To not want DD’s boyfriend’s child in my house

[crostina1]

This happened yesterday and DD doesn’t get why I am annoyed. My 17 year old DD has a new boyfriend of 22 (will call him J) who she met at work. They got together 2 months ago, and it has moved very fast. He only works 15 hours a week and doesn’t do more because of his ‘mental health’. He had a tough upbringing (DD won’t give the details) and isn’t in contact with any of his family. He has a just turned 3 year old son with an ex who he sees once evey few months. He lives in his friend’s family’s spare room but is outstaying his welcome and needs to be out by Christmas. He is making no plans for this whatsoever, I know the place they work would bite his hand off if he asked them for full-time hours, they are very understaffed and he could then he could a bedsit or rent a bedroom. But he will not consider this.

I caught on to what he was doing straight away. He came to stay over one night and stayed for 5, it was obvious he was trying to move in for free accommodation. I put my foot down and said he can only stay 1 night at a time, and no more than 1 night a week as this is our family home and we have DD’s autistic brother to think about, who is unsettled having a stranger in the home. J makes no effort with us at all. DH cooks every night and J never eats it when offered, he gets a takeaway every night, sometimes in the early hours, waking us up. I haven’t ever actually had a conversation with J, he acknowledges me with a nod when he sees me in the house and that’s it. He knows I don’t like him, he is taking advantage of my daughter. He hasn’t once taken my DD out on a date.

They were both off work yesterday. I was aware that he had been allowed a visit with his child, and that DD would be going. DD was very excited to meet his child. I didn’t agree with it, but saying anything would have been futile. I was told they were getting the train to pick him up (child lives in the next town over) going for lunch and to the park and then taking him back to his mum. I finished work early and came home at 3 and opened the door to find the child playing in my hallway, with DD sat in the living room with the door open watching him. J had gone to the shop.

DD hasn’t ever really been around young children, she would haven’t a clue what to do if he’d have had a tantrum and the child was playing next to our heater which was on full blast. I was not at all comfortable with this and read DD the riot act about how this is the first time she has met this child and that it was incredibly inappropriate for J to leave her with him. J was gone for a further half an hour. DD said they went to the park and it was closed off (don’t believe) so J thought it made sense to come here. She said J’s ex (who, I’m told was completely under the impression they WERE at the park/going for lunch and not at mine) is considering letting him have weekly contact and J wants to be able to bring him here as he can’t take him to his mate’s house. I told her in no uncertain terms, no. My house is not a contact centre. DD naively said she thought I’d like it and it’d be like having a grandchild for me.

I had her ring J, find out which shop he was in and then sent her off with the child (who had a pram, thank god as I don’t have a bloody car seat to ferry him about) to meet him so they could take him home.

DD and J don’t get what my problem is. I barely know J. What if something had happened to the child in my house under my DD’s care? In my opinion, taking the child to his new girlfriend’s house when the mother is under the impression they are at the park constitutes a form of low-level abduction, and I wanted no part in the deception.

Hi OP. Have you thought about discussing with one of her close friends and testing their attitude to the relationship?

Maybe they can be of help by inviting her out more often, voicing their own concerns and showing her up close what she is missing out on ?

You need all the allies you can get.

A very wise lady said to me once that you always need to leave a route out of 'bad behaviour ' for your kids. A graceful exit that they can take without anyone saying 'I told you do'. Your job (and that of her mates) is to heavily signpost that exit and stand there with arms open and a bottle of bubbly on ice, ready to enjoy together once she's out of this horrible situation.

I really wish you good luck.

Would bribery work? Literally offer her money to get the implant? I’d be so desperate I’d do that.

My first proper boyfriend at 19 was a total loser too. He was the same age as me though. His own family hated him, he didn’t have a single friend and he couldn’t hold down a job. I thought he was madly in love with me but he just needed someone to shag, get money from and help him organise his life for him.

i eventually dumped him because I got a job with lots of people my own age and started to go out a lot with them and he couldn’t stand it. He stalked me after I broke it off.

