To not want DD’s boyfriend’s child in my house

[crostina1]

This happened yesterday and DD doesn’t get why I am annoyed. My 17 year old DD has a new boyfriend of 22 (will call him J) who she met at work. They got together 2 months ago, and it has moved very fast. He only works 15 hours a week and doesn’t do more because of his ‘mental health’. He had a tough upbringing (DD won’t give the details) and isn’t in contact with any of his family. He has a just turned 3 year old son with an ex who he sees once evey few months. He lives in his friend’s family’s spare room but is outstaying his welcome and needs to be out by Christmas. He is making no plans for this whatsoever, I know the place they work would bite his hand off if he asked them for full-time hours, they are very understaffed and he could then he could a bedsit or rent a bedroom. But he will not consider this.

I caught on to what he was doing straight away. He came to stay over one night and stayed for 5, it was obvious he was trying to move in for free accommodation. I put my foot down and said he can only stay 1 night at a time, and no more than 1 night a week as this is our family home and we have DD’s autistic brother to think about, who is unsettled having a stranger in the home. J makes no effort with us at all. DH cooks every night and J never eats it when offered, he gets a takeaway every night, sometimes in the early hours, waking us up. I haven’t ever actually had a conversation with J, he acknowledges me with a nod when he sees me in the house and that’s it. He knows I don’t like him, he is taking advantage of my daughter. He hasn’t once taken my DD out on a date.

They were both off work yesterday. I was aware that he had been allowed a visit with his child, and that DD would be going. DD was very excited to meet his child. I didn’t agree with it, but saying anything would have been futile. I was told they were getting the train to pick him up (child lives in the next town over) going for lunch and to the park and then taking him back to his mum. I finished work early and came home at 3 and opened the door to find the child playing in my hallway, with DD sat in the living room with the door open watching him. J had gone to the shop.

DD hasn’t ever really been around young children, she would haven’t a clue what to do if he’d have had a tantrum and the child was playing next to our heater which was on full blast. I was not at all comfortable with this and read DD the riot act about how this is the first time she has met this child and that it was incredibly inappropriate for J to leave her with him. J was gone for a further half an hour. DD said they went to the park and it was closed off (don’t believe) so J thought it made sense to come here. She said J’s ex (who, I’m told was completely under the impression they WERE at the park/going for lunch and not at mine) is considering letting him have weekly contact and J wants to be able to bring him here as he can’t take him to his mate’s house. I told her in no uncertain terms, no. My house is not a contact centre. DD naively said she thought I’d like it and it’d be like having a grandchild for me.

I had her ring J, find out which shop he was in and then sent her off with the child (who had a pram, thank god as I don’t have a bloody car seat to ferry him about) to meet him so they could take him home.

DD and J don’t get what my problem is. I barely know J. What if something had happened to the child in my house under my DD’s care? In my opinion, taking the child to his new girlfriend’s house when the mother is under the impression they are at the park constitutes a form of low-level abduction, and I wanted no part in the deception.

I have a 17dd and it would be a cold day in hell before she had a man a full five years older than her ( which is a lot at this age ) staying over night in our house. The relationships is weeks old and she is talking about welcoming his offspring as a 'grandchild' for you WTAF??

He would not be welcome in our house ever again for any reason.
I would tell my dd that I did not know him and could not trust him in our home, he has made no effort to get to know us and we feel he is a very bad influence on you. I would make it as difficult as humanly possible for her to see him

But right now she thinks he's the best thing since sliced bread (or insert other cliche) so she thinks she's doing brilliantly being with him. As OP has said, she feels all grown up and that she understands him when no-one else can see how amazing he is. She doesn't see him as a loser, is sympathetic to the reason he can't work, believes he'd be father of the year if only his nasty, vindictive, witchy ex would let him.

And that's what the OP is fighting.

Have a sit down chat with DD explaining everything that’s wrong with this situation. Don’t be angry at her, educate her, woman to young woman. She’s young and naive and a prime target for users. She has no idea or context for how all that works.

