Page 33 | To not want DD’s boyfriend’s child in my house

crostina1 · 2022-10-19T13:27:38+00:00

This happened yesterday and DD doesn’t get why I am annoyed. My 17 year old DD has a new boyfriend of 22 (will call him J) who she met at work. They got together 2 months ago, and it has moved very fast. He only works 15 hours a week and doesn’t do more because of his ‘mental health’. He had a tough upbringing (DD won’t give the details) and isn’t in contact with any of his family. He has a just turned 3 year old son with an ex who he sees once evey few months. He lives in his friend’s family’s spare room but is outstaying his welcome and needs to be out by Christmas. He is making no plans for this whatsoever, I know the place they work would bite his hand off if he asked them for full-time hours, they are very understaffed and he could then he could a bedsit or rent a bedroom. But he will not consider this. I caught on to what he was doing straight away. He came to stay over one night and stayed for 5, it was obvious he was trying to move in for free accommodation. I put my foot down and said he can only stay 1 night at a time, and no more than 1 night a week as this is our family home and we have DD’s autistic brother to think about, who is unsettled having a stranger in the home. J makes no effort with us at all. DH cooks every night and J never eats it when offered, he gets a takeaway every night, sometimes in the early hours, waking us up. I haven’t ever actually had a conversation with J, he acknowledges me with a nod when he sees me in the house and that’s it. He knows I don’t like him, he is taking advantage of my daughter. He hasn’t once taken my DD out on a date. They were both off work yesterday. I was aware that he had been allowed a visit with his child, and that DD would be going. DD was very excited to meet his child. I didn’t agree with it, but saying anything would have been futile. I was told they were getting the train to pick him up (child lives in the next town over) going for lunch and to the park and then taking him back to his mum. I finished work early and came home at 3 and opened the door to find the child playing in my hallway, with DD sat in the living room with the door open watching him. J had gone to the shop. DD hasn’t ever really been around young children, she would haven’t a clue what to do if he’d have had a tantrum and the child was playing next to our heater which was on full blast. I was not at all comfortable with this and read DD the riot act about how this is the first time she has met this child and that it was incredibly inappropriate for J to leave her with him. J was gone for a further half an hour. DD said they went to the park and it was closed off (don’t believe) so J thought it made sense to come here. She said J’s ex (who, I’m told was completely under the impression they WERE at the park/going for lunch and not at mine) is considering letting him have weekly contact and J wants to be able to bring him here as he can’t take him to his mate’s house. I told her in no uncertain terms, no. My house is not a contact centre. DD naively said she thought I’d like it and it’d be like having a grandchild for me. I had her ring J, find out which shop he was in and then sent her off with the child (who had a pram, thank god as I don’t have a bloody car seat to ferry him about) to meet him so they could take him home. DD and J don’t get what my problem is. I barely know J. What if something had happened to the child in my house under my DD’s care? In my opinion, taking the child to his new girlfriend’s house when the mother is under the impression they are at the park constitutes a form of low-level abduction, and I wanted no part in the deception.

blubberyboo · 21/10/2022 12:01

@crostina1

what did you say when they arrived last night?

I think you need to catch them again and ask him what arrangements he has made to find new accommodation and make it very clear he won’t be able to live at yours after Xmas. Suggest appointments with housing organisations.

He may well end up getting kicked out early the more time he spends at yours as those people will think he no longer needs their sofa

SemynonA · 21/10/2022 12:05

MemorableName · 21/10/2022 11:54

There’s been some brilliant advice here and some terrible advice too.
A lot of both.
The most important thing is to calm down and take a step back for a day. Time to stick to what you know for sure and what is likely from experience and not panic to much about some of the extreme catastophizing going on.

