To think my DH can’t have it both ways?

[SamanthaVimes]

DH has asked I do a bit more around the house now I’m on mat leave. Ok, fair enough BUT every time I’m doing a chore either

a) tells me I’m doing it wrong and criticises my way / timing (eg washing needs doing and I’ll get to it mid morning/lunch time but he thinks it should be first thing so it can be out on the line as long as possible whereas I’m timing it around DS’s feeds/naps/anything else I have planned for the day)

or

b) appears whilst I’m part way through and picks up the baby saying things like “oh, is Mummy ignoring you?” In a baby talk voice (obviously I don’t mind him picking up DS to stop him fussing but there’s always a comment iyswim)

He’s WFH full time and doing my head in!

I can either give full attention to the baby and get less done around the house but happier baby or DS can whinge a bit sometimes but more jobs get done

AIBU to tell him he can stop criticising or do it himself?

My DH works from home and pretty much gets all the washing done while he’s working from home.

you have a 3 mo & a 2 yo - you shouldn’t be trying to do any housework. Rest & rest when you can, your body is still healing.

he’s being a controlling arse and needs to sort himself out

Mmmm, controlling behaviour. I don’t like the sound of this. Are there other red flags? Look after yourself love

Doesn't DH work? With a new baby I often went back to bed for an hour or so because I was up during the night with him. (Not so easy when there is more than one!) During the week I got up but on Friday and Saturday nights DH got up. He wasn't keen but the babies belong to him too. Also, if no-one has told you, don't pick the baby up unless he needs something, you will know the cries very quickly. If you pick them up when they fuss then they learn to do it for attention and you get caught in a vicious circle. Don't get me wrong, my babies were with me all the time and I would talk to them, play with them, cuddle them but not when they fussed, definitely ignore the tired cry. You have to explain to DH when the baby needs to be picked up. He is not the person caring for the baby, you are. You need to think routine because that is best for baby as well as you. You also have to think about what you will do when you go back to work because the baby needs to be in a routine to get him to the childminder/nursery or whoever is caring for the baby by a certain time. The other thing to remember is a little bit of dust never hurt anyone. If DH complains just give him a spray cleaner and cloth and tell him to do it. My bathroom and kitchen were regularly cleaned, the baby's room cared for and everywhere hoovered. Ironing might be done in the evening or it might not. I found that tumble drying shirts and hanging them up slightly damp meant that most creases fell out. Food was simple and often prepared the night before, bulk cooking where I could and freezing some meals. The most important thing to remember here is to train DH too. Tell him to put the baby down, tell him if he doesn't like what you are doing then he needs to do it and put whatever it is in his hands. If he doesn't listen then sit him down and tell him what YOU need him to do.

This! You should organise husband-classes!..

A, I agree with. I often set a timer so it starts 1st thing. Or. Wash night before and put in basket ready to go out 1st thing.

B. Tell him to fuck right off.

For the people agreeing with 'A' - when OP has already said why washing time suits her best🙄 -

How about the husband STFU and puts the washing out, he's not exempt by virtue of being a man, is he? & if he's time to piss about micromanaging then he's not getting on with his own work either. So whilst OP is feeding, he can put a load of washing on and hang it out too. He won't melt.

Pathetic and deeply unattractive to be that petty, controlling and disrespectful. I wouldn't put up with it for more than a day who do these type men think they are?

Maternity leave is for you be be a mother…not a skivvy…household chores can wait, don’t miss these precious moments with your baby. Oh, & take a nap when your baby does! Sod the housework! 😉

Tell him to do it juggling housework and a little one is hard work .I’ve been greeted at the door many times with a young baby crying and mum crying (used to be a midwife )it’s VERY hardwork it’s easier to go to work than look after the house and baby Tell him not to boss you around he can wash all the clothes at night put it out before he leaves for work one less job for you

We’ve just had the row everyone knew was coming. Thankfully DD isn’t home.

We’re both cooling off now. Hopefully some of what I’ve said will sink in (from past experience it takes a day or two for my message to sink in and then he realises what an arse he’s been)

OP,
Mind yourself and protect yourself.

He isn't just being a arse, he's a very nasty man trying to undermine a new mother.

