Moving away guilt. Would you move back to help family?

[LiberatedMind]

Dh and I moved about 4/5 hours away two years ago for early retirement. We're approaching 60 and just wanted to live somewhere more peaceful, in a village setting. We enjoy our hobbies and interests here - gardening, dog walks, canoeing, visiting pubs, tea rooms, etc. We don't have any other family nearby but have got to know the locals well.

We moved away from our daughter and her family. They have two young children under 5 and I know their lives can be very difficult. Sil has had quite complex mental health problems and our daughter has really struggled with this. Especially as she's had her own health problems too. One of the children has got special needs and I know that can be very draining for them. Both dd and sil work and financially I think they're managing (just over £2000pm between them) so only just. The house looks like it's falling apart because they don't have the time or extra money to do anything about it.

Sil's family live near them but they are older than us and I know that their capabilities to support are limited.

We visit when we can for a couple of days. They've only been to see us once. The offer has been there any time to stay but I think their life difficulties mentioned make this hard. For instance, I rang them last weekend and sil had had a terrible time with his mental health problems. This impacted on them all and it sounded like them children were struggling too. BTW, sil is getting treatment so it's not like it's not being helped but still debilitating at times. I've also offered for the gc to cone and stay with us but our daughter isn't keen on them being so far away from them yet. They are young still.

I feel so guilty. We have an idealic, peaceful, comfortable life where we are but we know that they are finding day to day life a massive challenge. Maybe they are angry with us about it to a certain extent but they've never said that and I sort of get why.

If this was your family, would you move back to support them? Should I feel guilty?

I’m in a similar situation but I’m the daughter, DC with SN.
Its really hard having no help and it’s incredibly hurtful.

I honestly can’t imagine not wanting to be there to help one of my DC, knowing they are really struggling.

Lots of my friends have grandparents who help with their DC, are supporting them on a frequent basis and I just feel sad I don’t have that and sad my parents don’t want to do that.
My friend’s parents who help out can’t understand why my parents don’t WANT to be around helping out each day/week. It sounds like you don’t want to be there with them helping though, like my mum. Nothing wrong with that, everyone is different.

I wouldn't move back, you have made the move and deserve a peaceful retirement but do head back to help out and maybe have the children to stay to give the parents some respite.

I'm pissed off by reverses. They are manipulative.

Tbh, I would move back but they don't have to and if they don't want to you can't make them. You can either be bitter or accept it's their choice. You can't go get a court order forcing them to come help take care of you.

Please don’t answer this question, OP. Don’t expose your SIL.
some people don’t believe MH problems exist.

And this is OP’s last ‘as herself’ post:

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4638351-would-you-prioritise-your-grandchilds-birthday?page=1

Her in laws were afraid enough of their son and DIL’s reaction to them moving to a house they already own, with the elderly GM they already act as carers for, that they put off telling them as long as possible. With good reason, because OP is absolutely obsessed with them.

Are you in a position to offer them financial assistance? Or visit more often, perhaps staying in a hotel or Airbnb so as not to create much extra work?

Yeah I would move back. I couldn’t enjoy that sort of life knowing how much my daughter was struggling, and helping her and bonding with your grandchildren will be so much more rewarding than a beach walk. It also means as you get older you will have those close ties with them and possibly a bit of support back.

I think your breezy expectation of her to pack the car up and bring her 2 small children to visit you is really unreasonable. She wouldn’t enjoy the weekend at all - you have to watch children more closely in other people’s houses, they don’t settle as well and it’s generally more stressful, particularly with SEN in the mix. You retired early and should be going to her, not the other way round.

If you stay put, don’t be surprised if she feels at loathe to offer you any help in your old age as I imagine privately she feels pretty abandoned at the moment.

Yeah I would move back. I couldn’t enjoy that sort of life knowing how much my daughter was struggling

The OP is the daughter. She's utterly obsessed with her parents and has made multiple reverse threads on this topic. I feel sorry for her family.

If this is a reverse, do jog on.

If it’s legitimate, don’t be daft, of course you shouldn’t feel guilty for where you want to live. It sounds a lovely place. Ask your DD how you can support her but don’t up sticks and move.

It is not obligatory to like SM posts. To be honest given you description of their lives I would not be surprised if they don’t even see them.

Any guilt you are feeling is not because you have comfortable lives it’s because you know you could help them more. It’s not an either or it’s about balance.

Despite the fact my parents did not physically look after their respective Mums in their old age, I visit my Mum (1hour away) twice a week and have just come back from taking her away from a long weekend. Yes It can be a chore but I still have my life.

There is no reason you couldn’t visit at least once a month to help out and give your DD some respite. Find an airbnb nearby so you have some space and are not overcrowded, it makes it easier on everyone.

I hope this isn't a reverse, they are very tiresome.

