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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my DH can’t have it both ways?

176 replies

SamanthaVimes · 18/10/2022 17:21

DH has asked I do a bit more around the house now I’m on mat leave. Ok, fair enough BUT every time I’m doing a chore either

a) tells me I’m doing it wrong and criticises my way / timing (eg washing needs doing and I’ll get to it mid morning/lunch time but he thinks it should be first thing so it can be out on the line as long as possible whereas I’m timing it around DS’s feeds/naps/anything else I have planned for the day)

or

b) appears whilst I’m part way through and picks up the baby saying things like “oh, is Mummy ignoring you?” In a baby talk voice (obviously I don’t mind him picking up DS to stop him fussing but there’s always a comment iyswim)

He’s WFH full time and doing my head in!

I can either give full attention to the baby and get less done around the house but happier baby or DS can whinge a bit sometimes but more jobs get done

AIBU to tell him he can stop criticising or do it himself?

OP posts:
RosesAndHellebores · 18/10/2022 21:25

FFS just tell him you weren't brought up to clean. And remind him a cleaner is £11-£18ph depending where you live. If one of your dd is a girl remind him about role modelling.

We had a very traditional relationship. I thank my lucky stars he never worked at home and I had at least 14 hours a day to scrub, clean, order go to the park, have coffee, have lunch, read while the baby/is slept and to tell him what a difficult day I had but how much I valued our half hour of peace together before I went to bed.

DPotter · 18/10/2022 21:25

You are so right - he's being unreasonable and you need to put a stop to this ASAP

Most women I know who work WFM would put on a load of washing before sitting down to the computer -so what's to stop your DH doing this ? What was he like pre-baby - as I have a sneaky suspicion he was no modern male role model ?

Please note I'm not telling you when to do your washing, just making an observation that most women I know who WFM manage to squeeze in chores pre-work, lunchtime and breaks. Strangely I've yet to hear of a man doing this - very happy to be put right!

I strongly suggest you engineer a trip out - for as long as you can, leaving baby with DH and see how he copes. Of course you'll need to leave him some chores - washing, ironing, putting away, washing the kitchen floor

tigger1001 · 18/10/2022 21:47

mumof1or2 · 18/10/2022 17:40

Amazed that lots of people are agreeing about washing being done first thing in the morning! It's way too cold to hang things on the line outside, and if it's being hung on clothes dryers inside the house it can just stay there til it's dry. Who cares if it has to be left overnight?

I put washing outside if it's dry, especially if there is a wind. I'm central Scotland and am putting washing outside as much as possible. We don't really have much space indoors to dry a full load of washing and we don't have heating on anyway yet.

This year I will be using the tumble dryer as little as possible so very much plan my wash days according to weather as much as I can.

WhosafraidofVirginiaWoolf · 18/10/2022 22:29

Reverse?

Herejustforthisone · 18/10/2022 23:19

What a cunt. Ugh.

BigFatLiar · 19/10/2022 13:05

MrsTerryPratchett · 18/10/2022 20:46

I think you need to get angry. He isn't your manager and you aren't staff. Sit him down at a neutral time and say:

"When you micromanage my housework it makes me really annoyed and I feel undervalued and worthless. Don't make helpful suggestions, don't tell me how to do things and don't act like you're in charge of my 'work'"

Then tell him every time that this isn't how he gets to talk to you. Every single time.

Normally when these posts come up it's the wife complaining that the husband isn't doing the housework properly. The standard reply is that it's deliberate incompetence and he needs to step up.

If the OP is on mat leave then they both need to do their share and accept that it may not be immaculate. Main thing is ensuring the children are looked after, housework can wait.

AutumnCrow · 19/10/2022 13:55

Ellie56 · 18/10/2022 20:52

It's been cold first thing, but I've hung washing out over the last 3 days and it has dried. So probably depends on the weather where you are.

Show quote history

This really isn't about the weather.

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/10/2022 14:45

The standard reply is that it's deliberate incompetence and he needs to step up.

