Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask why you gave DC his last name?

488 replies

Tsort · 18/10/2022 23:10

If you kept your name/aren’t married, but gave DC their father’s last name (as opposed to double barrelling or giving them you own), may I ask why?

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 19/10/2022 10:27

I always think these threads are just snooty excuses to judge other women for not being feminist enough Confused but whatever.

Because I was 19 and assumed that we would get married later
I thought it was the normal thing to do
I didn't want to put up with a load of accusatory questioning from my EA ex about why I didn't want our son to have his name. (He still won't agree to it being changed even though he hasn't had any contact in 12 years at his own choice!!)

NorthernSoul55 · 19/10/2022 10:59

I have had to spell my surname every time I say it all my life (despite it being spelled phonetically, exactly as it sounds) and have comments such as 'ooh that's unusual, never heard that before' etc etc. It was, however, my name and how I was known personally and professionally.
I didn't want it for my children so they have OHs name which no one has difficulty with. When they were younger I answered to anything school/Dr's chose to call me including Mrs OH, as correcting anyone more than once was a chore.

Noviembre · 19/10/2022 11:02

Because I dislike mine. It's clunky, hard to say right and sounds awful with their first names. My partner's is classy and melodic and has some great history and meaning.

It was always my intention to simply choose the more pleasant name. One would rather be a Lockwood than a Fartenface.

phoenixrosehere · 19/10/2022 11:03

I wanted to.

I had planned to keep my name despite the level of sexual jokes I got for it but then my dad went off on a xenophobic rant about me moving overseas to join my husband and ignored the fact that he himself had only visited me twice in seven years, showing it was him caring about himself than me. Plus, I come from a massive family so barring the world ending, very unlikely the “family name” will die out.

If my DH and I happened to divorce, I would still keep the name because we have children together and if I remarried, then would likely hyphenate it.

Paddingtonthebear · 19/10/2022 14:48

NorthernSoul55 · 19/10/2022 10:59

I have had to spell my surname every time I say it all my life (despite it being spelled phonetically, exactly as it sounds) and have comments such as 'ooh that's unusual, never heard that before' etc etc. It was, however, my name and how I was known personally and professionally.
I didn't want it for my children so they have OHs name which no one has difficulty with. When they were younger I answered to anything school/Dr's chose to call me including Mrs OH, as correcting anyone more than once was a chore.

Exactly the same here.

blitzen · 19/10/2022 15:16

I'm married but kept my own name. I don't have a problem having my dad's surname and don't mind my son having his dad's surname. Our surnames don't particularly work well as a double barrel. Also, mine is much more unusual than husband's quite common surname and I didn't mind my kid having a bit more anonymity in future on social media etc.

PaperMonster · 19/10/2022 15:35

His surname fit better with the forename we wanted. That was it really.

ahunf · 20/10/2022 09:10

@Badgirlriri Ok badly worded. I've only ever heard people on here say it's a bad idea.

IMissVino · 13/11/2022 22:57

Youdoyoutoday · 19/10/2022 10:26

Because I believed we would get married eventually!!!

Who goes in to a relationship/having a child with someone thinking you'll do for the next few months so I'll give the kid my name? 🤣

You are aware that not all women change their names when they get married, right? I mean, it’s literally how the OP begins.

As such, thinking ‘you'll do for the next few months so I'll give the kid my name’ isn’t a prerequisite for giving your child your last name. Or double barrelling.

NeedAChangeAsIAmSoooOuting · 13/11/2022 23:07

As an unmarried woman I double barrelled my sons name. Then his dad disappeared for over 10 years and I got called Mrs my.name-his.name by people. I wish I'd just given him my name but I do like the sound of his surname it sounds quite grand.

golddustwomen · 13/11/2022 23:08

Meant way more to him than it did to me. Although I would keep my last name when we are married, purely because I'm lazy and I don't think his surname goes well with my first name to be honest.

Original poster
Tsort · 13/11/2022 23:12

golddustwomen · 13/11/2022 23:08

Meant way more to him than it did to me. Although I would keep my last name when we are married, purely because I'm lazy and I don't think his surname goes well with my first name to be honest.

Meant way more to him than it did to me.

Why do you think that is?

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 13/11/2022 23:33

Foolishly, at the time I didn’t think it was very important

Dogtooth · 13/11/2022 23:41

His name is really common and I wanted them to be able to disappear on internet etc if they wanted!

Poke · 13/11/2022 23:43

His surname is more interesting than mine.

Also, at school I really disliked being at the end of the register- I was generally last for everything. From getting spelling test results to being last on the coach on school trips. It annoyed me greatly.