Disgusting behaviour and NOT normal.

A) I agree with, especially in Winter as it needs to be drying for as long as possible

Who cares if we agree with him or not. It's the OP's choice to do it whenever and however she wants - or not at all if she's busy the with baby.

I hope the message does sink in @SamanthaVimes.

Out of interest, what did he have to say for himself?

You're a more patient woman than me, I would have turned apocalyptic by now and handed him the baby and left/put the wet washing in his gym bag etc.

@GoldenCupidon he went upstairs for a little think and has come back down fairly sheepish. He’s given a bit of an apology but mentioned how the house being a mess really affects his mental state (which does seem true to be fair).

Part of me wanted to say “what on earth do you expect with two small children?!” But I decided that wouldn’t be constructive and reminded him of all the other things I’m doing as well as how long it took me to recover from birth last time. It’s just more obvious now because he ends up looking after toddler rather than picking up bits of housework like he did when we only had 1 DC.

generally we value slightly different things in housework, I prefer clean whereas he’s more about things looking tidy iyswim (obviously both is ideal but not always achievable)

I think he’s realised what a twat he’s been

Well that's an advance of some kind. Good to talk it out.

I think he needs to realise that he is jointly responsible for the care of the kids, housework etc with you, and his share will need to be done when he's not working. Probably as PP has said doing the things we all do like clearing a surface or putting a wash on while he's waiting for the tea to brew etc in the middle of the working day.

He might find a messy house distressing, in which case he jolly well needs to do something about it rather than making doing things to his specification your job. You're already caring for his two small, helpless children and presumably doing housework too. He can't just give you the job of maintaining his mental health by doing more/different housework when he has (presumably) two arms and is a big boy who is there all day too.

Also - very MN I know but if you could afford it, maybe get a cleaner to give the whole place a proper once over once a week - at a time when you can all be out.

Meant to add - if getting a cleaner is on the cards, make organising this (in the first place and every week) his job rather than taking it on FGS.

I hope so OP, because he has behaved very poorly.

Re his MH, that is HIS responsibility to manage, and if the house being less than pristine affects him, he needs to get off HIS arse and do more, NOT bully his post partum wife!

You are doing a great job and he needs to sort himself out.

I would try and move forward from this only ONCE.

Next time he tries to undermine you again, would be time to pack a bag and leave him with two children for a long weekend.

I know from several women that when appreciation and an attitude adjustment is required, there is nothing quiet like being left to it, for certain men to see what is involved with singlehandedly looking after a couple of very young children.

The problem with so many women is they don't deal with bullshit like this effectively from the beginning.

He is not your boss.

Don't hold back showing your displeasure going forward.😁

It’s just more obvious now because he ends up looking after toddler rather than picking up bits of housework like he did when we only had 1 DC.

That sounds like when he looks after one child he can't do housework but when you look after two you should. How does that work?

That is a really, REALLY good point.

Really excellent point.

Yes, agreed washing should be done first thing in the morning, however, doesn’t mean it’s only you who should do this! Why doesn’t he stick the washing on? Maybe the night before and set the timer so it finishes before he leaves for work and then he can hang them up before he leaves?!

I despise all of the passive aggressiveness of sarcastic comments like “is mummy ignoring you.” Some men are not supportive at all, emotionally or physically, or even mentally too!!

Tbh when I was on mat leave my job was to keep the baby alive. My husband would have never dared suggest I do any more than I wanted to do. Although I did find a meme on his phone once that said ‘the house is tidy the internet must have been down today’ so he probably was thinking it but instead we got a cleaner. If your husband wants more done around the house or things done a certain way or at a certain time he should do it himself he’s just being a passive aggressive git. People treat you the way you allow them to so please do not be a doormat

The house being a mess also affects my mental health too, so I can sympathise with him there BUT it affects my mental health I

Following from my last message which I messed up. Because it affects MY mental health, I do most of the cleaning. If it’s affecting him that much then he would get up and clean!!

I honestly don’t know why I’m like this, I can’t help it, and it’s frustrating as I have a 4 year old and a messy husband BUT I just clean whatever is bothering me, not expect others to do it!

The baby is 6 months older now so hopefully all is a bit easier and her husband has learned the error of his ways...