To think my DH can’t have it both ways?

[SamanthaVimes]

DH has asked I do a bit more around the house now I’m on mat leave. Ok, fair enough BUT every time I’m doing a chore either

a) tells me I’m doing it wrong and criticises my way / timing (eg washing needs doing and I’ll get to it mid morning/lunch time but he thinks it should be first thing so it can be out on the line as long as possible whereas I’m timing it around DS’s feeds/naps/anything else I have planned for the day)

or

b) appears whilst I’m part way through and picks up the baby saying things like “oh, is Mummy ignoring you?” In a baby talk voice (obviously I don’t mind him picking up DS to stop him fussing but there’s always a comment iyswim)

He’s WFH full time and doing my head in!

I can either give full attention to the baby and get less done around the house but happier baby or DS can whinge a bit sometimes but more jobs get done

AIBU to tell him he can stop criticising or do it himself?

[Shmithecat2]

@Shinyandnew1

A I agree with-the longer washing is out for, the more chance it has of drying.

B I would say F off to and tell him to stop making comments like that as it feels like he’s micromanaging you!

Eh? You agree that someone who ISN'T doing the laundry gets to dictate how it's done? Fuck that.

[ProfessorInkling]

He can do the fucking washing himself if he wants it done his way.

Tell him to stop micro managing you, you’re on maternity leave, you don’t work for him.

[Shmithecat2]

@Homewardbound2022

"Ignore daddy. He's a complete wanker."

😂👏👏👏

[MummyJ36]

It’s the fact that he had the balls to ask you to do more housework in the first place. Mat leave isn’t a holiday, your job during that time is literally keeping a baby alive. I’d tell him to fuck himself to be brutally honest.

[Brigante9]

Constantly having a pop is not acceptable. You can’t do right for doing wrong by the sounds of it.

[SamanthaVimes]

Wow, so many comments I’m struggling to keep up! To answer a few of the recurring questions

baby is 3 months and ebf, we also have a 2yo DD

yes I agree in an IDEAL world the washing would go out first thing, it makes sense of the waking is the only consideration to do it ASAP however is not the only thing I have to do. Sometimes I need to sort the baby out, sometimes I’ve had a bad night and don’t get going straight away, sometimes I want to eat breakfast / have a shower first, sometimes we’re going out so I won’t be around when it would finish. My main issue with the washing specifically (although he can be similar about other things) is DH thinks it’s not worth doing at all if it can’t be done perfectly whereas I think oh well I’ll put it out now and if it needs to stay on the airer overnight no big deal. Similar with hoovering I might just do downstairs and then stop if DS has had enough of his bouncy chair but all DH will say is “you didn’t do upstairs” so I might as well not have done any.
If it matters when DH does it he doesn’t separate whites and puts everything on the same quick wash even if it’s covered in baby poo and needs a prewash or longer wash but I don’t go on at him about that, so he’s not exactly perfect either!

Generally he does pull his weight with chores, I’m absolutely not one of those wives you see on here doing everything. It’s just the micro managing & pass agg comments from him really get my back up. Like off you want me to do it I’ll do it my way, it might not be exactly how you would do it but if we end up with clean washing (or insert other chore here) then does it really matter?!

I think because of ebf (DD was too) he doesn’t really have any clue what it’s like to be with a baby all day as I’ve always been around as had to feed (never got on with pumping) so he’s never had to balance feeds / naps / anything else you want to do.

DS currently only really wants to nap in the sling which is buggering my back. I manage to get a few cat naps out of him on the boob but I like him to have one decent nap a day or he gets grouchy so it’s either the sling (where I’m hands free ish but struggle to do anything with bending or carrying) or he’ll go in the pram but only if I keep walking so no time for jobs then. Obviously as DS gets older this will change but for now this is the way things are. I’m definitely not fully recovered from pregnancy/ birth yet either. This means I’m dropping chores into when DS is awake and reasonably cheerful which is only so many times a day (I will let him whinge if I’m in the middle of something but won’t leave him if he’s really kicking off)

[Energydrink]

You are better than me! I’d tell my husband to fuck off..

[endofthelinefinally]

You have a 2 year old as well? Wow. Your husband needs a reality check.

[toastedcat]

If he's working from home full time then he can fucking well do the chores if he's just going to criticise your methods. What a twat.

[toastedcat]

What's stopping him doing the washing before 9am when he starts work?

[MummyJ36]

reading your latest update…yeah I grew up in a house like this. I wouldn’t normally say this but it’s a really toxic trait your DH has there, believe me I’ve seen it first hand when someone goes on like this and chips away at their partner over things like this. Please nip this in this bud if you can and stand up for yourself otherwise I guarantee it will only get worse.

