To not want DD’s boyfriend’s child in my house

[crostina1]

This happened yesterday and DD doesn’t get why I am annoyed. My 17 year old DD has a new boyfriend of 22 (will call him J) who she met at work. They got together 2 months ago, and it has moved very fast. He only works 15 hours a week and doesn’t do more because of his ‘mental health’. He had a tough upbringing (DD won’t give the details) and isn’t in contact with any of his family. He has a just turned 3 year old son with an ex who he sees once evey few months. He lives in his friend’s family’s spare room but is outstaying his welcome and needs to be out by Christmas. He is making no plans for this whatsoever, I know the place they work would bite his hand off if he asked them for full-time hours, they are very understaffed and he could then he could a bedsit or rent a bedroom. But he will not consider this.

I caught on to what he was doing straight away. He came to stay over one night and stayed for 5, it was obvious he was trying to move in for free accommodation. I put my foot down and said he can only stay 1 night at a time, and no more than 1 night a week as this is our family home and we have DD’s autistic brother to think about, who is unsettled having a stranger in the home. J makes no effort with us at all. DH cooks every night and J never eats it when offered, he gets a takeaway every night, sometimes in the early hours, waking us up. I haven’t ever actually had a conversation with J, he acknowledges me with a nod when he sees me in the house and that’s it. He knows I don’t like him, he is taking advantage of my daughter. He hasn’t once taken my DD out on a date.

They were both off work yesterday. I was aware that he had been allowed a visit with his child, and that DD would be going. DD was very excited to meet his child. I didn’t agree with it, but saying anything would have been futile. I was told they were getting the train to pick him up (child lives in the next town over) going for lunch and to the park and then taking him back to his mum. I finished work early and came home at 3 and opened the door to find the child playing in my hallway, with DD sat in the living room with the door open watching him. J had gone to the shop.

DD hasn’t ever really been around young children, she would haven’t a clue what to do if he’d have had a tantrum and the child was playing next to our heater which was on full blast. I was not at all comfortable with this and read DD the riot act about how this is the first time she has met this child and that it was incredibly inappropriate for J to leave her with him. J was gone for a further half an hour. DD said they went to the park and it was closed off (don’t believe) so J thought it made sense to come here. She said J’s ex (who, I’m told was completely under the impression they WERE at the park/going for lunch and not at mine) is considering letting him have weekly contact and J wants to be able to bring him here as he can’t take him to his mate’s house. I told her in no uncertain terms, no. My house is not a contact centre. DD naively said she thought I’d like it and it’d be like having a grandchild for me.

I had her ring J, find out which shop he was in and then sent her off with the child (who had a pram, thank god as I don’t have a bloody car seat to ferry him about) to meet him so they could take him home.

DD and J don’t get what my problem is. I barely know J. What if something had happened to the child in my house under my DD’s care? In my opinion, taking the child to his new girlfriend’s house when the mother is under the impression they are at the park constitutes a form of low-level abduction, and I wanted no part in the deception.

My DM had a posh friend whose convent educated daughter (a few years older than me) had a kid by a chancer like this and the posh friend was left holding the baby (daughter became an addict).

DM told me to live my life how I wanted but if there was a baby there was no way DM was bringing up the baby. Another of DM’s friends dragged her daughters to a Brook clinic for contraception and told them she wouldn’t be raising any babies either!

What an awful situation, is there anyone at her uni you can reach out to?

Yes - read the entire thread thinking "give her a gap year, or a chance to travel abroad (without him) - Australia is a great option. Was going to suggest making it her Xmas present (unless the 18th birthday comes first) cos then she could go there for at least a month, during their summer, and not miss too much school/college. And yes to the implant too!

Sorry if I'm repeating, only read OPs posts, but have you done a Claire's Law OP?

Even before you said about the affray he was ringing alarm bells for me.

I think you’re making it too obvious to both of them that you don’t like him. I’m not saying you should take him under your wing and move him in, but if you started killing him with kindness so to speak they might be less rebellious

Surely at this stage it has to be worth a try. The last thing you want is your DD to stop talking to you and feeling that you’re unsupportive

How do I know this? I was in your DD’s situation. Bigger age gap and older children but I was there. I ended up marrying him, although we are now divorced. If my parents had banned him from the house I’d have just gone out to see him. I did choose him over my family because he totally reeled me in. It might just be if you’re nice to him, see him as part of the family, it might just all blow over anyway. But your DD might just go all stubborn if you keep going in all hell blazing

Yes - I did say ‘at the very least’! Personally I would go to this though now, as on the brink says - he’s done this too many times. OP, this is your house and he’s taken the proverbial.

YANBU. I would not stand for this at all. Your DD is still young, she will realise eventually but you need to give her a helping hand right now.

For context: I was 20 and met a guy on holiday. When we got home, after a week he turned up on my doorstep with a suitcase. I was stupid, I let him stay (had my own little studio flat). He didn't have a job and always seemed to sponge off his parents, who were absolutely lovely. (He also has a 5 yer old son, who I adored - he lived with his lovely mum). It transpired that he was in fact a heroin addict! He stole my clothes, shoes, jewellery, electronic items, even once my bank card after convincing me to change my PIN number. I was incredibly naive. I need up moving up to London to stay with his family as I thought I could change him. I continued to work to pay the bills and sometimes never noticed things missing till it was too late. In the end we had a massive fight and he lunged at me with a massive carving knife, this we after he's tried to keep me prisoner in my one home and hit me a few times. I ended up taking him to court and after that never saw him again. I got myself a new flat and made inroads to put him behind me. Im so glad I did. Show your daughter this by all means, the guy I'm speaking off was 5 years older than me and very manipulative as this boyfriend sounds.