J may possibly be evil, coercively controlling violent abusive manipulator and your daughter an abused and innocent child but the reality is somewhere in between.
What you know for sure is that he is a bit of a feckless loser and a useless dad. You know your daughter has had unprotected sex with him. You know he is 5 years older than her. You know you have tried putting her off him to no avail. You know your daughter is letting her coursework slip. You know she is telling you he is coming over and not asking you. You know daughter thinks you are being judgemental and snobby. You know you want the relationship to end but that it’s not your decision. You know that daughter is completely smitten with her good looking boyfriend, first love that she spends many hours with at work. You know he’s estranged from his family and has a minor conviction. You know she wants to study further but stay in your town rather than move away.

Now what is possible . It’s likely that they are both getting stoned and having a great time about it. It’s likely that she will not end up in a heroin addicted hell hole with 7 children and be violently abused by him . It’s likely that the relationship won’t last , she’s 17. Since has definitely had unprotected sex , possible has picked up various STDs. Since she’s forgetful with her pill an un/planned pregnancy is possible. It’s also very likely that her coursework would be suffering working the hours she does, infatuated with a new boyfriend, even if he was a medical student you approved of. The risks of STDs and pregnancy are the same whether hes an aristocrat or a hobo.

Think now what you do have full control over, what you can influence and what you can’t. Think what the absolute priorities are.

That you don’t like him and see that he is an irresponsible no-hoper is needs to be absolutely and entirely irrelevant to your behaviour from her point of view

Even if my 17 yr old was behaving like this with a 22 year old wealthy, charming medical student the whole family adored I would absolutely make top and most immediate priority her health-
1-Well woman clinic- you need to get her to have STD checks , make it known that’s a normal part of being in an adult sexual relationship
2- Pregnancy- exert as much influence as you can to get her on long-term contraception, sell it as she’s in her first adult relationship , it’s a mother daughter bonding and proud of her making adult decisions.
3- Present Studies- target to cut down work hours and time with boyfriend so she can concentrate on her coursework. Absolutely no unannounced overnight guests, who ever it is, no late nights up til 3am after work on school nights, whoever she is with
4-Study future- ecourage travel, work experience, socializing, hobbies. Time with girls her own age. Self esteem building. All the things that will help her see is a bigger world than getting stoned with a lad you fancy.

None of the above involve you moralizing about her bad choice in men. She thinks you are a snob, do not do anything that reinforces that. Make sure is clear this is about her welfare and helping slide her happily and successfully into adulthood and not because the lad she’s horny for isn’t good enough for you. Be confident that you would still prioritize the same things if J was classy enough and be confident that she gets that message loud and clear.

One of the few useful advices I read.

Letthesunshineonin · 21/10/2022 12:07

Yes OP, them about the takeaway and I would also say that in future if he wants to stay over then she should ask you not tell you. You need to make him squirm and feel uncomfortable not just let him treat your house like a hotel and not even have the common courtesy to talk to you.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 21/10/2022 12:28

upanddownandupanddown · 19/10/2022 14:40

Sorry. I couldn’t get past the fact you said he can’t work more then 15 hours a week because of his ‘mental health’. I can only
work three days a week because of my mental health; mental health problems are real and can be really limiting to someone’s life. So for that, YABU.

His MH would improve greatly if he had a bloody home! Sometimes you have to put the health of your dependant child first - mental or physical.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 21/10/2022 12:30

Letthesunshineonin · 21/10/2022 12:07

Yes OP, them about the takeaway and I would also say that in future if he wants to stay over then she should ask you not tell you. You need to make him squirm and feel uncomfortable not just let him treat your house like a hotel and not even have the common courtesy to talk to you.

Exactly.

Letting some shiftless lout (a bare acquaintance) use my house and my minor daughter's body (and money) for his convenience, and having him ignore me under my own roof?

It's unthinkable.

MemorableName · 21/10/2022 12:34

Thank you.
I had to make an account specifically to write it as found some of the ridiculous, dangerous, illegal, short-sighted and bizarre advice so far impossible to take any more 😀 and as a regular lurker on AIBU that says a lot.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 21/10/2022 12:37

*You know you want the relationship to end but that it’s not your decision
*
see, this is where I disagree. She's a dependent minor. Her parents can put their foot down and require her to ditch the boyfriend AND the job, to focus on her studies. Teens don't have an automatic right to shag whoever they want or to work if it impacts their education.

