To ask why you gave DC his last name?

[Tsort]

If you kept your name/aren’t married, but gave DC their father’s last name (as opposed to double barrelling or giving them you own), may I ask why?

Interesting. Did any of these men take their wives’ last names?

Yeah, off the top of my head I can think of 2 that did and also 1 that double barrelled, but the kids only had her name.

I don’t know a single one.

I’m glad for them. I honestly don’t know of any man that has done this for those reasons (I know one that double barrelled, but that was because they both wanted both of their names). I was having a conversation upthread about men with abusive backgrounds and the reasons they almost never drop their last names (as opposed to women). So, it’s good to hear that some men are managing to shed the mantle of hurt.

This is interesting.

But could it be super simple. Boys have been brought up to believe they will keep their name and have a family who take their name. Girls are brought up too think their name is not permanent.

Taught this long enough, it's a deep assumption. Like a religious belief. Hard for people, especially men, to shake.

Of course this is still a patriarchal construct but maybe it just is because people have learnt it so young

I agree with you, but I also see how what @Bananasinpyjamas21 is describing could be a massive factor. It’s probably all of these things, to greater or lesser degree for different people, within different contexts.

I can’t find any research on this from this perspective, but I’d love it if some existed. As it’s not my specific area, here’s hoping that perhaps this thread will inspire someone to do some. 😊

We'd been together 10 years already and thought we'd get married at some point. He died though out of the blue.

It's up to my daughter what she does, completely her choice. Everyone has a choice to make about this if they choose to get married and have kids. My choice has no bearing on hers. Interestingly, I have my mum's surname not my dad's and yet chose to take my husband's. Perhaps part of that was that I hated growing up in a family where we had different surnames. But gives an indication that there's certainly no automatic pressure to do what your mum did.

I'm not here to argue about whether I made the right choice or not. I'm certainly not here saying that all women should take their husband's surname. I'm saying it's about choice. OP asked why I made the decision I did and I gave my personal reasons (for me and my family, not yours or anyone elses).

@Tsort oh you are the OP. Well you asked for people's reasoning, clearly just because you wanted to find all the women who've passed on their husband's names then tell them how wrong they were 😂 Here I was thinking you might actually be interested in the thought process, but you're actually here telling women what they should and shouldn't be doing. Why do you care what names other people give their children? Bizarre.

Well we decided to have kids first then get married. But when we did get married I decided his name didn’t work with mine and Iiked my name! To be fair - he offered to take my name - but by then the kids had his name. I was going to double barrel. But the bottom line is - all the admin put me off.

It doesn’t bother me too much as I know he would have been supportive whatever I said I wanted to do.

On principle I would have given DC my surname, but I actually hate my surname and DH has a beautiful surname, so I happily gave them his. I put mine as one of their middle names.

I wonder whether women feel less attached to their surnames because they are conditioned from a very young age to believe that they are only temporary, until they get married and take their husband's name, whereas men haven't grown up with this expectation that they would change theirs anyway one day so no point getting too attached.

I wonder whether women feel less attached to their surnames because they are conditioned from a very young age to believe that they are only temporary, until they get married and take their husband's name, whereas men haven't grown up with this expectation that they would change theirs anyway one day so no point getting too attached.

Yes, absolutely. And anyone who doesn't see that this is the patriarchy at work is missing an important point. I didn't care as much about my DH's surname for the DC as he did. But of course that's because of the way the two of us were brought up and the messages we got practically from birth. I can acknowledge that and that the choices I make as a result are not made in a vacuum. I am not trying to convince myself that the choice was entirely mine and had nothing to do with wider societal issues.

Its interesting that same sex couples don't face this judgement regarding names. There are no expectations.

Misogyny is so deeply entrenched.

It's up to my daughter what she does, completely her choice. Everyone has a choice to make about this if they choose to get married and have kids.

The same way it would be completely the kids’ choices which name they passed on, if they were double barrelled. So, why is only one of those options ‘kicking the can down the road’, according to you? I keep asking, but you’re not answering.

