Give advice to the poster above you, wrong answers only

[TerfQueen]

Inspired by so many posts here lately where the replies are utterly batshit and wildly presumptive, give the poster above your terrible advice!

Extra bonus points if you can turn their question / AIBU into a personal attack, whilst deriving totally speculative presumptions from the little they’ve wrote.

I’ll go first.

My next door neighbour would like to plant some flowers along our boundary line, AIBU to let him plant the flowers? Husband says he prefers the neat lawn without flowers along the edging

No one's ever bought me a bucket even. That hole in the garden gets a bit chilly willy this time of year when I go out for a two bob bit

What precisely would you like advice on? No one sensible has showered since 1998 due to environmental concerns so that can't be the issue.

Nobody deserves love, or a KFC bucket. You sound very entitled.

Is having 15 loads of washing a week too much? What are we doing wrong?

Burn it once it gets to that stage. We only two of each. Two pairs of socks, pants etc and wash once a week. No one needs to change their clothes daily. Have you thought about therapy? I think this all stems from your mum being a compulsive shopper in your childhood, but I could be wrong. But you said as much yourself here.

Ha, just 15? We've eight children so we have 15 in a day. That said, we're very concerned about the environment so we send the preschoolers to wash the clothes in a mountain spring while the others are at school. Do you have a mountain spring nearby?

We have 15 washing machines and do 15 loads in each of them a day. We also have our own mountain spring to do hand washing.

We have the river Thames nearby, do you think that would work? On non sewage discharge days of course . . .

@Futuristik could we borrow some of your kids to do our washing, we can provide lifejackets?

I mean this gently @TheLadyOfHay but do you think you might actually be living in a launderette? Are you in fact Pauline Fowler? Sorry to out you but you need professional help. I've asked MNHQ to trace your IP address. I appreciate you're probably logged on to the free WiFi from KFC next door (that's where the bargain bucket came from) but hopefully close enough to track you down.

You're jealous and unhinged.

No, my children are unaware of the existence of London and I plan to keep it that way for as long as possible.

Sorry, I mean. No. No is a complete sentence.

Look.judt go for the burning method. I hired a skip on my front garden that I burn my washing in. In summer we use it as a swimming pool as the kids go naked when the temp is over 16 degrees

Funnily enough my MIL's name is Pauline. She used to come and see us every day, plant her fat arse on my pristine sofa and hold court. I've installed her in the bothy next to the mountain spring and put her in charge of hand washing. She kept saying how much better things were in her day so she's got a mangle up there as well and a couple of washboards. The washing machines are in the stables and I use the shit from my DD's pony to heat the water to run them. We're very fastidious, there's me, DH and DD. The machines are designated as follows:
1, me - drawers.
2, me - brassieres.
3, me - stockings and tights.
4, me - tops.
5, me - trousers.
6, me - skirts.
7, DH - undercrackers.
8, DH - socks.
9, DH - shirts.
10, DH - trousers.
11, DH - 'hobbywear'.
12, Towels.
13, Bedding.
14, me - nightwear and negligées.
15, DH - pajamas.

All DD's clothing and accoutrements are washed by hand by MIL.

Incidentally we have a dish washer just for toilet brushes.

Personally I do 145 loads of washing in the winter, freeze it and then hang it out to dry in the summer months. It takes a few years to get into a rhythm but it means we don’t need a tumble dryer and never have issues with damp.

Genius idea. I'm going to adopt this asp. How many freezers do you need? I have four kids but the eldest is 19 so I have left him to go feral.

As a rule I’d say one chest per child and two chests per adult. Do you have an attic? We store the dirty clothes there until around November time. Which reminds me it’s about time to get some loads on.

All the talk of washing has reminded me I need staff. The last one left last week after planting my new hedge.
I have 20 for lunch at Christmas and need a 'full service'.
Can anybody recommend an agency that will let me pay cash, if you know what I mean? Has anyone ever actually had good staff? I frequently have to send mine back. God knows where they come from. I caught one trimming Tarquin's plants in his bedroom. Over fussy I thought when they could have been scrubbing the tiles!
Lady of Hay, my arse. You didn't even acknowledge me Bunty and I thought we were besties.
I had a bunch of supermarket flowers to add to the KFC so feel a bit better with Godfrey.

YABU to use the term 'chest'. It is very triggering to the 73% of users who are stuck on a 14-year waiting list for top surgery.

You didn't even acknowledge me Bunty and I thought we were besties I certainly don't fraternise with anyone who likes and eats KFC. Also Bunty, what a ghastly sort of a name, not me at all

I have the entire pony club coming for stirrup cups on Christmas eve before their traditional festive hack about. Ideas for amuse bouche afterwards would be welcome. I'm not giving them a full meal as they're greedy little shits and take all the leftover food home for their horrible siblings

KFC do a wonderful popcorn chicken. A couple of pieces each should work a treat. Make sure to serve thimbles of vodka or their parents will all discover you're nouveau which I'm sure you aren't.

When you say full service do you mean you want your DH and male relatives to have a very merry Christmas? If so I know of a lovely little company I can recommend, SIL swears by them when BIL gets mid lifey and starts talking about cashing in investments, yachts, adventure and suchlike.

Barnaby thinks his South London institution is in Greater Windsor. Quite sweet really.

I feel trolled.
I made suggestions in good faith and asked for AIBU over my anniversary gifts and dinner. No sympathy. I remember when MN was all nappy cream and Boden. It is now full of BTL landlords pretending to be sisters in solidarity. I am heartbroken and shall be changing my name and joining twitter.