Give advice to the poster above you, wrong answers only

[TerfQueen]

Inspired by so many posts here lately where the replies are utterly batshit and wildly presumptive, give the poster above your terrible advice!

Extra bonus points if you can turn their question / AIBU into a personal attack, whilst deriving totally speculative presumptions from the little they’ve wrote.

I’ll go first.

My next door neighbour would like to plant some flowers along our boundary line, AIBU to let him plant the flowers? Husband says he prefers the neat lawn without flowers along the edging

No, @Futuristik , the real question is if you’ve heard the mermaids singing. If so, how many? (And my God, won’t someone think of the universe!)

Ah yes Sisters, funny creatures those. I've got one too, even more obese than me and no Princess Di in the derriere department. Bum of an elephant in fact.

I'd quite like to trade in my DH for a new model. Any tips on where to find a toyboy? Ex librarian here so Morrocan bound as we speak

I am sorry @Futuristik I think you need to be cancelled. I waited all day for your BIL to call, nothing, I was available to help with your sister problem. Are you people in rented housing? I am a BTL and send hampers. I was hoping to go to this new shop called Ludl? For a bear and one of these huge chickens. Can anyone recommend a good knicker brand? I am a wife of a extremely rich DH (6 figures, pah) and don't have time to shop.

You mean you actually wear knickers? @CountryClaire Live a little. Save your pennies and your fanny from the unnecessary itchy sweetness.

I recommend the Property Ladder range at Waitrose. My favourites are the Stop Drinking Lattes lacies and the Share With Siblings slinky set. Perhaps you could send those in your hampers. Really, why on earth are your tenants not getting on the property ladder and still making poor financial choices? Couldn't they club together £10 with 1000 of their neighbours to invest in a 2 bed terrace in Anfield?

I would say Rwanda but they've revoked my medical licence so I'd say the entire population is afflicted with a lack of supportive sentiment. You want a toyboy who will support you in your dreams not crush them. Perhaps look for a country with a female dictator who the young men worship and go to war and die for happily. That should suit your character type.

I got a new energy efficient dishwasher and the toilet brush doesn't fit in it! What do I do?

I got a new energy efficient dishwasher and the toilet brush doesn't fit in it! What do I do?

ugh that's rank and unsanitary how could you sully your toilet brush with disgusting food debris. 🤢 your poor DH and kids. Try burning the house down. That'll teach you a lesson you'll not soon forget.

my DD won't study for her exams because she said she's not consented to compulsory education, that society denies the right to autonomy for children, and that GCSEs are for the permanently mediocre. What should I do?

Another one stealth boasting. Some of us lick our plates clean and are grateful for the extra crumbs of sustenance with prices the way they are.

My family and I have started hiring ourselves out as dish lickers to the local restaurants. We're hoping to save a fortune on food bills.

I'm setting up a cosmetic surgery side hustle with a handheld Shark I bought in a charity shop and an apple corer. Liposuction my speciality. Anyone fancy a suck out?

@TheLadyOfHay i'm setting up a cosmetic surgery side hustle with a handheld Shark I bought in a charity shop and an apple corer. Liposuction my speciality. Anyone fancy a suck out?

this is a blatant piss take of the recent revocation of my medical licence by the Rwandan government as everyone on this thread knows my identity. If you actually gave a fuck about my situation or had respect for my expertise you'd have messaged me directly. I'm absolutely disgusted but will provide you with a B2B consultation for £6,997 per hour payable in advance. I'll bet you have no bedside manner since you've no other sort of manners so you can pay but I'll secretly hope wish and pray against your success.

my DD won't study for her exams because she said she's not consented to compulsory education, that society denies the right to autonomy for children, and that GCSEs are for the permanently mediocre. What should I do?

Have you tried cosleeping?

Yes but her little brother sleeps in with me. He has a tendency to let his bottle tip over so vodka and diet coke ends up all over the bed and she's adamantly against alcohol and aspartame as well.