I'm not here to argue about whether I made the right choice or not. I'm certainly not here saying that all women should take their husband's surname. I'm saying it's about choice. OP asked why I made the decision I did and I gave my personal reasons (for me and my family, not yours or anyone else's).

Again, I haven’t asked you to defend your choice, nor have I said it was the wrong one. You don’t seem to understand what’s been said to you (quite a few times, now). Which is interesting.

As above, I haven’t said you’re wrong to give your children any name. I have asked you questions about things you’ve said, which you’ve ignored and decided I was telling you what to name your children.

I do want people’s reasoning, so I think it’s interesting that you seem incapable of conversation about your choices in this respect, and that this is so recurrent on this thread.

I said earlier in this thread that my reasoning largely came down to my name not being an easy one to have in the country where I live, and not wanting to burden a new person with it.

Ironically, if I had had a double barreled surname, as my mum wanted, I would be able to drop half of it and use my mum's birth name, which is easier to spell and pronounce here.

My husband and his brothers are all married to foreign women. We have all kept our surnames, and all, so far, given the children our husband's surnames. One of my sisters in law has also given her children first and middle names which betray absolutely no sign of their other culture, whereas it is really important to me that my culture is represented in my children's given names. I suspect that comes down to racism, as the culture she comes from is viewed in quite a negative way, whereas British culture is not.

I hope that my daughter, if she ever marries, keeps her birth surname. Even though it is not mine and I have no personal stake in it. It will be part of her identity from birth, and I don't want her to feel it's only a borrowed name.

I have never liked my surname. It is exactly the same as a household product and I was bullied mercilessly during my school years over it.
For that reason, I gave my DC their fathers surname despite us being unmarried and I'm so happy for them that they can go through life without watching people chuckle when they say their surname.
Think of it as a choice between 'microwave' and 'Evans'.

Think of it as a choice between 'microwave' and 'Evans'.

Made me cackle! 😂

I said my main reason was that I didn't care and my husband did. You didn't like that answer. I think on balance his surname is slightly nicer. You want me to give you some sort of philosophical answer and I don't have one for you unfortunately.

Clearly this was something you put a lot of thought into (and still are) and that's fine. But do you understand that for some people it isn't that big a deal? I picked my child's first name - that's something I care a lot more about. So I guess my husband and I had equal say.

I probably see more of it because of circumstance and being involved with a group.

Names changes come up because a lot of people know I rid myself of the stupid first name my ridiculous parents gave me. So the whole palaver of changing name is something I’m used to

What did your brothers do? Because I don't doubt what you're saying, but I think this "my name is terrible" thing seems to disproportionately affect women. Ditto the "I don't want my father's name to be perpetuated".

Which, in my opinion, is just another sign of how insidious this patriarchy malarkey is. We're all so ingrained we think it's a choice rather than realising that it's a choice that's made after years of conditioning. I choose not to murder anyone. I truly believe that is the right choice. But of course, because my society says it's not okay to murder, that makes that choice a LOT easier than if I lived in a society where murder was normal.

This is very very interesting. BIL has used his traumatic and difficult childhood that included being abandoned by a waste of a father, as an excuse to be a victim his whole life. And yet, now that you mention it, I note that not only has he continued to use his own surname, he massively and totally guilted SIL into using his surname for their DC, even though they weren't married and she would have liked them to have her name.

So while I also totally respect anyone who makes this decision, it does seem to be abused women and girls who choose to give up their name more often than abused boys and men. n fact, I had a friend at university whose step dad had adopted him (with all that implies re his birth father) and given him his name but my friend legally changed his name back to his birth dad's as soon as he could.

I said my main reason was that I didn't care and my husband did. You didn't like that answer.

I didn’t dislike it. I asked you why you thought that was. It’s not a particularly philosophical question, but clearly it’s not one that you liked very much.

Clearly this was something you put a lot of thought into (and still are) and that's fine. But do you understand that for some people it isn't that big a deal?

I think it’s interesting, I started a thread to discuss it and that’s what a few of us are doing. If you don’t want to put thought into or discuss it, I’m certainly not forcing you to do so.