To clean or not to clean for inlaws? Embarrassed about our house.

[ThreeLittleBirds11]

My inlaws live in a different part of the country now and are coming to stay near us for the first time next week. Sounds terrible but I'm just so pleased we don't have enough space for them to actually stay in our house. However, they will still be spending a lot of time with us in our home which is nice but do I make a special effort to clean and present the house better or should they just take us as they find us?

So for context... dh and I both work, we have a 4yo and a baby. Plus, dh, myself and very likely dc1, all have adhd! So we're not exactly the most functional people around the home!

My mil likes things clean, tidy and well presented (in her house) so this makes me feel a bit pressurised. They've seen our house plenty of times before but they've never spent more than an hour tops in it.

We have stuff everywhere, stains on chairs, walls, floors, and grass that hasn't been cut for weeks and weeks. Clean clothes rarely find themselves in wardrobes or cupboards. Instead they gather in piles on the landing waiting to be distributed. The kitchen units are fairly cluttered and the fridge and hob need a good clean.

On the plus side, the bathrooms are always very clean as I'm super fussy about clean toilets. So inlaws should be OK in there! 😂

The other thing is, dc1 has toileting accidents (no. 1s) every so often so I can sometimes smell that in the carpet despite always cleaning it after. That particularly embarrasses me.

Would you spruce up the house for inlaws? Or just let them see it for how it really is?

As a child growing up in a dirty, cluttered house I entreat you to try and get on top of it. The kitchen, especially was a squalid health hazard and I was so embarrassed that I never let any of my friends into it.

I used to do a lot of cleaning from a young age, but it always went back to being messy very quickly.

@ThreeLittleBirds11 please make an effort to get on top of it for you and your family's sake. I know if I was visiting you I wouldn't want to stay long.

Yes as I always do a deep clean before visitors come, no matter who they are. I’m far from a clean freak but I do hate clothes hanging around too long

This. I can’t even imagine the state your house is in, the way you describe it. I’d be mortified.

You need to do this regardless of whether or not people are coming to visit. And when I say “you” I mean you AND your husband. I’m not sure why you’ve presented this as your job, especially given that they’re his in-laws.

It sounds like it’s the clutter that’s the main issue. It’s very hard to keep a house clean and tidy when there is just too much stuff. If you really want a cleaner and tidier home you need to have a massive clear out. It will also make the prospect of redecorating much easier. Everything in your house should have a place where it is stored. If it doesn’t then you need to sort out your storage options.

To be honest OP, you don’t really sound like the right people to have taken on a fixer-upper.

Agree with this. Pay a local cleaner to do a deep clean, then it’s easy to keep on top of it

Agreed. That's not fair to your children to live like that. A bit of clutter is different than living in a filthy house that smells.

Would still need to tackle the clutter first.

Or FIL?

It’s harder with ND no doubt but I would definitely use their trip as motivation to clean up and then try and maintain a good level of cleanliness. It’s a much nicer environment to live in for all of you.
We work full time and have two small kids- I do get it. But it’s a non negotiable to have a clean house for me.

That’s actually not great that your dd can’t have her own bedroom because it’s turned into a clothes dump.

what’s to stop you just putting the clothes in bin bags and dropping them in to the charity shop today?

If you’re waiting to sort & sell them I would say you can’t afford that. Your daughter needs a bedroom so they just need to go.

Oh lord I have low standards but this is absolutely horrific. Gross 🤮

Your house sounds awful, do it fit you and your children first off .

I am just popping in with a hug to say - this is what parenting overwhelm feels like - you keep the plates spinning, you both go to work, you feed everyone, clean the essentials and stay alive, every day.

It would be nice to have a perfectly clean, uncluttered and well presented house - but that is not realistic in your situation, right now.

Don't judge yourself by your MIL standards, her life is likely to have been different to yours, not least in her expectations of what her house should look like.

Definitely clean your home. Even if you find it overwhelming cleaning it, are you actually happy living like this?

Get it clean then look at tips for how to keep your house clean with adhd.
I find things like this helpful

www.additudemag.com/slideshows/quick-cleaning-tips-for-the-easily-overwhelmed/

I think that I would try and do 5 things before mil gets here, and then ask for her help if she criticises.

