To not want DD’s boyfriend’s child in my house

[crostina1]

This happened yesterday and DD doesn’t get why I am annoyed. My 17 year old DD has a new boyfriend of 22 (will call him J) who she met at work. They got together 2 months ago, and it has moved very fast. He only works 15 hours a week and doesn’t do more because of his ‘mental health’. He had a tough upbringing (DD won’t give the details) and isn’t in contact with any of his family. He has a just turned 3 year old son with an ex who he sees once evey few months. He lives in his friend’s family’s spare room but is outstaying his welcome and needs to be out by Christmas. He is making no plans for this whatsoever, I know the place they work would bite his hand off if he asked them for full-time hours, they are very understaffed and he could then he could a bedsit or rent a bedroom. But he will not consider this.

I caught on to what he was doing straight away. He came to stay over one night and stayed for 5, it was obvious he was trying to move in for free accommodation. I put my foot down and said he can only stay 1 night at a time, and no more than 1 night a week as this is our family home and we have DD’s autistic brother to think about, who is unsettled having a stranger in the home. J makes no effort with us at all. DH cooks every night and J never eats it when offered, he gets a takeaway every night, sometimes in the early hours, waking us up. I haven’t ever actually had a conversation with J, he acknowledges me with a nod when he sees me in the house and that’s it. He knows I don’t like him, he is taking advantage of my daughter. He hasn’t once taken my DD out on a date.

They were both off work yesterday. I was aware that he had been allowed a visit with his child, and that DD would be going. DD was very excited to meet his child. I didn’t agree with it, but saying anything would have been futile. I was told they were getting the train to pick him up (child lives in the next town over) going for lunch and to the park and then taking him back to his mum. I finished work early and came home at 3 and opened the door to find the child playing in my hallway, with DD sat in the living room with the door open watching him. J had gone to the shop.

DD hasn’t ever really been around young children, she would haven’t a clue what to do if he’d have had a tantrum and the child was playing next to our heater which was on full blast. I was not at all comfortable with this and read DD the riot act about how this is the first time she has met this child and that it was incredibly inappropriate for J to leave her with him. J was gone for a further half an hour. DD said they went to the park and it was closed off (don’t believe) so J thought it made sense to come here. She said J’s ex (who, I’m told was completely under the impression they WERE at the park/going for lunch and not at mine) is considering letting him have weekly contact and J wants to be able to bring him here as he can’t take him to his mate’s house. I told her in no uncertain terms, no. My house is not a contact centre. DD naively said she thought I’d like it and it’d be like having a grandchild for me.

I had her ring J, find out which shop he was in and then sent her off with the child (who had a pram, thank god as I don’t have a bloody car seat to ferry him about) to meet him so they could take him home.

DD and J don’t get what my problem is. I barely know J. What if something had happened to the child in my house under my DD’s care? In my opinion, taking the child to his new girlfriend’s house when the mother is under the impression they are at the park constitutes a form of low-level abduction, and I wanted no part in the deception.

Well that's helpful 😳

Jesus Christ!

He's a twatting freeloader. You have every right not to have him in your home let alone stay. Seriously, assert boundaries and don't let him stay.
You don't have to give a reason, but if you feel like giving one, I'd say about your autistic child. Not that you should have to give a reason because it is your house.

I wouldn't be allowing a 22 year old man to be staying under my roof, presumably shagging my teenage barely legal daughter!
That being said, you're doing most everything right OP. Keep putting your foot down. You're right in thinking that if you're too strict they'll just go elsewhere. But it doesn't really sound like they have "elsewhere" to go to! Fingers crossed this relationship fizzles out quickly.

YANBU.

You need to take some of the emotion out of this (you're understandably stressed that your DD is hooking up with someone you consider unsuitable and who already has a child) and talk to her about the practicalities.

Sit her down and explain why it's a massive safeguarding risk for the child to be left with her in your house, how it puts you both at risk if something went wrong. Talk to her about being a mother, and how horrified the mother of this child would be to find her little one had been left in the care of someone they didn't know at all without any prior warning.

Be careful not to use loaded language such as he's "taking advantage" of your daughter. She is very naive and he sounds fairly feckless but he is probably also very immature and in a situation he doesn't know how to handle.

Set your rules with some compassion, but be very firm about them.

At 17 you are within your rights to say no staying over at all, although I realise that's unfashionable these days. It might also be hard to come back from when he has also stayed.

ALSO make sure your DD is using contraception wisely.

What year is she in? Does she have plans to move away for uni? If she starts talking about not moving away due to this guy, encourage her to apply to anywhere she would go if she was single and defer for a year. These things have a habit of wearing out quickly at that age.

Good idea.

DD wasn’t really comfortable with the child, despite claiming she is capable and wants the responsibility. I told her the child doesn’t exist for her to ‘practice’ being a grown up on.

I got the child in the buggy and sent DD to go and find J and take the child home (because I wasn’t convinced that J wouldn’t be gone all evening leaving us with the child), and she was nervous about using the pram for the 5 minute walk to meet him. That is reasonable as a 17 year old, but it shouldn’t have been on her in the first place.

That's what I saw. Everyone writing him off cos he works 15 hours a week. My DD can't work at all with CFS and anxiety yet she is an amazing person.

I agree about him staying with you, why can't he get help with housing? He has a child so should be able to. Also how's he paying for takeaways all the time? It seems a bit mad to me.

I'd sit him down and talk to him. Don't let him get away with just nodding at you. Engage him in conversation. Get to know him.

Don't make assumptions about drugs, virtually every lawyer, doctor and accountant you know is using cochineal its endemic in higher earners.

