AIBU to ask your experience of having a very bright child?

[MaryShelley1818]

We just had our first parents evening and DS's report was extremely good. (Understatement)
His reading and writing are excellent (never done any of this at home or prior to him starting school 6wks ago). Excellent Maths skills, very good at PE, excellent imagination and creativity, very confident and mature. The teacher said usually children are very academic OR very creative but he literally has it all and is working at the very top end for everything. He's been standing up and speaking in assembly and she has to ask him to put his hand down and let other children answer sometimes as she knows he will know the answer (absolutely fine with this). Also very mature and expressive language.

We don't focus on academics in our house, but more on values of being kind. She said he has a special friendship and bond with a little girl who needs additional help and checks she is ok and has her specialised equipment etc Also he is described as having beautiful manners and being genuinely liked by other children.

So.....After Parents evening other parents were chatting and sharing and I found myself feeling embarrassed and uncomfortable sharing DS's as I didn't want to look like I was bragging or make him (or me) look smug. I found myself really playing it down, and even making up areas that he could improve (DS not there). Is it inevitable that I can't be proud of him or that I'll always have to play his successes down? Am I overthinking? A couple of parents did comment he was very mature and not an "average 4yr old". I don't want him to feel different or feel bad for being intelligent. (Me and DH are average, degree educated but not by any stretch academic).

I know it sounds like a stealth boast but it's really not.

I did, I have, and I will.

I struggled the entire way through school quite significantly and I'm also a Children's Social Worker (almost qualified) so I do have some understanding although obviously no where near the experience a parent who's lived that has.

I'm sorry it's been a battle for you. School really doesn't suit all children and SEN provision is horrifically inadequate.

I have 3 dc - eldest high IQ, middle low IQ and youngest average IQ.

What I heave learnt is that people aren't interested in my dc. At all.

What they like to talk about is the school and which teachers are good etc.

Yes it’s frankly awkward when a friend whose child has struggled asks politely how yours got on in her GCSEs. It’s kind of similar (though not as bad I admit) as being happily pregnant when a friend is struggling with infertility. Cringe and I take no pleasure in saying she did so well.

Actually Dh and I agreed afterwards we were pretty much just as pleased for our friends lovely non academic Dd who bounced up to us at results collection thrilled she had passed maths than with our own dds string of 9s…

"He has taught himself various pieces of classical music on a xylophone"

Best quote of the thread.

Wagner's Ring Cycle? 😂😂😹

Just a "yeah, he seems to be doing well," has always been enough to share about our mini genius. Other parents pick up on it eventually and don't give two hoots other than to say, "gosh, how marvellous!"

Honestly? My experience is that unless is a child is really struggling, development wise, reception teachers are generally extremely positive about basically all the children.

Yes, your kid is probably fairly bright.

But at reception age a huge amount is based on:

• home environment. I don't mean pushing them to learn academic stuff at home before school. I mean educated parents who read and talk and play games with their child etc
• age. The earlier birthdays are often miles ahead.
• interest. Some kids are keener to get into the academic stuff. In reception, they basically won't really make a kid do much more than the basics if they don't want to. So some bright kids who are too busy wanting to play outdoors won't display their aptitude yet.
• compliance: some children are naturally compliant or love to please grown ups. They tend to do well in early years as they do everything asked of them where some others don't. Through ks1 & 2 effort becomes far less optional and things often even out.

My nephew was very bright. He started reception on orange level reading books, his understanding of phonics was insane, he could write well, his maths was excellent. Other kids have now caught up & surpassed him in reading & writing. His maths ability has stayed and its also become clear he's very musically talented but whereas he was an outlier in everything at 5, a lot has evened out.

Yes, I think I agree with a lot of that andit does make sense, DS is a winter born child, and those 6-7mths can make a huge difference at that age. He loves learning and is genuinely interested. And like myself is a huge people pleaser and naturally wants to make the teachers happy and pleased with him.

HNRTFT but my advice is to be quietly proud and share with good friends and family.
It’s early days and he will probably plateau and the others will catch up .
Children all develop at different ages .

Thank you for understanding the awkwardness/embarrassment. Maybe as someone else said it's just a natural "British" thing.

Thank you, I have no clue what it's supposed to mean but I haven't ate tea as I was too busy working so I'll take it with thanks 😁 Yum!

Your over thinking it. You just quietly respond that he is doing well and your happy with his report. What more needs to be said to other parents.