My poor mum told me years later that she would literally weep with relief if she saw blood stained undies or sheets in the laundry, she was so terrified I would get pregnant. I grew up ok and certainly never tolerated anything like him ever again.

good luck to you x

Her dad tried to have a fatherly talk with her about how a boyfriend should treat her, he thought that it’d get through to her better coming from him as a male (in the sense that he can read the BF better than me as a man). She bit his head of and said we are nasty snobs who think our family is too good for him.

😔 I'm sorry to hear that @crostina1. If it helps, my dh had a similar conversation with our dd. He still has the text she sent afterwards thanking him for his wisdom. Didn't make a bit of difference, now he's an abusive demon in her stories. Her friends also told her it was all wrong, she didn't listen to them either.

I would do something drastic rather than watch her ruin her life over this tosser.

And when he keeps coming back for more money...?

Oh OP i am so sorry you have to go through this. I dont really have much to say to help. There is no right way of dealing with the situation.
i feel sorry for my mom now. Reading your story reminded me of myself who left my country at 19 and left a law university i just got into because i met “love of my life” while working abroad during summer. He took 6 years of my life. Best years. Literally when i think of it now i wish my parents kidnap me back to my country and lock me in the garage until i am over him! It was a nightmare. But have some faith in her. Hopefully she will eventually see something is not right. I am in my 30s now, with a great husband my parents love and a toddler.
everything will be alright. have faith in yourself. I am sure you showed her how relationships should look like and she will get it eventually

Surely you have a good enough rapport with your DD to sit her down for a talk. Explain to her that the BF can't stay in the house because of the disruption he is causing with your DC, and also the midnight food orders. He can come over for the evening once a week, not for a shag, but just being a nice BF, and if she wants to see him more often, BF will have to arrange a love nest. Tell her that this is non-negotiable. She needs to make a decision. It's really not yours to make, other than to say that it doesn't work to have him move in. She thinks she's old enough to be adult, then tell her that she can move in with him if that's her choice, but that they have to become a self-sufficient couple, no handouts, no rent-paying from you, and certainly, to think very carefully about how she will pay her way and raise a child as a consequence of her actions. You cannot be held in reserve as a full-time child minder. She has never faced reality, has been sheltered, as expected, of course, but will need now to confront the harsh facts of life. I cannot imagine how terrible this all is for you, OP, and you have my sympathy and support.

He sounds like he’s a hobo sexual

@TeaAndJaffacakes

Thanks for saying that people with MH problems don't deserve relationships.
Good of you.

You are not being unreasonable, stay firm and don't let this cock lodger move into your house, even if you daughter threatens to leave, let her go she will so come running back.
1000% keep him at arms length, hopefully she will get bored of him. X

Killing with kindness is key here.most importantly so you don’t push her to him.
but alos because he will hate this.right now he wants your dd to see you as the baddy.
he wants to turn her against you so every argument or remake you make he can say “you see she said this or she hates me trying to split us up”
if your kind and overly so your dd will instead be saying to him “but she don’t do anything wrong and is nice to you?”or she will at least be thinking it. He won’t be able to hide then.his true colours will come out.
and from that your dd will need you. She will need to not need to save face if you’ve been proved right.

Can you arrange anything with her friends, a girls night at your house ( without J) just so she can see their relationships are so much richer than hers? Or a trip out somewhere. Anyone who can talk to her about her ambition to be a paramedic to get her back on track?

Perhaps you could make an enquiry about him under Clare's Law?

I keep coming back to why your DH is not more involved in this. There is no way on this earth my DF would have allowed a bf to stay the night when I was only 17, even a decent one.. As a parent your DH should be a lot more proactive, a lot more protective (she is still technically a child under your care), and a helluva lot tougher. And surely if he was a good father, your DD would not have issues like the one she has with the bf? She would have got enough self-esteem about men from her DF being a good role model for a good man that she would not have even noticed this loser. Fathers have a huge impact on their daughter's future choice of man. Sorry if this hurts OP, but maybe he could still make a positive difference in this situation? Tell the loser man to man where the boundaries are and what he will bot tolerate re.his daughter.

In short, she is too good for him though.

I would confront him over the cocklodging and trying to get your daughter pregnant and YOU WILL NOT allow him to stay overnight again under any circumstances. Set the stall out now.

If your daughter doesn't like it, tell her she can move out.

