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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask your experience of having a very bright child?

383 replies

MaryShelley1818 · 19/10/2022 14:03

We just had our first parents evening and DS's report was extremely good. (Understatement)
His reading and writing are excellent (never done any of this at home or prior to him starting school 6wks ago). Excellent Maths skills, very good at PE, excellent imagination and creativity, very confident and mature. The teacher said usually children are very academic OR very creative but he literally has it all and is working at the very top end for everything. He's been standing up and speaking in assembly and she has to ask him to put his hand down and let other children answer sometimes as she knows he will know the answer (absolutely fine with this). Also very mature and expressive language.

We don't focus on academics in our house, but more on values of being kind. She said he has a special friendship and bond with a little girl who needs additional help and checks she is ok and has her specialised equipment etc Also he is described as having beautiful manners and being genuinely liked by other children.

So.....After Parents evening other parents were chatting and sharing and I found myself feeling embarrassed and uncomfortable sharing DS's as I didn't want to look like I was bragging or make him (or me) look smug. I found myself really playing it down, and even making up areas that he could improve (DS not there). Is it inevitable that I can't be proud of him or that I'll always have to play his successes down? Am I overthinking? A couple of parents did comment he was very mature and not an "average 4yr old". I don't want him to feel different or feel bad for being intelligent. (Me and DH are average, degree educated but not by any stretch academic).

I know it sounds like a stealth boast but it's really not.

OP posts:
MarshaBradyo · 19/10/2022 16:22

I admit when I got to the end of this post I was surprised by the he's 4

He’s just started. I expected an older dc who you needed advice for

Just relax

vitahelp · 19/10/2022 16:25

I was surprised when you said he was 4, I assumed this was about an older child especially the parts about checking in on another child and speaking in assembly.
But anyway, I don't think there is anything wrong with what you are doing (downplaying things). You are just protecting yourself from being labelled a show-off and also protecting other parents from feeling down about how their child is doing.
It reminds me of when wealthy people find themselves downplaying their money and pretending they don't have as much as they do so people don't judge them as a rich show off.

Original poster
MaryShelley1818 · 19/10/2022 16:26

MarshaBradyo · 19/10/2022 16:22

I admit when I got to the end of this post I was surprised by the he's 4

He’s just started. I expected an older dc who you needed advice for

Just relax

Absolutely not in question I need to relax...Story of my life 😆 Don't disagree with you.

OP posts:
Original poster
MaryShelley1818 · 19/10/2022 16:27

vitahelp · 19/10/2022 16:25

I was surprised when you said he was 4, I assumed this was about an older child especially the parts about checking in on another child and speaking in assembly.
But anyway, I don't think there is anything wrong with what you are doing (downplaying things). You are just protecting yourself from being labelled a show-off and also protecting other parents from feeling down about how their child is doing.
It reminds me of when wealthy people find themselves downplaying their money and pretending they don't have as much as they do so people don't judge them as a rich show off.

He's very much an old soul. My granny always says "He's been here before"
Thank you.

OP posts:
Pumpkin20222 · 19/10/2022 16:28

WhataboutThewhataboutery · 19/10/2022 14:17

My dd was extremely advanced from the age of 6 months when she started taking and by 12 months was having very in depth conversations and knew a lot and how to count, alphabet etc I thought people were jealous when they looked horrified at this taking baby they were confronted with. One dr recoiled then came back with colleagues and they started very random conversations with her to test was she mimicking or was she holding and developing conversations and they were astounded .

at school she was on the gifted and talented register and very much ahead of her peers. She won a scholarship at 11 and was meant to start private school but she had a total breakdown and was then assessed for ASD. She has a very high IQ and is hugely intelligent but struggled in every other area of life. We had to home educate her and she got level 9s in all her gcses but her functioning in other areas of life is severely affected

This sounds so much like my niece. Amazing reading and alphabet skills, also early maths, which may have been memorising rather than methodology. Unfortunately, accompanied by a huge dose of anxiety and difficult social interactions. Very frustrating early education and schools did not clearly flag up the need for assessment. Where it sounds like hints were made, these were ignored. Best wishes for the future.

StonwEd · 19/10/2022 16:29

Haven't rtft so apologies and I'm sure his has been said but I had one like that at your kids age, absolute genius.
He's just received perfectly good but very average gcse results.
Don't panic, yours will probably turn out to be average too and you won't have to worry about playing him down

Sago1 · 19/10/2022 16:33

I had a parent actually come up to me at pick up and tell me she had been talking to the maths teacher and apparently our son was doing well!
Their son was top at everything!
Our son had come from the local state primary into a prep school so joined as a new boy.
I was furious and politely told her if I wanted a progress report I would get it myself!

