Moving away guilt. Would you move back to help family?

[LiberatedMind]

Dh and I moved about 4/5 hours away two years ago for early retirement. We're approaching 60 and just wanted to live somewhere more peaceful, in a village setting. We enjoy our hobbies and interests here - gardening, dog walks, canoeing, visiting pubs, tea rooms, etc. We don't have any other family nearby but have got to know the locals well.

We moved away from our daughter and her family. They have two young children under 5 and I know their lives can be very difficult. Sil has had quite complex mental health problems and our daughter has really struggled with this. Especially as she's had her own health problems too. One of the children has got special needs and I know that can be very draining for them. Both dd and sil work and financially I think they're managing (just over £2000pm between them) so only just. The house looks like it's falling apart because they don't have the time or extra money to do anything about it.

Sil's family live near them but they are older than us and I know that their capabilities to support are limited.

We visit when we can for a couple of days. They've only been to see us once. The offer has been there any time to stay but I think their life difficulties mentioned make this hard. For instance, I rang them last weekend and sil had had a terrible time with his mental health problems. This impacted on them all and it sounded like them children were struggling too. BTW, sil is getting treatment so it's not like it's not being helped but still debilitating at times. I've also offered for the gc to cone and stay with us but our daughter isn't keen on them being so far away from them yet. They are young still.

I feel so guilty. We have an idealic, peaceful, comfortable life where we are but we know that they are finding day to day life a massive challenge. Maybe they are angry with us about it to a certain extent but they've never said that and I sort of get why.

If this was your family, would you move back to support them? Should I feel guilty?

I wouldn't move back but maybe pop back for a week or so every so often and offer some respite

No I wouldn't move back. You've done 'your bit'.

But equally, you shouldn't expect any care from them as you age.

I think it's very difficult. We moved to be near inlaws as dh had/has PTSD. They basically saved my marriage as I couldn't have coped alone with his behaviour and that was before we had put kids who also have sen.
Dont feel guilty. Focus on what you can do for them. Could you help financially? Could you travel down once a month to offer respite weekend with the kids?

I don't think it's unfair of you to move away. Your DD is grown up, but young. Your years are limited. Why should you feel guilty about enjoying a cream tea?

Your daughter is churlish not to like your happy photos. Would she rather you be miserable?

Think of practical things you can do to help, but don't feel obliged to make your own life worse in the process.

I don’t think I would move back but as others have suggested I would also think about a regular visit (maybe one week or two weekends a month) and on those occasions take the kids and your daughter out, offer to babysit, tidy up, either do some DIY or do the legwork getting someone in to help out. So make it clear that it’s not a pure fun visit but also to help your DD get stuff done. Find a self catering place you can use regularly (maybe even a caravan etc). See if that helps. If it doesn’t then yes I would definitely consider moving closer even if temporarily- could you for example rent your place out and rent somewhere nearer?
And like others I think it’s great that your daughter and you are so sympathetic to your SIL but I would also be worried about the impact of this on the kids, so if it gets worse or doesn’t improve he may need to rethink his treatment or your DD may need to consider other options- like coming to you for a few weeks.

I think the pp who has said that your daughter feels abandoned has hit the nail on the head. I think I'd have to move back- Not necessarily to the same town, but you can find somewhere nice that suits you that's within an easy travelling distance to her I'm sure.
I agree with the posters that say you deserve to enjoy your retirement, but personally I wouldn't be able to enjoy it if I knew that my son or daughter was struggling and unhappy and that I could do something to help.
Also, I'd think twice if you suspect that they are getting by financially, but only just- that "only just" has disappeared recently for so many families like theirs, and she may be really struggling with money and not telling you. Not that you have a financial responsibility, but it's something she'll be worried about.

I would.

Peace and quiet is overrated.

Helping my family who are struggling would take priority for me.

You can always plan on moving again in the future.

Hasn't this been posted about recently?
Of course your DD doesn't visit. She doesn't want to put two DC with SEN in a car for 5 hours, stay in a house that's presumably not set up for them , take time off work possibly then do the same awful journey in reverse. Or not take time off and go there on Sat and back on Sunday. So to say she can visit any time is disingenuous.

I don't think many parents would want 2 DC under 5 to visit grandparents they don't know very well . Never mind 5 hours away plus the afore mentioned journey. Plus the house not set up for them . Plus the SN. What happens at bedtime when the children miss their parents because they are tiny and now your daughter has to leave her children crying with you and make plans to do the same journey again to collect them and back? So this statement that you've offered to have them is also disingenuous.

That said, you're perfectly entitled to make your own choices. Just as PP said, remember this when you are too old to manage in your house yourself

If your dd had moved away from you and was now in the situation you describe would you consider moving to be close to her?

A lot of focus here seems to be that you moved away and possibly should move back. I don't think that really matters.

Has dd asked you to move back or visit more to help? Perhaps she's just offloading when she speaks to you rather than trying to make you feel guilty.

Tbh dd has chosen this position, other than the sen child. It would be good if she could get some counselling to talk through her feelings and figure out what she really wants to be doing and how to get there.

If you can help financially absolutely do. But ask daughter what would help. It's easy to project your own feelings in a 'if I was her I'd want a nice holiday or to do up the house or get a nanny' way when in fact your dd might want to buy new clothes because she's suffering from poor self esteem or to put money away for the kids because she's worried about their future.

I would ask your dd how she would like you to support her and what would be most helpful.

