Moving away guilt. Would you move back to help family?

[LiberatedMind]

Dh and I moved about 4/5 hours away two years ago for early retirement. We're approaching 60 and just wanted to live somewhere more peaceful, in a village setting. We enjoy our hobbies and interests here - gardening, dog walks, canoeing, visiting pubs, tea rooms, etc. We don't have any other family nearby but have got to know the locals well.

We moved away from our daughter and her family. They have two young children under 5 and I know their lives can be very difficult. Sil has had quite complex mental health problems and our daughter has really struggled with this. Especially as she's had her own health problems too. One of the children has got special needs and I know that can be very draining for them. Both dd and sil work and financially I think they're managing (just over £2000pm between them) so only just. The house looks like it's falling apart because they don't have the time or extra money to do anything about it.

Sil's family live near them but they are older than us and I know that their capabilities to support are limited.

We visit when we can for a couple of days. They've only been to see us once. The offer has been there any time to stay but I think their life difficulties mentioned make this hard. For instance, I rang them last weekend and sil had had a terrible time with his mental health problems. This impacted on them all and it sounded like them children were struggling too. BTW, sil is getting treatment so it's not like it's not being helped but still debilitating at times. I've also offered for the gc to cone and stay with us but our daughter isn't keen on them being so far away from them yet. They are young still.

I feel so guilty. We have an idealic, peaceful, comfortable life where we are but we know that they are finding day to day life a massive challenge. Maybe they are angry with us about it to a certain extent but they've never said that and I sort of get why.

If this was your family, would you move back to support them? Should I feel guilty?

I would ask if they would like you to move back.

If you are wealthy I would keep your current house so you can ALL have holidays there and buy another place very close to them. Live between the two and do your best for them.

It would be lovely for them to have free use of the village house as a holiday cottage.

This is an expensive option and may not be in your budget.

I honestly can't imagine moving that far away from my child and grandchildren in the first place, and I know my mum wouldn't have done it. What was your daughter's reaction to you going, OP? It doesn't sound like you were close to begin with and if I were your daughter I don't think I'd want you to move back now, because of the pressure of knowing you've made the sacrifice of giving up your dream retirement for her would be too much on top of everything else she's dealing with. I guess try to keep supporting her as you are from afar, but obviously don't expect her to be there to care for you in your old age.

No
Its not your responsibility to sort their lives out.
Support with cleaning is helpful, turning your life upside down-nope.

Oh hang on, is this the reverse of the DD who was furious her parents have moved away with her granddad and expect her to visit them?

Do you 'visit' or do you go and help out?
My parents moved away, and much as I love them, visitors are the last thing I need.

No I don’t think you should move back. You’ve done your parenting. Any help you can offer from afar - visiting, listening, advice, financial - is sufficient. I’m in the opposite situation. I’m an only child who moved away. I’ve had my issues but I’d never expect my parents to follow me! They’re now aging, having health issues and struggling financially but I’m planning to move abroad. Many of their issues are self-inflicted and I don’t feel guilty.

This is such a bizarre view. Being close to family doesn’t mean you have to stay in the same town all your life. Isn’t the point of having kids to encourage them to spread their wings and be independent and live the lives they want? I know people who’ve emigrated to Australia who had perfectly close relationships with family. It’s not all about proximity.

I think people are being a bit harsh here. I have managed bringing up 3 small children plus working nights and a partner who I hardly see due to work without any family whatsoever. This is more common than people realise, not every grandparent is active in their GC lives. What people have suggested is great. Paying for a cleaner may be a life line for them (very overwhelming especially when house is messy) Aim for a visit once a month for a few days/week to help out and build a relationship with the GC so you can have them as they get older. The food delivery once a week/fortnight also sounds wonderful, take a bit of pressure off with maybe some treats for kids to look forward to. Don't uproot your life, you will resent them, likewise don't expect help in your later years as you will be unlikely to get it!

Is there not a similar area close to them you could move to and still enjoy all those things? Its a very long way. I would move back I think if my daughter was struggling like this.

