WWYD? Family at war

[MarmiRae]

I’m going to try and keep things neutral with pronouns as I’ve seen that sometimes genders can sway opinions.

Mt grandparent (of parent A) died last week. GP never really was involved in my life because of a huge falling out with Parent B over 30 years ago. I never had really any contact with my cousins / parent As side of the family. Parent B very much plays the victim card (I have a strained relationship with them) and since GP died, parent B hasn’t mentioned their passing to me. I haven’t expressly mentioned this either to Parent B. Parent A is very upset and I have been supporting them. Parent A and B are still married and have been for 40 years. Relationship is OK - it was awful when I was younger as Parent B would say things about GP and A’s family and felt that they interfered too much in our family.

As I grew older, I would try and get involved in my GP’s life - going to visit a couple of times with my DC and going to weddings in the family. Parent B would always throw this in my face (breaking bread with the enemy in her eyes). When I was at a wedding years ago, GP told me that she wanted to see us (me and my brother) years ago so GP drove 3+ hours to see our neighbour (who was a pastor) to give them a letter, detailing the relationship with Parent B, and that Parent B was stopping contact.

Parent B and my DB have said we are not going to the funeral. They said it would make Parent A feel awkward because they hadn’t seen GP in about 7 years (due to covid / work / other reasons) and that Parent A is best supported by only going down to the grave after the funeral.

I’m just really stuck as to what I do. My family (DB and Parent B) are acting as if nothing has happened and that “we must stick together”. GP was very old but I’m still saddened by their passing. I’ve always been one to smooth things over and feel very angry that my relationship with Parent A’s family has been severed because Parent B had a fall out with them. To be honest, I think there is blame on both sides; GP’s family don’t like Parent B and I don’t think Parent B was ever welcome from the start (40 years ago!).

So, in this instance, would you go to the funeral (if I even receive an invite)? I’ve told Parent A that I would go with them, as I love Parent A dearly and I think it would be worse not going. DB and Parent B disagree and say we are NOT going as Parent A’s family will use this opportunity to kick A when they’re down.

I hope this makes sense - my DH said I should go to the funeral, to pay my respects, and it would be worse if Parent A doesn’t go.

WWYD?

I also think you need and want to go for you.whether your dad braces it or not.because it sounds like from what you did witness you had an ok relationship.
but you need to have an honest and firm word with your dad. He will regret it if he doesn’t say goodbye. It sounds like he needs and wants to.and I’m all for supporting the wife but she needs to support him too.this is his parent.it’s the end.the last chance. It’s his family.for closure as much as anything else he needs to be allowed to do this preferably with her support. And if she really is against them she needs to let you no what’s so bad and fill you in on the bigger picture.
but you obviously want to go.this is someone’s death you don’t get a do over after this.

@shefliesonherownwings I’m so sorry you are in the same position. I’m glad you went - how did you find your mums family - were they welcoming? It’s the same situation but in reverse, isn’t it. It’s awful because they grandparent raised our parent and I can’t imagine how I would feel if one of my children cut me off. It’s a horrible situation to be in x

Good Idea about going to protect your dad and make him the focus.

Parent B is showing strong signs of Paranoid Personality Disorder (that doesn't mean they have it, but it might be a helpful lens)

This is so fucking stupid and wrong ti do. Typical Mumsnet Jfc No she isn’t. You wouldn’t be able to tell from a one sided post from her daughter. Stupid.

My father kept me away from his mother, she would try and visit us a couple of times over my life. I found out years later why and he was totally right, she was utterly terrible and he was trying to protect us.

@kateandme yes, totally. I want to go to say my goodbyes. I don’t want to cause upset with dads family if they don’t want us there. I need to speak to dad to see how the land lies and then make a final decision. I’m guessing since he passed last week it should be within next couple of weeks.

So tell him or be there with him to have a calm non confrontational talk with your mum. That this isn’t about picking sides and she knows he loves her more than anyone.she is his family.but this is his parents death and he needs closure on that.he needs to be able to say goodbye and see them off.for his well-being not for his families.that this isn’t him choosing them but choosing himself.

Could you make a phone call then to pass on condolences.then work the funeral details into that.they will then tell you if it’s very private or you tell them the. Your dad wants to be there

@wahinetoa that’s exactly what my brother says - that there are things my mom has told him that she won’t tell me (no idea why!) and that’s why we were apart.

@MarmiRae maybe she doesn’t want to now for some reason. My parents were born in the 40’s, their generation and the one above were a lot more secretive IMO. I can’t believe the things I didn’t know, I did some family history stuff and what my father told me checks out. As I got older I could see my father wasn’t angry, just extremely hurt. My DH went NC with his family and would never have his SM around our daughter because he doesn’t trust her. You never know, maybe your mother did you a massive favour and feels hurt and worried they’ll treat you badly. Family’s are so complex!! And difficult!

Thanks @kateandme - I’ll do that.

If you were directly told of the death, I'd take that as essentially the invitation, though I would contact whoever is arranging the funeral and get their thoughts, or the person who gave the news if I wasn't sure who was doing that as you've said it's been a week.

I'd go as long as the person arranging the funeral didn't think there would be an issue (limits by the location can be just as much of an issue in this as family drama or some having ideas on who 'should' be at funerals).

Your mum and brother or your father's family may use this as a stick either way, but that's likely to be on-going whether you go or not. It's hard when there is family drama and the fears of what they're going to do colour it, but for me having been to many funerals, I've learned the funeral rituals matter a lot to me and those who cause issues at or about them are just going to keep doing so no matter what you do.

