrong with wanting to know where your in-laws are taking your child.

MysteryBelle · 22/10/2022 21:24

It is weird for them to not give you an idea of where they’re taking your son and what they’re doing with him. It is a natural thing to tell you so they are actively being secretive.

I would stop the secrecy ASAP.

MysteryBelle · 22/10/2022 21:29

To add to my comment, this is how I’d handle it, since they have resisted your wishes for openness, I’d be blunt and direct.

I’d look them in the eyes and say “Where are you taking my son?”

If they hem and haw, or won’t answer, then something is not right.

If they don’t respect and love their grandson’s mother, then they don’t have the right to take your son and keep all outings a secret from you, that is ridiculous. Power play.

Lovewinemorethanhusband · 22/10/2022 21:40

I always ask where they are taking them due to issues with my youngest and her allergies if they didn't tell me then they wouldn't be having her at all .
I do get the opposite though funnily enough a text every half hour or so with an update or asking me if I'm having fun relaxing by myself 😂, I've said before I can't relax as you keep messaging me !!!

Sarahlou2022 · 22/10/2022 21:40

Not unreasonable at all… I would want to know where my child was… I’d definitely pop an AirTag in his bag!

Have you asked them why they don’t tell you where they’re taking him? What does your husband say about it? If you don’t feel comfortable having a firm word maybe he could as it’s his parents?

It’s an awkward position to be in, but at the end of the day he’s your child, you’re fully entitled to message 100 times if you want to to check in, and to expect to know where he is at all times if you want to! X

TheBiologyStupid · 22/10/2022 21:41

ofwarren · 20/10/2022 22:45

Yeah that's weird
I'd want to know too
YANBU

+1

Blueskies4 · 22/10/2022 21:47

Sounds like there’s a bit of miscommunication going on with both sides, with your concern (which I get and especially the desire to point it out even if it’s a no brainer) over his care possibly translating to them as a lack of trust.

To nip it in the bud is it possible to just have an frank chat and say look because of his needs/immune system I get stressed sometimes, I know sometimes I point things out that may be obvious and don’t want to teach you to suck eggs but can we have a few ground rules and it will just help me feel loads more relaxed.

Them being different to you and possibly more “go with the flow” not an issue as long as they’re communicating general plans and considering your concerns. Them being deliberately vague though is not cool - if this is what’s happening.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable!

Blueskies4 · 22/10/2022 21:47

Ps. Please don’t air tag him 😂

AwlAtSea · 22/10/2022 22:05

Ugh, this reminds me of my father when dd was small. He would just turn up at our house and ask her 'do you want to come to the library/shop etc?' without asking me first, usually right before dinner time, when he knew I'd be tied to the kitchen. Of course she would always say 'yes!' and then I'd either have to be the mean mum saying no, or let them go. They would always be gone way longer than they should've been, dinner would be done, and I'd later find out from her that they hadn't just been to the place he named, but a load of other places too.
I didn't feel like I could stand up to him, because he made out I was being neurotic and unreasonable, and I'm just used to being bullied by him, I guess, but it was making me so stressed every day, wondering if this was going to be the day he would take her off, that I would feel sick and anxious. DH was coming home to this after work, and I would snap at him, rather than just be firm with my father.
It was almost like a control thing with him, like being a grandfather automatically granted him rights of access he hadn't earned, and I resent that I allowed him to taint my dd's early years with this stress and bad atmosphere.

I would say you are perfectly reasonable to want to know where your child is going, and if they fudge, or outright lie, or get offended, then they should be told they are out of order - and your OH should be backing you on this.
You are within your rights to ask ahead of time, don't let them control you, you need to be able to trust them.

ricecakey · 22/10/2022 22:13

@decdeclutteringmymind brilliant idea with the airtag

Cornwallcandy · 22/10/2022 22:40

No way are you being unreasonable or controlling, if they can’t tell you were your child is then they shouldn’t be looking after them.

dlizi4 · 22/10/2022 22:46

declutteringmymind · 20/10/2022 22:44

Air tag

I would be tempted to do this

ohwhatadustyanswer · 22/10/2022 23:00

Absolutely No Way I would let my parents or in-laws take my 4 or 2 year olds out without pre discussion of routine, where they were going and exactly what they were doing and what time home. The only person I allow to do this is their part time nanny who I trust to meet their needs appropriately.

Zonder · 23/10/2022 03:54

@Helphusbandsadick you will get more response if you start your own thread.

@bluesapphire48 I asked about the dad / DH a while back but OP didn't answer that.

azlazee1 · 23/10/2022 04:30

I would insist on knowing where my three year old was being taken, by anyone, including family members.

sue20 · 23/10/2022 07:54

StrangeEffect · 20/10/2022 22:50

Last time they had him they took him to a tapas restaurant that definitely wouldn't have been a 3 year old type of place. They didn't tell us they were doing this until afterwards.

There have been various occasions where they haven't said what they're doing and I just don't like it.

Oh well you’ve answered your own question. They may often take him alongside them but to do stuff they want to do. And judging by this comment you have expectations of a child centred visit rather than an alongside adult so they don’t mention because they know you have this expectation. Personally I think taking children of any age into ordinary adult activities is great if the child seems to like. Obviously sensible places.

sue20 · 23/10/2022 07:55

ohwhatadustyanswer · 22/10/2022 23:00

Absolutely No Way I would let my parents or in-laws take my 4 or 2 year olds out without pre discussion of routine, where they were going and exactly what they were doing and what time home. The only person I allow to do this is their part time nanny who I trust to meet their needs appropriately.

Wow.

Xmasbaby11 · 23/10/2022 08:20

Honestly, if you are at the stage where you're thinking of hiding an air tag on him, you clearly don't trust them. Can you imagine the confrontation if they go somewhere you're not happy with? The trust break down would be so much worse.

Just talk to them. If you aren't happy with their plans/communication, then don't allow them to take him out.