WWYD? Family at war

[MarmiRae]

I’m going to try and keep things neutral with pronouns as I’ve seen that sometimes genders can sway opinions.

Mt grandparent (of parent A) died last week. GP never really was involved in my life because of a huge falling out with Parent B over 30 years ago. I never had really any contact with my cousins / parent As side of the family. Parent B very much plays the victim card (I have a strained relationship with them) and since GP died, parent B hasn’t mentioned their passing to me. I haven’t expressly mentioned this either to Parent B. Parent A is very upset and I have been supporting them. Parent A and B are still married and have been for 40 years. Relationship is OK - it was awful when I was younger as Parent B would say things about GP and A’s family and felt that they interfered too much in our family.

As I grew older, I would try and get involved in my GP’s life - going to visit a couple of times with my DC and going to weddings in the family. Parent B would always throw this in my face (breaking bread with the enemy in her eyes). When I was at a wedding years ago, GP told me that she wanted to see us (me and my brother) years ago so GP drove 3+ hours to see our neighbour (who was a pastor) to give them a letter, detailing the relationship with Parent B, and that Parent B was stopping contact.

Parent B and my DB have said we are not going to the funeral. They said it would make Parent A feel awkward because they hadn’t seen GP in about 7 years (due to covid / work / other reasons) and that Parent A is best supported by only going down to the grave after the funeral.

I’m just really stuck as to what I do. My family (DB and Parent B) are acting as if nothing has happened and that “we must stick together”. GP was very old but I’m still saddened by their passing. I’ve always been one to smooth things over and feel very angry that my relationship with Parent A’s family has been severed because Parent B had a fall out with them. To be honest, I think there is blame on both sides; GP’s family don’t like Parent B and I don’t think Parent B was ever welcome from the start (40 years ago!).

So, in this instance, would you go to the funeral (if I even receive an invite)? I’ve told Parent A that I would go with them, as I love Parent A dearly and I think it would be worse not going. DB and Parent B disagree and say we are NOT going as Parent A’s family will use this opportunity to kick A when they’re down.

I hope this makes sense - my DH said I should go to the funeral, to pay my respects, and it would be worse if Parent A doesn’t go.

WWYD?

I would go.

Your GP was Parent A's parent. Of course he should go, as should you.

Neither of you should be held hostage by the animosity felt by Parent B and your brother.

Parent B should not be trying to control you and parent A. I think it would be nice for you to support parent A.

I don’t think people get invitations to funerals. You just go. I would go anyway. Your parent sounds very divisive.

Thank you - I just feel awful about GP. We were going to go and see them two days before GP died and when DB called to tell me GP had passed, it was cold and matter of fact.

I called Parent A and I’ve said I would go with them - in my eyes, GP raised A and to not go to the funeral would be a huge insult to their memory. I’m sure it would be awkward but surely people won’t blame A? I know they say blood is thicker than water but at what point do you say enough is enough?

B is very divisive. They don’t like other people generally (don’t like my in-laws and are vocal about it). B loves DB and I get messages which B accidentally sends to me which are intended for my brother, and B sings their praises. Our relationship is very fractured unfortunately and I can’t see that the funeral will help matters.

I’ve never been to a funeral so just assumed you’d get an invite? I guess A’s brother will be in touch I guess with the details.

Go with your dad to the funeral.

Your mum is being unreasonable plus you are an adult who can decide who within the family you have a relationship with. Go to the funeral

Family feuds are never worth it- Go to the Funeral.

I don't think that always the case - just going.

I think if the family want a private funeral, they do indicate to people they'd like to be there i.e. they invite them.

Also, in this day and age, funeral plans that consist of cremations without any service are possible. (I know this because I've purchased one of my own, with money put aside for a slap-up meal/drinks for anyone who's interested.)

I think the OP (or her dad) should attempt to contact the relative who contacted her brother with the news to establish the arrangements.

I read this differently to others I think. Sounds like your GP was quite a divisive person - giving you letters slagging off parent b and never welcoming them to the family..