It may be that emotional support is important to her, or maybe practical or financial. Don't second guess what you think she needs from you.

Hasn't this been posted about recently?
Of course your DD doesn't visit. She doesn't want to put two DC with SEN in a car for 5 hours, stay in a house that's presumably not set up for them , take time off work possibly then do the same awful journey in reverse. Or not take time off and go there on Sat and back on Sunday. So to say she can visit any time is disingenuous.

Ah, hah. 💡

I agree with PPs to go back regularly to help out. If it doesn't work to stay in their house, you could get an Air BnB or stay in a Travelodge or something. A week every other month and a weekend every other month could make all the difference. Also if you could afford it, could you offer them some funds for extra childcare, a cleaner, anything that would provide a bit of extra support.

Were there no villages closer than 5 hours away? Unless you see the children regularly and look after them alone they are too young to come and stay without their parents really so that offer of help isn't a genuinely helpful offer.

I wouldn't have moved away. You've got plenty of time and spare cash by the sounds of it and you could really help her practically if you were local - if she is happy to accept that help.

The offer for them to visit is unhelpful - much more stressful to have to pack up the family and travel 5 hours.

They dont like your photos - if I had to guess they are hurt and upset that you moved away. I know I would be very hurt if my parents moved 5 hours away after I'd had my grandkids, it would have made me so sad that they didnt want to be a regular part of their grandkids lives but I'd also recognise that's my feelings to deal with. On the reverse you camt expect any help from them when you get older or god forbid anything happens to either of you.

I'd want to help them at the moment, definitely. I wouldn't necessarily rush into moving back and all the cost and disruption that entails. The situation may not last. Being nearby all the time might not help that much. Could you try for a while giving them more of you time and attention in other ways? Stay near them for longer spells more regularly by renting a short-term let rather than being in their house, if that is affordable? (moving house would cost more!).

I wouldn't have moved that far away but seeing as you have I wouldn't move back. However I hope you are not planning to move closer or have expectations of your daughter when you get older and frailer and start needing support in your old age.

I am a Mum of 2 children under 5 and I would struggle without my Mum's help. I don't rely on her and only ever ask for help if I really need it because I'm proud and hate asking. It is hard work as you already know bringing up a young family. It's a difficult one because you deserve peace and to enjoy retirement but I think personally if my girls ever need me in the future I would do all that I could to help them. You sound very caring and aware, maybe you could have a conversation with your DD about it and see what she says? It might just help her to know that you get how hard life is for her and you are willing to move if needed. Personally if I was her I'd say don't move but also be so happy that you understood and would be willing to do that to help if needs be.

Op I’m wondering why you moved so far away in the first place? It’s not so much that you can’t help but that you clearly didn’t want to be around to see your grandchildren grow up.

I am probably projecting here as my dc’s grandparents were very disinterested and so now my children (both with Sen) don’t want to know them. I used to get upset seeing my friends’ parents help at parties and do the school runs and I can see why your dd would be upset.

So yes, if you want a relationship with your grandchildren, I do think you should move close enough to be able to help.

Personally, I would move back, at least a bit closer, and help out more. You say - "should I feel guilty?" The question is - Do you feel guilty? If so, that's your clue. Listen carefully to your inner voice. What are you called to do?

What about helping financially? Would that be possible?
I don't think I'd move back but I'd go back and help out from time to time

I also agree with those who suggested that if it looks like you need to be there more then you could look for somewhere nice to live within, say, an hour of your daughter. Close enough to provide real support, but not right on top of her. And hopefully still enough choice of nice places to spend your retirement. 4-5 hours is a long way!!!

I don't know. 'Approaching 60' seems pretty young to me, to be spending potentially the next 20+ years gardening and ambling around. Depends on your health and how hard your life's been really, but 50s is hella young for all that imo. Not in others though, I totally accept that. Even if you moved back and helped DD for a whole decade - which you're under no obligation to do, of course, but even if you did, you'd still only be at actual retirement age. So please yourself by all means, but I can see why you're feeling bad. It's not like you're 75 and more than done your bit. Everyone can do as they choose, but I know for sure my parents wouldn't let me struggle in the circumstances you describe while they pottered about to their heart's content. And they're in their 80s!

I wouldn't move back but I would change your attitude towards what you consider "helping" your DD. They are obviously struggling and you say you pop down "when we can" and you've offered to have her DC stay with you. How is that helping? A 4/5 hour journey each way with two small DC is awful and you think that is helping them? Especially when you say DD and her DH have health / mental health issues? So you want to burden them with a 10+ hour journey? Stop offering to have the DC stay with you, for starters. It's a non-runner and is probably making your DD feel very unsupported.

Secondly, make your DD and her family a priority. Popping down when you can is not making her a priority. You seem active and so the journey is probably OK for you to make. How about you offer to come visit once every say 3 to 4 weeks and when you're there, you do as much as you can. Clean, batch cook and fill up their freezer, mind the DC so your DD can have a break, do laundry, etc.

At other times, can you help them financially in any way? Then you can still have your new life in your new home but you can also help DD as much as possible.

Also, ask your DD what help she needs. I'm sure she will tell you that what she doesn't need is sending her DC 4/5 hours away. Or maybe because she is so overwhelmed she doesn't know as she can't think straight. So just visit, roll up your sleeves and get stuck in. She will be far more appreciative and less resentful of your new life then if she sees you prioritising her and her family.