To not want DD’s boyfriend’s child in my house

[crostina1]

This happened yesterday and DD doesn’t get why I am annoyed. My 17 year old DD has a new boyfriend of 22 (will call him J) who she met at work. They got together 2 months ago, and it has moved very fast. He only works 15 hours a week and doesn’t do more because of his ‘mental health’. He had a tough upbringing (DD won’t give the details) and isn’t in contact with any of his family. He has a just turned 3 year old son with an ex who he sees once evey few months. He lives in his friend’s family’s spare room but is outstaying his welcome and needs to be out by Christmas. He is making no plans for this whatsoever, I know the place they work would bite his hand off if he asked them for full-time hours, they are very understaffed and he could then he could a bedsit or rent a bedroom. But he will not consider this.

I caught on to what he was doing straight away. He came to stay over one night and stayed for 5, it was obvious he was trying to move in for free accommodation. I put my foot down and said he can only stay 1 night at a time, and no more than 1 night a week as this is our family home and we have DD’s autistic brother to think about, who is unsettled having a stranger in the home. J makes no effort with us at all. DH cooks every night and J never eats it when offered, he gets a takeaway every night, sometimes in the early hours, waking us up. I haven’t ever actually had a conversation with J, he acknowledges me with a nod when he sees me in the house and that’s it. He knows I don’t like him, he is taking advantage of my daughter. He hasn’t once taken my DD out on a date.

They were both off work yesterday. I was aware that he had been allowed a visit with his child, and that DD would be going. DD was very excited to meet his child. I didn’t agree with it, but saying anything would have been futile. I was told they were getting the train to pick him up (child lives in the next town over) going for lunch and to the park and then taking him back to his mum. I finished work early and came home at 3 and opened the door to find the child playing in my hallway, with DD sat in the living room with the door open watching him. J had gone to the shop.

DD hasn’t ever really been around young children, she would haven’t a clue what to do if he’d have had a tantrum and the child was playing next to our heater which was on full blast. I was not at all comfortable with this and read DD the riot act about how this is the first time she has met this child and that it was incredibly inappropriate for J to leave her with him. J was gone for a further half an hour. DD said they went to the park and it was closed off (don’t believe) so J thought it made sense to come here. She said J’s ex (who, I’m told was completely under the impression they WERE at the park/going for lunch and not at mine) is considering letting him have weekly contact and J wants to be able to bring him here as he can’t take him to his mate’s house. I told her in no uncertain terms, no. My house is not a contact centre. DD naively said she thought I’d like it and it’d be like having a grandchild for me.

I had her ring J, find out which shop he was in and then sent her off with the child (who had a pram, thank god as I don’t have a bloody car seat to ferry him about) to meet him so they could take him home.

DD and J don’t get what my problem is. I barely know J. What if something had happened to the child in my house under my DD’s care? In my opinion, taking the child to his new girlfriend’s house when the mother is under the impression they are at the park constitutes a form of low-level abduction, and I wanted no part in the deception.

Don’t suppose you could have a word with management at the pub? Maybe he could get moved on…

OP I really feel for you. I think teenagers often fall for looks, and then find it hard to get out of relationships, particularly if they are having sex. There is a hormonal component, the oxytocin bonding can feel like love.
Also men in their twenties who are feckless spongers (and so date inexperienced teenagers) are expert manipulators. They prey on girls who will feel sorry for them, tender-hearted and inexperienced girls, because older women are more likely to see them.
I am another woman who had a 23 year old boyfriend like this in my late teens. Where do all these terrible men come from ? In my case I initially saw sense and dumped him because he was really pressuring me into sex that I wasn’t ready for. Stupidly I let him work his way back in with a sob story a couple of years later. I can only say that I felt really sorry for him, he’d “had such a terrible childhood bla bla bla “ he was extremely good at manipulating people and I had no other boyfriends to compare him to. He alienated me from people who loved me, was jealous and controlling, yet for a while I thought of him as this poor, insecure man. When I finally dumped him properly, (after he had moved in with me by turning up having been evicted, saying he had nowhere else to go) he found another young woman within a few weeks. This was after telling me I was “the only person he would ever love, how could he live without me”
My parents (understandably) hated him, I wasn’t allowed to have him stay , but that was a good thing as I could tell him that my Mum and Dad had said no, rather than having to say no myself. Once I left home and had my own flat, he was able to worm his way back in to my life as I had to stand up for myself, but found it hard to refuse this poor “homeless” man a place to stay. Once in situ he took all my money, controlled me, and eventually became violent, which is when I left him.
Teenagers need to learn the red flags, I obviously deeply regret ever dating that man, it put me off relationships for years afterwards. I was very, very careful who I next dated, and I luckily met my lovely husband.
I remember feeling very embarrassed by how my horrible boyfriend treated my parents, he was smarmy and unconvincing, yet because I was embarrassed I couldn’t admit that to them. It feels so silly now. Why didn’t I just tell them ? I was at that age where I wanted to feel more grown up I think.
Your dd must be inwardly cringing at some of his behaviour. I think you just have to hope that he will cross a line and that she will then see his flaws. Put very clear boundaries in place. Then when he tries to cross it will expose his rudeness and manipulation.
I am racking my brains to think of a film that portrays this type of man, that you could innocently watch with her . She is very young and has no experience, has fallen for his looks and now feels conflicted I imagine.
I partly blame the societal coercive “be kind” that girls are constantly fed. You can see it on this thread too, people saying that you should try to understand this poor lad and his mental health issues ..
Er. No. He is manipulating your daughter. He is a lying little toad. You don’t owe him anything, you just need him out of your dd’s life.
Is there anyone amongst her friends, (or possibly one of her cousins ?) Who would tell her what a loser this man is ? It is easy for young women to get stuck in relationships like this, and hard to get out of them.
Make his time under your roof as uncomfortable as possible, or don’t let him stay at all. Eg say “if J orders another late night take away then he won’t be allowed to stay over again” and stick to it. Or say now that you have had enough, he is manipulative and a creep, and he is banned.

