WWYD? Family at war

[MarmiRae]

I’m going to try and keep things neutral with pronouns as I’ve seen that sometimes genders can sway opinions.

Mt grandparent (of parent A) died last week. GP never really was involved in my life because of a huge falling out with Parent B over 30 years ago. I never had really any contact with my cousins / parent As side of the family. Parent B very much plays the victim card (I have a strained relationship with them) and since GP died, parent B hasn’t mentioned their passing to me. I haven’t expressly mentioned this either to Parent B. Parent A is very upset and I have been supporting them. Parent A and B are still married and have been for 40 years. Relationship is OK - it was awful when I was younger as Parent B would say things about GP and A’s family and felt that they interfered too much in our family.

As I grew older, I would try and get involved in my GP’s life - going to visit a couple of times with my DC and going to weddings in the family. Parent B would always throw this in my face (breaking bread with the enemy in her eyes). When I was at a wedding years ago, GP told me that she wanted to see us (me and my brother) years ago so GP drove 3+ hours to see our neighbour (who was a pastor) to give them a letter, detailing the relationship with Parent B, and that Parent B was stopping contact.

Parent B and my DB have said we are not going to the funeral. They said it would make Parent A feel awkward because they hadn’t seen GP in about 7 years (due to covid / work / other reasons) and that Parent A is best supported by only going down to the grave after the funeral.

I’m just really stuck as to what I do. My family (DB and Parent B) are acting as if nothing has happened and that “we must stick together”. GP was very old but I’m still saddened by their passing. I’ve always been one to smooth things over and feel very angry that my relationship with Parent A’s family has been severed because Parent B had a fall out with them. To be honest, I think there is blame on both sides; GP’s family don’t like Parent B and I don’t think Parent B was ever welcome from the start (40 years ago!).

So, in this instance, would you go to the funeral (if I even receive an invite)? I’ve told Parent A that I would go with them, as I love Parent A dearly and I think it would be worse not going. DB and Parent B disagree and say we are NOT going as Parent A’s family will use this opportunity to kick A when they’re down.

I hope this makes sense - my DH said I should go to the funeral, to pay my respects, and it would be worse if Parent A doesn’t go.

WWYD?

I’d go. You don’t get invited to funerals, anyone can go. Of course people could ask people not to attend but there’s no formal inviting to funerals

The hidden genders is just tiresome, it was obvious even without the pronoun you forgot to remove. Show me a man who is ever accused of “playing the victim” 🤷🏻‍♀️

Any - your grandparents sound like they may have been a toxic interfering shitshow.

“When I was at a wedding years ago, GP told me that she wanted to see us (me and my brother) years ago so GP drove 3+ hours to see our neighbour (who was a pastor) to give them a letter, detailing the relationship with Parent B, and that Parent B was stopping contact”

The fuck ?

• putting themselves in (they think) an amazing light for this 3 hour drive. Didn’t happen like that. Nobody drives for 3 hours to give a neighbour a letter 🤷🏻‍♀️ They might drive 3 hours to shit stir though
• The fact that the neighbour was a pastor and you mentioned it is a slight red flag for me too - nothing like claiming the moral high ground by taking your shit stirring to the church…

You’re a grown adult. You don’t need your mum’s permission to go with your dad to a funeral. With other relatives who have seen you as an adult at weddings anyway. You are getting sucked into being a drama creator too - there is no “war” here. Just got.

And by the way - your mother has never accidentally sent you a message meant for your brother.

It’s interesting about the sending of the cards. I think your mum is jealous that the in laws want a relationship with you but not her. I can understand that to an extent, as their rejection must have been very hurtful. And I can even understand not wanting to send her children to her in laws when they did not want the mother.

But she is still trying to use you as a weapon against them now that you are an adult and that’s unacceptable. You are not responsible for their actions and you must do what feels right to you.

Your mom is incredibly manipulative. The way she “accidentally” sends you messages intended for your brother says it all. This may now be the time for you to decide your own future and your relationship with her. If you go with your father, you are clearly picking the “side” you wish to be on. Frankly your mother should be ashamed of her actions. Even if the family was hideous to her, she should not be getting in the way of your relationship with them . If your well being were at the heart of this, and if her motives were good, I don’t think you’d be in such a pickle over what to do.

@Testina thats what I mean - I get different stories from different family members! I know I’m an adult and want to support my dad. I’ve spoken to him today and think we will go to the funeral - I just know there will be a huge fallout from either dads fam or my mom

And by the way - your mother has never accidentally sent you a message meant for your brother.

Agree with this. Those messages are meant for you. DB is golden child. (try the Stately Homes thread).

What will the fallout be from dad’s family? Do some think he/you shouldn’t attend?

“Parent B would say things about GP and A’s family and felt that they interfered too much in our family.”

Say what you like about Parent B “playing the victim” but your GP told you themselves that they gave a letter (complaining) about her to her bloody neighbour!

So yeah, I can see that they might have been interfering types 🤣

Go. Support your dad at his father’s funeral, and say goodbye to your grandfather. You’re your own person, not your mother’s possession.

@Obki i think dad is scared as we hadn’t seen his dad in a few years (covid, he works away etc). It’s a fairly long drive as we live farther away now (I live 4 hours from grandpa and dad is about 6 hours) so not something we could do on the spur of the moment.

If we don’t go, I just know my uncle will completely cut my dad off. I think they kept in touch by text over the years with the odd call.

If we do go, we face the anger and upset of my brother and mom.

im glad a lot of people think to go - I want to support dad but I know he’s nervous.