A few weeks later at pick up I opened the boot of my car which was full of Fortnums bags (Gifts for my husbands staff) the same woman’s husband looked in the car asked me if I had had a nice time in London spending my husbands money!!!!

It was such a shame as in my sons year there were so many lovely families, they were the only competitive ones, they caused a lot of angst because they wanted to have the cleverest,sportiest most musical son.

Their wonderful son was expelled for bullying and unfortunately this far has not done very well in life.

Chickpea17 · 19/10/2022 16:38

I'm not trying to be rude so please don't take it that way but he's four and only time will tell if he's truly intelligent.
At this age it's not a indication of what to expect ahead unless he's three or four years ahead of his peers.
When asked just say he seems happy and really enjoying it.

PinkSyCo · 19/10/2022 16:39

My kids are all thick as shit and really unkind -take after their father-so I can’t help you. Sorry.

girlmom21 · 19/10/2022 16:41

PinkSyCo · 19/10/2022 16:39

My kids are all thick as shit and really unkind -take after their father-so I can’t help you. Sorry.

Fucking hell 😂😂😂😂

Tiani4 · 19/10/2022 16:43

MaryShelley1818 · 19/10/2022 16:01

Don't worry everyone. Six pages in and I get it.

No one is really interested, no one cares, other parents are either nosy/competitive or just being polite. Only ever acceptable to answer in any detail to blood relatives. DS is 4 and it's either possible/impossible to tell if he's bright anyway but if he is it'll probably all go to shit when he's older anyway and there'll be a queue of people ready to be gleeful about that if I dare mention anything positive about him in the next 10+yrs. (I'm obviously being a little sarcastic but genuinely I get the message 😁)

Yes that was rather sarcastic at the end! I hope you're saying this in a laughing voice rather than an irritated voice Grin

I think you were always going to go awry given how much detail you went into how well your 4 year old is doing at school from teachers report. You'll see very few people start a thread with my child is attaining this high level in maths, English and is exceptionally bright and kind and here's lots of details... for 4 yo old even!- and the title you chose of your thread being "AIBU to ask your experience of having a very bright child? " Confused

It reads an an unselfaware stealth boast from start to finish of your OP!

And lots of us have been told our DCs are exceptionally bright in Reception Year/ later years... you're right to realise reign it in now as it may come back to bite you in the ass later on, you can be proud but that doesn't mean you have to openly boast in details!

I think PPs were doing you a kindness on MN to tell you how it is coming across so that you so tone it down if you do ever talk to other parents IRL about your child. You can say he's academic ... he loves maths / or loves school and is " doing well " etc

You are absolutely right, share that info with gparents only. Just ask them not to boast too.

My uncle boasts about his grandchildren our second cousins all the time about how X is "in the top job in the council" (errr no he isn't CEO!) and how Y went to Oxford Uni (he doesn't mention it is Oxford Brooks Uni the old polytechnic, which is still good it's a Uni!) & how exceptionally bright they are. The irony is he is talking to family members with higher achieving academic DCs wuth slam dunk exceptional A level results and GCSEs with DCs at Oxford Uni and other Russell group unis... who don't boast - other than say they are doing well and enjoying Uni.

I may be proud of my DS but it is irritating when people boast and sometimes ironic- All our DCs are clever in their own way and we should be proud of them.

Original poster
MaryShelley1818 · 19/10/2022 16:48

Sago1 · 19/10/2022 16:33

I had a parent actually come up to me at pick up and tell me she had been talking to the maths teacher and apparently our son was doing well!
Their son was top at everything!
Our son had come from the local state primary into a prep school so joined as a new boy.
I was furious and politely told her if I wanted a progress report I would get it myself!

A few weeks later at pick up I opened the boot of my car which was full of Fortnums bags (Gifts for my husbands staff) the same woman’s husband looked in the car asked me if I had had a nice time in London spending my husbands money!!!!

It was such a shame as in my sons year there were so many lovely families, they were the only competitive ones, they caused a lot of angst because they wanted to have the cleverest,sportiest most musical son.

Their wonderful son was expelled for bullying and unfortunately this far has not done very well in life.

Oh dear that's awful. I couldn't care a less about how academic DS is but would genuinely be devastated to hear of him not being kind to someone or bullying. I think I'm doing a good enough job atm of that but definitely always something to be aware of.

