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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WWYD? Family at war

133 replies

MarmiRae · 19/10/2022 04:25

I’m going to try and keep things neutral with pronouns as I’ve seen that sometimes genders can sway opinions.

Mt grandparent (of parent A) died last week. GP never really was involved in my life because of a huge falling out with Parent B over 30 years ago. I never had really any contact with my cousins / parent As side of the family. Parent B very much plays the victim card (I have a strained relationship with them) and since GP died, parent B hasn’t mentioned their passing to me. I haven’t expressly mentioned this either to Parent B. Parent A is very upset and I have been supporting them. Parent A and B are still married and have been for 40 years. Relationship is OK - it was awful when I was younger as Parent B would say things about GP and A’s family and felt that they interfered too much in our family.

As I grew older, I would try and get involved in my GP’s life - going to visit a couple of times with my DC and going to weddings in the family. Parent B would always throw this in my face (breaking bread with the enemy in her eyes). When I was at a wedding years ago, GP told me that she wanted to see us (me and my brother) years ago so GP drove 3+ hours to see our neighbour (who was a pastor) to give them a letter, detailing the relationship with Parent B, and that Parent B was stopping contact.

Parent B and my DB have said we are not going to the funeral. They said it would make Parent A feel awkward because they hadn’t seen GP in about 7 years (due to covid / work / other reasons) and that Parent A is best supported by only going down to the grave after the funeral.

I’m just really stuck as to what I do. My family (DB and Parent B) are acting as if nothing has happened and that “we must stick together”. GP was very old but I’m still saddened by their passing. I’ve always been one to smooth things over and feel very angry that my relationship with Parent A’s family has been severed because Parent B had a fall out with them. To be honest, I think there is blame on both sides; GP’s family don’t like Parent B and I don’t think Parent B was ever welcome from the start (40 years ago!).

So, in this instance, would you go to the funeral (if I even receive an invite)? I’ve told Parent A that I would go with them, as I love Parent A dearly and I think it would be worse not going. DB and Parent B disagree and say we are NOT going as Parent A’s family will use this opportunity to kick A when they’re down.

I hope this makes sense - my DH said I should go to the funeral, to pay my respects, and it would be worse if Parent A doesn’t go.

WWYD?

OP posts:
DelphiniumBlue · 19/10/2022 07:40

Your Mum sounds like a nightmare tbh, of course GP "wanted his son back" and his sons together. That is a normal thing.
Surely no one in their right mind would make an issue out of someone attending a family member's funeral. Your poor Dad, he must feel so unsupported. Has he always played second fiddle to your Mum?

Smineusername · 19/10/2022 07:41

You've referred to Parent B as 'her' so it's clear who they are

Igmum · 19/10/2022 07:42

Go to the funeral. You don't get invites to funerals, just find out when and whereand turn up. So sorry for your loss Flowers

Original poster
MarmiRae · 19/10/2022 07:45

Thanks @Igmum ❤️

@Smineusername i was trying to keep it neutral but failed miserably! I couldn’t sleep as was talking to DH about the funeral and what I should do. I’ve given up now and posted a few mins ago what genders are as even I was confusing myself!

Thanks all - I’m going to speak again with my dad and see about the funeral. I would like to go to support dad, so will see if I can get my uncles number to speak with them.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 19/10/2022 07:46

Your mother does not get to decide whether or not your dad goes to his own dad’s funeral. That is really controlling. Go to your grandfather’s funeral with him. Be prepared to protect your dad from any nastiness if any arises. The fact that your brother is on a pedestal and your mum gets on with you one day and not the next would make me think there’s a rather unhealthy family dynamic going on.

BatshitBanshee · 19/10/2022 07:50

Your mother is nuts, trying to carry on an argument with a dead man.

I'd tell your dad that you're going to the funeral and he's welcome to join you. He might feel a bit more comfortable to "tag along" rather than be the driving force here. I'm sorry for your loss and for being in this situation.

Whiskers4 · 19/10/2022 07:51

Not your job to smooth things over.
You do totally whats right for you as if your parents weren't around. So if it feels right to go to GP's funeral to show your respect/mourn/celebrate their life. go.If not, nothing to stop you marking them in some way at home, flowers/a few mins set aside to think of times spent together/a donation to charity you think they'd have supported.

Hope you work out what's right for you.

MrsTimRiggins · 19/10/2022 07:56

If you want to go to the funeral, go. It’s no one else’s choice but your own. Your mother sounds, frankly, horrible. Regardless of what truly happened wrt to your dad’s father, she sounds as though she is a very controlling divisive woman, and sadly your brother has jumped on the bandwagon.

Spanielsarepainless · 19/10/2022 07:58

Go and support your father. He's lost his father or mother. Your mother and brother have decided not to go but you shouldn't let them stop you.

BatteryPoweredMammy · 19/10/2022 08:04

Your mother is being very controlling and she needs to butt out. She’s clearly partially responsible for the breakdown on their relationship given the venomous approach she’s taken to controlling access to her children, especially given it’s all about her and not about potential abuse of the children.

So what if the in-laws were awful to her when younger, she shouldn’t have let it affect your relationship with your GP, and this is all about supporting your poor dad who’s lost a parent. He should be your priority, not letting your mum score points with a dead man!

It sounds like you need some counselling to help you stand up to your mother and stop her controlling your lives any further. You don’t want to repeat this pattern of abusive behaviour with the next generation…

notanothertakeaway · 19/10/2022 08:05

What does your dad say happened years ago? Were his parents horrible to your mum?