As far as the kids go they may need your help for a while, but we've stopped 'using' my parents anything like as much now they are both school age. You could move back for 2/3 years then not be needed as much further down the line, would you move again? My gut would be to stay where you are but perhaps offer to take the kids for a week during most holidays and maybe a couple of nights most half terms etc and any other support appropriate to your means/their needs.

If I had all of the same issues as your DD, I would definitely feel very hurt and upset if my mum and dad moved 5 hours away for an idyllic life by the seaside. It's not just the distance but the fact that her children won't get to see their grandparents very often. To me, that would really, really hurt.

However, this is the choice you made and maybe you're not a close family anyway? I'm not sure if moving back would solve any of that. Instead if you're financially able, then it's nice to help them in practical ways as others have suggested. You can't fix their mental health or physical health struggles but not having to worry about money on top of everything else, helps to lighten their burden. Pay for a cleaner, sign them up for a food delivery service or as you have more free time, why not get an Airbnb in the school holidays and go and sit with your GC for a few different nights and give mum and dad a break for a few evenings.

You don't necessarily have to be geographically close to be a support. There are lots of other ways to do it.

Yet another thread about this? And it’s not your first reverse either.

No mention of your in laws (sorry, ‘you’) being carers already either. You really need to stop obsessing about this, it’s pathological at this point.

The 2k per month doesnt make sense.
NLW would be around 1.4K per mobth.
Is DD PT?
In which case have they explored what they are entitled to with 2 young DC and one will SEN?
Putting my tin hat on here but I have family members with ptsd, alcohol and drug issues and money problems.
Its a VERY fine line between supporting and ebabling poor choices and behaviours.

I'd look and see if there's a way to put more regular visits in and help out for a block of a few days at a time. Staying at a hotel might make it more practical around the family's needs. SNs is rather broad in terms of impact and logistics.

Work out what you can offer and see what she would find supportive. That doesn't mean having to move and give up your lifestyle.

As for tit for tat childcare/ elderly care, she may well be limited in being able to support OP in the future depending on the needs of her children.

I’ve got three kids. Two have Sen (both in specialist schools), youngest is severely disabled and I work full time. Life is very tough. My mum basically said if I wanted help, I’d have to move near to them. We did do but she doesn't provide a lot of help though my dad has helped us do up our house. Support doesn’t have to be physical but could be emotional. Or even financial.

I don’t agree with some of the posters that are saying not to rely on your daughter looking after you as you age because frankly, even if you moved back, did everything to ease the load, financially and practically, they would still be under no responsibility to look after you in your old age and probably wouldn’t want to anyway.

I think your daughter is resentful of how her life has turned out but these are decisions she has made as an adult. All you can do is be there to support her and distance doesn’t matter when it comes to this. The biggest problem seems to be her DH and she has chosen to stay with him. You can’t give up your retirement to effectively step up where her husband is failing. That is for the both of them to address and deal with.

Oh its the same poster?
May be time to grow up and stop sniping at your parents?

I can't imagine carrying on boasting on social media whilst my kids family were so stressed and struggling.
I think they'll be upset- you've chosen a happy comfortable life without them over staying nearby - rightly or wrongly - it shows your priorities.
I don't think you are actually considering moving back - I think you are looking for people to say YANBU so you can feel ok about your decision. I think your relationship will weaken over time.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4616349-moving-away-aibu-that-family-should-come-and-see-us

The last reverse^

it’s the same poster that repeatedly makes threads about how mad she is that her in-laws, who are already carers, moved. She refuses to let it go.

Could you move closer but to a similar sort of village? No matter where your daughter lives in the UK there will be pretty villages in beautiful settings within 30 - 45 minutes. That way you can be on hand when needed, see them more frequently but also be able to enjoy retirement in a scenic place.

Oh it's a reverse 🙄. Wish I hadn't wasted my time now.

Oh. This is a reverse?

Good reverse, OP, I believed it for the first couple of posts.

Now, will you dare return to thread? Or will you be a coward?

Honestly I thinkit was incredibly selfish of you to move so far away at the point where your DD was having small children.

Did it have to be 4/5 hours away? Who was pushing it? Could you not have achieved balance closer to her?

By all means send a postcard every week to show the crumbs of your love for them, but its not going to actually help her is it.

Its a repeat of a reverse!