OP posts:
ScaryFaces · 19/10/2022 16:48

MaryShelley1818 · 19/10/2022 14:03

We just had our first parents evening and DS's report was extremely good. (Understatement)
His reading and writing are excellent (never done any of this at home or prior to him starting school 6wks ago). Excellent Maths skills, very good at PE, excellent imagination and creativity, very confident and mature. The teacher said usually children are very academic OR very creative but he literally has it all and is working at the very top end for everything. He's been standing up and speaking in assembly and she has to ask him to put his hand down and let other children answer sometimes as she knows he will know the answer (absolutely fine with this). Also very mature and expressive language.

We don't focus on academics in our house, but more on values of being kind. She said he has a special friendship and bond with a little girl who needs additional help and checks she is ok and has her specialised equipment etc Also he is described as having beautiful manners and being genuinely liked by other children.

So.....After Parents evening other parents were chatting and sharing and I found myself feeling embarrassed and uncomfortable sharing DS's as I didn't want to look like I was bragging or make him (or me) look smug. I found myself really playing it down, and even making up areas that he could improve (DS not there). Is it inevitable that I can't be proud of him or that I'll always have to play his successes down? Am I overthinking? A couple of parents did comment he was very mature and not an "average 4yr old". I don't want him to feel different or feel bad for being intelligent. (Me and DH are average, degree educated but not by any stretch academic).

I know it sounds like a stealth boast but it's really not.

I'm sure you're very pleased OP, but I wouldn't be so convinced that how he is at 4 is going to be how he is forever

Tiani4 · 19/10/2022 16:52

Also
how X is "in the top job in the council" (errr no he isn't CEO!)
The cousin being boasted about is 21! I highly doubt he's " in the top job"

It's good his grandad is proud of him but it's such a bore when he drones on at family events then asks each time " oh how is your DS going so far away from home... you must be a bit upset.," Hmm

I smile and wave smile and wave and occasionally say "he'll be home from Oxford soon., they have shorter terms "

Original poster
MaryShelley1818 · 19/10/2022 16:54

Tiani4 · 19/10/2022 16:43

Yes that was rather sarcastic at the end! I hope you're saying this in a laughing voice rather than an irritated voice Grin

I think you were always going to go awry given how much detail you went into how well your 4 year old is doing at school from teachers report. You'll see very few people start a thread with my child is attaining this high level in maths, English and is exceptionally bright and kind and here's lots of details... for 4 yo old even!- and the title you chose of your thread being "AIBU to ask your experience of having a very bright child? " Confused

It reads an an unselfaware stealth boast from start to finish of your OP!

And lots of us have been told our DCs are exceptionally bright in Reception Year/ later years... you're right to realise reign it in now as it may come back to bite you in the ass later on, you can be proud but that doesn't mean you have to openly boast in details!

I think PPs were doing you a kindness on MN to tell you how it is coming across so that you so tone it down if you do ever talk to other parents IRL about your child. You can say he's academic ... he loves maths / or loves school and is " doing well " etc

You are absolutely right, share that info with gparents only. Just ask them not to boast too.

My uncle boasts about his grandchildren our second cousins all the time about how X is "in the top job in the council" (errr no he isn't CEO!) and how Y went to Oxford Uni (he doesn't mention it is Oxford Brooks Uni the old polytechnic, which is still good it's a Uni!) & how exceptionally bright they are. The irony is he is talking to family members with higher achieving academic DCs wuth slam dunk exceptional A level results and GCSEs with DCs at Oxford Uni and other Russell group unis... who don't boast - other than say they are doing well and enjoying Uni.

I may be proud of my DS but it is irritating when people boast and sometimes ironic- All our DCs are clever in their own way and we should be proud of them.

Show quote history

Yeah I see that. Definitely daft title. Just said what I was thinking based on what the teacher said.
I mean this genuinely but my opening post including a lot of detail is only an indication of how much of a fanny I am with words. My Uni Tutor laughs (and work) as they always say why use a sentence when you can write 50!! I am very wordy with written stuff/emails/assignments etc It's honestly NOT a reflection of my boasting status.
Lots of people have been kind and lots haven't. I clearly stated I played this information down and wouldn't say any of it in RL. But people enjoy a good kicking on AIBU so fair enough 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
MaryShelley1818 · 19/10/2022 16:55

ScaryFaces · 19/10/2022 16:48

I'm sure you're very pleased OP, but I wouldn't be so convinced that how he is at 4 is going to be how he is forever

Show quote history

Thank you, I'm not. But can only go on what I know right now. Maybe he'll change, maybe he won't. Who knows 😊

OP posts:
LuffleGro · 19/10/2022 17:19

It is socially acceptable to talk about how well your children do in sports or art or anything else really, but not academic achievements. It's a bit sad really for those of us whose children only excel academically and not in other ways but it is what it is. It's not the worst problem to have. The advice above to say DC is doing very well, smile and move the conversation on is best. Some people will insist on details and then still get pissy when you give them, while others will celebrate with you and be lovely.

