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Original poster

To not want DD’s boyfriend’s child in my house

1000 replies

crostina1 · 19/10/2022 14:27

This happened yesterday and DD doesn’t get why I am annoyed. My 17 year old DD has a new boyfriend of 22 (will call him J) who she met at work. They got together 2 months ago, and it has moved very fast. He only works 15 hours a week and doesn’t do more because of his ‘mental health’. He had a tough upbringing (DD won’t give the details) and isn’t in contact with any of his family. He has a just turned 3 year old son with an ex who he sees once evey few months. He lives in his friend’s family’s spare room but is outstaying his welcome and needs to be out by Christmas. He is making no plans for this whatsoever, I know the place they work would bite his hand off if he asked them for full-time hours, they are very understaffed and he could then he could a bedsit or rent a bedroom. But he will not consider this.

I caught on to what he was doing straight away. He came to stay over one night and stayed for 5, it was obvious he was trying to move in for free accommodation. I put my foot down and said he can only stay 1 night at a time, and no more than 1 night a week as this is our family home and we have DD’s autistic brother to think about, who is unsettled having a stranger in the home. J makes no effort with us at all. DH cooks every night and J never eats it when offered, he gets a takeaway every night, sometimes in the early hours, waking us up. I haven’t ever actually had a conversation with J, he acknowledges me with a nod when he sees me in the house and that’s it. He knows I don’t like him, he is taking advantage of my daughter. He hasn’t once taken my DD out on a date.

They were both off work yesterday. I was aware that he had been allowed a visit with his child, and that DD would be going. DD was very excited to meet his child. I didn’t agree with it, but saying anything would have been futile. I was told they were getting the train to pick him up (child lives in the next town over) going for lunch and to the park and then taking him back to his mum. I finished work early and came home at 3 and opened the door to find the child playing in my hallway, with DD sat in the living room with the door open watching him. J had gone to the shop.

DD hasn’t ever really been around young children, she would haven’t a clue what to do if he’d have had a tantrum and the child was playing next to our heater which was on full blast. I was not at all comfortable with this and read DD the riot act about how this is the first time she has met this child and that it was incredibly inappropriate for J to leave her with him. J was gone for a further half an hour. DD said they went to the park and it was closed off (don’t believe) so J thought it made sense to come here. She said J’s ex (who, I’m told was completely under the impression they WERE at the park/going for lunch and not at mine) is considering letting him have weekly contact and J wants to be able to bring him here as he can’t take him to his mate’s house. I told her in no uncertain terms, no. My house is not a contact centre. DD naively said she thought I’d like it and it’d be like having a grandchild for me.

I had her ring J, find out which shop he was in and then sent her off with the child (who had a pram, thank god as I don’t have a bloody car seat to ferry him about) to meet him so they could take him home.

DD and J don’t get what my problem is. I barely know J. What if something had happened to the child in my house under my DD’s care? In my opinion, taking the child to his new girlfriend’s house when the mother is under the impression they are at the park constitutes a form of low-level abduction, and I wanted no part in the deception.

OP posts:
IVbumble · 21/10/2022 07:22

SemynonA · 20/10/2022 22:12

You are absolutely not unreasonable
However, please be very careful to not follow a lot of the advice given here
I have been your daughter, and I did end up spending 18 years of my life with that man, ruining my life and the ones of my children.

The way to get through to your daughter isn't by lecturing her or even showing her openly what he is.

You daughter wouldn't be with such a man if she didn't have some self-esteem issues. One part of her is aware that he is not a desirable match. Yet most of her brain is telling her that this is all she can get. It's a fear of not having love if it is not for him that keeps her with him.
If you say anything about him, she will bury further the little part of her who is aware of it, out of shame of being able to feel it that you are right and still want him and a need to avoid her own duality.