• take a big black bin bag (or two) go round the whole house and fill it with alll the rubbish you can find. Don’t stress about recycling, charity shop etc - just get rid of as much as you can.
• go round the whole house and put all clean clothes into drawers and all dirty clothes through the washer and Dryer. Aim to have no clothes anywhere before she arrives.
• go round the whole house and pick up every bowl, cup, plate etc and put them all through the dishwasher. Aim to have every piece of crockery and cutlery in cupboard / drawers before she arrives.
• De clutter and clean kitchen surfaces including hobs etc really thorougly
• hoover right through the house and mop any hard floors

As well as making things nice for her visit, that should also put you in a good position to get the house a bit more sorted after she goes if you want to.

good luck!

My DH grew up in a dirty home and it really affected him. He never wanted friends to come round because of the clutter and mess, he is still painfully embarrassed of his parents even now. MIL leaves clutter everywhere and it’s just generally grubby. Cleaning is just not a priority for her.

DH is now adamant he would never do that to ours! It takes a minute to put things away rather than dump them in piles and it does have an effect on kids no matter what anyone says.

RE the carpet, have you tried some bicarb? Worked wonders on our poor vomited on sofa!

Maybe at least clean your kid’s piss out of the carpet.

And then if you all really can’t manage to keep it tidy, get a cleaner in once a week to stay on top of it?

You house sounds filthy, you should of course be cleaning it.

I wouldn’t make guests take me as I come if my house was like yours.

If you and your children have ADHD it is especially important to get on top of the house and organisation as it can make your condition worse.

Take a day off with dh and go from top to bottom. You can hire a carpet cleaner and start afresh. Not for them, but for your well being op. Start putting in some routines and strategies now, so your children learn how to manage too.

It sounds incredibly demanding with a child and baby, your in laws will only be interested in spending time with you and the dc.

It needs a clean, if only for your family’s sake. I think it’s really easy for a house to descend into chaos with kids that age, especially if cleaning is not your strong suit to begin with, but it is something that does need to be done. Also think that having a tidy, clean environment will work wonders for your personal outlook. I always find it immensely satisfying to get back to a clean house if it’s been in a state for a while.

I’d say at a very minimum:

• sort the carpet wee smell
• clean the kitchen floors and surfaces, do the dishes and put them away
• do the laundry and put away whatever is clean (or have it sent out of it’s too much). You can get lot done between loads!
• Cut the grass
• Spend maybe 30 mins in each room putting things back where they belong, then run the hoover in there and wipe down the surfaces. A 30 minute declutter and tidy per room will work wonders.

Make a list of the essentials
Clothes on the landing can easily be taken into rooms and the doors shut. Do that this morning.
I would give 4yo room a very quick tidy and vac, as they might go in there to read a story
This evening:
Clean fridge (chuck everything out of date first, remove the plastic trays from the door and wash in soapy water and then wash around everything that's left. Make sure you clean the handle.
Clean hob.

My DD has ADHD and you'll probably need to compartmentalise the job into a short space of time to make sure you actually do it!

Tomorrow morning, get up early and stick some of the other clutter into black bags so that everyone can sit down.
Then vac with fabreeze before the arrive tomorrow evening.

Job done!

Please listen to your mum. Children don’t need much of an incentive to bully others and sadly neither do some parents. Perhaps she could watch the children and get you through a plan?

@wildseas at 7.09am has a really good plan for starters. She could help guide you through this perhaps. Floors and sanitary ware are the basics to keep clean. I see you’re doing well on the cleanliness of the bathroom / loo.

I used to be dreadfully untidy. I have trained myself to now pick up anything I see strewn around as I leave a room and pop it in the right place. Eg my cup, plate etc. If you do that every time, it starts to make a real difference. And maybe something as easy as tidying / dusting the area when you’re watching tv. When I do something boring, I watch tv on my iPad. I am presuming you have a device or laptop. If you have someone looking after your dcs, maybe that would help. Perhaps you give yourself 15/20 mins to do as much as you can of putting the laundry away while you watch your favourite soap. Of course that could be a silly suggestion if you have sensory overload.

Yes I'd clean and try and hide all mess so it looks superficially tidy even if everything's been shoved in cupboards and drawers.

I find it much easier to focus my mind into cleaning when I have a purpose, ie people coming round. At the very least have a tidy round, give the kitchen and bathroom a clean, hoover and light a couple of scented candles 😂.

What you describe sounds neglectful, I'm sorry to say

Ruthless decluttering is the way to go.

And the MN tip of never leaving a room empty handed.

And the MN tip of blitzing it together for 15 minute blasts. I'm sure that if you and DH threw yourself at this every day for short periods, then bit by bit, you could make inroads