She owes her parents respect and deference. They need to assert themselves.

niugboo · 21/10/2022 12:44

MemorableName · 21/10/2022 11:54

There’s been some brilliant advice here and some terrible advice too.
A lot of both.
The most important thing is to calm down and take a step back for a day. Time to stick to what you know for sure and what is likely from experience and not panic to much about some of the extreme catastophizing going on.

J may possibly be evil, coercively controlling violent abusive manipulator and your daughter an abused and innocent child but the reality is somewhere in between.
What you know for sure is that he is a bit of a feckless loser and a useless dad. You know your daughter has had unprotected sex with him. You know he is 5 years older than her. You know you have tried putting her off him to no avail. You know your daughter is letting her coursework slip. You know she is telling you he is coming over and not asking you. You know daughter thinks you are being judgemental and snobby. You know you want the relationship to end but that it’s not your decision. You know that daughter is completely smitten with her good looking boyfriend, first love that she spends many hours with at work. You know he’s estranged from his family and has a minor conviction. You know she wants to study further but stay in your town rather than move away.

Now what is possible . It’s likely that they are both getting stoned and having a great time about it. It’s likely that she will not end up in a heroin addicted hell hole with 7 children and be violently abused by him . It’s likely that the relationship won’t last , she’s 17. Since has definitely had unprotected sex , possible has picked up various STDs. Since she’s forgetful with her pill an un/planned pregnancy is possible. It’s also very likely that her coursework would be suffering working the hours she does, infatuated with a new boyfriend, even if he was a medical student you approved of. The risks of STDs and pregnancy are the same whether hes an aristocrat or a hobo.

Think now what you do have full control over, what you can influence and what you can’t. Think what the absolute priorities are.

That you don’t like him and see that he is an irresponsible no-hoper is needs to be absolutely and entirely irrelevant to your behaviour from her point of view

Even if my 17 yr old was behaving like this with a 22 year old wealthy, charming medical student the whole family adored I would absolutely make top and most immediate priority her health-
1-Well woman clinic- you need to get her to have STD checks , make it known that’s a normal part of being in an adult sexual relationship
2- Pregnancy- exert as much influence as you can to get her on long-term contraception, sell it as she’s in her first adult relationship , it’s a mother daughter bonding and proud of her making adult decisions.
3- Present Studies- target to cut down work hours and time with boyfriend so she can concentrate on her coursework. Absolutely no unannounced overnight guests, who ever it is, no late nights up til 3am after work on school nights, whoever she is with
4-Study future- ecourage travel, work experience, socializing, hobbies. Time with girls her own age. Self esteem building. All the things that will help her see is a bigger world than getting stoned with a lad you fancy.

None of the above involve you moralizing about her bad choice in men. She thinks you are a snob, do not do anything that reinforces that. Make sure is clear this is about her welfare and helping slide her happily and successfully into adulthood and not because the lad she’s horny for isn’t good enough for you. Be confident that you would still prioritize the same things if J was classy enough and be confident that she gets that message loud and clear.

@MemorableName absolutely nailed it. Excellent advice.

38woman · 21/10/2022 12:46

Is there an update at all OP? I have been following this in detail rooting for you. I too support the idea of taking her to places, and gently reminding her of her friend's relationships.

MemorableName · 21/10/2022 12:48

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 21/10/2022 12:37

*You know you want the relationship to end but that it’s not your decision
*
see, this is where I disagree. She's a dependent minor. Her parents can put their foot down and require her to ditch the boyfriend AND the job, to focus on her studies. Teens don't have an automatic right to shag whoever they want or to work if it impacts their education.

She owes her parents respect and deference. They need to assert themselves.