I'll stick to just my mam I think.
DH's sister has a DS who is really struggling developmentally and I'd hate to cause any bad feelings/comparison.
If my closest friends ask I'll tell them but if not I'll keep quiet and only discuss with DH.

Overthinking is my middle name...natural worrier I'm afraid.

You've taken this thread with enormous grace OP. I take my hat off to you.

Thank you that's very kind to say.
I've had a lot of very good advice tbf. Even some of the harsh stuff.
Sometimes I say/do the wrong thing but I suspect most of us do 😊

Honestly when he gets older things will even out. My children were all tagged as bright in primary school but they still needed to work hard in secondary schools to get decent grades. They were by no means the brightest
in their state secondary schools but got to the university of their choice to do the competitive subjects they wanted to do.
Just let him have fun but stress he needs to do the work he is given by school and he will be fine. My cousin was very bright but hot housed as was quite odd because of it.

I would just say 'he's settled in well and seems happy so we are pleased'

They can change so much. My son is 8 now and is very good at maths (always has been) but I would say struggled with writing for a while. Now, his writing has come on loads and he loves writing stories.

Your son may remain an all rounder or find strength in one area over others.

At that age, I’d take it with a pinch of salt.

DD1s teacher thought I was appalling for that attitude, but having been slapped with the Gifted tag myself at age 4, and the subsequent bullshit that came with it for my entire life from my average/below average family, I had no desire to replicate that for her.

She’s now in Y11, predicted a string of 8s/9s, and actually does very little/it comes naturally to her.

I cannot relate because my strengths were Science and Maths, I sure as shit wasn’t the all rounder that she is. Nor am I a native speaker in a second language like she is (ExH isn’t English), only speaks to them in his mother tongue).

DD2 at age 4 - below average in everything. Now in Y7 and was exceeding in Science and Maths, average at everything else. She’s her mothers child Conversational in her Dads language.

DD3 - missed her first parents evening this week as she has tonsillitis, so I guess I’ll find out after half term.

Either way, I will continue to take my “encourage what they love/zero pressure” attitude and I will continue to not tell anyone IRL my childrens “academic achievements” unless they want me to. It’s their personal information, not mine.

I'm really not.

On this thread I've admitted:

I got the title wrong
I gave too much detail in the OP
I overthink
I have anxiety
I had PND and was a terrible mother for a full year

Ok, I think you've had enough OP bashing that you are overthinking the other way now!

You didn't boast your anyone but anonymously in here
Everyone will live
You know to be careful as there are competence parents out there and you might have unintentionally come across as one, had you not reflected after chatting on here

I think you said you are or are training to be a child SW? Or did I misread that? Social workers know how to be concise in reports and what to say and what is extraneous info. So I'm sure you'll be grand navigating the wild rapids of school years...

I miss the camaraderie but not the politics of the school gates... good luck op!

Lol 'competitive' not 'competence' parents!

Keep the birthday thing in perspective OP, it can make a huge difference in Reception. I have a late Aug born DS and a Nov born DD. DS struggled throughout primary, his reading was terrible and needed some additional support.

DD on the other hand was absolutely flying in the early years, no issues at all. DS is now in Senior, fully caught up and doing brilliantly. DD (Y6) is finding that things don’t come quite so easily anymore and is pretty cross about it, having realised she needs to put a bit of effort in. DS, has a fantastic work ethic, no doubt because he’s always had to work hard. We’ll see how DD goes in Senior.

I'd say keep expanding his horizons and extending his learning... Library, stories, rhymes and poems, clubs like gym, French, drama, singing. And instruments... Give him the chance to see and try different instruments to start learning. It can be tricky for very bright children when there aren't enough challenges at school, so try to stay aware what he is learning and how to build on that (often sideways to consolidate, it can spoil things a bit for him if you preteach everything).
It's lovely to have a bright child, keep up with his interests and passions, keep him grounded, and buy him a piano!

@MaryShelley1818 on Mumsnet people always say ‘they all level out’ or ‘my daughter was speaking mandarin at 1’

Some children are very bright and that’s ok. You aren’t boasting. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I don’t know why people get nasty about it. I have 4 kids. All very different. One with high care needs. The youngest is 2 and we all noticed she’s particularly bright. The nursery manager called her ‘a high flier’. And I thought ‘do people say that about 2 year olds?’

Very bright children can become bored at school so it’s normal to seek answers.

OP you sound like a bit of a knob