Moving away guilt. Would you move back to help family?

[LiberatedMind]

Dh and I moved about 4/5 hours away two years ago for early retirement. We're approaching 60 and just wanted to live somewhere more peaceful, in a village setting. We enjoy our hobbies and interests here - gardening, dog walks, canoeing, visiting pubs, tea rooms, etc. We don't have any other family nearby but have got to know the locals well.

We moved away from our daughter and her family. They have two young children under 5 and I know their lives can be very difficult. Sil has had quite complex mental health problems and our daughter has really struggled with this. Especially as she's had her own health problems too. One of the children has got special needs and I know that can be very draining for them. Both dd and sil work and financially I think they're managing (just over £2000pm between them) so only just. The house looks like it's falling apart because they don't have the time or extra money to do anything about it.

Sil's family live near them but they are older than us and I know that their capabilities to support are limited.

We visit when we can for a couple of days. They've only been to see us once. The offer has been there any time to stay but I think their life difficulties mentioned make this hard. For instance, I rang them last weekend and sil had had a terrible time with his mental health problems. This impacted on them all and it sounded like them children were struggling too. BTW, sil is getting treatment so it's not like it's not being helped but still debilitating at times. I've also offered for the gc to cone and stay with us but our daughter isn't keen on them being so far away from them yet. They are young still.

I feel so guilty. We have an idealic, peaceful, comfortable life where we are but we know that they are finding day to day life a massive challenge. Maybe they are angry with us about it to a certain extent but they've never said that and I sort of get why.

If this was your family, would you move back to support them? Should I feel guilty?

I guess I’d suggest to think about it from another perspective.

How would you feel if you were not able to visit them, if it was them that moved 4/5 hours away? How about if you were the one that was struggling? What support of support would you want and need?

If you feel like you would want more then maybe it’s time to speak with your DD and ask her what support she needs and how you can help?

Out of genuine curiosity, did you have much help when your DD was younger? Did you work FT or were you SAHM? Were your lives comparative? Sometimes it can help to try and understand the other person’s perspective but it is obviously difficult when no two set of circumstances are the same.

Not to say you need to move back but I’m not going to lie, I am surprised that you moved so far away whilst your DGC are so little. Especially for an early retirement when you are actually in a position to help. But like others have said you also have your own life to live. I guess it’s what’s most important to you at the end of the day.

I don't think the OP will be back now that the reverse has been pointed out.

Would I move? Probably yes. Does that mean you should? Absolutely not: it’s your retirement to use as you choose. We all have difficulty skill sets and natures, all equally valid.

You clearly want to support your daughter so what could you do to help without moving back? A fortnight with them helping with DIY and giving them a break / rest? Find someone to sort some house issues or a babysitter? Not that you should do those either- just that there are options other than moving.

I wouldn't move, no.

But are there financial ways you could support? Eg: paying their weekly food bill or a kids nursery fees?

Completely astounded by all the "well don't expect care if you don't move back and pitch in, then" comments. My parents spent their retirement going on holiday and very rarely had our kids ( both with SEN). I would not have dreamt of not offering support in their old age. They brought me up FFS 🙄

I assume you get on well with your parents and like them, so offer support for this reason not just because they "brought you up" - hardly a high bar for a parent just to do this.

If you don't like or get on well with your parents but would simply offer support because you feel it's expected, particularly as you probably have your hands full already with SEN children, perhaps you should examine why that it is?

I don't see it as a tit for tat. I think more, the daughter needs help with her children now. When they are older they will (hopefully) be more independent. Then the daughter will have time for herself that she doesn't have now.
If the parents then are old and decide they need her to help them, she is back to caring once again.
On the other hand, if the parents help her now with the children, then she will have more energy to potentially care for them in the future and not be going from caring to caring.