You cannot end other people’s relationships on their behalf, even if they are your children.

OP can control who comes to her home and when but she cannot control who leaves unless she holds them prisoner. Trying what you suggest is not just immoral but impossible . Her daughter has a job and plenty of savings and a boyfriend, she will just pack up and leave. She’s 17 and perfectly able and possibly willing to.

Heavens above, some of these replies.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 21/10/2022 12:49

TheHonourableHonoriaGlossop · 21/10/2022 10:12

If being a "snob" is not wanting my daughter's boyfriend to have a conviction for affray, a weed habit, being so lazy I can't be bothered to work more than 15 hours a week, lives sofa surfing, orders takeaways at 3am and shouts at the delivery driver waking the entire household, has already impregnated and dumped one young woman, doesn't want to pay maintenance and doesn't appear to speak to his mother then I'll be a snob thanks. It doesn't offend me.

i encounter many of these individuals in my work, I have no desire for my daughter to encounter one even less form a relationship.

Agree. Call me snob.

If he had any shred of decency he'd be hustling to make a life for his son, not barely working (i do 15 hours in a fucking day sometimes let alone a week) and mooching off teenage girls and strangers for unprotected sex and food.

HermioneKipper · 21/10/2022 13:03

I’m sorry I have no advice but really feel for you.

i and every decent parent would feel exactly the same way as you.

I feel like I’d be tempted to hire some big fuck off bloke to threaten him in a dark alleyway to stay the hell away from her or else …. And say you’ve got no idea what she’s talking about if she questions you later about it

woodhill · 21/10/2022 13:05

Perhaps he comes from a dysfunctional situation in the first place, telling he had no contact with his dps

Not excusing his behaviour though

Herejustforthisone · 21/10/2022 13:05

Amarantho · 21/10/2022 10:25

If mental health isn't an excuse to not to work, then maybe the DWP should stop assessing people with mental health issues and deciding that they are unable to work? Should we get rid of the ability to be signed off work for mental health issues? Everyone currently who has been told they don't have to work due to their mental health issues should have their claim suspended and forced back in to work?

Because some of the comments on this thread are not just about a lazy waster with no diagnosis, they are also about anyone with a diagnosis who doesn't work due to their symptoms.

Stop being offended for a minute and look at the bigger picture here.

Focus on the rest of his shit and disappointing behaviour.

Lulibee · 21/10/2022 13:15

If it were me, I would inform DD that J is not welcome in our home and that he is not to visit again. Once he gets his life sorted out - full-time job and place to live then you’ll reconsider.

if your concern is she might leave, well let her find out what a loser this guy is, she’ll soon be back provided she knows her home with you is still her home.

No way would I allow someone like this in my home.

billy1966 · 21/10/2022 13:16

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 21/10/2022 12:49

Agree. Call me snob.

If he had any shred of decency he'd be hustling to make a life for his son, not barely working (i do 15 hours in a fucking day sometimes let alone a week) and mooching off teenage girls and strangers for unprotected sex and food.

Show quote history

Agree.

But my children, including my son in his 20's wouldn't dream of TELLING me that a friend was staying.

My children have respect for our home and know better than to think TELLING me this is the way to behave....and their friends are always welcome, but they ASK.

Your daughter has zero respect for you or herself, given how she behaves and treats your home.

Where is your husband in this?

Because that fellow would have never entered our house twice, not to mind stay over...5 years older than your child.

Waking the house at 3am, again, completely unbelievable.

OP, you and your husbands complete lack of boundaries have allowed this to happen and to continue.

As I have written many times, only in MN land do children behave like this.
I can't imagine a single person who would tolerate this and while some girls are drawn to strange types, he really does have loser written all over him.....no matter how cute he is.

40 years ago he would have been a loser, not to mind today.

Is this really all your child aspires to, a baby with a loser and a dead end future?

Either way you have nothing to lose at this very late stage, to decide to parent and text her back that, NO ONE is staying over, as it no longer suits you.

