Give advice to the poster above you, wrong answers only

[TerfQueen]

Inspired by so many posts here lately where the replies are utterly batshit and wildly presumptive, give the poster above your terrible advice!

Extra bonus points if you can turn their question / AIBU into a personal attack, whilst deriving totally speculative presumptions from the little they’ve wrote.

I’ll go first.

My next door neighbour would like to plant some flowers along our boundary line, AIBU to let him plant the flowers? Husband says he prefers the neat lawn without flowers along the edging

Ant and Bee and Kind Dog is a literary classic. Where did you go to school? I presume they didn't do Latin or Greek.

Oh no she's severely underweight due to her hunger strike to protest the treatment of Donald Trump so no worries in that department.

Well thank god for that, I was seriously concerned for a moment. As long as she isn't fat - we all know that's the worst possible thing. Also make sure she isn't even looking at anyone in a sexual way. Underage drinking is totally fine but any sort of sexual activity before 16 is absolutely vile - especially in girls. The day she turns 16 though all fine - we all know the second the clock ticks midnight everything is different. Got it?

As for the kitchen garden, I just despair. Where are your boundaries (not borders - I'm sure the borders are lovely).

(looool I read that as kitchen gardener @Notjusta and my mind jumped to this )

@cassiatwenty you've posted an identifying picture of my DD. Reported. And how did you know, who are you?

In the words of Fagin 'Shut up and drink your gin' was often used on my DC when they were toddling around my ankles whining and smearing snot into my skirts

Cheltenham Ladies College. I deffo had the benefit of a classical education. We did reading, writing and sums, all a girl needs

Quite right @TheLadyOfHay but to clarify, once anyone hits 21 they must immediately switch to a thimble of sherry only at Christmas. I don't make the rules.

my DD won't study for her exams because she said she's not consented to compulsory education, that society denies the right to autonomy for children, and that GCSEs are for the permanently mediocre. What should I do?

How old is she? You might be able to get her into the same university as Prince George. Failing that, she can go on Onlyfans or become a cleaner.

Does anyone know why I can't find a cleaner? You would think in a recession people would be falling over themselves to scrub my flagstone floors for £2.49 an hour.

Drunk with your pinkie sticking out of course.

Been down to Swansea today. Market was clean out of Laver Bread. WTAF. My hubby will thrash me when he gets home and finds out. Ach-y-ve

Meant to say, anyone got any ideas for alternatives to Laver Bread I can give the old fool?

Actual lava

Blame your dyslexia as he melts to death

A nice red-hot bum burner of a curry might serve the same purpose. I'll knock up a ring stinger post haste. Thanks for the idea.

Rinse some spaghetti hoops and have those on toast instead.

I know outing people is bad form but I think you are Mrs Ogmore-Pritchard and it’s your DH I’m worried about.

Is that you Caitlan?

A beating.

A beating. Soz forgot ur post bbz. Xx

The beating worked well. I have one of those meat tenderising hammer things so used that. Raised quite a pretty pattern on his bum cheeks it did. None of this shit nonsense with rolled up copies of the Womens Weekly

Futuristik have you considered putting your daughter on the stage. It worked a treat for Rose Hovick

@TheLadyOfHay is that you Bunty?
I am on my hilibobs but I am stalking MN for entertainment. I turn my back and @Futuristik has been discussing cleaners (have you no shame you rich madam?).
I am still waiting for a sorting by someone's BIL. Can't be arsed to review the thread and find out who needed marital help.

I also noted Welsh people on here. Most odd.
I also have a property dispute so I would appreciate some free legal advice.

Welsh person here, you racist bigot. I was going to help with your property dispute, but you English bastards have been coming over here, buying our seaside houses, taking our jobs, our women, our sheep even, for centuries. Enough! I’ve reported you and myself to MNHQ for racism.

I also have a property dispute so I would appreciate some free legal advice
Diagram! and make it a good one with coloured pencils used and rulers to do straight lines. None of your amateurish shit wanted here. No picture, no advice. I know fuck all about the law property or otherwise but no matter.

I agree with Crumpet too. There will be no welcome in the hills for you you English slag

Oh and if you're Scottish or Irish you can fuck off too

We tried to put her on stage but she 'forgot' her lines so sung the Star Spangled Banner and asked for money for Alabama-based veterans. DH was proud but it went down like a lead balloon given the show was in Hackney, a little local theatre group. I was rather pissed off given I'd driven her many hours from our home in the Cotswolds for rehearsals and the Volvo is an old workhorse but thirsty as a dog in a desert.

She's currently flogging veg from her kitchen garden to the neighbours for her running away fund. She's off to Trump Tower and sure DT will see her brilliance on sight and offer her a prestigious role. Still refusing to revise chemical bonds etc. I've said I won't pay for her passport if she doesn't at least buckle down with Caecilius for GCSE Latin but she's quite incorrigible and says I'm interfering with the Human Rights of a Child.

DH likes to show her off at dinner parties along with his stag heads with a smug smile on his face. I tearfully told him yesterday he won't be so happy when she's leading a militia faction to storm the White House. He said it would be grand and at least one female in the house has a sense of glory. I told him he can wash his own pants from now on.

Do I have a DH problem?

My cleaner is Welsh. Well, one is. The other two are more foreign.

My advice for your property dispute is to cut the hedge down completely but save it in your garage, install an ugly dark red fence 12cm over the boundary into their garden. Put a planning application in for a 7 bedroom extension that will overlook their garden and keep it in constant shadow. Borrow a very large barking dog and irritate it at 45 minute intervals all night. Have a weed legalisation protest party then kidnap two of the attendees and ensure they smoke 24 hours a day at the adjoining wall with the window open. They can do shifts.

Then ask the neighbours what their original problem was regarding the property. Their brains will be fried by the sensory stimuli you have newly provided and they will not remember.

One day while they're at work or the supermarket, remove the fence and replace the hedge, and reverse all other measures you've implemented, so you're back to normal. You must do this very quickly. A la Changing Rooms. This step is absolutely imperative. The relief to their brains, mixed with confusion, will be so strong, they will forevermore live in a slightly trance like state. You are free to proceed on your property plans as originally intended.

Hth