@crostina1 I would try and get her to get the implant at least, I got pregnant on the pill and near enough everyone I know who has had a baby have been on the pill when they got pregnant(I consider it more a period regulator/stopper) the jags not that reliable either, know a few who got pregnant on that to.

I thought this too - teenagers will often give more credence to peers or an adult that is slightly 'removed' (such as a teacher or group leader).

Do you know any of her female friends well enough to have a very discreet 'off the record' chat with?

I wonder if there's something more in this. Having grown up in a safe environment, both your daughter and the OP's have lead relatively sheltered lives, blissfully unaware of how men can fuck them over.

Could you get the cousin to invite her to Oz? Or maybe to mention her own relationships/ask about DDs boyfriend if she is a trusted slightly older teen?

Admittedly not sure how you do this without it being clear you were involved but maybe the cousin would be an ally if she is a young woman with her head screwed on?

I think there could well be something to it.

Hence I do tell my girls that all men are not like their father and a lot of them are selfish fxxkers!

I must admit I only started that having read some of the tales on MN!

I was a bit naive and sheltered myself although I didn't realise it.

No, you can't drag her kicking and sceaming but maybe you could sell her on the idea of a contraceptive method that doesn't need daily thinking about.

And as another way of her having active control over her body and her life. Where she can choose the timing and right circumstances to have a baby. It gives her time to be out enjoying her life, following her dreams and fulfilling her potential.

I'd definitely go down the australia route. What have you got to lose? try and make it for a month. That will be enough time for her to see whats actually out there in the world. She'll have an amazing time with her cousins, and may even make friends there and see how relationships should actually work.
You can research it all with her before she goes, look at places nearby that would be amazing to visit. Or better yet, see if she'll do a year there travelling and working. when shes back, if she enjoyed it you could then let her know she could do a year there before uni. There are companies (I think gap360) who help with accomodation, finding jobs, and put on loads of social events in their first week or two when they arrive. That should get his grips off her.

When is her birthday? Could it be tied in with this? If he useless BF tries to stop her going, you can use the whole 'why wouldn't he want you to have this amazing opportunity?' 'So he says its because he'll miss you, but we'll miss you dd, but because we love you, we'd never get in the way of an opportunity like this. that would be incredibly selfish'.

And lets hope she hasn't already spent her savings on this waste of space.

I like @Azandme s idea. Definitely get her cousins on board - if she is chatting to them they can rev her up and get her excited. She might be more likely to listen to them if they say things like “of course J will be so excited for you - that’s what boyfriend do, support you!”

If the cousins have boyfriends, can they also talk to her about contraception and how they prefer the implant, so much less hassle, go on get one, it will make your life so much easier etc.

Id actually use every ally you can. Any friends of yours she gets in well with, ask them over and allow her to overhear them talking to you about someone they know who is giving up their dreams for a man, etc etc. Might make her think.

And definitely lay down house rules. And look after yourself

I think you need a reinforcement fun trip to the city with the great course, finding all the student hangouts and enthusing her.

This could be a good ploy. If the invitation comes from her cousins (without them letting on that they know anything about the current situation) and they go strong on the 'only two weeks' out of your life angle if DD is reluctant to accept.

If J really cared for DD he wouldn't begrudge her this fantastic opportunity and if he did it might set the seed of doubt in her mind along with some gentle thought provoking assistance from you along the lines of 'why wouldn't he want the best for you?' He might come up with some BS line like he wants to go there with her and he'll take her himself one day, blah blah blah... Or he can't be without her for two weeks - showing himself for the selfish arse he is. I don't think any opportunity to break the bond should be discounted.

Wishing you all the best.

He's not 'somebody' he's her Dad.

He's allowed to take her to someone's house.

ideally he wouldn't have left her & fucked iff to the shops, but your DD, is presumably safe enough & not about to run off with her.

OP knows that her dd is safe, but would the mum of this 3yo be happy knowing her ex left her son with a 17yo girl he's been dating for 8 weeks?

And it doesn't even sound as if 3yo was safe with dd. The child was left to play near a heater. If he's placed his hand on it he could have burnt himself.

@crostina1
clearly you just want an echo chamber.

the child wasn't illegally removed from her parents.

so what WEIRD interpretation of 'Abduction' are you using???

Another angle to subtly sell maybe is to reminisce on all the benefits of a loving and stable home that DD and DS have enjoyed and feed into that same aspiration for her for her own children. With all the economic and social upheaval we're seeing in the news at the moment you can't help but wonder at how as stable and sound a start in life is going to be so important for the next generation.

No advice, but you're doing your best, well done.

This too.

Can you bring her (and possibly friend/cousin) to the university city that she was interested in? Give them some beer money and let them off on a night on the town? What types of takeaways? bring them for a meal in the equivalent restaurant eg pizzeria, indian or chinese. This might show her what she is missing.

Also, he lacks discipline, so can you provoke him to lose his cool and demonstrate his bad side to her?