To think my DH can’t have it both ways?

[SamanthaVimes]

DH has asked I do a bit more around the house now I’m on mat leave. Ok, fair enough BUT every time I’m doing a chore either

a) tells me I’m doing it wrong and criticises my way / timing (eg washing needs doing and I’ll get to it mid morning/lunch time but he thinks it should be first thing so it can be out on the line as long as possible whereas I’m timing it around DS’s feeds/naps/anything else I have planned for the day)

or

b) appears whilst I’m part way through and picks up the baby saying things like “oh, is Mummy ignoring you?” In a baby talk voice (obviously I don’t mind him picking up DS to stop him fussing but there’s always a comment iyswim)

He’s WFH full time and doing my head in!

I can either give full attention to the baby and get less done around the house but happier baby or DS can whinge a bit sometimes but more jobs get done

AIBU to tell him he can stop criticising or do it himself?

What a twat.

Nah, this isn't nice. He is clearly jealous and resentful that you are off work and he is not, so is putting you in a 'can't do right for doing wrong' situation. Fair enough that you do the tasks, but in your own time and way.
He should go back to the office if he is going to be an arse.

As a mum currently on mat leave, he can fuck off!!

Yes in an ideal world washing can be done at the crack of dawn - but NOT when you're exhausted after a night of broken sleep, feeding the baby, changing the baby, holding the baby etc etc. You're lucky if you get a cup of cold tea/coffee and a slice of toast by 2pm!!

If HE wants the washing done and out asap then HE can do it if he's wfh!!

Does he have to WFH all the time?!

It's unbelievable isn't it.

Excellent about your dh, I remember the occasion my BiL criticised the meal SiL had cooked - it wasn't cooked right, should have done it different - before he'd finished his critique SiL picked up the plate and emptied the contents into the bin. He too learned a valuable lesson that day.

If he's WFH why can't he do housework on his breaks?

I'm WFH and I take a flask of coffee and some snacks/my breakfast/lunch etc first thing on a morning and midday so I can eat as I work and then my breaks are my breaks to do what ever it is that I need to do.

I load/unload the dishwasher. I will put tea in the slow cooker or get meat out to defrost for later. I bang a load of washing in ready to be put on the radiators when I'm finished.

There's absolutely no reason why, just because you're on maternity leave, he should reduce the amount of household responsibility he is giving.

Having a child is just an additional responsibility. And as there is only so much time in the day, that child is your main responsibility, anything else and his standards need to drop, or he needs to shut up and do it himself.

You're not responsible for more, just because he hasn't figured out a way to manage his time now his life has changed.

Of course, structure that constructively to him. A decent, respectable man will listen, talk, discuss, compromise, and won't lay blame or point fingers.

An indecent man will get defensive, blame, point fingers, maybe even shout, sulk, mope, etc.

Don't waste your time with an indecent man

Sincerely, all of us who've been there and done that.

You're on maternity leave, not housework leave.
Mat leave is for you to recover and adjust as well as caring for the baby.
I'd be making it clear that I would be doing what I could when I could. And that if he wants the washing on in the morning, he can put it on, or get it out, when he has a break.

I'd also be looking up co-working spaces and leaving the leaflets lying around

It's not about "Micromanaging" you, because he shouldn't be managing you at all. He's your husband, not your boss. Some men, once their wife has a baby, their inner misogynist awakens and they suddenly start thinking their wife is their maidservant. In my opinion, this is a sure way for a man to kill his wife's love and respect for him.

That would drive me nuts. WFH isn't always good for relationships - it makes knobs even worse.

He's an absolute fuckin' dickhead.

I say take off and nuke him from space - it’s the only way to be sure!!! 😉

seriously OP you need to nip this in the bud sharpest. How would he feel if you hung around the home office issuing instructions on what he should do

*more than what?

Who does the chores at the moment and who did them before mat leave?

Sounds just like my ex husband and one of the many reasons that he is my ex.

The washing is a red herring.
He is passive aggressive and micro managing you.
Look him in the eye and very calmly say
" you are being passive agressive and disrespectful. Please stop it.
You are not my manager. We are a team of 2 equals. So Lets be respectful to each other and work together as equals"

On another note, I am in Ireland and if I put the wadhing on the line at any time of the day in October, it will come in wetter than it went out! Bizarrely even when it is not visibly raining....

God just from your OP he sounds like a knobend

He clearly has no concept of what looking after a very small baby all day involves.
DH would have got the sharp end of my temper and several hours alone with the baby at the weekend if he’d bloody dared to tell me how I should be doing basic chores. Which I’d been doing for myself since I was 18.
I hope you can tell him to jog on!!

I think that women get a really poor deal in this country. It takes time to recover from pregnancy and birth. Time to do your post natal exercises to heal the pelvic floor and abdominal muscles, heal tears or episiotomy damage, establish feeding, bond with your baby, eat properly, rest during the day to make up for the broken nights, recover from the pain and maybe the trauma of labour and birth, often in less than ideal conditions. Takes around 3 months IME.
Then there is the extra laundry associated with blood stained knickers, bras and breast pads, muslins and bibs, pooey vests and babygrows, soiled sheets, bed linen, towels. That might all go on for the first 6 weeks.
Just doing the shopping, cooking and basic, absolutely necessary cleaning in addition to all that is way more than a full time job.
It is really shocking and deplorable that a man who is supposed to love and care for his wife and child is behaving in such an ignorant and selfish way. He should be helping in any way he can.

He's welcome to start and put out the washing first thing then.

I hope you're not making all his meals and drinks and delivering them to him.

What a micromanaging arse.

How old is your baby OP? The first month or so, they usually just want to be on the mum and it's hard getting anything done at all.
I remember when my first was born I was upset that I didn't feel I was getting through (my own, self imposed) to do list(which was small), in that stage where it feels impossible to even get a shower. My husbands exact words were 'your job is to keep the baby alive, everything else will wait til I'm home'.

As the baby grew and got into a napping routine I gradually and naturally increased the amount of housework I'd do every day. But only when the baby was napping, and I was around, and not too knackered etc. I was surprised when I came on mumsnet and realised that some men, even though when they have the baby on their own they manage nothing to do nothing else, expect women to recover from birth, cope with no sleep, get used to looking after a newborn 24/7 and magically have capacity to take up the mans share of the housework. While the man has unbroken sleep, a lunch break, keeps up hobbies and social life and actually has to do less at home even though they're a parent.

Anyway the criticising how you do things, if you've not asked for advice, is controlling.

Have you spoken to him at all, about what you actually have to do with the baby at home and why does he think you should be doing more, and why does he micro manage how you do things and why does he make passive aggressive digs about leaving the baby.

This is my favourite 😂

Any job that gets critisised in any way becomes that person's job.

Husband has critisised what I've made for the tea twice. The second time because he forgot what happened the first time. Needed a reminder...

Never, ever put up with that shit.

I really hope the 3% who have clicked YABU have done so because it is unreasonable that you are even questioning if you are reasonable. What an absolute tosser he is.

And when he responds in a similar vein.................?

I agree with others that you need to clearly explain that this behaviour isn’t ok and how it will ultimately end in the demise of your marriage.

When I was on maternity leave I had undiagnosed ADHD and as a consequence of this I was dreadful at house work and would usually wonder off half way through a task. My husband knew I tried my best so he quietly got on with the burden of the majority of the housework.

He’s right about the washing. That’s just common sense. And the ‘Is mummy ignoring you’ thing I would take as a joke as a one off. If he’s constantly pecking at your head though that’s a different thing and he needs to fuck off with the micromanaging.