To clean or not to clean for inlaws? Embarrassed about our house.

[ThreeLittleBirds11]

My inlaws live in a different part of the country now and are coming to stay near us for the first time next week. Sounds terrible but I'm just so pleased we don't have enough space for them to actually stay in our house. However, they will still be spending a lot of time with us in our home which is nice but do I make a special effort to clean and present the house better or should they just take us as they find us?

So for context... dh and I both work, we have a 4yo and a baby. Plus, dh, myself and very likely dc1, all have adhd! So we're not exactly the most functional people around the home!

My mil likes things clean, tidy and well presented (in her house) so this makes me feel a bit pressurised. They've seen our house plenty of times before but they've never spent more than an hour tops in it.

We have stuff everywhere, stains on chairs, walls, floors, and grass that hasn't been cut for weeks and weeks. Clean clothes rarely find themselves in wardrobes or cupboards. Instead they gather in piles on the landing waiting to be distributed. The kitchen units are fairly cluttered and the fridge and hob need a good clean.

On the plus side, the bathrooms are always very clean as I'm super fussy about clean toilets. So inlaws should be OK in there! 😂

The other thing is, dc1 has toileting accidents (no. 1s) every so often so I can sometimes smell that in the carpet despite always cleaning it after. That particularly embarrasses me.

Would you spruce up the house for inlaws? Or just let them see it for how it really is?

Can you get someone in for a one off deep clean? You will all appreciate it. Or at least get a professional carpet cleaner in. Don't bother with organising a big declutter/ tidy up. Grab all the mess, and stuff it in big bags out of sight somewhere. You will lose time and focus if you start trying to find a logical home for everything. So hard working and bringing up little ones. Something has to give. Good luck!

Sounds like you need a deep clean whether they’re coming or not! You could always pay a company if you don’t want to do it yourself

You don't need to do it for your in laws, but you do need to do it

Tbh I am not house proud, but what you describe does not sound good.
Half term is coming up , since you are both teachers now would be a good time to tackle things.

I understand about the adhd. My dd has it. Very high functioning with a brain the size of a planet.

Are you and your DH medicated op? Might it help if not.

As far as the cleaning/tidying is concerned, I think you have to focus on cleanliness. Just as you would shower, you really have to get into the habit of wiping down the cooker/kitchen surfaces daily and the fridge weekly when it is emptyish. It is not negotiable and just has to be done. I do it after supper. The same goes for bogs and bathrooms - here everyone has been conditioned to give the shower/bath and basin a once-over with a cloth, and to check the bog seat!

I deal with laundry weekly: clean and dry and non iron able goes into a laundry basket as I go along; ironing goes into the ironing basket.

With dd: (she's 24) we made a rota together which lives on the fridge:

Mondays: bring down all empty water/drinks bottles and any other rubbish
Tuesday: All clean laundry on bottom of stairs has to be put away.
Weds: She cooks dinner and clears up/wipes down.
Thursday: her bits and pieces that have leeched into the rest of the house are collected up and put away.
Friday: All dirty washing is put into the laundry basket.

Every Single Night she sorts herself out ready for the morning: check: bag, oyster, keys, pass, umbrella, etc.

If you can afford it replace carpet with hard floor and get a cleaner.

Cleaning is a job for both the adults not just you....maybe pick something to focus on each ...so dh sorts carpets and you kitchen ..
If you can't get someone in....
If you try pomodoro technique 20mins of something at time then break..set a timer .helps my nephew

Has the Organised Mum Method been mentioned?

I can imagine you're exhausted, so having a checklist way of keeping your house clean may very well help.

The chemicals in Vanish react with ammonia in urine and make it worse. You need a neutraliser cleaner, avoid chemicals at all costs.

Don't resent your DPIL's visit. I know MIL's are always the enemy on MN, but given your DM's comment about the effect on your children it sounds your house really is a bit grim and the reaction you're sensing from DMIL is entirely natural.

Try to see their visit as a gift enabling you both to focus and make your home more liveable. Twee I know, but entirely factual. I can't be the only disorganised person whose house became a tip in lockdown partly because of the lack of motivating family visits.

What's DH's relationship with his DPs like? Could DMIL help him clear out the spare clothes in baby's room? Or mind the DC while you and DH do it together? Could your DM come over and help you do it? It would literally take an hour or two if someone can mind the DC and would give you an entire room back.