Your inaction and that of your husbands is really letting her down when she needs to know that you care enough to act in her best interests out of love.

Standing back and hoping it resolves it self is not an option.

Charcy · 21/10/2022 13:25

niugboo · 21/10/2022 09:59

That’s the point isn’t it. There is snobbery here. The issue isn’t the behvaiour it’s him. And she will know that.

You're going to lose her and it’s on you.

Show quote history

I have honestly never heard something so ridiculous in my life. Give your head a feel ya fucking melt.

kateandme · 21/10/2022 13:35

SemynonA · 20/10/2022 22:12

You are absolutely not unreasonable
However, please be very careful to not follow a lot of the advice given here
I have been your daughter, and I did end up spending 18 years of my life with that man, ruining my life and the ones of my children.

The way to get through to your daughter isn't by lecturing her or even showing her openly what he is.

You daughter wouldn't be with such a man if she didn't have some self-esteem issues. One part of her is aware that he is not a desirable match. Yet most of her brain is telling her that this is all she can get. It's a fear of not having love if it is not for him that keeps her with him.
If you say anything about him, she will bury further the little part of her who is aware of it, out of shame of being able to feel it that you are right and still want him and a need to avoid her own duality.

Once she starts that process, it will be very hard to get her to walk away from it.
Those men know how to prey on young insecure women, and he presented himself as someone else. He might have put pressure on her to have sex, maybe even guilt-tripped her into it by telling her some sad story.
Once he hooked her, he slowly dropped the mask and she will more and more wonder by herself if she should stay. This can be difficult to get to the point to because of the deception and what is a mistake.
Do you know how hard it can be to admit our mistakes? well, imagine when you're about to be an adult and you have to prove your parents are right how bad that would feel?
On top of that, it wasn't a mistake, she was deceived! Her own ego is bruised to not have seen it coming and it's tempting instead to bury herself further into the relationship to pretend it didn't happen. Not to mention the pain, that because of that deception she gave him access to the depth of her intimacy. Again, how tempting it is to just push further than face the truth? Especially if your parents keep showing you they are smarter than you and spotted it straight away?

What your daughter needs is to be given everything to feed her self-worth right now. Compliment her, and discuss with her her bright future.
Do not show her how you feel about him. Pretend that you want to know him. Ask to spend time with him and have a good chat. Show yourself friendly and welcoming to him. Accept the fakeness knowing that you are only biding your time and this is how to get rid of him.

Know that this is a predator, his only skill in life is manipulating, and he has more free time than you to elaborate his plans, so be careful, you are smarter, so use it, but less trained, so don't be cocky.
Know that your daughter needs to stop feeling ashamed of her 'mistake' to move on from it. If you make her feel stupid to have made that mistake she will never admit it (including to herself) and could destroy her life rather than face her own shame and hurt.

She only needs you to make her feel good about herself. If she ever had a special someone you thought was a good person and that she lost or disconnected from, bring them back.

Here are the things you need to do to save her from this predator :

make her feel safe and not judged, nor inferior to you by showing her that that you spotted him but she didn't
pretend to be friendly and welcoming with him so she doesn't feel like she is antagonising you
pretend to be friendly and welcoming with him so he feels safe and you can manipulate the manipulation and get ahead of him
highlight your daughter's beauty, intelligence, talent... and how much she could have her pick with any man. Make her feel that losing him isn't losing any chance at romance. Discuss with her what her perfect match is, but without bringing him up, so she can compare by herself in her head her perfect match to him
try to involve others in your plan, a potential friend of her who might be worried or that you know she has be seeing less because of her relationship and that you know is a good influence on her. Don't tell them anything about your plan, just make sure to favour their presence. If there is any possibility to invite them over that wouldn't be too weird (if you never talked with any friend of her and didn't want them home then she will sniff the manipulation), then do it.