Once she starts that process, it will be very hard to get her to walk away from it.
Those men know how to prey on young insecure women, and he presented himself as someone else. He might have put pressure on her to have sex, maybe even guilt-tripped her into it by telling her some sad story.
Once he hooked her, he slowly dropped the mask and she will more and more wonder by herself if she should stay. This can be difficult to get to the point to because of the deception and what is a mistake.
Do you know how hard it can be to admit our mistakes? well, imagine when you're about to be an adult and you have to prove your parents are right how bad that would feel?
On top of that, it wasn't a mistake, she was deceived! Her own ego is bruised to not have seen it coming and it's tempting instead to bury herself further into the relationship to pretend it didn't happen. Not to mention the pain, that because of that deception she gave him access to the depth of her intimacy. Again, how tempting it is to just push further than face the truth? Especially if your parents keep showing you they are smarter than you and spotted it straight away?

What your daughter needs is to be given everything to feed her self-worth right now. Compliment her, and discuss with her her bright future.
Do not show her how you feel about him. Pretend that you want to know him. Ask to spend time with him and have a good chat. Show yourself friendly and welcoming to him. Accept the fakeness knowing that you are only biding your time and this is how to get rid of him.

Know that this is a predator, his only skill in life is manipulating, and he has more free time than you to elaborate his plans, so be careful, you are smarter, so use it, but less trained, so don't be cocky.
Know that your daughter needs to stop feeling ashamed of her 'mistake' to move on from it. If you make her feel stupid to have made that mistake she will never admit it (including to herself) and could destroy her life rather than face her own shame and hurt.

She only needs you to make her feel good about herself. If she ever had a special someone you thought was a good person and that she lost or disconnected from, bring them back.

Here are the things you need to do to save her from this predator :

  • make her feel safe and not judged, nor inferior to you by showing her that that you spotted him but she didn't
  • pretend to be friendly and welcoming with him so she doesn't feel like she is antagonising you
  • pretend to be friendly and welcoming with him so he feels safe and you can manipulate the manipulation and get ahead of him
  • highlight your daughter's beauty, intelligence, talent... and how much she could have her pick with any man. Make her feel that losing him isn't losing any chance at romance. Discuss with her what her perfect match is, but without bringing him up, so she can compare by herself in her head her perfect match to him
  • try to involve others in your plan, a potential friend of her who might be worried or that you know she has be seeing less because of her relationship and that you know is a good influence on her. Don't tell them anything about your plan, just make sure to favour their presence. If there is any possibility to invite them over that wouldn't be too weird (if you never talked with any friend of her and didn't want them home then she will sniff the manipulation), then do it.

I'm so sorry to have to tell you those things because it shouldn't have to be this way. You should be able to be honest with your daughter and that's all. Alas, your daughter cannot be honest with herself right now, not without feeling shame and hurt, not without feeling like she was a fool and gave herself to a worthless man because she felt lonely, unlovable, and bought his bullshit.

If you ever make her face that frontally she will hide so she can lick her wounds privately. But you can make her feel good enough about herself for her to face her own hurt and raise herself her own standards.

Hope this can be helpful to you. And please receive my deepest sympathies for you and your daughter to have had such individual entering your lives.

This.

LuckySantangelo35 · 21/10/2022 07:40

Tiapia · 21/10/2022 00:26

Also, speak to her college/sixth form safeguarding lead.

@Tiapia

in reality though what do you think they can do?

beastlyslumber · 21/10/2022 07:45

SemynonA · 20/10/2022 22:12

You are absolutely not unreasonable
However, please be very careful to not follow a lot of the advice given here
I have been your daughter, and I did end up spending 18 years of my life with that man, ruining my life and the ones of my children.

The way to get through to your daughter isn't by lecturing her or even showing her openly what he is.

You daughter wouldn't be with such a man if she didn't have some self-esteem issues. One part of her is aware that he is not a desirable match. Yet most of her brain is telling her that this is all she can get. It's a fear of not having love if it is not for him that keeps her with him.
If you say anything about him, she will bury further the little part of her who is aware of it, out of shame of being able to feel it that you are right and still want him and a need to avoid her own duality.

