WWYD? Family at war

[MarmiRae]

I’m going to try and keep things neutral with pronouns as I’ve seen that sometimes genders can sway opinions.

Mt grandparent (of parent A) died last week. GP never really was involved in my life because of a huge falling out with Parent B over 30 years ago. I never had really any contact with my cousins / parent As side of the family. Parent B very much plays the victim card (I have a strained relationship with them) and since GP died, parent B hasn’t mentioned their passing to me. I haven’t expressly mentioned this either to Parent B. Parent A is very upset and I have been supporting them. Parent A and B are still married and have been for 40 years. Relationship is OK - it was awful when I was younger as Parent B would say things about GP and A’s family and felt that they interfered too much in our family.

As I grew older, I would try and get involved in my GP’s life - going to visit a couple of times with my DC and going to weddings in the family. Parent B would always throw this in my face (breaking bread with the enemy in her eyes). When I was at a wedding years ago, GP told me that she wanted to see us (me and my brother) years ago so GP drove 3+ hours to see our neighbour (who was a pastor) to give them a letter, detailing the relationship with Parent B, and that Parent B was stopping contact.

Parent B and my DB have said we are not going to the funeral. They said it would make Parent A feel awkward because they hadn’t seen GP in about 7 years (due to covid / work / other reasons) and that Parent A is best supported by only going down to the grave after the funeral.

I’m just really stuck as to what I do. My family (DB and Parent B) are acting as if nothing has happened and that “we must stick together”. GP was very old but I’m still saddened by their passing. I’ve always been one to smooth things over and feel very angry that my relationship with Parent A’s family has been severed because Parent B had a fall out with them. To be honest, I think there is blame on both sides; GP’s family don’t like Parent B and I don’t think Parent B was ever welcome from the start (40 years ago!).

So, in this instance, would you go to the funeral (if I even receive an invite)? I’ve told Parent A that I would go with them, as I love Parent A dearly and I think it would be worse not going. DB and Parent B disagree and say we are NOT going as Parent A’s family will use this opportunity to kick A when they’re down.

I hope this makes sense - my DH said I should go to the funeral, to pay my respects, and it would be worse if Parent A doesn’t go.

WWYD?

I'm also assuming your mom is the problem here.

Go to the funeral. You had a relationship with your grandparents. Take your dad if he wants to go. Tell your mom to stop being a manipulative bitch and to let the man grieve.

Go to the funeral. I think it’s worse to regret not going than going. I hope parent A attends despite everything. Parent B sounds like they’re emotionally abusive tbh.

Thing is if the dad was violent or abusive to the mum and the family chose not to see, you'd be a bit of a cow calling the mum a manipulative bitch.

If that was the case and there was physical abuse the op wouldn't be saying their relationship is ok now

My family is fractured like this. My biggest regret was not standing up for "Parent B" when "Parent A's" sibling died.

Until then I though parent B was being self absorbed and seeing vicious intent where there was none, with hindsight I can see how fucking horrible the family of parent A were, in particular to parent B. I don't think parent B will ever forget that I sided with parent A's family for that funeral, although I know I'm forgiven.

Parent B is probably right. Family A will probably use this as another attack opportunity but you can only do what you think is right.

As an adult you should make your own decision and as parent a is an adult you should respect theirs (to go or not).

You assume. But really there is a distinct lack of information in the OP. It leaves people to fill the gaps according to our own experiences.

My only experiences of GPs who write letters like that was that their were nor decent people, either at the time or permanently. Other people have filled the gap with their experiences of exs or DPs ex wives.

It really doesn't say in the OP. The fact that the reason for the falling out is glossed over suggests to me it might impact the responses. The OP wants, and got, replies that justify their going. It could in fact be a really shitty move no-one who has replied actually has any way of knowing.

But in the end you have to be guided by your own moral compass and suffer any consequences

You're right @Icedlatteplease - we're only giving opinions on the information we have and certain vital information probably has been left out.

You go to the funeral with parent A if they want to.

Parent B does not control parent A nor you.

However you've used a pronoun in the OP so we do know what sex each parent is!