Weatherwax13 · 19/10/2022 08:06

You'll never know the full story or how much fault lies on either side - or even what role your dad played over the years with divided loyalties. As you said yourself what's the truth and what's a lie?
But either way, absolutely none of this is your doing.
It's obviously really upsetting your mum. Maybe all this attention focussed on your grandfather is triggering and feels undeserved. Or maybe she's jealous and completely unreasonable! It's a quandary.
But you're an adult who has to decide on her own priorities so it's your call. Perhaps once this issue is quite literally laid to rest some calm will finally descend on the family.

Obki · 19/10/2022 08:09

You have previously been in contact with your dad’s side of the family (going to weddings and visiting with dc) and you were also planning to visit your grandfather 2 days before he died, so I don’t see that it’s such a monumental step to go to his funeral.

I think you’re overthinking this. What was your dad’s reaction when you told him you want to go?

Just tell your mother you refuse to discuss it if she objects.

Lalliella · 19/10/2022 08:12

If you and A want to go, then go. B and your DB both sound controlling. They can’t speak for you and say you all aren’t going. GP was A’s parent, of course they should go. And you have a mind of your own, you should go too.

Bobbins36 · 19/10/2022 08:13

Go to the funeral, say goodbye to your GP and support your grieving parent x

Original poster
MarmiRae · 19/10/2022 08:15

@Obki my mom was furious when I went to the family wedding years ago (my cousin got married and I hadn’t seen him since I was 7?) but I think my uncle wanted him to invite us, so I went with my DH. Mom said I was a Judas for breaking bread with the enemy. That’s when I was told about the whole driving across the country thing.

With Regards to going to see him, it was just dad and I, we hadn’t really said anything to mom. She always used to be angry when my dad would visit when we were younger (literally say to us “when you come back, I won’t be here”). Lots and lots of emotional abuse, but my brother doesn’t see that. He sees it as mom protecting us and not wanting us to leave (?!). It’s all so messed up. I’m grieving for my grandpa and the relationship I never had with him; and for my dad. Dad would try and keep things civil but I guess it upset my mom too much and they’ve been together so long (he’s 56 so with my mom since he was 16!) he couldn’t be without her.

I did try and build bridges but then mom would be furious. My mom continued sending birthday cards / Christmas cards to them though, so not sure why that was ok!

OP posts:
Hbh17 · 19/10/2022 08:18

This is hilarious. Firstly, the relevant genders were explicitly disclosed in the OP, in spite of all the A and B stuff.
Secondly, assuming the writer is an adult, why so much agonising over what to do? If you want to go, then go. If you don't want to go, then stay away. It really is nobody else's business.
This really is a classic example of why family matters are best avoided!

ChookityPok · 19/10/2022 08:20

You’re an adult, you do what you want, surely? And you don’t need an invite for a funeral.

Goosygandy · 19/10/2022 08:21

My MiL isn't very nice to me and never has been. Nor have the rest of the family particularly. However, unless they were absolute abusers and put my children at risk, I think it's none of my business. I actively encourage my children to spend time with that side of the family, because I don't think my issues with them should impact their opportunities to have an extended family.

Anything else would be really manipulative in my view.

Equally my mum tried to pull this trick with my uncle who we'd known since we were born but who she later fell out with. I invited him for Christmas and my wedding. Sometimes just following your own path and not allowing yourself to be manipulated is the only way. Look up triangulation and the drama triangle to see how you are being played. It may be by both sides, but you can choose not to get trapped by either side.

Dreamingcats · 19/10/2022 08:22

If you and A want to go (which it sounds like you do), I'd go. I'm not going to be ordered about as an adult like that.

Original poster
MarmiRae · 19/10/2022 08:25

@Hbh17 jeez, thanks for the useful comment. Yes, I am an adult. Glad it’s hilarious to you.

OP posts:
CatNamedEaster · 19/10/2022 08:27

@MargotChateau the book is "Happy Relationships at home, work and play" by Lucy Beresford.
I've not read any relationship type books before but I'm finding it helpful already, getting me to shift my perspective slightly and think about why I'm really saying what I'm saying. I had a situation yesterday with DH that would usually have had me reacting with anger (he wasn't going to be available to deal with someone) but I realised I was actually feeling fear/anxiety about facing the confrontation by myself...so instead of flying off the handle I said "I'm just upset because I'm worried about talking to them." Completely different outcome from what would have happened before I started reading it.😊

ChocFrog · 19/10/2022 08:27

Only an asshole tries to persuade people not to go to a family member’s funeral. Funerals are a time for forgiving and forgetting, and showing respect for the dead, while acknowledging that we too will die one day and should sort out our petty squabbles before then. It’s also closure.

Parent B sounds like a total bullying dick.

Support A and go to the funeral with her, and stop letting Parent B’s manipulative crap bully you.

I can see why Parent A’s family didn’t think much of Parent B…

Don’t know if you’ll get an invite it might just be an announcement in local church newsletter, stay in touch with the family to know more.

Sceptre86 · 19/10/2022 08:31

I haven't read (excuse me if I've missed it) what your dad would like to do. Neither your mum or your brother get to tell him he can't go to his father's funeral. Did he go to his mother's? I'm guessing if he didn't that could impact on how much he would be welcomed by his own family but funerals are a sad time and most people aren't nasty on purpose. Speak to your dad, tell him that you are going and he is welcome to join you. Leave the ball in his court.

EstellaRijnveld · 19/10/2022 08:34

Your mum is trying to coercively control both you and your dad, she is emotionally abusive. Coercive control is illegal in this country for a reason as it destroys families. Go to the funeral to support your dad and don't discuss it with your mum.