Give advice to the poster above you, wrong answers only

[TerfQueen]

Inspired by so many posts here lately where the replies are utterly batshit and wildly presumptive, give the poster above your terrible advice!

Extra bonus points if you can turn their question / AIBU into a personal attack, whilst deriving totally speculative presumptions from the little they’ve wrote.

I’ll go first.

My next door neighbour would like to plant some flowers along our boundary line, AIBU to let him plant the flowers? Husband says he prefers the neat lawn without flowers along the edging

It must be hard to be a Hun really CountryClaire

Bacon Tomato and Lettuce landlords? Are you quite sure you've not lost the plot altogether? Perhaps the Boden and nappy cream and middle class drudgery have got to your head. I prescribe lashings of ginger beer, a bracing walk near a mountain spring, and possible relocation to Rwanda. It's time to put you first hun. LTB and all he represents.

Feck this thread. You are all looking to boast about your washing machines. I am fuming.
My DC are in £500k jobs and not yet thirty. One's on the bins but he makes a mint out of other people's rubbish. DD does something in entertainment but can work from home.
I am taking up 'life coaching'.

Never mind, I'm sure you can find fulfillment outside of the shallow puddles of DC though. Keep trying.

Just had a laver bread flavoured CupaSoup, an acquired taste but quite warming.

Festive advice needed. DH went to the Big Pit works Christmas party last night. He came home with a snowman bauble stuck in his nether regions. According to him he ‘sat on it’. Any advice on removal, ambulance can’t come until 23rd December? I have tried a liberal application of goose grease and the use of a set of nutcrackers with no success

This happened to DH once, when he accidentally sat on the Christmas fairy. The trick is to encourage toxic megacolon, at which point you may be prioritised for an ambulance. I would try to push it up a bit further if you can and give him codeine plus half a pack of Imodium. Get him to eat the rest of the goose grease and make sure he remains seated at all times.

I’m heading out to a Christmas party soon but I’ve just realised that DS4 has drunk the bottle of Champers I left on the side while getting ready, which I intended to give to the host. I’m in a bit of a panic as it’s very rude not to take the host anything. What can I take instead that I might have lying around?

You must be 40 maximum to be going out to a party…I can only conclude that as it’s DS4 he must only be 10, unless your one of those who pops them out at a young age and lives off the state. I hope your neighbour's have reported you to SS.

Anyway…my issue…..
the people over the road have vulgar Christmas lights and it’s going to ruin the ambiance for the soire I hold every year (my guests are the more discerning individuals). AIBU to report them to the RSPCA for making their mongrel wear novelty reindeer antlers ?

Yes, and to the NSPCC, RAC, and IKEA. You can't be too careful with reindeer impersonators, be it dogs or snakes.

Should I cut the blue wire or the red wire? 35 seconds left apparently.

Is there a yellow one? Can you cut that?

I recently purchased a bag of shiny brown balls from a well-known high-end supermarket chain. Apparently they are ‘chest nuts’. Can somebody tell me what I’m supposed to do with them? I tried one straight from the bag but it was much harder than the nuts I’m used to, so I assume there’s some sort of cooking involved. Unfortunately there are no instructions included.

If you were a fat chungus you wouldn't need any instructions, and I say that as a proud 35 stone goose fat goddess with a liking for GP waiting rooms.

The old lady in the supermarket queue behind me kept prodding my back with their trolley. I think they wanted me to move forward a little but there was no where to move dickhead! How should I deal with this if it happens again?

Only you know, OP, but assuming she has autism and judging her behaviour is cruel and unnecessary. Could it have been related to the fact that you obviously had £400 worth of Tesco Finest in your trolley and your husband joined the queue at the last minute with a box of wafer thin mints, whilst wearing red trousers? 🙄

If you have a bottle of Kaolin and Morph that usually goes down well at a party

She was politely reminding you of your manners. If you had children with you report yourself to SS for neglectful parenting. Manners dictates elderly must always be let to the front of any queue. You've now let your children witness violence because of your poor manners. I suspect your trolley was filled with Chardonnay and Malboro Lights and condoms. Parents are not permitted to have lives, shortcomings, failures or experiences.

You must go to work, come home, drink nothing but water and read bedtime stories for the better part of the afternoon. Between all the early phonics and fingerpainting you absolutely must do, one shouldn't have time to pop round the supermarket.

Going against the grain here, but I think you're failing as a mother and should send your children to foster care or a children's home immediately, where there are an abundance of warm hearted beautiful four parent, water-drinking families who will give your child infinitely better life chances. The trauma of their removal from your clutches will be nothing but a blessing and they shall enter into a storybook reality and have five times higher chance of entering higher education.

If you are banged in the trolley in the back by an older person, remember your failings. If by a younger person, consider ditching your expensive anti-aging cream and spending money on play doh and slime because your children must always be the priority to your detriment.

Hth

Bully neighbour keeps parking across my drive so I can't get out for work and keep having to take the bus. She won't answer the door. She thinks her husband fancies me which has caused the animosity. What should I do?

Diagram.

Who owns the house? If it's her husband, have an affair with him. They'll split up and you get your drive back.

You haven't bothered to apply for a dropped kerb and you're singling out a woman on a mobility scooter? Classy.🙄

Burn your neighbours house down. In fact burn the entire road down then you can have all the parking places and the delightful aroma of smoke pervading everything. Same answer to the PP who has neighbours with vulgar lights. Liberate the dog to live with you.

Duly provided.

You look a shameless hussy and you’ll catch your death out in this weather in just your vest

There aren’t any driveways in the photo, this is clearly made up. This thread should be taken down.

That was on our platonic neighbours holiday, just me and him. She's so paranoid I can't even.

(lmao Thank heavens this is still going on, and just when I needed it the most 😂💕)

@Devakai

Was this your humble abode on the outskirts of Dubai? Do you pay council tax for that hun? Clearly enough space for your DH and his OW. Call her London office and leave everything to your cat in your will, the NHS needs funding.

I've applied to Uni of Hull and rejected Oxbridge, but how to get funding until Feb 30th? Stripping? Renting out my neighbour's lizard (3 quid/per month)?😦