Once she starts that process, it will be very hard to get her to walk away from it.
Those men know how to prey on young insecure women, and he presented himself as someone else. He might have put pressure on her to have sex, maybe even guilt-tripped her into it by telling her some sad story.
Once he hooked her, he slowly dropped the mask and she will more and more wonder by herself if she should stay. This can be difficult to get to the point to because of the deception and what is a mistake.
Do you know how hard it can be to admit our mistakes? well, imagine when you're about to be an adult and you have to prove your parents are right how bad that would feel?
On top of that, it wasn't a mistake, she was deceived! Her own ego is bruised to not have seen it coming and it's tempting instead to bury herself further into the relationship to pretend it didn't happen. Not to mention the pain, that because of that deception she gave him access to the depth of her intimacy. Again, how tempting it is to just push further than face the truth? Especially if your parents keep showing you they are smarter than you and spotted it straight away?

What your daughter needs is to be given everything to feed her self-worth right now. Compliment her, and discuss with her her bright future.
Do not show her how you feel about him. Pretend that you want to know him. Ask to spend time with him and have a good chat. Show yourself friendly and welcoming to him. Accept the fakeness knowing that you are only biding your time and this is how to get rid of him.

Know that this is a predator, his only skill in life is manipulating, and he has more free time than you to elaborate his plans, so be careful, you are smarter, so use it, but less trained, so don't be cocky.
Know that your daughter needs to stop feeling ashamed of her 'mistake' to move on from it. If you make her feel stupid to have made that mistake she will never admit it (including to herself) and could destroy her life rather than face her own shame and hurt.

She only needs you to make her feel good about herself. If she ever had a special someone you thought was a good person and that she lost or disconnected from, bring them back.

Here are the things you need to do to save her from this predator :

  • make her feel safe and not judged, nor inferior to you by showing her that that you spotted him but she didn't
  • pretend to be friendly and welcoming with him so she doesn't feel like she is antagonising you
  • pretend to be friendly and welcoming with him so he feels safe and you can manipulate the manipulation and get ahead of him
  • highlight your daughter's beauty, intelligence, talent... and how much she could have her pick with any man. Make her feel that losing him isn't losing any chance at romance. Discuss with her what her perfect match is, but without bringing him up, so she can compare by herself in her head her perfect match to him
  • try to involve others in your plan, a potential friend of her who might be worried or that you know she has be seeing less because of her relationship and that you know is a good influence on her. Don't tell them anything about your plan, just make sure to favour their presence. If there is any possibility to invite them over that wouldn't be too weird (if you never talked with any friend of her and didn't want them home then she will sniff the manipulation), then do it.

I'm so sorry to have to tell you those things because it shouldn't have to be this way. You should be able to be honest with your daughter and that's all. Alas, your daughter cannot be honest with herself right now, not without feeling shame and hurt, not without feeling like she was a fool and gave herself to a worthless man because she felt lonely, unlovable, and bought his bullshit.

If you ever make her face that frontally she will hide so she can lick her wounds privately. But you can make her feel good enough about herself for her to face her own hurt and raise herself her own standards.

Hope this can be helpful to you. And please receive my deepest sympathies for you and your daughter to have had such individual entering your lives.

This is such an excellent, insightful comment.

SemynonA, I'm sorry that you had to go through such hell to gain this wisdom.

Bemyclementine · 21/10/2022 07:46

Have a conversation with your daughter about pregnancy. Suggest she get the implant and that then he can continue to stay over. Next time he comes round, haveva conversation with him. Its ridiculous that he won't talk to you . Again, say you are providing him with a place to stay once a week but you expect him to behave in a normal manner abd follow your household rules. No late night takeaways, and basic bloody manners!

niugboo · 21/10/2022 07:58

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/10/2022 08:22

I also was someone, who didn’t think I could get anyone better. I had a lot of self esteem issues and let much older men treat me like shit from age 16. I then had a boyfriend of a similar age to me, who tried to treat me well at 19 and it didn’t work out. I finally met dh, who is also of a similar age and we had a lot of issues, especially at the beginning. It’s worked out ok in the end and we’ve had some great times together. I’ve had a lot of therapy and there is a lot of love on both sides. We also have a wonderful dd.

I want my dd’s journey to be a lot easier. She seems to have good boundaries at 14 but the boyfriend thing hasn’t yet appeared. One thing I have always taught her is to be kind to herself if she is treated badly. For example, when she was little and there were friendship issues and her best friend didn’t invite her to her party, I took her to build a bear as that was her ultimate currency.