That’s the point isn’t it. There is snobbery here. The issue isn’t the behvaiour it’s him. And she will know that.

You're going to lose her and it’s on you.

And it's always a bitch plop and run. They never come back to defend their vile views.

If being a "snob" is not wanting my daughter's boyfriend to have a conviction for affray, a weed habit, being so lazy I can't be bothered to work more than 15 hours a week, lives sofa surfing, orders takeaways at 3am and shouts at the delivery driver waking the entire household, has already impregnated and dumped one young woman, doesn't want to pay maintenance and doesn't appear to speak to his mother then I'll be a snob thanks. It doesn't offend me.

i encounter many of these individuals in my work, I have no desire for my daughter to encounter one even less form a relationship.

And if people like @niugboo are happy to accept the lowest common denominator for their relationships at least those "men" are less likely to bother the rest of us.

I hate this type of attitude. So because you are able to do something, everyone else should be able to?

This isn't even about the bf now, you've basically just insulted anyone with mental health problems who doesn't work 30-40 hours, because they aren't as strong and great as you. You sound up your own ass tbh. Some people don't even brush their teeth, hair, or shower when they are in depression. Have you not seen the videos of some people going to the hairdresser for the first time since coming out of depression, and their hair has to be cut off because it's just a matted mess that can't be saved? I'm sure they can work 30 hours a week when they don't even have the motivation to brush their hair once a week.

How people go through life only being able to judge by their own standard is beyond me. I have arthritis and I'm only young, but I'd never dream of saying "well I work and I have arthritis so why can't everyone else?" because I'm aware not everybody is the same. You just lack empathy.

OMG your daughter is going to get pregnant!!! He is one of those guys who likes having baby mammas and won’t pay for them either. I have no answer to this except ban him from your house today and make sure she takes her pill.

Can you keep going down this line if thought? Can you take her out for date night type things yourself? Out for lovely dinners, etc and have some quality mum and daughter time which then reinforces what a meagre time she has with him?

Could you also try taking her to a sexual health clinic to get some face to face non-judgemental advice on her contraception methods, given the "revelation" that J hates condoms? ()

Finally, it seems to me that he needs some professional intervention, but unless he's still accessing probation services (?) it sounds like he has none? (Since he has not sought MH help). Could you anonymously ie discretely contact Human Resources at the company they work for and express concern with his MH and imminent risk of homelessness - perhaps they would have a duty of care towards a vulnerable employee to signpost them to housing services or something.

I am rooting for you and your daughter OP, I really am.

If mental health isn't an excuse to not to work, then maybe the DWP should stop assessing people with mental health issues and deciding that they are unable to work? Should we get rid of the ability to be signed off work for mental health issues? Everyone currently who has been told they don't have to work due to their mental health issues should have their claim suspended and forced back in to work?

Because some of the comments on this thread are not just about a lazy waster with no diagnosis, they are also about anyone with a diagnosis who doesn't work due to their symptoms.

At 16 I announced I’d be leaving home as soon as possible to live with my useless, lazy, unpleasant turd of a boyfriend.

At 17, my parents moved him into our house with us.

They. Were. Saints.

Gave me a safe, welcoming space free from lectures/pressure/hostility to work it out for myself. Getting a new job and meeting new people was probably the turning point for me to really work it all out for myself.

I got rid of him when I was 18 (it was probably a looooong 18 months) and they never once said “told you so”.

Not saying that you should move him in OP!

More about making sure your DD is always happy and confident to come to you without embarrassment or judgement. And that continuing with her studies and career will probably help her to get some perspective on this cocklodger in due course.

Her world is currently relatively small and he’s a big part of it. As her world gets bigger, he will get smaller.

yah, admittedly as long as she stays not pregnant!

