I’m going to try and keep things neutral with pronouns as I’ve seen that sometimes genders can sway opinions.
Mt grandparent (of parent A) died last week. GP never really was involved in my life because of a huge falling out with Parent B over 30 years ago. I never had really any contact with my cousins / parent As side of the family. Parent B very much plays the victim card (I have a strained relationship with them) and since GP died, parent B hasn’t mentioned their passing to me. I haven’t expressly mentioned this either to Parent B. Parent A is very upset and I have been supporting them. Parent A and B are still married and have been for 40 years. Relationship is OK - it was awful when I was younger as Parent B would say things about GP and A’s family and felt that they interfered too much in our family.
As I grew older, I would try and get involved in my GP’s life - going to visit a couple of times with my DC and going to weddings in the family. Parent B would always throw this in my face (breaking bread with the enemy in her eyes). When I was at a wedding years ago, GP told me that she wanted to see us (me and my brother) years ago so GP drove 3+ hours to see our neighbour (who was a pastor) to give them a letter, detailing the relationship with Parent B, and that Parent B was stopping contact.
Parent B and my DB have said we are not going to the funeral. They said it would make Parent A feel awkward because they hadn’t seen GP in about 7 years (due to covid / work / other reasons) and that Parent A is best supported by only going down to the grave after the funeral.
I’m just really stuck as to what I do. My family (DB and Parent B) are acting as if nothing has happened and that “we must stick together”. GP was very old but I’m still saddened by their passing. I’ve always been one to smooth things over and feel very angry that my relationship with Parent A’s family has been severed because Parent B had a fall out with them. To be honest, I think there is blame on both sides; GP’s family don’t like Parent B and I don’t think Parent B was ever welcome from the start (40 years ago!).
So, in this instance, would you go to the funeral (if I even receive an invite)? I’ve told Parent A that I would go with them, as I love Parent A dearly and I think it would be worse not going. DB and Parent B disagree and say we are NOT going as Parent A’s family will use this opportunity to kick A when they’re down.
I hope this makes sense - my DH said I should go to the funeral, to pay my respects, and it would be worse if Parent A doesn’t go.
WWYD?