To not want DD’s boyfriend’s child in my house

[crostina1]

This happened yesterday and DD doesn’t get why I am annoyed. My 17 year old DD has a new boyfriend of 22 (will call him J) who she met at work. They got together 2 months ago, and it has moved very fast. He only works 15 hours a week and doesn’t do more because of his ‘mental health’. He had a tough upbringing (DD won’t give the details) and isn’t in contact with any of his family. He has a just turned 3 year old son with an ex who he sees once evey few months. He lives in his friend’s family’s spare room but is outstaying his welcome and needs to be out by Christmas. He is making no plans for this whatsoever, I know the place they work would bite his hand off if he asked them for full-time hours, they are very understaffed and he could then he could a bedsit or rent a bedroom. But he will not consider this.

I caught on to what he was doing straight away. He came to stay over one night and stayed for 5, it was obvious he was trying to move in for free accommodation. I put my foot down and said he can only stay 1 night at a time, and no more than 1 night a week as this is our family home and we have DD’s autistic brother to think about, who is unsettled having a stranger in the home. J makes no effort with us at all. DH cooks every night and J never eats it when offered, he gets a takeaway every night, sometimes in the early hours, waking us up. I haven’t ever actually had a conversation with J, he acknowledges me with a nod when he sees me in the house and that’s it. He knows I don’t like him, he is taking advantage of my daughter. He hasn’t once taken my DD out on a date.

They were both off work yesterday. I was aware that he had been allowed a visit with his child, and that DD would be going. DD was very excited to meet his child. I didn’t agree with it, but saying anything would have been futile. I was told they were getting the train to pick him up (child lives in the next town over) going for lunch and to the park and then taking him back to his mum. I finished work early and came home at 3 and opened the door to find the child playing in my hallway, with DD sat in the living room with the door open watching him. J had gone to the shop.

DD hasn’t ever really been around young children, she would haven’t a clue what to do if he’d have had a tantrum and the child was playing next to our heater which was on full blast. I was not at all comfortable with this and read DD the riot act about how this is the first time she has met this child and that it was incredibly inappropriate for J to leave her with him. J was gone for a further half an hour. DD said they went to the park and it was closed off (don’t believe) so J thought it made sense to come here. She said J’s ex (who, I’m told was completely under the impression they WERE at the park/going for lunch and not at mine) is considering letting him have weekly contact and J wants to be able to bring him here as he can’t take him to his mate’s house. I told her in no uncertain terms, no. My house is not a contact centre. DD naively said she thought I’d like it and it’d be like having a grandchild for me.

I had her ring J, find out which shop he was in and then sent her off with the child (who had a pram, thank god as I don’t have a bloody car seat to ferry him about) to meet him so they could take him home.

DD and J don’t get what my problem is. I barely know J. What if something had happened to the child in my house under my DD’s care? In my opinion, taking the child to his new girlfriend’s house when the mother is under the impression they are at the park constitutes a form of low-level abduction, and I wanted no part in the deception.

Even DD has tried to get him to eat the food that’s in the house because when he orders the takeaways he pushes her to order something too, I think this is so that he can manipulate her into paying for it.

I wouldn’t be surprised if she payed for the child’s lunch the other day

Could you get in touch with the places he orders from and say that they can't deliver to your house anymore unless they specifically speak to you? Voluntarily put yourself on a black list?

Depends on where you live as there are only 5 places that deliver to us so it's easy to speak to them. Would be trickier in a city

He happily takes £30 off a 17 year old?
How many hours does she work to earn that?
Why can't he get the bus?

I would ban him from your house, you have worked hard for your house and deserve the privacy and peace. If your daughter did decide to go dossing with him somewhere she will get to see how unpleasant life can be, she can then chose as your door is always open to her. Tough love.

She's only 17 and used to quite a lot of creature comforts I suspect if she thinks nothing of spaffing her money on him. If you ban him from the house a) she will probably quickly tire of trying to snog him in the park/shag at a friend's house b) he will realise he's not on to a free place to stay.

If you still give her any kind of pocket money, I'd also think about stopping that unless she promises to stop funding him.

Look I have dated many hopeless men too back in my teens/early twenties. If my parents had been clear that they didn't want them at the house that would certainly have helped put me off them.

If he's welcome at the house (even tacitly) he can make her feel like they are/should be living together.

Another poster who here who had an unsuitable relationship.

Met him at 15, pretended I was 17, in a pub when I was supposedly at the cinema. Can't remember how my parents found out, but I was grounded for the forseeable. Hence, I used to sneak out of the house at 1am, walk 2 miles to his flat (it was a council flat he shared with a group of equally grim friends) and then sneak back before everyone got up. Not being terribly bright, I made a note of all this in my diary - duh!

Cut a long story short, eventually they, my parents, thawed out re me seeing him although it had been about 2 years at this point (I suspect the heavy handedness was part of the appeal at first, I was rebelling) and once I left school and went to college I started to realise quite what a loser he was. I dumped him three months after starting 6 form college. I realised he would not mix with the new friends I was making, had limited interests, wasn't very clever but was also rather cocky. He also could be quite rude to me, and semi possessive ("why would anyone want you, you look a mess' etc) and I realised that not only was this awful behaviour to me, but also how embarrassed I would be if anyone realised.