Doesn't change my POV either. In fact strengthens it IMO.

Your GP is A’s parent, support them.

B is very full of opinions on who should or should not go to the funeral, what does A really want?

And do what you really feel you want.

Contact brother with condolences then ask for details of the funeral and go with your dad.

Just go to the funeral on your own. You can tell A you're going but as an adult they can make their own decisions and they probably won't go. You are an adult married woman, you don't need validation to make the decision to go. Nor do you need to tell B or DB if you don't want to.

It sounds like GP was a pretty awful MIL to your DM but she was still your grandmother. I would go with your dad to the funeral and don’t make a big deal to your DM or expect her or your DB to go (even just to the grave afterwards).

I went with my sister to my stepfather's funeral. I couldn't stand the man, but he was my little sister's father, so I went to support her. Go with your dad, tell your mum you're going to support him.

Love how people are insisting there’s more to it, as soon as people assume the difficult one is the mother. And assuming the grandparent who died was the MIL.

Sometimes Dils are dicks, it’s not always mils. Sometimes women who are mothers are not good people. Sometimes women who are wives and mothers, are dicks.

We can all say ‘oh I bet information has been left out’ or ‘Op probably doesn’t see the REAL situation’.

No point giving any advice if we are all just going to make bits up as we go.

I would go. Par

Bloody phone. I would go, parent B needs to let people grieve as they want to and stop interfering.

you don't go to a funeral for the deceased, you go for the living and yourself. If you want to go and parent A would like you with them then go. As you say upthread there are two (actually three usually) sides to every story. However, Parent B's justification for you not going stands out as being dishonest and manipulative so I'm less inclined to believe their side of the story. Doesn't really matter who is being most most honest though. People who use funerals for point scoring or as part of some petty feud get short shrift from me.

Are Parents A and B still together? I can’t follow this at all.

Basically, if you want to go the funeral then go! You don’t need anyone’s permission.

Your mum is out of line to dictate on this and has no right to decide for anyone else. Go with your dad if you want to go to the funeral and if you feel your support is important to him.

Sorry all - I tried to keep it without pronouns but messed up! Yes so it was my grandpa who died (dads dad) - no abuse towards family that I know of. All very difficult as my brother and I have been kept in the dark and only told by my mom that dads folks never approved of her, so she kind of removed us all from the picture. It’s sad as I don’t know my uncles or the cousins on my dads side. My grandpa told me at a cousins wedding 15 years ago that he had wanted to have a relationship with us but mom stopped it, hence he drove all those hours to speak to a pastor about it. But, again, what is truth and what’s lie? Mom told me years later it was because grandpa was trying to get my dad back (my grandma died a few years before) and he wanted his sons back together.

I hate it - being stuck in the middle and told different things. I don’t have a picture of myself and my grandpa.

Family conflict sucks and now I feel stuck.

Yes, go.

Just don't talk about it to your mum.

well B (your mum) may have had a strained relationship but that was a lot of words to describe many people's relationships with their in-laws. Was it her MIL? (you kind of gave it away by using a pronoun, sorry)

Just stay clear of discussing it. They have been pretty much NC for years why would they go to a funeral. You're going to support your dad and that's fine. No need to add fuel to the drama fire by pushing for them to attend or talk about it.

I'm sorry for your loss, it's a hard time.

Your mother sounds very controlling. Regardless of any issues between her and the GPs, you are adults and cutting off an entire side of the family isn't fair.

You knows who is at fault. It could be two sided. I am assuming your parents are no longer together? Your mom doesn't need to have anything to do with them but you should go and support your dad if you want to. And get to know your cousins and aunts and uncles. How isolating for your dad to have had his kids cut off from this whole family. That is what abusers do - they cut people off from family and friends.

I think on what you've said, that you and A should go.

It sounds like A wanted a relationship with his Dad all along, but B would not allow it. That's not OK. B can choose who she has relationships with, but to control another adult's is not OK at all.

Now GP is gone, and she's still trying to control other adults. Tbh I can see why A's family didn't like her, if this was how she was behaving!