'bro, you are never going to have a daughter, ever'

[thatlabguy]

[after the 20 weeks baby scan]

watching my two sons celebrating that they are having another baby brother, their dad, me, a single child who spent the last 25 years dreaming that one day I will have a daughter of my own, has came to a realisation that this dream will stay a dream for the rest of my life.

As a grown up, I understand that I must 'stay strong', 'accept the fact', 'many parents dream to have three boys', 'be happy that the baby boy is healthy', and 'move on with my life'.

On the other hand, I am extremely worried that deep in my mind I will never accept the fact for not having a daughter for the rest of my like, the negative energy of 'dream not come true' accumulates and one day it will explode. Of course, I'd like to prevent it from happening but I have no idea where to start, it'd be lovely to know how parents who have already been through this and successfully moved on! Should I see a psychologist?

Serious question - what would you be hoping to ‘achieve ‘ with a DD? I ask as usually on these threads when people describe a mother/DD relationship it seems quite fantastical and nothing like real life or anything I have experienced with my DD. My DD is much closer to DH in her personality and interests, whereas I’m closer to some of the boys. I could name many things I have done with sons recently (movies, concerts, interest related shopping) whereas I would scratch my head and have to think of the last thing I did specifically with DD whereas I’m sure DH could come up with something in a millisecond. DD and I love each other dearly but it’s really about personality/btw tests, not what is between everyone’s legs.

All of this chat that you must be sexist if you want a daughter and gender means nothing etc, I don't agree. In my family, without exception, the girls and their mums are all best friends. We spend weekends together, go on holidays together, call each other about 3 times a day... the guys are a lot more distant. That may not be the same for every family, but in my family its 100% fact

Assuming other people will be the same as your family members simply because they are the same sex, is the definition of sexism.

I don’t know a single woman who was going away with her mum as an adult, or calling her 3 times a day.

My XH was crushingly disappointed when we had our third girl, I could see that on his face though he never admitted it in words. We couldn’t have any more. He always struggled to be a good dad to her and I really wish he had talked to someone about his feelings when she was tiny, it definitely would have helped him. And her.

Please, OP, talk to a counsellor about this to get yourself into the mindset of being a great dad to all three of your lovely boys. You owe it to them.

The OP is a man, not a woman. His post is the first time I've heard of a man spending 25 years dreaming of having a daughter, but maybe I just move in different circles.

I'm another who has suffered miscarriages, but I am lucky enough to have one adult child. I can honestly say I was relieved that she was a girl (which we only found out once fingers and toes had been counted and she'd been bathed, as we were just glad the baby was alive and in one piece) because I felt had absolutely no idea of how to cope with a boy and was afraid I wouldn't be able to change his nappies properly!

Maybe one day you'll get to enjoy a granddaughter! I'm not saying you should spend the next 20-30 years waiting for your boys to have babies, but you never know! My husband has 3 brothers and no sisters, 2 of them are married now and have daughters, my MIL is delighted!

If you have at one point made an intention to have a girl, you may need to unmake that intention. Unwind it, go back to the point it was made and really look at it and process it. Some kind of help would be good. Sorry, I can't do new clients right now but I do TIR - see www.tira.org

It's the little seemingly unimportant parts of women's lives that so often trap us. Everything is important.

Oh Christ so the OP is a man who has been dreaming of having a little girl for 25 years??

ok so this is a bullshit thread

You can't say that though it's sexist!!

Sorry the last part of my post wasn’t aimed at you @JobSeekingMissile.

We spend weekends together, go on holidays together, call each other about 3 times a day... the guys are a lot more distant. That may not be the same for every family, but in my family its 100% fact

Definitely not the case for my family nor any of my friends with daughters, we are older with young adult children.

And people wonder why boys in this country go off the rails or don't treat women very well. Can't be easy when so many mums say they would prefer girls. Our society really needs to think about this. Children can tell. Very sad

Since becoming adults I've gone away with my mum every year / sometimes twice with my kids. Probably 20 odd holidays in total. My sister has been away with my mum twice. My brother hasn't at all. Maybe it's to do with me having kids not that we are female?

and was afraid I wouldn't be able to change his nappies properly!

Did everyone else’s DH know immediately how to change their baby son’s nappies, because they also had a penis? Mine had zero idea but maybe is the odd man out?

I know someone who had a stillborn girl, then 6 boys and finally a girl.

She anticipated ringlets and dolls houses. She
got a rugby mad tomboy who plays for her country.

As someone else said, there’s not a desire for one sex or the other without a ton of sexist stereotypes.

Just the one post from OP?

I think a strong desire for a daughter can sometimes be rooted in a subconscious desire to reparent yourself, by doing all the things for your daughter that you wished someone had done for you. But you don’t need a daughter in order to do this- you can just do it, for yourself.

Seeing a psychotherapist might be a good idea, especially one specialising in birth and family dynamics.

I always just assumed I’d have a girl, I think because I had a close relationship growing up with my DM. By the time I was pregnant I didn’t care either way, ttc for 18 months I was just relieved. He is hilarious, we have the closest bond. Sex really doesn’t determine the personality. He also has a close bond with MIL, and would not consider her to be “other grandma” as another poster said.

Yeah I think a few counselling sessions would be a good idea OP. I mean this kindly, but it's probably best overall that it turned out this way, as you seem to have unrealistic expectations surrounding what having a daughter would be like (something to unpack in your therapy) and no real living daughter would ever be able to live up to that.

At least your son has no expectations placed upon him and can therefore grow up to be his own person.

I think it's OK to grieve about the things you wanted but are never going to have. I find that as my dc with disabilities gets older, it hurts me more rather than "being happy in Holland" (if you know you know). Counselling is probably a wise step.

it’s not about pretty dresses and shopping at all

I suppose it’s about a sense of identification

That. All the posts about frilly dresses and stuff are missing the point. I have daughters, they're very different from each other. I have one super sporty 'non-girly' DD, but she's still female, and I 'get her' and identify with her because I'm female too.

I'm sure that it's also fascinating bringing up boys, because their 'other-ness' is also interesting. But I do get fed up of posters assuming that someone wanting a girl is all about dressing them up etc. It really isn't..

I agree wholeheartedly with this. I am one of three girls and it was obvious that my father only ever wanted a son. He'd roll his eyes at all things to do with being a girl. Never really spent that much time with us. Openly told people, in front of us, that he'd love a son to play football with and take fishing. Never offered to do those things with us.
It was hard growing up knowing I was a disappointment and it's one of the reasons I have very sporadic contact with him now.

The reasons for gender disappointment often run so much deeper than ‘you just want to buy cute dresses’. I have a 3 year old girl and currently 16 weeks pregnant with DC2 (sex unknown, but should find out in the next day or two!). I had a bit of a ‘fear’ of having a boy, not because of gender stereotypes but because the men in my family are very difficult characters (alcoholics, abusive etc) who I have struggled to get along with over the years. I reasoned that if I had a DS he would have half my DH’s genes and I would be thrilled to have a son like DH, so I was fine once I worked through those feelings. But I wish people on here wouldn’t be so dismissive.

Cop on OP, you gender addled, heteronormative prick. You're creating a human being, a lifelong commitment and relationship.

It isn't a dulux colour chart.

it takes a prick to know one - and I think you may be a prize prick @RunAwayTurnAwayRunAwayTurnAway 😂

Is that the best rebuttal you can make, Bad Dog?