Can't cope with a bit of healthy competition eh, ha ha ha. We'll see whose side hustle is the most successful. Or shall we fight it out? I am the current mud wrestling champion of Hay. Are you hard enough to take me on? Or would you prefer pistols at dawn?

Mud wrestling is against the Plastic Surgeon's Code of Ethics so your little bravadic stunt means I'll get you struck off before you've a chance to even gain your qualifications. It's a win-win for myself and for humanity.

Who's Dawn? I'll rob her at gunpoint with you, no worries. I think sociopathic criminal is more your calling, anyway.

What's the general population of Hay like? Are they wealthy, retired, with lives devoid of purpose, and susceptible to brainwashing? If so what may have a job for you on a commission basis.

What's the general population of Hay like? There's a lot of inbreeding goes on. There have been several calves born with two heads recently. Quite a lot of literary types too or they fancy themselves as such. Ant and Bee and Kind Dog is about their intellectual limit however.

Dawn is a decent sort, cleans for me twice a week on Mondays and Thursdays. She's a wow with a mop and bucket

obviously she's more aware than you seem to be that we are completely doomed and education is a total waste of time . we all know if she's bright enough she'll get on no matter what and either become an SAHM or marty a 6 figure earning quasi abusive man or woman or someone who identifies as a tibetan yak. i'm not a judger
in any case Russel group universities are all overrated

My sister is getting married and she wants our parents to chip in. AIBU in thinking this is totally fine as they also contributed to my wedding?

My sister is getting married and she wants our parents to chip in. AIBU in thinking this is totally fine as they also contributed to my wedding?

Has she always been the Golden Child? Your mum is a classic narcissist and your dad is her enabler. Go NC and check out the Stately Homes thread.

You need to get her drinking ASAP. It's completely normal (and desirable, if not essential) for children to start drinking alcohol from the age of 6 or 7. If by the time they are teenagers they aren't shitfaced at least twice a week they are likely to die virgins, and at the very least no one will think they are cool. You need to step up and parent properly.

Didn't you think about how you were going to wean your kids onto vodka before you had children? If not, why not?

My sister is getting married and she wants our parents to chip in. AIBU in thinking this is totally fine as they also contributed to my wedding?

No it's disgustingly entitled. You presumably were not so bold as to actually ask, they just provided out of the goodness of their hearts. It's not a parent's problem if their children can't get along in the world. Tell your sister to leave your poor parents alone in their house that has increased 10 times in value and if she can't afford a proper wedding cake crackers are a perfectly adequate substitute. She's obviously developed expensive tastes. I expect she got her driving lessons paid for as well?

I grew up in a Manor house but my parents had me in the attic and with holes in my clothes and I had to scavenge scraps from the kitchen bin when the servants weren't looking. Sometimes I ate compost. It's done me no harm at all. I'm glad my parents saw to it that I wasn't entitled and made my way in the world. I became a cam girl and now have a mansion of my own. My kids only own one pair of shoes each and study in the shed by candlelight. Builds character.

Maybe your sister could become a cam girl and make her own way in the world. Sometimes it's better to present options rather than just tearing someone down, you know.

There's no guarantee she'll bag a good husband, she doesn't even drink vodka so I'm afraid cocaine will probably be a non-starter for her so an investment banker will be out of the question. She says she wants to use our extensive family connections to become a politician but that an Oxford PPE is declasse and she's currently building her voter base on TikTok, where she does makeup and politics videos. Should I ban TikTok?

Her brothers all took to the bottle like a duck to water, with watered down vodka from birth, gradually increasing the strength. But unfortunately she's always been fussy and preferred milk. It made me feel so guilty but fed is best I always kept telling myself. I am TRYING to PARENT PROPERLY thank you but when you have a child that point blank refuses vodka and aspartame and smiley faces and spaghetti hoops, what is one to do? She's started a bloody kitchen garden on the grounds, please don't flame me. But I realise the situation is getting out of hand. What should I do?

What’s that nice stuff they used to use on the Vietnam war? Try that. That’ll teach madam to cultivate.

Fed is best hun but meaning this kindly aren’t you worried about her weight? All that dairy…