Ref his child, he needs a place he can bring his DS. But I agree until you know him better and he starts to take a better lead in his own life, your house is an inappropriate place.

Your DD needs to have a chat with you. Is he her first proper BF? If so like many of us she might have had her head turned ergo finally someone wants me (why are we women completely anti ourselves about not being lovable?). She needs to study, he needs to know that he is not helping her. The clear boundaries I agree with but the listing him as a cocklodger and waster are OOO, you don't know him, you've made a shed load of assumptions.

Once you know him you can label him whatever you like.

Good luck, this is a tough one as your DD sounds vulnerable.

I wouldn’t let him stay over and if it means she stays out all night I would take that risk as hopefully she will get fed up of that.

*it won't surprise me if those ARE behaviour tactics (I didn't proof read 🤦🏻‍♀️)

Very good point from PP: " She'll need to be able to ditch him without losing face."

I had a cocklodger boyfriend for 3 years at uni due to my parents being absolutely rude to him and to me about him. It did the obvious thing of stopping me see through him myself. It would have been over in a year if they hadn't have got involved.

This sounds like excellent advice and also "ooh while I've got you can you just... empty the dishwasher... dry up for me... pop this out to the bin, it goes in the back alley, thanks, here's the key to the gate, it goes back up here when you're finished, I know you're not in work today... oh are you going out? going past the mini market? We do need milk, I see you finished the last of it, I'm sure you've got enough cash for that".
You won't see him for dust. But check she hasn't given him a key to the house first.

I wouldn’t let him across the threshold. He’s moving in by stealth. Before you know it he will have been kicked out of his mates house and have nowhere to go. He’ll just need to stop for a night, maybe 2, just until he gets sorted, just over Christmas, just until after payday. You’ll never get rid of him without being the one who kicks him out. You can’t kick him out if he’s not in. Let him in at all and you are vulnerable to letting him stay for “just one night”.

I was in a similar shitty relationship at that age . It did make me feel grown up. I really wish my family had been blunter instead of me wasting 3 years thinking his shit was ok.

More power to your elbow OP. You've seen this guy for what he is. As PPs have said, I hope you can show your DD that she deserves much better before he warps her worldview and tries to detach her from you all.

and no work ethic

I'm not saying the situation is ok, but whenever someone doesn't work more hours and they say it's due to "mental health" people always love to say things like this.

If he has mental health problems, that still doesn't mean OP should let him live with her for free 😂

He needs to pay his way and get his own house like the rest of the country. Not OP's problem to baby a 22 year old man.

The child’s mother seams just as bad if she is letting the ex take the child and introduce him to his new gf after only 2months of dating. What happens to the child if he starts getting weekly visits and your daughter is there then a few months down the line they split up. Poor child is only 3 and doesn’t need or deserve any of the confusion

She is not "just as bad". She isn't allowed say in who the father introduces his child to. It doesn't work like that. She should probably start claiming CM from this bum though!

I would absolutely lose it and tell him that he is not welcome in your house.

I would also be telling your dd that she is a child, and that while she is living in your house, she will abide by your rules. And I would go so far as to tell her that if she does get pregnant she needn’t think you’ll be looking after it.

He’s a waste of space, and I lost sympathy with a mental health card a long time ago, since all and sundry now appear to have “mental health difficulties” and be unable to conform to norms because of “my mental health” and yet they seem to manage to freeload, drink, do drugs, have a good time in any other way apart from contributing to a normal society.

If someone has genuine mental health difficulties which prevent them from doing things, then they need to go to the gp, be diagnosed and prescribed medication. Otherwise I consider it to just be a cop-out.

why can't he get help with housing? He has a child so should be able to. Also how's

Because he doesn't even have the child 50/50. He isn't the primary care, the child resides normally with the mother so she would be the one to get any housing help. The council won't give you a home just because you need to see your child once a month or whatever, and social services would just tell you to use a contact centre or have contact at someone's house.

and yet they seem to manage to freeload, drink, do drugs, have a good time in any other way apart from contributing to a normal society.

One of the symptoms of my own mental health disorder is literally "impulsive, destructive behaviour" such as reckless sex, binge drinking, drugs....

I mean, it's not like someone with mental health problems would turn to drink and drugs to numb things is it?

God yeah. I bet he was gonna go to the pub and have a few knowing that another mug was caring for his child

Just a thought - if you were to have his child back in your house again, I'm guessing there would be a changing bag or a bag of some sort that would have the child's belongings in it.
Could you have a note ready to go into the bag, introducing yourself to the child's mother and saying that you are only looking out for the child and that you don't think what CockLodger is doing is right and you want to help the mother in any way you can, if that would help? I have no idea if that would fan the flames or quench them.
If she knew that her useless ex was dumping their child on a stranger (i.e. you and your 17 yr old DD), she may want to know about it. Maybe.

I'm not saying the situation is ok, but whenever someone doesn't work more hours and they say it's due to "mental health" people always love to say things like this. that’s because it’s usually true.

Mental health/stress is the easiest way to justify being a twat. The OP says he refuses to take medication. Well sorry, if you refuse medication then you lose the right to play the mental health card.

It’s an insult to the people who genuinely have mental health problems and who have spent time seeking help because all they want is to live a normal life.

This reminds me so much of what happened with my first proper boyfriend when I was 17, minus the child. He'd outstayed his welcome with everyone else and ended up staying with us. My parents clearly didn't like him (obviously they turned out to be right!), but they ended up pushing me away and I moved in with him at 18. So I echo those above about treading carefully. She'll realise in her own time. But no, YANBU!