If she doesn’t listen or listens but carries on with him anyway, try not to panic, stay friendly and supportive towards her and neutral towards him.

If you get angry with her she’ll look to him for comfort, and you’ll solidify their bond. Play the long game. Keep your boundaries but keep home a lovely place for her to be when it all falls apart.

Where is your DH in all this,OP? He has a 17 year old daughter who appears to be going off the rails with an obvious wrong-un for a boyfriend, and he also has a younger child with autism to consider. Does he not have any input into this situation with DD's bf? And if not, why not? You would think he could be a bit tougher, on the staying over front for example. It is his home and his family. Can he not do the protective father thing? It sounds as though he needs to weigh in quite heavily against the bf and tell him to get lost.

Or maybe pinheadlarry thinks she might be J's ex!

I'd ban this man from my house and tell her exactly why. What a total loser.

he sounds horrible, know his type. Agree it’s a fine balance, I wouldn’t want my DD off out somewhere God knows where with this man either. I’d certainly be giving her the lecture about his pathetic maintenance excuse, I’d go off on one with his pathetic excuse for not financially supporting his child. This will be her if she doesn’t open her eyes.

This is the problem - so many parents allow and are happy even to have bfs and gfs stay over with young teens.

It’s also important to remember he’s probably had lots of other sexual partners so u would want daughter to be getting a sexual health screen as well as long term contraception!
i wouldn’t want him staying at my house at all! But this may push your daughter further away so it’s a hard call. But he sounds like a complete waste of space.

@CallTheMobWife
I'm not sure how you think your comments are helping. It's utterly disingenuous to pretend you have never heard of a naive teen, blinded by the first experience of what they think is love. Why are you being so horrible?

I'm trying to remember when I did something similar in the dim and very distant past.
There was no reasoning with me because I had love goggles on and thought I knew everything. We were going to live in a caravan on a building site, and I was going to be barefoot and pregnant.
It came to an end when I went on holiday with a friend, and realised how much fun they were having.
My mum wrung her hands and threatened but I dismissed her.

What would have helped was a third party having a chat with me. Someone I liked and respected (an uncle or aunt), who could have acknowledged my emerging independence but talked about boundaries and firmly told me to make sure I was using fool proof contraception because it was too soon for babies and not fair to have a child until my ducks were in a row. (and to mention that my pelvic floor would never be the same again once I did).

OP, you are not powerless in this, and you are getting some good advice. With respect, maybe stop with the hand wringing and helplessness and look at what you can control. Keep trying to talk to him, tell DD you would like to get to know him better, but don't make it heavy (he may well reveal himself to be a bit of a pillock!) Establish some reasonable ground rules in a calm and reasonable manner.

Spend more time with DD doing other stuff. What are her interests? Take her to a Uni and apprenticeship fair or open day. Look at her future and start planning her next steps with her and future goals so she knows you realise she is nearly an adult. Sort out some work experience. Talk about learning to drive. Have a shopping trip. Visit some relatives and stay over. Yes, it will be hard and she may be terrible company at first but persevere!

I hope she has contraception

@OriginalUsername2 put it in a far better way than I did!

My dad is a very wise man who worked with teens for years and this is what he always says: teenagers don't need a reason to get pregnant, it's what their hormones/emotions are telling them to do anyway. They need a reason not to get pregnant.

I would follow the advice of other posters and ban him from overnights at the house - if she goes out to see him, so be it. Blame bill rises if need be.

But mainly, instead of talking/moaning to her about him (as she will see it) talk to her about her longer term future and where she wants to be say next year. Does she have goals? More study/living in a particular place/owning a fancy car/running a business/whatever? Or is she a bit directionless?

If you can help her develop something she really wants to do for herself, hopefully it'll provide an alternative vision of the future to bunking up on a dirty sofa with a hopeless case.

That’s why I said she has to help her daughter see she can do better. The daughter needs support so she can understand this for herself.

It really is simple.

I'd make it very clear to your daughter that if she gets pregnant, she's out of the house.

