To ask why you gave DC his last name?

[Tsort]

If you kept your name/aren’t married, but gave DC their father’s last name (as opposed to double barrelling or giving them you own), may I ask why?

So while I also totally respect anyone who makes this decision, it does seem to be abused women and girls who choose to give up their name more often than abused boys and men.

Which may actually be a sign of strength in the women.

One of my brothers hates our childhood surname. Absolutely detests it. Also hates his first name.

He’s chosen not to have children to avoid giving them his surname and refused to marry his partner for years unless she guaranteed she’d never change her name.

However, he’d never change his name because in his eyes that would let my father “win” and said multiple times “but what would people think”

I gave my girls ex’s surname with the intention of changing to that when we married. When that didn’t happen I planned to change my surname to something else when I turned 30, but by then I’d met DH and decided to go with his when we married.
I changed my first name informally at 14 when I moved school and legally at 18.

Yet when people look at him and I it’s somehow me that’s viewed as the weak victim of patriarchy because I changed my name…

What you’ve described with your BIL seems fairly common, sadly. And, I completely agree, it does seem to be abused women and girls who choose to give up their name more often than abused boys and men.

The situation your uni mate sounds particularly sad.

I didn’t realise this thread was still going but yep agree OP definitely rooted in patriarchal traditions, one way or another and for the majority I bet, not all obviously. I just don’t get how men seem to have all the cool names but women seem to have shit ones they don’t like or have negative associations with but men don’t seem to have that issue 🤷‍♀️

I gave both of my DC's their dads last names simply because I have a horrible last name that isn't straightforward to spell. Coupled with my first name that is also hard to pronounce/spell I'd spend years correcting my name and didn't want to put my children through the same thing. Their dads (diff dads) have nice normal last names 😂
Obviously there is the fact that I will always have a different last name to my children but

I grew up in the same situation and it never bothered me!

I said my main reason was that I didn't care and my husband did. You didn't like that answer.

I didn’t dislike it. I asked you why you thought that was. It’s not a particularly philosophical question, but clearly it’s not one that you liked very much.

I do think this is a key point whether we want to acknowledge it or not. WHY didn't you care when you husband did? And more relevantly, why is it that it is ALWAYS the men who care while the women don't? Could it possibly have anything to do with growing up surrounded by women who have changed their name while men don't? It's totally normalized.

Which may actually be a sign of strength in the women.

In our society, a woman changing her name doesn’t require strength, though. It is the widely accepted norm to which society expects one to conform. Whether or not you’re happy with said conformity is a personal choice, but conforming isn’t a difficult thing to do.

I don’t disagree with the rest of what you’ve said.

It died down, then rose again. The never ending thread. 😂

@JustLyra I understand the point you're making but I instinctively disagree. I think it's more likely that abused women find it easier to change their names because the concept of a women changing her name is not considered weird in the same way that a man changing his name is.

If a woman changes her name, there is seldom a single question asked. If a man changes his name, lots of questions are asked. There's also this slightly odd societal view that a man's name is sooo important and that might be partly why your brother doesn't feel he can change it.

I'm not for a second saying he MUST change it. Just that I'm not convinced that women changing their names in the case of abuse is because they are stronger. It's simply less taboo for them to do so and therefore easier.

I understand the point you're making but I instinctively disagree. I think it's more likely that abused women find it easier to change their names because the concept of a women changing her name is not considered weird in the same way that a man changing his name is

I agree. In my last job I managed a database and women would request access, then when I couldn’t find them on the system it was “teehee, I got married, it must be under my maiden name”. Infuriating.

but when one man changed his name to his new wife’s he was the talk of the company for months. Lots of not very nice comments about trousers and hens.

my name is difficult to spell and even harder to pronounce. However my dad died when I was 9 so I never considered changing it, never practiced writing mrs boy crush at school like my friends. It was simply never an option. I don’t have one moments regret not having the same name as my kids, in fact it has a surprising amount of positives.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion.

all I’ll say is that if you think women get it easy when they change their first name, or plan to change their surname when they’re not getting married then you’re very, very much mistaken.

Because it's traditional to do so here.

Because I'm married to him.

I like tradition and didn't see a need to make a statement on this issue.

