Give advice to the poster above you, wrong answers only

[TerfQueen]

Inspired by so many posts here lately where the replies are utterly batshit and wildly presumptive, give the poster above your terrible advice!

Extra bonus points if you can turn their question / AIBU into a personal attack, whilst deriving totally speculative presumptions from the little they’ve wrote.

I’ll go first.

My next door neighbour would like to plant some flowers along our boundary line, AIBU to let him plant the flowers? Husband says he prefers the neat lawn without flowers along the edging

Are you always this emotional? Overreaction, no? head tilt

Oh I'm thinking of sending my DS there. Would you recommend for a vodka-drinking, co-sleeping 7 year old boy with violent tantrums and an ineptitude for sport and academics?

Someone in my street is very famous and has put up some tinsel in November because they might die soon. What advice can you give me?

Why are you putting up tinsel in November? No wonder your neighbour is annoyed. I hope it’s biodegradable compostable tinsel, don’t even think about flushing it down the toilet. Do you have kids? I hope you haven’t introduced them to your boyfriend already. I worry for them.

I have six fireworks leftover from bonfire night. We had such a glorious display and got so carried away with our many friends that we managed to overlook this lot. I don’t have any bottles to launch them from as I have eight bottles of small batch gin on the go. Any ideas on a suitable alternative receptacle?

Stealth boast. Famous neighbours = fancy environs = big mansion.

The only advice I can give you is to get your head out of your arsenal and donate all tinsel to your local Salvation Army.

Your cup of life which clearly runneth over. 🙄

I accidentally took a sip of sweet sherry at a Margaret Thatcher lookalike party in 1980 and am worried that this might affect my potential offspring. I am unlikely to get pregnant as I am 83 and shun the society of men, but you can't be too careful can you?

Why can’t you get pregnant at 83? I had my first baby at 86, DS34. You’ve got at least a year or two of fertility left, come on now OP.

There is a lot of stealth boasting going on here. Famous neighbours, firework parties, fancy dress parties. Desperate attempts to pretend popularity methinks. I doubt you really have any friends, and your neighbours shun you as the boring old farts you really are. Why not embrace your inner hermit, hold your head high and be proud of having not spoken to anyone for 20 years IRL let alone have opened your front door.

Ideas for Christmas day food please? Thinking of doing something with the chicken carcass I have in the pantry. It's been there a couple of months now but should still be alright to eat I think.

Stuff it with the turkey, it will make an eye-catching centrepiece for the table.

Bird in a bird, excellent idea. The furry mould covering the carcass should break down into a nice jus I would imagine.

Futuristik you really should have got your DS signed up for Cheltenham at birth. You may have to settle for a lesser option such as Roedean. Nice enough school with good sea bathing I am told nearby

AIBU
Husband purchased a KFC bargain bucket (£15) for our wedding anniversary dinner tonight, 'saves you standing at the stove' said he.
Should I LTB?
I should add that in all fairness I had a pearl necklace a few years ago.

You are so ungrateful. I mean, if anything he should be angry with you. His anniversary and you didn’t cook for him?

My husband did that and it turned out he was having an affair.

Have you considered having sex with him more, swallowing your hatred with wine and smiling at him more? That stops the cheating, and saved my marriage, 88 months last Christmas

Any recommendations for Xmas mince pies NOT from supermarkets please? Fortnums etc only TIA

The Iceland ones are fab this year, 20 for £1. It’s easy enough to make your own though, just get some Jus Roll and a packet of lean mince.

I am heartbroken @Peashoots
I even put out this morning.
When Lady Hay and I were gels at CLC we were told to put up with a little bit of nonsense from our DH.
I would have been quite happy with a fillet of fish as I don't eat meat.
Mince pies? My husband collects Christmas puddings, I shall do a Lady Moon and give them away! DM me.

I'm afraid he has a dreadful phobia of the sea and of girls so it'll be a non starter. If I could call them 'Ladies' he would be confused enough to attend. As I mentioned, Hugo's not very bright despite the copious amounts of vodka I've given him since birth. He's oodles of confidence though so will probably end up as leader of the Conservative party.

In other news, Cecelia has decided to use the grounds for a Christmas Tree Sanctuary this year, whereby she'll rescue trees from people's porches and sitting rooms, free them of their decorative burdens and replant them. She's attempting to recruit her elder brother Barnaby who did some breaking and entering a couple of years ago when he had his little problem, but he's refusing to return her calls from prison. How on earth do I stop her poor influence on other members of the family, this is getting quite out of hand.

Sorry remind me what a supermarket is again?

Not a golden necklace? Shame

Why on earth would you LTB now when he's finally showing he believes you're youthful and vibrant? The pearls deserved a response with a meat cleaver. Who does he think you are, Princess Margaret or Dame Edna Everage?

The KFC illustrates he sees you as an easily led young thing who will put out for cheap fast food. I would certainly take it as a compliment. Did he call you 'babe' instead of 'darling'? That's another positive sign.

Have you considered sending him on a 'jungle' holiday. Might be the making of him, not much food, basic living conditions, argumentative company and a couple of gnomes who keep bursting in cackling

Sounds perfect for Cecilia and will look good on the UCAS. Vulgar we have to keep them happy but it's the way of the world these days isn't it. Little professional upstarts everywhere with their rules and regs.

No one’s ever bought me a KFC bargain bucket 😢 Can anybody advise me on my love life please, I’m very lonely. I know I haven’t showered since 1998, and the compulsive nose-picking probably puts some off, but you know, I’m a good person, I deserve to be loved, right? <sob>