You can't stop someone messing up their own life as heartbreaking as it is for you.

You can say that she is allowed in your home no matter what, as long as he isn't in tow. Thats her choice.

If she wants to be an adult, she needs to deal with it. You can't do anything but be there to pick up the pieces.

And yes, there is a fair chance it will end in disaster. But this bloke won't hang around for long.

Just make sure your daughter knows you will be there when she needs you.

Dear Lordy.
You've made a rod for your own back here letting him in. If I'd have brought a 22 year old home at the age of 17, well I dunno actually cause I never would have. My first male sleepover was my first proper relationship at Uni and then he had to sleep on an airbed on the floor. 🤣
I 100% think you need to get her on some more reliable contraception as the first port of call. At least that buys you some time to figure out how to get his claws out of her before irreversible things happen.
I don't think you should go down the route of trying to convince her how hard having a baby would be. Heck I've just had my 1st at 35 and I still didn't realise how hard it would be!
Showing her how fun being a young, carefree adult is, is the way to go here. Don't make it about him in any way. Make sure she goes out with her friends, without him, let her have friends round, book her and her friends gig tickets (that he won't be able to afford) take her away on a girlie weekend, take her to dinner, sign her up for a hobby she'll love, keep her busy having FUN.
Eventually she will realise what a waster he is, even better will be he gets bored without the attention and slopes off back under his rock. Good luck, my baby is only 5 months old and shit like this makes me worry so much for the future.

@BlueKaftan

i don’t think she deserves nice days out after this behaviour and the lack of disrespect she has shown towards her mother and mothers home

Noooooo.
My father is kind, hard working, honest, reliable etc etc etc.
I've still shacked up with some ropey bastards in my time. Sometimes you just have to make your own mistakes in life.

I do however agree that I wouldn't have been allowed to have a boy sleep over even of the same age as me, at that age. Absolutely no chance. Whether that was right or wrong I dunno, see above point lol, but it deffo prevented any unwanted teen pregnancy!!

They are both massive piss takers. I worry that your DD could get sucked into playing stepmum at 17. put your foot down - no more sleepovers or unplanned visits. Hopefully it will fizzle out - the upside of hun not being able to find his own house is that he won’t be tempted to get one and have her move i with him!

I’ve referenced several times her being on the pill
I can’t drag her kicking and screaming to the clinic can I?

I would do everything I could to get her to have the implant, even fake being ok with her relationship.
"Sure, he can stay over more but let's get you the implant first".

Once it's in, I'd target the first transgression and 'change my mind' And feel zero guilt 🤷‍♀️

I'd also let her know that she NEEDS to continue her education because she will have to support him. And his child. I'd be nice about it but just make sure she realises that will be her future and giving her the idea that them having a 'good' future depends on her staying on the path she was on.

God I feel for you.

I had this with my young DS but the other way round.

Older girl from horrendous background (father had spent most of his life in prison) - and she thought she could ensconce herself in our home and be part of our family.

She was very clever and manipulated my DS, literally luring him away from our home.

She did get pregnant but thank god she lost it very early on.

It was the most stressful (isn't strong enough) situation, but thankfully it scared the living daylights out of my DS and he finished with her.

He was so young and immature and it would have been like a child having a child, which would have completely fucked up his life, before it had even started.

My gut reaction would be to ban this low-life from your house, BUT I know when it happened to my DS, I wanted to keep very close to him (and her) so that I knew exactly what was going on. (And whatever I suspected, WAS going on).

Quote: aww look at your DS with my cousin's baby and toddler whatever, he's so good with children, he'll make such a great father etc etc.

Yes how one person can really fuck things up big time.

I agree with others. Try and engineer it so that she goes out with her mates and does what other 17 year old's should be doing - having fun, freedom, adventure and not looking after some manipulative man's 3 year old.

I really wish you luck.

As for the attraction, he is a conventionally attractive bloke which I think he uses to his advantage

This. Wonderfully and succinctly put.

He sounds like an epic asshole. Best of luck getting rid.

Could you play match maker, introduce another boy into the mix , like a friends son ? Bring him to the house , go on an outing together
It might make your daughter question if she really wants to "settle down" if she fancies someone else