And not putting the washing out first thing isn't incompetence so it's not the same. Neither is doing chores while the baby waits.

nutbrownhare15 · 19/10/2022 14:54

If he's got a problem with tasks not being done in the day he should do them himself. Tbh with a small baby and a 2 year old he should be grateful you get anything done at all. I only aimed to get the washing out during the day (😁), then when DH cam home I'd shove the baby at him and go do some household jobs, but that was more for a break for me than feeling like I should be doing much of anything household wise. It's called maternity leave, not housewife leave.

Sennelier1 · 20/10/2022 17:04

Maybe start the washer before you go to bed and ask your criticaster to hang the laundry out in the morning while you nurse your son 😊

Purple52 · 20/10/2022 17:54

I’d suggest he needs to find an alternative location to work from ! & he could put a load of washing on before he leaves for the day! Then you can hang it out when you get opportunity. Not relying on you having two opportunities a wash cycle apart !

Radiatorvalves · 20/10/2022 19:13

Why can’t he put the washing on first thing (while you’re dealing with baby) and then it gets hung when it gets hung?

Fwiw my house was a mess while I was in mat leave. DH suggested a cleaner.

thelonghaul · 20/10/2022 21:19

That sounds like controlling behaviour to me.
He's being a dick and extremely manipulative.

As for all those talking about when to do the washing.......missing the point, much?

Horseyhorsey3 · 20/10/2022 23:15

He sounds like an absolute prick. Down tools, go out for a coffee with baby/to a playgroup and when you get home, ask him why he hasn't hung the washing out or got tea on the table ready for you to eat.

Gymnopedie · 21/10/2022 00:07

Let me guess - he never ever does any of the night wakings because of his important job. So he expects you to do it all while you're knackered. Stuff that for a game of soldiers.

PickAnyName · 21/10/2022 00:30

"Glad you're here. I'll take baby and you can finish off to your own satisfaction."

Carlycat · 21/10/2022 03:02

He's a knob. Mat leave is exactly what it says. Looking after your new baby

knittingaddict · 21/10/2022 03:16

He sounds awful op.

My husband works from home, I don't work, children grown up and left home. I have a routine with housework, which goes out tge window if something more appealingcomes along. My husband wouldn't dream of commenting or involving himself in when or if I do washing or hoover the house. My daughter's abusive micro managing ex certainly liked to make comments like your husband.

Also undermining you to your child is terrible behaviour. He might not understand now but in a couple of years he sure will and where will you be then? No good father or partner does that.

Vikinga · 21/10/2022 03:22

He's not your boss!! Ignore the idiot and tell him to do it himself. Your job during maternity is to look after your baby and recover from pregnancy and birth. If course you'll also fit in some housework when you get a chance but you also need rest as looking after babies is a 24/7 thing.

Carlycat · 21/10/2022 03:22

' oh is mummy ignoring you ' vile vile comment

mathanxiety · 21/10/2022 04:07

Sit in his office and tell him exactly where he's going wrong as he tries to get work done . Heckle away to your heart's content. Make sure you point out every small thing, maybe even the layout of his office space.

mathanxiety · 21/10/2022 04:09

But overall, this man is a prize twat.

pollykitty · 21/10/2022 11:44

I think I'd completely lose my sh!t if my husband did either. Not that he mine a royal pain in butt in other ways but COME ON. The crap that husbands get away with is unbelievable. Tell him to shut his trap and FU.

TheGoodEnoughWife · 21/10/2022 12:05

Get angry. This is not okay. Also not okay folks agreeing with him!
Them doing the washing get to decide how it is done and others having their washing done for them shut the fuck up.

Call him out on it every time. Every passive aggressive comment to your baby. Call Him Out.

He is an arsehole.

Bluebellsparklypant · 21/10/2022 23:07

We all have different ways of doing housework, work around your DCs naps/feeding/ routines just get on with it your way. You will have to make a stand though otherwise he will just continue to be a pain in the bum