Let her know you won't be letting her, J, and possible baby live in your home.

So he can buy food,clothes,nappies for his son, if he doesn't want to give money. (we all know he's talking shit and won't buy a thing )

I'd definitely agree it makes your daughter feel grown up having an older boyfriend.

I really feel for you.

Can you get her onto the coil, implant, or contraceptive injection?? Pill sounds WAY too risky for this situation…

To clarify - talk to her about her longer term future IGNORING HIM TOTALLY. Don't use it as a reason to talk about him, just focus on her. Like a silent assumption he won't be there. If she mentions him just let it pass.

Why not sit them both down for a chat. Explain that you're not happy with the lack of respect j is showing you. Being woken up with take aways and now you are not comfortable with his child being in the house. Call him out on this, as a parent he can surely understand that you're uncomfortable with an unfamiliar child and the child can't feel safe somewhere it doesn't know and with strangers? As a result he can no longer stay over. He can visit alone but must leave by 11pm. You're not saying he's not welcome just that you're not accepting this nonsense. Hopefully that's enough to make him aware that you're onto him but not enough to push your daughter away completely.

You need to be the adult here, it’s clear he won’t do anything to find a place to live, and nor does he have the income to privately rent.

So why not suggest to your daughter, that she arranges an appointment/phone call with the council to discuss options, when he’s under the threat of homelessness. You need to impress on her, that staying at your place is not an option, as it means he will never be on the list to get a place of his own. Which is what he and the child need if they are to build a relationship.

The council should then tell him to come back when he is closer to being made homeless. They can then put him in an emergency hostel. But at least both of them know your home is not an easy option - Should he move in with you, his ability to secure social housing, will affected as to his ability to provide a stable home for his child.

Your daughter will hopefully see you as trying to help permanently resolve his housing problem - short term pain for long term gain. With any luck, your daughter will also see that a hostel, would be her only choice should she get pregnant with this man.

Totally normal in my circle.

Only on MN do teens try and succeed in moving wasters of both sexes in without a conversation.

My children would no more think this would happen in our house.
Friends staying over, no problem.
Casual sexual partners, not a chance.

I am a largely Yes parent but I would no more tolerate scum like that in my home.

I also would report his behaviour with that child to 101.
No way would I be complicit in that.

Sorry to be blunt OP but he AND your DD see you as a pushover

@AryaStarkWolf I'm not blaming them as such, but they were (still are, to an extent) incredibly over protective and I was in such a rush to prove I was mature enough to make my own decisions that I felt I couldn't really question them at all without looking weak. It's ridiculous in hindsight, but I guess I wish they'd trusted me to work through it for myself rather than tried to influence me.
As a mum now though I can see how hard that is. It's such a tough one. Especially with a child involved. The last thing the OP wants is DD deciding to move out and quit college to live with him.

There is truth in this. When I was very young I got involved with a married man ( yup I know) and my father went to this guy's front door and told him to stay away from me. He did. I remember how mortified I felt that my Dad had done this for me - he was a quiet man but had gone to a stranger's door to protect his daughter. So much respect for my Dad even if I didn't like it at the time.

@crostina1 You sound angry, that is really so understandable, these people are the absolute worst. Once they are in your life they seem to always find a way to make themselves your problem, one way or another. They make everything worse and there’s no pay off- they impact on so many people lives, yet there is usually just one or two people who are actually want to be associated with them in their sphere- everyone else just has to put up with them because someone they actually care about, cares about them.

However, your daughter is in serious danger right now, and you need to do whatever you can to get her out of it asap. That means you can’t be thinking about what’s right, fair, or reasonable- you need to be effective, and quickly. Otherwise you risk her messing up her life for many years to come.
Most likely you need to be very nice to your daughter, find some way to get her out of his clutches by any means necessary, trips abroad, a job opportunity, whatever you can think of- you need to be 100% on her side and resist the temptation to shame her, or throw your hands up and give up- 17 is very young to be dealing with this guy. So, so many read flags. Think it through, be strategic, forget about the battles think about the war. Good luck!