Your GP and Parent B have in their lifetimes burned their bridges, Parent B perhaps understandably. You don't seem to be like them. Go to the funeral.

Sounds like parent A needs support so I would go, death really should be an exception to petty squabbles.

Explain to your mom your going only as suppprt and it’s not up to her to dictate who can go to a funeral or not.

Please go with your Dad to the funeral, your mum and brother sound awful, sorry. Your dad needs your support, it sounds like he has been controlled by your mum for years the poor chap.

You’re an adult so it depends on how you feel really. However, this bit bothers me
GP’s family don’t like Parent B and I don’t think Parent B was ever welcome from the start (40 years ago!).

If your mother was mistreated or even just never welcomed, I can understand the hurt and how they may feel betrayed by you. People are entitled to have feelings you know, and that includes your mother. That’s really really awful of your fathers family to never make her feel welcome, but to do so for her children. I think that makes it hard for your mother to see you with them. It doesn’t mean you have to do what she wants, but maybe you’d have a better relationship if you acknowledged your mothers hurt and how badly she was treated. I don’t know why people think it’s ok to reject their children’s partners and then think they can have healthy relationships with the grandchildren. It must still hurt your mother. Sometimes when we see someone’s behaviour we are too quick to berate or call them out, rather than trying to understand it comes from a place of pain and deep hurt.

Of course you should go, for your Parent A and yourself, and you do not need to be invited to a funeral. Your Parent B and DB should not expect you to take sides, it is not your "fight" and it is wrong that Parent B's anger has affected your childhood and relationship with your GPs and cousins. Please go. xx

Parent B is showing strong signs of Paranoid Personality Disorder (that doesn't mean they have it, but it might be a helpful lens) such as raising you in a way that has made you excessively focused on loyalty to them.

You are not being disloyal to Parent B by going to a funeral with Parent A, and parent B is actually being very controlling putting pressure on you and making up stories about what other people at the funeral are going to do or say when they have no idea having not spoken to them in years over perceived slights.

Healthy people with a balanced outlook on life don't generally judge others (or get offended for going to a funeral) or try to persuade them not to.

Go to the funeral, and long term do some research and try to unpick how much you've all been conditioned to let the world revolve around parent B.

Do the needs of parent A always get overlooked in favour of parent B? Did they actually want to end contact with their parent or did they do it because it made for an easier life with parent B? How much of your life do you let parent B dictate without them ever actually needing to say anything?

Your Mum & brother have made their choice and you have to respect that but the funeral isn’t about your Mum , it’s your Dad who is grieving and he’d probably appreciate a little support from his family which clearly he’s not going to get from your DM & DB. In your shoes I’d definitely go .

It sounds like the grandparents didn't approve of your mum from the start. And your mum has made them pay for that, big style. I mean if someone didn't approve of me, no fucking way would they get contact with my kids. To balance that however, your mum does sound a bit difficult and unpredictable.

On the other hand your dad has lost his father, you can just tell your mum and brother that you're going to support your dad and protect him from any lip given by other members of his family. Make it all about your dad, so that your mum and brother don't get too shitty. If they do get shitty, stand up to them and state the above.

Yes this. Support your parent who has lost their parent.

Your Mum may have a point. If they were horrible to her, or tried to prevent what turned out to be a marriage of 40+ years - I mean, your Dad's parents truly were her enemies. So she cut them off so that her little family could thrive.

Grown up, you don't get along well with DB or Mum. But your Dad is still in this marriage. From one perspective, it is you causing division. Between you and your Mum and brother, maybe between your Mum and Dad (by agonising over going to a funeral he had not planned to attend).

You want a fresh start with new family members - uncles, cousins. It will come at the cost of Mum and brother.

Do what you want and do not be controlled by others

Hi Op, I have had a very similar experience in that my dad always hated my grandpa (mum's dad), and often spoke badly of him and some of her wider family. There was an element of GP not liking dad too and not welcoming him, I suspect GP thought he wasn't good enough for mum. GP lived abroad and so we never really saw him but mum and I kept in touch with letters/calls/sporadic visits which dad always made disparaging comments about.

About 4/5 years ago GP died very suddenly and mum had to go abroad for the funeral. Dad refused to go and I said I wanted to go with mum to support her. He kicked off and was very abusive to us about going, citing money and all these things that weren't a factor. But I loved my GP and I love my mum massively so I was determined to support her. We went and I am so glad I did. The funeral was very meaningful, we had a beautiful graveside memorial and I had lots of great bonding time with my mum, aunts and uncles and cousins. In all honesty, I found it very hard to forgive my dad for his selfish behaviour. As much as he and GP did not get on, I felt he should have supported mum and just kept his mouth shut. Dad and I are actually NC now, for different reasons but ultimately because of his inability to think of anyone else.

I would go, I think even just to be there for Parent A and I think you may really regret it if you don't. This is not your problem, this is Parent Bs issue.

@fleecy yes you are 100% correct. I think in mom’s eyes, she really thought she was protecting us. I don’t believe she is to blame for this entirely - same as I don’t think my dads family are to blame. What you said is so right - if we go and then it all blows up in our faces - that’s my biggest fear. Either dads family will shut us off or my mum will. My parents do have a good marriage besides this (gotten stronger together as they’ve gotten older) but I think dad has had to choose sides.

Agree with testina and I also balked at the "pastor" reference.

Why not drive 3 hours to make it up with B, write a positive letter about how they will do anything to mend bridges?
3 hours to hand over a natsy letter???

Go with your dad, support him and think about what you would do as a parent in this situation eg what's to be commended about driving 3 hours to hand over a letter of hate and blame?