I'm so sorry to have to tell you those things because it shouldn't have to be this way. You should be able to be honest with your daughter and that's all. Alas, your daughter cannot be honest with herself right now, not without feeling shame and hurt, not without feeling like she was a fool and gave herself to a worthless man because she felt lonely, unlovable, and bought his bullshit.

If you ever make her face that frontally she will hide so she can lick her wounds privately. But you can make her feel good enough about herself for her to face her own hurt and raise herself her own standards.

Hope this can be helpful to you. And please receive my deepest sympathies for you and your daughter to have had such individual entering your lives.

Brilliant

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 21/10/2022 13:41

She's only eight weeks into this so-called "relationship." All of these heavy psychological theories are more appropriate to someone who's been mired in a coercive/abusive situation for years.

In this case she is a dependent minor living in her parents' household. They still get a say in who she associates with and where / when she works.

Nip it in the bud now.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 21/10/2022 13:47

Lulibee · 21/10/2022 13:15

If it were me, I would inform DD that J is not welcome in our home and that he is not to visit again. Once he gets his life sorted out - full-time job and place to live then you’ll reconsider.

if your concern is she might leave, well let her find out what a loser this guy is, she’ll soon be back provided she knows her home with you is still her home.

No way would I allow someone like this in my home.

Especially with younger children in the home. I'd be locking up my valuables too.

Let her go see what a sofa-surfing life with him is like, for a few days. Where will she bathe, wash her clothing, safeguard her purse? How impressed will her friends be with her mooching, shiftless "older man."

Maybe she'll respect what her parents provide a bit more, after a week or so of homelessness. And see him for the lazy bum he is.

Wallywobbles · 21/10/2022 13:48

Get her on MN maybe. I've shared things of here with my kids for years. Lovely pair of feminists with decent self esteem!

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 21/10/2022 13:50

woodhill · 21/10/2022 13:05

Perhaps he comes from a dysfunctional situation in the first place, telling he had no contact with his dps

Not excusing his behaviour though

I'm sure he does and he is to be pitied for that, but it's not on OP and her family to address.

He needs to access whatever services he can to improve his life and mental health. And work more.

HotWashCycle · 21/10/2022 14:02

Children with no boundaries by their parents feel insecure and unhappy, OP. Just saying, as you and your DH do not seem to assert yourselves at all, which must be very difficult for DD, She needs to feel that you are strong and that she can rely on you. (I doubt she can be feeling that if you allow her to text and TELL you not ask you, that the bf is staying over).

At 17 she is still technically a child, and parents decide for a child. Once she is 18, you will lose that advantage, so act now, for goodness sake before she wrecks her life with you enabling her.

woodhill · 21/10/2022 14:12

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune

Totally agree with you. I would have hated my dds to have had the same experience

But obviously his behaviour doesn't come out of nowhere and it is quite sad for his own dc and this type of scenario seems very common unfortunately

billy1966 · 21/10/2022 14:45

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 21/10/2022 13:47

Especially with younger children in the home. I'd be locking up my valuables too.

Let her go see what a sofa-surfing life with him is like, for a few days. Where will she bathe, wash her clothing, safeguard her purse? How impressed will her friends be with her mooching, shiftless "older man."

Maybe she'll respect what her parents provide a bit more, after a week or so of homelessness. And see him for the lazy bum he is.

Show quote history

This would be my approach.

I would be stressing to her that she is very much loved and her room will be waiting for her........but that waste of space is not allowed near our home and if she wants to give up her future and education, then she will have to live with her choices.

If she wants to throw away her future and have children at 17, then it is her choice, but not under my roof.

I have girls around that age but I certainly wouldn't be giving them any hint of tacit approval for this clusterfxxk by hosting him in our home and using it as a contact centre because he is such a waster.

She also needs to be firmly disabused of the idea that you are keen to be a grandmother🙄.

Why on earth would any teen think their mother wants a grandchild?

Has she any ambitious? Plans for University?
Why is she knowingly playing roulette with her future?