What is your dd’s ultimate currency right now? If there is something you could do together and when you’re there and having such a good time, can you say things like ‘It looks like you’re having a good time today, me too. You’re such good company. Maybe we or you and your friends could do something like this more often’. Do you ever talk about feelings? I do with my dd and she does so many things she loves doing. It sounds like this is not the case with ‘I see you’re sad sometimes, please be kind to yourself’, ‘ I love you very much and am just checking in to remind you to love yourself’, ‘I get sad and I do x to give myself love’. Or speak about your life experiences Maybe therapy would help her? I think perhaps it it could also help you?

As you have a 10 yo ds with additional needs, maybe you weren’t able to be there as much as you would have liked in these teen years? Would something like a weekly meal out together ritual help? Or is there a hobby you could take up that isn’t too time consuming? Eg Physical? Ski lessons once a month. Crafty? A workshop for making something etc.

As I have an only dd in year 10, she’s had my undivided attention. I understand 17 and 14 are very different ages. But I take dd to a lot of activities, chat with her friends about boundaries. I even talk about mumsnet stuff. I’ll possibly slip your dd’s experiences into a conversation at some stage as in ‘a girl from when I was at school’, especially if I’m with one of her friends, who has self esteem issues and thinks the answer is throwing herself at every boy. She did something low level silly and it needed a bit of a mum conversation to talk about boundaries (but her mum can’t handle it as she keeps saying she wasn’t like that etc), I told the girl I used to be the same to help her understand life can change. Yeh I’m that cringey mum. However, her friends know to come to me if they need help or advice and a couple have.

Are there any trusted figures, who could talk to your dd?

TheHonourableHonoriaGlossop · 21/10/2022 08:25

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I've read some drivel over the years on MN, this being one of the most ridiculous comments

LuckySantangelo35 · 21/10/2022 08:26

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

@niugboo

lol in what way has op been aggressive?

Original poster
crostina1 · 21/10/2022 08:26

@niugboo.

fuck off

OP posts:
Boo1321 · 21/10/2022 08:34

“If he was a uni student on route to being a doctor working late ordering take aways would you feel the same?”

That changes the dynamic completely. There are some complete imbeciles on this site, and every day I can’t believe people with this sort of critical thinking/ reasoning skills actually exist and vote.

The waster OP is dealing with has a had a kid at 19, no job, “mental health” needs yet does nothing to help himself, instead leaving the people around him picking up the pieces. Doesn’t have a flat of his own, and is sleeping round some random friends house. On top of that he’s sleeping with a teenaged child while taking the piss with their parents. If this happened with my daughter I’d be calling the police due to him taking advantage and grooming my child. And people like the commenter read all this and it just doesn’t sink in. It’s ridiculous.

Experiencednester · 21/10/2022 08:34

Bravo to you! I'm a long way down this road & sadly doesn't get better. Boundaries & hard rules whilst young enough to impose are vital here. Yes we all (well mostly) had that 1st love bad boy that seemed exciting & grown up, but we grew up right & knew what's best. Sadly my DD'S BF now sits on her sofa all day rent free, playing PS whilst she works hard with her career. Good luck!

Chickenwing2 · 21/10/2022 08:35

OP you need to realise your daughter is part of the issue here. It sounds like she has zero respect for you. To text and announce hes coming to stay without asking? That is so cheeky, and you should have responded no. You are enabling this relationship.

TheHonourableHonoriaGlossop · 21/10/2022 08:36

@Boo1321
i have often thought that a lot of posters on this site would have benefitted from the online classes set for their children over the pandemic given many posters' lack of basic reading and comprehension skills.

LuckySantangelo35 · 21/10/2022 08:40

Chickenwing2 · 21/10/2022 08:35

OP you need to realise your daughter is part of the issue here. It sounds like she has zero respect for you. To text and announce hes coming to stay without asking? That is so cheeky, and you should have responded no. You are enabling this relationship.

this!

she’s got a brass neck and needs to learn some respect for her parents and her parents house - it is NOT her house!

Original poster
crostina1 · 21/10/2022 08:45

of course I’d be different if he was a fucking student doctor studying, doing full time placements and also working on top of it hence meeting my daughter.