My DD was like your DS in Reception (both academically bright and described as a "mini adult") and indeed did do very well throughout school and is now at uni studying a very challenging subject. However, she was also diagnosed autistic in Yr8, had years of struggling socially, and is having quite a tough time managing her workload at uni due to executive functioning difficulties. She's still the cleverest person I know and I am very proud of her, but intelligence alone doesn't mean an easy or successful life. On balance, I think her life would be easier with less intelligence and more social and organisational skills.

Rinatinabina · 19/10/2022 17:42

Smartish · 19/10/2022 14:36

Wow, amazing! Bet that was so strange!! Most are saying their first word around then.

Show quote history

Yeah my nephew was talking in sentences at that age. I didn’t realise it was odd till I had mine. Then I was like “he’s a bloody genius! How did I not notice!”. He is actually extremely clever.

OP, just nod and say doing well thanks hows yours. I was pegged as gifted at an early age, I’m afraid I am really quite average. So I really wouldn’t overthink it.

donttellmehesalive · 19/10/2022 17:48

You don't need to say anything except that the teacher said nice things and you are very proud and pleased with him.

If he is very clever, the word will get out anyway, without you needing to say or do anything.

Also worth remembering that by Year 4 many will catch up, and by Year 12 many will have overtaken him. Keeping quiet is the best way to protect him. And you know there might be other parents present who heard similar and feel exactly the same.

Caiti19 · 19/10/2022 17:57

Of course you can be proud, but the same rules of social etiquette apply here as would apply in any other situation. If everyone is talking about how they need to stretch their last fiver to the end of the week, it wouldn't be polite to start talking about the cruise you are planning. It's not "downplaying". It's just not being an arse. I had a similar PT meeting yesterday for youngest child, but I have enough experience to know that it's a snapshot in time and that it will even out over time. Kids who struggle now will surpass her in many ways no doubt. What's that saying about popcorn? All the kernels go into the same oil at the same temperature, but they all pop at different times? I don't use the terms "bright" or "very bright", but that's probably for another thread. "Teacher said he's getting on well" is all you need to say - no need for lies.

Disabrie22 · 19/10/2022 18:00

Simple truth - the world is full of parents who boast about their kids. It’s really annoying for parents who don’t boast about their kids.
I just boast to mum, dad, MIL, FIL and my sister - that way I can enjoy it without making everyone else nauseous or resentful.

Original poster
MaryShelley1818 · 19/10/2022 18:01

Caiti19 · 19/10/2022 17:57

Of course you can be proud, but the same rules of social etiquette apply here as would apply in any other situation. If everyone is talking about how they need to stretch their last fiver to the end of the week, it wouldn't be polite to start talking about the cruise you are planning. It's not "downplaying". It's just not being an arse. I had a similar PT meeting yesterday for youngest child, but I have enough experience to know that it's a snapshot in time and that it will even out over time. Kids who struggle now will surpass her in many ways no doubt. What's that saying about popcorn? All the kernels go into the same oil at the same temperature, but they all pop at different times? I don't use the terms "bright" or "very bright", but that's probably for another thread. "Teacher said he's getting on well" is all you need to say - no need for lies.

I do agree with all that. And when other parents have commented I did say very similar things such as "they're all good at some things, and need to work on others" "they're all different" etc

Good to know that while I'm apparently clearly an arse on forums I'm definitely not one in real life 🤣🤣

OP posts:
Whistlesandbell · 19/10/2022 18:04

I think the worst are the parents who don’t boast but are boasting. I knew one parent who was like’ *I only went and found a book in Benjies room all about Oxford, apparently the school have said he should apply, you know what he’s like never telling me anything, laugh, laugh’.

Stationsofthecross · 19/10/2022 18:12

OP. You’re overthinking this because the truth is - you are proud of how clever He is, which is all well and good. You’re his mother - of course you should
be. In all honesty - no one else cares. They ask out of politeness - imagine being that mother who’s child is not doing 59 times tables like your son. How might she feel? You seem to want to get into the nitty gritty to tell all of what he can do - why? There is no need to lie either - just say he’s doing fine. That’s all.

Caiti19 · 19/10/2022 18:12

I wouldn't dream of calling you an arse, OP. I hope that example didn't come across that way.

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