[Raindropsandslatetiles]

He can put the washing on before he starts work in the morning

You are still recovering from child birth and ebf a 3 month old, you are not there to do extra housework, you are on maternity leave to let your body recover and to look after your baby. If I were you I would concentrate on that and let him pick up the slack with the rest of this

I wonder if he does any of the night waking or if you are doing all of that too...

[CrookCrane]

When my ex used to complain about shit like this I would usually reply “do you ever see me sat on my arse doing nothing”! That would generally shut him up. I also used to resort to simply “fuck off and do it yourself then”.

[SamanthaVimes]

I think I need to have a proper conversation with him. Like some of you have said, it isn’t about the housework, it’s about being picked at over it.

Apart from anything else it makes me so less housework so isn’t having the effect he’s hoping!

[MrsTerryPratchett]

I think you need to get angry. He isn't your manager and you aren't staff. Sit him down at a neutral time and say:

"When you micromanage my housework it makes me really annoyed and I feel undervalued and worthless. Don't make helpful suggestions, don't tell me how to do things and don't act like you're in charge of my 'work'"

Then tell him every time that this isn't how he gets to talk to you. Every single time.

[CrookCrane]

@MrsTerryPratchett

I think you need to get angry. He isn't your manager and you aren't staff. Sit him down at a neutral time and say:

"When you micromanage my housework it makes me really annoyed and I feel undervalued and worthless. Don't make helpful suggestions, don't tell me how to do things and don't act like you're in charge of my 'work'"

Then tell him every time that this isn't how he gets to talk to you. Every single time.

Definitely a more mature way to deal with it. I’d lost patience and hope by the time he started shit like this though.

[Wishihadanalgorithm]

Tell twat to fuck off and mean it. You are on maternity leave so look after DC. When you do do housework and he criticises just stop. Don’t do any more. Walk away and leave it to him.

He needs to learn he can’t control and micro manage you.

[Ellie56]

@mumof1or2

Amazed that lots of people are agreeing about washing being done first thing in the morning! It's way too cold to hang things on the line outside, and if it's being hung on clothes dryers inside the house it can just stay there til it's dry. Who cares if it has to be left overnight?

It's been cold first thing, but I've hung washing out over the last 3 days and it has dried. So probably depends on the weather where you are.

[unsync]

Fuck that. He can do the housework & washing himself if he doesn't like how you do it. If he's WFH he must have commute time free so he can do it then. Mat leave is to recover from birthing and looking after baby - not to do extra chores and be criticised by some controlling, passive aggressive wanker masquerading as a husband.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

TBF @CrookCrane IRL if any man tried to manage how I do housework I'd down tools, do the MN patented tinkly laugh and tell him to go fuck himself.

I think OP is at Defcom 5 of wifing. I've been Defcon 1 for many years! She needs to start small.

[SeenYourArse]

You are definitely YANBU! But…I have to say you are absolutely YABU about the washing I agree 100% with your DH on this! It needs to be out ASAP to dry whilst it’s warm.

[CanofCant]

@aloris

It's not about "Micromanaging" you, because he shouldn't be managing you at all. He's your husband, not your boss. Some men, once their wife has a baby, their inner misogynist awakens and they suddenly start thinking their wife is their maidservant. In my opinion, this is a sure way for a man to kill his wife's love and respect for him.

Absolutely this.

Who gives a fuck about the washing? I'd be more concerned that this is prime time for an abusive man to show his true colours once his partner has given birth.

[Wetblanket78]

It seems you can't do right for doing wrong and no can't have it both ways.

[CanofCant]

Ah, I've just seen that it's your second child.

He still sounds insufferable and the complete opposite of what you need in a partner.

[WiddlinDiddlin]

Hmm..

Passive aggressive comments to the kid aren't funny even if intended as such, if genuinely a dig at you, even less cool.

If all the jobs get done to a decent standard, in a reasonable time frame, again... he's a dick.

However - if you are actually inefficient at doing the jobs that need doing, such that they end up poorly done, or they don't get done and back up into the next day whilst you grump about how long it all took and how knackered you are as a result...

That is fucking annoying to live with and the answer is not 'do it all yourself if you don't like the way I do it'... as evidenced by myriad mumsnet threads about blokes and their weaponised incompetence.

So perhaps he is being an epic twat - or perhaps you do things inefficiently and run out of time a lot or do jobs badly.

Only you know the truth!