His name is further up the alphabet!

Hoowhoowho · 14/11/2022 00:10

Because they all have family middle names from my side so felt fair to have surname from his (it’s his mother’s surname anyway so not patrilineal)

Then with DC3 I decided it was my turn, so my two living children have different surnames despite being full siblings.

DH’s sister meanwhile has given her children her surname and chosen first names from her husband’s culture.

So my children are (not real names)
Mary Esposito (deceased)
David Esposito
Emily Smith

and their cousins are
Hamish Esposito
Fiona Esposito

DH’s surname from his mother’s side reflects his minority ethnic origin and I sometimes wonder if my youngest daughter will wish she had that too rather than my White British surname.

Stompythedinosaur · 14/11/2022 00:24

Because dp actively wanted to pass on his name, and I associated mine with my abusive f and hate it.

In hindsight, I wish I have made a more feminist choice (I think maybe I wish we'd just picked a new surname) but I have gained a better perspective as I've got older.

Original poster
Tsort · 14/11/2022 00:30

Hoowhoowho · 14/11/2022 00:10

Because they all have family middle names from my side so felt fair to have surname from his (it’s his mother’s surname anyway so not patrilineal)

Then with DC3 I decided it was my turn, so my two living children have different surnames despite being full siblings.

DH’s sister meanwhile has given her children her surname and chosen first names from her husband’s culture.

So my children are (not real names)
Mary Esposito (deceased)
David Esposito
Emily Smith

and their cousins are
Hamish Esposito
Fiona Esposito

DH’s surname from his mother’s side reflects his minority ethnic origin and I sometimes wonder if my youngest daughter will wish she had that too rather than my White British surname.

This sounds so fun!

OP posts:
AngeloMysterioso · 14/11/2022 00:33

I kept my name for my own reasons, but I knew it was important to DH that they have his surname and I didn’t care enough about it either way to insist otherwise. I may yet change my name one day, maybe on our ten year anniversary or something.

Original poster
Tsort · 14/11/2022 00:36

AngeloMysterioso · 14/11/2022 00:33

I kept my name for my own reasons, but I knew it was important to DH that they have his surname and I didn’t care enough about it either way to insist otherwise. I may yet change my name one day, maybe on our ten year anniversary or something.

Why do you think you didn’t care/why do you think it was important to him?

Was there ever any question of you all having your last name?

OP posts:
Puppyseahorse · 14/11/2022 00:37

Lots of attempts at justification here but OP I think you know the answer- tradition, patriarchy, internalised messages about the ‘head of the family’, ‘man of the house’ and the value of women etc. Tradition is sexist because history was sexist and many people are still afraid of nonconformity.

What are you hoping to learn, OP?

knitnerd90 · 14/11/2022 00:39

DH & I have very distinctively ethnic names. Put them together and it's a right mouthful, so that was out. We rolled dice to decide which name they got. His name won.

shoogled · 14/11/2022 00:46

Because mine is a truly awful one, the surname is so rare I've never met or heard of anyone with it who isn't related. It gets mostly sarcastic but also nasty comments from everyone who comes across it and it wasn't something I'd put my children through.

Original poster
Tsort · 14/11/2022 00:57

Puppyseahorse · 14/11/2022 00:37

Lots of attempts at justification here but OP I think you know the answer- tradition, patriarchy, internalised messages about the ‘head of the family’, ‘man of the house’ and the value of women etc. Tradition is sexist because history was sexist and many people are still afraid of nonconformity.

What are you hoping to learn, OP?

There have actually been a few left field, non patriarchal reasons that I wasn’t expecting, and I found that really interesting.

It would also be interesting to see if anyone has actually articulated to themselves that it is a sexist tradition/they’re scared of nonconformity/and so on, decided they’re alright with that and still gone forward with giving the kids the man’s last name.

OP posts:
LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 14/11/2022 00:58

Tsort · 18/10/2022 23:29

I think it’s interesting that you refer to your last name as your maiden name and see it as belonging to your father, while you refer to your DH’s as his name. Is that how you think of your respective names?

Show quote history

That's effectively how we were bought up. I don't know if it's the same in UK but here if man wants to take his wife's name he has to apply to change it, whereas a woman can legally take her husband's name using the marriage certificate. I didn't consider keeping my surname on marriage because of my abusive grandfather, it was all very much about carrying on the male lineage for him. Now we're splitting up I wish I hadn't taken his name, but it's now our DCs name too. I wouldn't actually want my maiden name back, and I probably won't bother, but if I still feel the same when my DC are grown I might change my middle name to my surname. My first and middle name feel like they're mine, neither my maiden or married surname feel like they belong to me.