Our relationship is strong and equal, not every decision needs to be about a symbolic statement against the patriarchy.

What a tiresome and pointless way that would be to live.

To be clear, I'm talking about women changing their name on marriage because of "abuse". My point was, and still is, that it's almost always abused women who say, "I took my DH's name because I didn't want my dad's name" never abused men who say, "I took DW's name because I didn't want my dad's name". As per my BIL example - he hates his dad but still fought with SIL to ensure she gave their DC his name.

I suspect anyone, man or woman, who chooses to change their name outside of the standard convention of marriage, would be asked questions. But if it's done for marriage, it's the woman who tends to do it not the men and who always seems to have a reason.

I think this is a perfectly valid answer. You made a choice, knowing perfectly well that it was a choice you were making because of "tradition".

It's the many many women who claim "tradition" had nothing to do with it that I find mind boggling.

Sadly your brother was letting him win by letting it affect his life so much.

A therapist would have been healthier and cheaper.

I know it's not the question you asked but DC has my surname and it was one of my requirements if we had kids without being married. No way was I putting my body through that to then have a different surname to my own child. Would have been happy to double barrel but DP didn't want that.

Because it's traditional to do so here.

Did you change your name when you got married? If so, this thread isn’t directed at you.

Our relationship is strong and equal, not every decision needs to be about a symbolic statement against the patriarchy. What a tiresome and pointless way that would be to live.

It’s possible to have a strong and equal partnership whilst being aware of and questioning that impact of the patriarchy on one’s choices. It’s not tiresome and I consider an unexamined life to be a life half lived. But, each to their own.

I know two men who did this.

We had this conversation fairly early on. I was very clear that I wanted to get married and have kids (I wasn’t doing one without the other), I had no intention of changing my name at any point in my lifetime, and said kids would be getting my name, but I was happy for it to be double barrelled with his.

It was a passing 10 minute chat to make sure we were on the same page before things got super serious. We were and we’ve never had to revisit it.

I'm sure you equally disapprove of women taking their husband's name on marriage so totally disingenuous of you to suggest that your confusion/question is only to women who give their children their husband's names.

For what it's worth: I use my husband's name for anything linked to family and have retained my own name professionally.

My life isn't unexamined, it's just not one long ideological crusade.

I do what works for me.

I'm sure you equally disapprove of women taking their husband's name on marriage so totally disingenuous of you to suggest that your confusion/question is only to women who give their children their husband's names.

No confusion. The question is, literally: If you kept your name/aren’t married, but gave DC their father’s last name (as opposed to double barrelling or giving them you own), may I ask why? It’s explicitly directed solely at women who kept their own names. It could not possibly have been clearer.

For what it's worth: I use my husband's name for anything linked to family and have retained my own name professionally.

Good for you. It’s not worth anything as I didn’t ask.

My life isn't unexamined, it's just not one long ideological crusade. I do what works for me.

Again, nobody asked.

Is @TangerineDreaming actually @MalagaNights having a nc fail?

For what it's worth: I use my husband's name for anything linked to family and have retained my own name professionally

may I ask why?

isn’t it a pain the arse? Many of my colleagues do so and switching between the two names seems so much trouble. I just use my own name professionally and personally.

i know people say about same name as kids, but many of our juniors start using Mrs x personally as soon as they get married, so no kids involved.

i guess what I’m asking is if you use your own name day to day at work, why is it so important you’re known as mrs Dh outside of work? My own conclusion would be so people know you’re married and the percieved status that goes with, am I wrong? What other reason is there?

I wish I'd kept my maiden name instead of changing it when I married or double barrelled. My DH was offended and used by the suggestion. So the kids have our name. I feel like my identity is considered as less important. Anyhow, recently we were talking about a friend who's ex has kept the married name. My husband was shocked by this. I explained that once she married it become her name and part of her identity. She chooses if she wants to keep it. I also explained that if I divorced him ever I'd give back his name if he agrees to change the kids names to double barrel otherwise I'll be keeping it.

I didn’t want to change my last name so didn’t. However was happy with the idea of the kids having their Dad’s last name. Didn’t want to double barrel or anything complicated. Surely it’s just personal preference and luckily we live in times of free choice.