This is so true.

OP is there anyone else your DD trusts? Her Aussie cousins? Could they be leaned upon to have a chat to her?

You really don't need this. My DD (then an adult teenager, now in her 40's) had a BF like this in her teens, no child fortunately. Eventually we discovered that heavy drugs were being taken in her bedroom and we said he had to go - particularly as I had three younger children. She chose to leave and since then her life has spiralled down. Although she lives independently she now has MH/personality-type problems and is medically unfit for work.

If you can, you need to have a serious talk with her about the implications for her own life of her living with a man who has no intention of getting his life together.

@TheHonourableHonoriaGlossop only I’m literally not but I’m honest about it. I wouldn’t be focusing on take away nonsense and I would have addressed the pregnancy fear head up. But equally I wouldn’t be in the situation because my daughter and I don’t have such a fragile relationship.

I think what the OP is getting at is that she doesn't believe he has real mental health issues, or that he's really tried to work longer hours. You, I imagine, tried your hardest to work a full time job until you had to admit defeat and also have children to look after (which is a full time job in itself!)

I would definitely get your brother to invite her to something very exciting in Australia - no just a two week visit, but a longer stay, maybe a job or study experience if that is at all possible.

dazzle her with possibilities way beyond him (on every level).

OP, would it be an idea to tell your DD that your home is the only place you have where you decompress and relax and having the BF there is uncomfortable as you cannot relax, and therefore he cannot stay over any more or hang out there. You could tell her that although you do not think the relationship is healthy, you respect her right to make her own choices and will support her. They can still see each other for dates etc. It is likely that when the BF is faced with having to spend money to go out with her and his free accommodation option disappears, he may too.

@niugboo you better believe that if my DD was letting a lazy slob drag her down with him I’d be an elite level snob about it.

100%
It takes balls to stand up to an abusive manipulative weed smoking ignorant free loading lazy twat

Can’t you make him sleep on the sofa? I wasn’t allowed my boyfriend to stay overnight til I left home at 18.

There’s been some brilliant advice here and some terrible advice too.
A lot of both.
The most important thing is to calm down and take a step back for a day. Time to stick to what you know for sure and what is likely from experience and not panic to much about some of the extreme catastophizing going on.

J may possibly be evil, coercively controlling violent abusive manipulator and your daughter an abused and innocent child but the reality is somewhere in between.
What you know for sure is that he is a bit of a feckless loser and a useless dad. You know your daughter has had unprotected sex with him. You know he is 5 years older than her. You know you have tried putting her off him to no avail. You know your daughter is letting her coursework slip. You know she is telling you he is coming over and not asking you. You know daughter thinks you are being judgemental and snobby. You know you want the relationship to end but that it’s not your decision. You know that daughter is completely smitten with her good looking boyfriend, first love that she spends many hours with at work. You know he’s estranged from his family and has a minor conviction. You know she wants to study further but stay in your town rather than move away.

Now what is possible . It’s likely that they are both getting stoned and having a great time about it. It’s likely that she will not end up in a heroin addicted hell hole with 7 children and be violently abused by him . It’s likely that the relationship won’t last , she’s 17. Since has definitely had unprotected sex , possible has picked up various STDs. Since she’s forgetful with her pill an un/planned pregnancy is possible. It’s also very likely that her coursework would be suffering working the hours she does, infatuated with a new boyfriend, even if he was a medical student you approved of. The risks of STDs and pregnancy are the same whether hes an aristocrat or a hobo.

Think now what you do have full control over, what you can influence and what you can’t. Think what the absolute priorities are.

That you don’t like him and see that he is an irresponsible no-hoper is needs to be absolutely and entirely irrelevant to your behaviour from her point of view

Even if my 17 yr old was behaving like this with a 22 year old wealthy, charming medical student the whole family adored I would absolutely make top and most immediate priority her health-
1-Well woman clinic- you need to get her to have STD checks , make it known that’s a normal part of being in an adult sexual relationship
2- Pregnancy- exert as much influence as you can to get her on long-term contraception, sell it as she’s in her first adult relationship , it’s a mother daughter bonding and proud of her making adult decisions.
3- Present Studies- target to cut down work hours and time with boyfriend so she can concentrate on her coursework. Absolutely no unannounced overnight guests, who ever it is, no late nights up til 3am after work on school nights, whoever she is with
4-Study future- ecourage travel, work experience, socializing, hobbies. Time with girls her own age. Self esteem building. All the things that will help her see is a bigger world than getting stoned with a lad you fancy.

None of the above involve you moralizing about her bad choice in men. She thinks you are a snob, do not do anything that reinforces that. Make sure is clear this is about her welfare and helping slide her happily and successfully into adulthood and not because the lad she’s horny for isn’t good enough for you. Be confident that you would still prioritize the same things if J was classy enough and be confident that she gets that message loud and clear.

You have amazing parents!