I don’t really think you’re in a position to make a judgement about what really happened 30/40 years ago and parent b could be well within their rights to dislike parent A’s family.

Go to the funeral, it sounds as if you want to and that you’ve already made up your mind, but be prepared to accept you’ll be hurting parent b. Sounds like you don’t have much loyalty or respect for them anyway.

@Adieufattummy thats the thing - there are two sides to every story and my whole life I’ve only heard B’s story. My GP I’m sure had probably done things wrong, but I have always felt stuck in the middle. We knew GP was frail and he didn’t have long but it’s the shock of it that he went so suddenly.

My relationship with B isn’t great at all. Sometimes we get on and we have a laugh together and they can be so kind and caring and then it’s literally a U-turn the next day.

Go with Parent A.
Parent B and your Bro can piss off. They've made their decision, fine. They are not your keeper. They sound particularly cruel and bitter.

Going to funerals is as much if not more about supporting those still alive who are grieving as it is yourself. This is all about Parent A who has lost their parent. They should go if they want to and you should go and support them if they want you there. Parent B's preferences rank way below Parent A's needs.

If your relationship with B is already fractured and they are seemingly causing issues in another generation of relationships (not liking your in-laws), what is there to lose?

I've been reading a relationship book and in so many instances she talks about breaking away from toxic dynamics by behaving in a way that people don't expect. It makes it clear that you have changed the record so it forces them to change their behaviour (not necessarily for the better but still means you have created room for moving on from the old habits.) I'm not explaining it brilliantly, sorry.

In essence, I wouldn't risk the relationship with A to try and placate B. It won't placate them anyway, really...as nothing seems to. If you want to go for A (and you, YOU are important enough to get to choose for your own reasons), then go.

@CatNamedEaster thank you ❤️

I'm not sure why you wouldn't go - if your dad wants to be there then go to support him. It doesn't mean you've taken sides or anything.

Yeah invites aren't a thing and don't expect them to contact everyone with the details - get in touch and ask them for the info.

Go to the funeral, yourself. You had a relationship with GP and sounds like you want to mourn. Also you're an adult and parent B does not control you.

Sounds like parent A needs to make their own decision whether they go.

Parent B sounds controlling and manipulative.

Go to the funeral, support parent A. You are both adults and you can make your own decisions, although I expect there will be fall out from parent B unfortunately.

If you want o go to the funeral, contact A's brother and say you would like to attend, please can they let you know the details when arranged.
If they don't then give you the details you'll know you're not wanted.

Go to the funeral. Parent B and your DB can do want they want, but they can't dictate what others do. If there is a fallout so be it, they don't sound particularly pleasant tbh. Whatever went on in the past, parent A should be able to farewell their parent without all this drama.

@CatNamedEaster what is this book called? I’ve read Toxic Inlaws by Susan forward, but could use some new books to read!

Even if your grandparent was a total nightmare, you could go to the funeral to support your dad in his grief - funeral attendance doesn't necessarily mean approval of someone's choices when alive.

Only you can have a proper sense of what your mum is like and if she might be unreasonable. I would be careful of a desire to 'smooth things over' though - I was like that with some family who my parents didn't want to contact, they told a good story, wrote letters a lot like your GP, cried about the rift - but when it came to it, turned out they behaved horribly.

If you know that your mum has a track record very unreasonable/unfair, it could be worth rekindling relationships, if not then I'd tread carefully.

Thing is I wouldn’t feel great about a adult child who I knew was in contact with people who had set out to do me harm. It would strain the relationship further if they thought they were decent human beings. If your dad's family really did hurt your mum, and you think they're pretty decent I'm not sure you can expect your mum to like you all the time.

You do what you feel is right. If you've done what you feel is right at least that should help dealing with the fallout.

What does Parent A want to do? If he wants to go to the funeral then you should definitely go both to support them and pay your respects.
I'd probably go even if Parent A wasn't tbh- Parent B sounds like a stirrer and i'm not sure what you've got to lose