On the basis that it's not, there have been some useful suggestions. Firstly if you can offer some financial support, I'm sure that would be gratefully received. £200 a month would probably make a huge difference to their quality of life by allowing them to buy in some respite care.

Or the other option is buying a caravan or small apartment near them so you aren't under their feet when visiting and can come more frequently. If that's not an option, then definitely look at Airbnb when you do visit so you could stay for longer without being a burden.

I don't necessarily think you did the wrong thing following your dreams. But I believe you can offer more support and still have your idyllic life most of the time.

I hate reverses too. Such a childish way to get support.

Well holy fuck. 4 hours isn't far enough away!

Does the op think they can go to the parents and say move back now! The internet says you have to.

🤦

@LiberatedMind
As I was reading this thread, I was developing a lot of empathy for both you and your husband, and your daughter and son-in-law......until I saw this post of yours. I had to read it several times as I couldn't believe what I was reading.
Why on earth are you bragging about your beach scenes or country pub lunches on social media if you suspect this would upset them?
Sorry, but that just seems so tone-deaf and totally insensitive 🙄

They’ve only just moved as well. OP’s presenting them as feeling guilty when, if anything, they’ll be breathing sighs of relief at having escaped.

she’s been making threads about them for months. I bet it’s been hell for them in real life, and I do wonder if OP and her husband’s obsessive behaviour towards them is why they decided to move away in the first place.

I wrote my previous post before scrolling back, and being told the OP's opening post is a reverse. So bloody annoying 😡

I've just read the reverse. Leave your folks in peace.

Surely you made this decision when you moved?
You are free to enjoy your retirement as you wish; however you will have to accept that with the distance you will be seeing your family infrequently, and it may be up to you to do the running.

My parents made a similar move. They said "oh you can come and visit all the time" - but fitting in a visit that now has to be 2 days and is exhausting is not that easy.

It's up to you whether you want to prioritise spending time with your family or enjoying retirement. I don't think either is wrong - but both have consequences.

One thing I would say is to spell it out to your DC that you don't expect any support from them in later life (if indeed you don't?). That might be the thing that breaks them.

Taking the OP at face value:

It's up to you. Extended families are all different - some are close (geographically and/or emotionally) and some aren't. Some people will think it's totally reasonable and understandable to prioritise your own lives and your own happiness; some will think it's heartless to not be on hand to provide support to your daughter and her family. But it's what you think that matters - there aren't any right or wrong answers.

I've never lived close to my parents as an adult. They retired overseas when my niece was a baby and I was pregnant with my first child. I think they did feel some guilt/sadness that they weren't closer when we had young children, but they also were fulfilling their lifelong dream of living abroad. I imagine it must have been quite difficult seeing us struggle with young children from a distance. To be fair, in an emergency they have always come over and helped (as we have for them) - only been an issue a couple of times in the 17 years.

I don't resent the choice they have made; in many ways I admire it and I'm glad they've been able to do it. But there have been and continue to be consequences of it in terms of the relationships they have with their grandchildren and with us. Kids are now teens, and I don't know how the relationship with their grandparents will evolve once they leave home and don't, for example, come on our family holidays where we see them. And my parents are getting older, and obviously we will not be able to offer them any day-to-day practical support or care even if we wanted to.

You deserve to live your own life without feeling guilty about it. However, you have to also recognise that when (if) you need help when you are older, that's on you - not your family. Having said that, I would help from a distance, as others have suggested - take children for days out/stay over for a weekend and let adults go off for a break/pay for grocery deliveries every now and again/pay for treats: whatever would be most appreciated.

OP, you seriously need to look at getting help for yourself. You are unwell. Every time you make a thread you acknowledge that you can’t control your in laws and that you need to let it go, but a month later your back with the same issue, either playing it straight or as a reverse.

for whatever reason your in laws have become the focal point of your illness, and your obsession with them likely frightens, if not terrifies, them. If we’re able to see it just based on your threads I can’t imagine what it must be like to deal with it directed at you in real life.

this isn’t normal behaviour, and it’s not healthy behaviour.

If it's reverse, just communicate with your parents, ask them for help. Most parents would try to help their children. I expect you had a good relationship before moving. Ask them to move for a couple of years or so.

If this is real, talk to your daughter, offer to move; she may say no and in that case help in other ways, with a cleaner or money.

Regardless of your decision to leave close to your DC and help them doesn't equal they will care for you in old age. Some children are just ungrateful and not empathetic, they take their money even when adults and when old parents need help are not there for them, it has happened with relatives.

Wow!

What on earth is the need to do that?

Tone deaf!

I think posters who repeatedly post reverses should get the ban hammer, or at the very least, a month's suspension.

It's such a manipulative and dishonest thing to do - the opposite of good-faith posting.