I always give my house a clean and tidy whenever I have visitors coming. That said, I do keep on top of things better than it sounds like you are. I think your adhd will be playing a huge part in that and it might be worth looking at how you can build a bit more support into your daily life to keep on top of things better. Could you afford a weekly cleaner? With the washing I find each person having their own laundry basket means I take the basket down, wash and dry those clothes, put them back in the basket so there's no sorting and then out them away. Only school shirts, work shirts and the odd blazer need an iron. Daily spray the hob and wipe it down, even if not perfect it stays cleaner than leaving it. Give the bathroom a quick spray and wipe before I shower or run a bath for the kids. Do you have a dishwasher? As others have suggested, find someone to cut the grass once a fortnight. Train the kids to put things away, I out clothes away as the kids are getting ready for bed. Give the kids a chore e.g empty the bins, sort the recycling, unload the dishwasher.

OP I really sympathise, but the only way to manage in an adhd household is to have as little clutter as possible. You have to get rid of everything you don't need or use and have a place for everything as far as you possibly can.

It will be unbelievably stressful managing bookbags/swimming stuff/homework in the circumstances you describe.

Also, it honestly doesn't take that long to clean a hob. Put a ten minute timer on and make a start. Your husband can also do this, just to state the obvious

Just checked and 4 yo probably not much help for chores yet, maybe can empty the washing machine or match socks. It is hard when you are working and the kids are little. I had a cleaner before mine started school. She cleaned and did the ironing.

The house sounds disgusting and unhygienic. Clean up for sure.

Lots of good suggestions here.

Please remember this isn't all on you.

What EXACTLY is your husband doing?

He's organised in work?

What is he doing to help?

This job needs sharing, every day.

Do NOT tolerate your in laws giving you grief if you have a husband who CHOOSEs to not do his share.

If your MIL is very organised, then let her help you.

You have a lot on your plate.

This is a good point.

If you are able to resist entirely natural the urge to be defensive your mil could probably really help your dh and you to sort some of this shit out

What a nasty comment. Suggest you rethink your superior attitude and learn something about "third world countries". The most disgusting homes I've been in were all in the UK. Generalising here as I have only been to homes in about 10 developing countries, but can't think of any that weren't kept spotless. A 4 year old urinating on the floor in the house would never be tolerated.

Your house = you and DH clean to your standard. End of.

Stop making excuses about having ADHD. You are able to work with ADHD yet you seem incapable of cleaning what sounds like a filthy house.

It's nearly half term. If the children are still going to childcare, can you use the time to make a start?

Stop making excuses for having a house that is unhygienic and smells of piss.
Both adults in the home need to take responsibility and stop bringing the children up in squalor

I'm not a clean freak by any means but I couldn't live like that and I certainly wouldn't be happy to have visitors if my house was as bad as you've painted it.

I'd echo PP who suggest that you should clean the house for yourself. Sometimes you need a reason to have a concerted effort for this. We used to have a Saturday morning, choose a playlist that we all like and turn it into a dance-clean party. Your bathroom is good, I'd get the kitchen to the same state first. And then the lounge. And that's enough

Depending on your relationship with your PIL would they be happy to help you with a task? My MIL always wants something to do so I'd give her all the clothes to sort and put away - and then you can all go out.

Carpets - as PP said you need the sprays intended for cats/dogs. Walls - jamjars with paint make a quick touch up easy.

I've always liked my houses the most when they have been cleaned for estate agent photos and then I regret not trying to keep it somewhere close to that all the time.

Pop to pets at home and buy puppy urine destroyer. It breaks it down and kills it. Great stuff

Your house sounds dirty and cluttered. Clean it for yourselves. It’s amazing how a clean organised environment positively impacts your well being.

Have the carpet professionally cleaned.

Empty every room. Clean it thoroughly and only put back in what you actually need, use or treasure. Then do a dump run and charity shop drop off for the excess.

I have a few friends with revolting homes. It’s not pleasant being there. We usually meet at my house or at the park, garden centre or soft play etc. That becomes trickier in this cold weather.

I’m sorry but I’m agog that you’d consider not tidying it. And not least as you’ve children in the house living in these conditions.

put the clothes away, clean the stains and give it a good clean all over. Set a good example. It’s bad to live like this and inviting guests in to be in this environment isn’t acceptable.

this is nothing about the in-laws specifically being judgey. I’d judge you and I don’t know you. No one likes a dirty smelly cluttered house.