Jesus fucking christ, how thick can you be?

OP posts:
Edda09 · 21/10/2022 08:45

Could you try tactic of looking to DD as if trying to help him? Saying, for example, that he shouldn’t eat takeaways all the time as not good for him? Eating healthily is better, and even more so eating WITH a ‘supportive’ family together? If you DD tries to suggest this to him maybe he’ll show he’s not interested?

Original poster
crostina1 · 21/10/2022 08:47

I still wouldn’t be happy if he was asking DD for money but in every other sense, it’d be completely different.

OP posts:
Asking22 · 21/10/2022 08:48

Chickenwing2 · 21/10/2022 08:35

OP you need to realise your daughter is part of the issue here. It sounds like she has zero respect for you. To text and announce hes coming to stay without asking? That is so cheeky, and you should have responded no. You are enabling this relationship.

Have to agree with this. There is a line between trying to keep her onside and letting her walk over you. She is putting herself above you and the needs of everyone in the house.

Bigbadfish · 21/10/2022 09:14

After that message I think you do need to grow a but of a spine for your daughter. She is walking all over you. And that's on you.

Tiapia · 21/10/2022 09:15

Literally any other neutral adult who’s speaks to OP’s daughter and helps her realise this is not a healthy relationship or a quality partner and she is effectively being groomed and vulnerable to abuse will have far more weight than OP saying these things.

Individuals like this man love to manipulate their victim into thinking that family/friends who don’t approve are in the wrong and spiteful/jealous etc. which pushes them further away from the people who care about them.

piffle123 · 21/10/2022 09:16

This thread has really made me think about my DD 15 and her self esteem.

She is so desperate to have a boyfriend (apparently ALL her friends do Hmm) that IMO she will consider any boy who gives her the time day and some of them have been vile to her..

She is bright, funny and beautiful; has a great group of friends and has career plans, but to me only feels validated if a boy is paying her attention.
Am thinking its a mix of self esteem issues and peer pressure but it's so sad. She is regularly heartbroken but just wants to find the next "one"

Sorry to derail, reading your post OP suddenly gave me a glimpse into the future

Herejustforthisone · 21/10/2022 09:20

There are some complete imbeciles on this site, and every day I can’t believe people with this sort of critical thinking/ reasoning skills actually exist and vote.

😆 I think this every single time I’m on here. I wonder what their lives must look like.

YouShouldBeDancingYeah · 21/10/2022 09:21

Hi @crostina1 I am so, so sorry you are going through this. Because 30 years ago I was your DD. And I know I put my mother through hell. I was 17, he was 27 and divorced with two very young DD. I thought I was oh so grown up…and in reality was probably rebelling as my parents were going through a really acrimonious divorce. Nevertheless it does not excuse my behaviour. My DM got tough…she said she couldn’t stop me seeing him as I was above the age of consent. But she said…her house, her rules. Or I could leave. I had a strict 10pm curfew and my bf was not allowed within 200ft of her house! Which of course meant that were drinking (and having sex) in parks and fields which I thought was terribly exciting (I shudder to think of it now!) My schoolwork also suffered and I went from a straight A student to a very mediocre one. I did get the grades I needed for university by the skin of my teeth and I dumped bf in my first year as I realised people my own age were far more fun. He just wanted me to finish Uni so we could “get married and have babies” which was probably a way of him trapping me although I didn’t realise it then. However I was in no mind to quit and have kids…I hope your dd will “grow out of him” as I did. You’re a great mum and I hope you can help her through this.

Mamoun · 21/10/2022 09:28

YANBU

I wouldn't let my 17 yo daughter have a man to stay. A long term boyfriend her age maybe.

My parents didn't let me have anyone to stay (actually I didn't even dare ask) until way later and it didn't prevent me to have a healthy sex life. It would happen at my bf's home or mine when parents were working, staying somewhere at weekends... it mades these moments soooo special. anyway what I mean is that 17 is too young to have someone "move in" like an adult.

Slightly going away from subject but, without alienating your daughter, ban him. And make sure she makes better choices in the future if you can!

pinkyredrose · 21/10/2022 09:28

Did you allow him to stay last night?

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