So, in this instance, would you go to the funeral (if I even receive an invite)?

As others have said, invites aren't usually a thing.

If you want to go then do so. If there might be "trouble" from other family members then just go to to the service, sit quietly at the back and don't go to the "afterwards".

You absolutely should go to the funeral as should parent A. Your relationship with them is nothing do to with parent B.

I would also say, it sounds like parent B is the problem here from the fact they 'dislike a lot of people and would rather partner not go their own parents funeral.

I assume you don't have a partner and therefore have no in laws of your own yet. If your Dad's parents treated your mother so appallingly that even your Dad went no contact and wanted you to be no contact with them then you have to accept that your parents chose that. If you want to go to your grandfather's funeral go but don't make a song and dance about it. It also sounds like you may be going to punish your mother so I would think carefully before going for that reason alone.

I am one of six children.

When my Mother died only four of us went to her funeral, at one point only one was going to attend. It is actually irrelevant what happened in your family what is relevant is that you as an individual have the choice to go just as some are choosing not to go.

I attended my FIL funeral to support my DH, FIL was a racist, I am mixed race, I did not like him. I ate some very nice cake and really enjoyed seeing DH cousin who I hadn’t seen for a while.

As an adult I do as I please, I suggest you do the same.

Maybe as your brother why he thinks it is right to keep facts from you, as an adult, that might help you understand why your mother acts in the way that she does.

Ask him to help you understand why your mother's needs in this circumstance are more important than your father's.

Put your point that you think this is a moment which might bring healing between your father and his brother and might be healing for the whole family now that both your father's parents are dead. You, your brother and your cousins might find comfort in this, knowing that the current and future generations do not bear the weight of the family fall out, going forward.

You can accept that your grandparents hurt your mother and understanding the nature of that hurt can help you to see your mother's needs as well as your fathers but also to put your own needs in the picture and to recognise your need to feel connected to your father's family, even if you know that the now dead grandparent's behaviour was unacceptable, harmful and that your mother was right in protecting you from them - if that is indeed the case - but you do deserve the full facts so that you can make that assessment for yourself..... as an adult..... you are their child.... but you are no longer a child... and you are certainly as much an adult as your brother and he should not be treating you like a child.

If either side of the family shut you off for "going / not going" to a funeral, then they're not worth having in your life anyway.

Go, support your Dad, and deal with any consequences with your head held high in the knowledge that you've done absolutely nothing wrong.

All other things considered, I would support your grieving parent (your dad?). My MIL has a partner that dh and I have nothing to do with (he's a convicted paedophile). I wouldn't feel the least bit sad to hear he had died. BUT dh and I would go to the funeral to support MIL because we care for her and recognise she is also in an abusive relationship and it's the right thing to do for her.

However, I would make an exception if there are very obvious reasons why your mum and brother don't want to be involved. For example, this GP abused db when younger and your mum is trying to protect him and the rest of the family. That doesn't necessarily sound like that's the case, but that would be the sort of thing I would make a very clear exception for, if that's what they asked me to do.

I think you have to do what you think will give you the most peace and what you think is right. If you want to go to the funeral, and/or your dad wants to go and you want to be there for him, then you should. Your mum has no right to dictate whether you or your father go to your grandfather’s funeral. Trying to do so is very wrong. The only thing she should have any say over is whether she goes, or not.

However, when it comes the relationship (or lack of) between your mum and your grandparents- and it doesn’t sound like your dad had much to do with them over the years either- it’s hard to say where the rights and wrongs lie. Maybe she had good reason to keep them at arms length? It would certainly seem that your father hasn’t taken a different stance, so that may well be the case. Or it could be that your mother is unreasonable and has manipulated/controlled your father and her children for all this time. Perhaps rights and wrongs on both sides, with entrenches positions over the years. I don’t think you actually know the truth, which makes it hard to know what is best.

I would say that I’m not convinced your grandfather driving hours to see a pastor to tell him how awful your mother was is necessarily an indicator of good intentions, though the alternative slant on that is that he was acting out of desperation.

I guess the bottom line is the need to respect each other’s decisions as adults- hers to view your grandparents as she does, yours to go to your grandfather’s funeral.

Your mum is being so unreasoble. She sounds very emotionally immature and manipulative. She can make choices for herself and decide who she does and doesn't want in her life, but she cannot dictate that for others. And then choose to punish you all when you don't agree with her. She sounds pretty emotionally abusive to be honest. I can't imagine she will change as people like this never ever admit to being in anyway at fault, or are able to reflect on their actions or role in things. However I would 100% go to the funeral and encourage your dad to go if he wants to. It's not something you want to have regrets about. I'm sure he feels so many conflicting emotions and grief, especially as his father has now died and he can't ever mend those broken bridges. It's heart breaking and your mum and brother are being so selfish and cruel. They need to realise this isn't about them. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Your poor dad

And if you do go and are worried about your dad's family, can you reach out before hand? Acknowledge that it's been an awful situation, and that you know there has been a great deal of hurt all round, and that you want to come and pay your respects, even though it might be painful.

I agree with @misskatamari I'm getting definite emotional controlling vibes from what OP has said about her Mum, and the Golden Child Brother is following in her footsteps - so he gets the inside scoop and lets OP know he has but doesn't actually tell her the info on what has happened? what an arsey thing to do.

It is all so ridiculous. I have always been kept in the dark (dad and I are the ostriches with our heads in the sand) but I don’t believe there was any abuse at all from my dads dad. I think it’s purely they didn’t like my mom so the rift grew and my mom gave my dad an ultimatum - them or her (and my brother and I).

What's your dads version of events?