What did it for me was opening up my horizon's at college (I did an art and drama foundation course) and meeting new and interesting people (rather than stoners who lived in run down bedsits) and going out and basically enjoying myself. I never did that with him, he only had money for a few days each fortnight via his Giro and for a while we also didn't go anywhere much at all as he had a warrant for his arrest (I think - memories are hazy) for non payment of fines for pre-me when he was arrested for pissing in the street.

Like other posters, I think the way forward is to try and feign interest him and not risk pushing her away by being the villain. You'll have the added bonus of him hating that so hopefully showing his true colours more obviously sooner. Also, get her out and mixing with her friends, their boyfriends and basically all the normal stuff she should be doing at her age.

And, my god yes, do whatever you can to convince her to have an implant!

Good luck - I wish all the best! xx

OP I'm curious if you've had talks with your DD about bad men, dating, and cocklodgers in the past?

In what world would he not give that money back once he couldn't use it to see his son?! Your daughter is very understanding OP, surely even she wondered when she'd be getting that back?

In the past I've leant boyfriends hundreds that I didn't get back. Yes I thought it was horrible but I "loved" them and they always seemed to have a reason for why they needed it and then couldn't pay it back. When you are "in love" you forgive and overlook and explain away a lot. Doesn't seem unrealistic to me. Some people take less shit than others and can cut people off easier. 1

I have found in my experience growing up around women who have dated abusive men left and right the only thing left to do is to let them. The more you fight it the more they dig in their heels and defend the situation. It’s best to allow them to come to their own conclusions that the relationship is not healthy. She’s going to learn a lot of hard lessons that can’t be taught with words, only through experiences, from this man.

Although I am surprised. Is this not legally statutory rape in the UK? I’m guessing the age of consent might be 16/17 then. This is really creepy that he is preying on such a young girl regardless of what the law is. I wonder if his ex was young also.

It is really frustrating to watch the people you love get into these toxic relationships but the best way to protect them is to provide them a safe home and safe environment where they can be open and talk about their feelings.

Interesting comment…

@DaughterofDawn the age of consent in the UK is 16.

Thanks. That explains the situation.

Take away at 3am = the munchies

I would be having a conversation with that lad.
I would certainly be telling him not to order any more takeaways to your home as it disrupts the whole household and that is very inconsiderate of him. It stops now.
Keep talking to your daughter. Keep asking questions about him, his child, his job, his past. Hopefully through her answers something will hit home with her and she will realise she is being taken for a ridE.

I've read all of your posts OP but I cant figure out what your husband, the father of your child, thinks about this person? The one who has sex in the next room with his child. The one who doesn't talk to anyone else who lives there, the one who disrespect the whole household by waking them up in the middle of the night. The one who takes money off his child to waste it.

Wheres your husbands voice in all this? Because if your DH isn't that bothered about J or think its fine then you have a DH problem too, which might explain your daughters behaviour as to why she's rolling over. Its learnt behaviour.

The more I think about this situation, the more I feel that the ONLY two things in the long run that are going to matter here, is that the daughter doesn't get pregnant or develop a class A habit (and so far we've heard nothing to suggest the latter).

Ideally she'd dump J tonight etc etc. Realistically she's only going to do that when she chooses to do so and there may be many rocky dips and turns along the way.

She might fall out with her parents. She might move out. She might give up her college dreams. But all of these things are resolvable. That's one great thing about educational opportunities these days -- doors don't slam shut at 16, never to be opened again. And if she moves out to live with him, she'll eventually get tired of living hand to mouth in some scummy flat, and want out.

But you can't send a baby back-- so as long as she doesn't get pregnant, then maybe the rest just has to pan out as it will?

She might get one hell of an STD from this waster too. That could affect the rest of her life.

Holy crap. Was that not enough for her to see that he's a wrong 'un? Has he paid her back?
Why would he see his kid then and risk bringing back covid?

Show your daughter this thread - I'd be terrified that she gets stuck with this loser, raising his kid & getting pregnant herself
Stick to your guns 🤞🏻

He should have returned the money that she loaned him.

Can I suggest a bit of a role play when she is in the room with you and your DH (but when J isn't around)?

You ask your DH for money back that you loaned him. He replies with "Of course crostina, here is your money back that you loaned me" and she sees how a healthy relationship should function.
Then a while later (could be a few hours or even a few days) you could have a chat with your DD asking her if J ever gave her back the money she loaned him.
I'd even go so far as to point out to her that her £30 works out at X number of hours that she worked and if she realised this. Sometimes in the minds of teenagers, money doesn't always equal the amount of time or effort that has gone in to earn it.

I would be bringing her to a clinic to make sure that he hasn't given her any sort of STD.

So, elaborating on the £30 after further speaking to DD:

1. DD works 25 hours a week on £9 so makes a nice little bit for her age.
2. The child lives in the next town over and we are quite a rural reigon anyway so there isn’t really a bus, it’s a train which he doesn’t like to use. Admittedly the trains are shite but tough luck. If you can’t afford taxis you use them, everybody here has to until they can drive and he can’t be arsed learning to do that either.
3. After saying he wasn’t visiting the child he went on about how he can’t even afford to feed himself bla bla bla hence DD not feeling comfortable asking for it back